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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2020 19:39

God no! I'm jealous of SAHMs. I'd love that opportunity

ReturnofSaturn · 22/09/2020 19:41

Spending husbands money? Nope, it's OUR money and we have never thought any differently Confused

The person who asked that, well it just reeks out the suggestion that that is how their parnter views money.

A lot of this judgement is quite frankly from jealous mothers who didn't have the option to stay home because couldn't afford it/partner wouldn't let them/etc etc.

Why would I pay someone else to mind my children and not do it myself. I would never have become a mother to not to do that while they were small at least.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 22/09/2020 19:42

The bourgeoisie have done a really top job of making the masses think there's an inherent nobility in working to create wealth for them. To the extent that now, we have people being judged for not doing so, even if they don't need to! Like a person can only derive a sense of self-worth from the working struggle! Nonsense.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
popgoesperfection · 22/09/2020 19:43

Nope, don't judge, if anything I feel envious of the sahm's because I would love to be at home rather than work. And I don't think it's any easier either to be home rather than working. In fact, being home, looking after the children, home, husband etc IS work!!!

catgotmytongue · 22/09/2020 19:44

I'm not reading the whole thread but just wanted to say no, absolutely not. We make choices as a families and individuals that are based on our individual circumstances.
You should never feel like you have to justify those choices.

Marmunia1975 · 22/09/2020 19:49

I could easily be a SAHM but I have chosen to run my own media company and do a host of other consultancy work as well as write a book (on submission!) I want to set an example to our DD on how to progress and make ca$h!

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 19:50

@Peachypips78

My logical brain says that we all have choices and different paths we take, and that what's right for one person/family isn't right for another.

However, if I was to be absolutely completely honest (and I know this isn't right or kind) I do judge SAHMs a bit. Not when kids are preschoolers but when kids are all at school.

I have a very strong work ethic and drive and I can't think what I would do all day if I was at home all the time. The unpleasant part of me thinks it's a bit lazy.

But I don't get how you would someone being a bit lazy who has nothing to do with you cause judgement. I have done jobs and been paid well for very little effort, sitting around with nothing to do all day - I felt more lazy then than I ever did being a SAHM and I was earning a generous sum.
Squoon · 22/09/2020 19:52

I am a SAHM. Have been for almost 3 years, but am looking at getting back into work now. You never know the reasons why someone isnt working. In my case i was made redundant whilst pregnant so had no job to go back to. DH has changed his job in that time, which resulted in promotion and payrise. We also moved to a new area. It was the best decision for our family. BUT i have had enough now. Lockdown broke me 😂

RepDom21 · 22/09/2020 19:53

I agree OP people do judge and I will admit I have judged.

I have wondered the classic line what do you do all day. Especially when children are over a certain age.

The poster who told the example of her sister in a high role.. that couldn’t manage to look after her DD. I can believe that too.

Being a SAHP is not for everyone.

SaltyAndFresh · 22/09/2020 19:54

I watched my gran, my DM and her sister slide into penury because they'd been SAHMs before their marriages ended. My gran is completely reliant on the state; my aunt has partially relied on her DD. From that perspective I think it's an irresponsible choice.

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 19:55

@Marmunia1975

I could easily be a SAHM but I have chosen to run my own media company and do a host of other consultancy work as well as write a book (on submission!) I want to set an example to our DD on how to progress and make ca$h!
My mother did the same worked her butt off, I still became a SAHM and it was as much because of her and the importance she put on work over her kids - I grew up desperate for her time and love. We had a house-keeper for 25 years - my mother escaped motherhood by working, took holidays when we were at school...she was quite shit at mothering. My father did seem to enjoy parenting us and spending time with us though - so there's always that!
worksleep · 22/09/2020 19:57

No I admire them. Their job is much harder then mint I imagine.

MojoJojo71 · 22/09/2020 19:59

Not at all. It’s not a choice I would make myself but whatever works best for you and your family

RunningNinja79 · 22/09/2020 20:00

Not at all. Envious if anything. All the SAHP I know appear to have a lovely life. Of course I realise that this could just be the way it is portrayed etc.

Parker231 · 22/09/2020 20:00

I think a lot of families will be rethinking their plans due to so many redundancies taking place due to Covid and shortly Brexit and families loosing possibly their main income.

BlueBoar · 22/09/2020 20:07

I’m going to be brutally honest as a single parent who has had no choice but to work since DS was one and say that yes, I do wonder why some women don’t want to be economically active / in a social working environment when their children are at school from 830-3 and longer when they are at secondary. I always have a couple of weeks at home over Easter and in the summer when DS is at his dad’s and I get so bored. House and garden done, what else is there to do but read books, go for swims/bike rides/runs or take long baths (I realise I could be volunteering or working elsewhere or expanding my horizons with travel or wellness!)? I need to have the stimulation of other adult company in the daytime (and kids, as I am a teacher). I recognise that I haven’t ever had a choice but even towards the end of maternity leave I was desperate to get back to work. Most of my SAHM friends went to the same university as me (Cambridge) and could be using their brains to awesome effect, which baffles me. I wonder if they are bored but all of them have “married well” and so have the ability to spend money on their free time which I don’t (am possibly jealous of this fact!). But even today at work we were talking about retirement age and saying that we couldn’t imagine doing nothing once we were 66/67/68. On the other hand, my mum was SAH until I was 14 and has enjoyed the last 15 years of retirement with gardening, golf and a spot of volunteering... Horses for courses, I guess!

FrenchtoEnglish · 22/09/2020 20:12

I think I judge a bit. I'd never say anything out loud, but when SAHMs gave school-aged children, they're just SAHwomen. If I didn't need the money, I'd still feel the need to contribute to society or do something for myself. Charity work or further studies. All other working people have to clean and cook and shop. It's just not enough of a purpose. I don't really judge them as in I don't think they should be doing it... It's more of an "I wouldn't be fulfilled doing that" feeling I get. My ex SIL is a SAHM, and she has a lovely house and a lot of money... but she just shops, clean, picks kids up. Repeat. I think she's bored. I also think she's lost touch with the real world.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 22/09/2020 20:14

Of course not. That would be idiotic.

Also OP nobody else has gone there yet, so I'm going to: DP? Are you married?

QuacksInTheDark · 22/09/2020 20:15

No, you do you and all that guff.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 22/09/2020 20:16

If they are in the uk no I dont. If they are in Denmark then yes.

Fucket · 22/09/2020 20:16

I’ve been a sahm, a working FT mum and now work PT. I found it incredibly soul destroying being at home all day with small children and really missed adult conversation. I give my hat to anyone who can hack the tedium day-in-day out for years on end.

I worry for my friends who have become SAHM, when their husbands don’t earn enough for them to cope on one salary. A lot of them have ended up trying to flog MLM on Facebook, and I think they are desperately trying everything they can to avoid going back to work.

I worry that if their partners leave them, they will be up shit creek without a paddle, out of the job market for years, single parents and no pension pot. Unless you are super rich, and your partner contributes to your pension for you, it’s a very risky thing giving up work to look after the family.

But At the end of the day everyone is responsible for their own lives and if that’s what they want to do, who am I to judge?

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 20:18

@BlueBoar

I’m going to be brutally honest as a single parent who has had no choice but to work since DS was one and say that yes, I do wonder why some women don’t want to be economically active / in a social working environment when their children are at school from 830-3 and longer when they are at secondary. I always have a couple of weeks at home over Easter and in the summer when DS is at his dad’s and I get so bored. House and garden done, what else is there to do but read books, go for swims/bike rides/runs or take long baths (I realise I could be volunteering or working elsewhere or expanding my horizons with travel or wellness!)? I need to have the stimulation of other adult company in the daytime (and kids, as I am a teacher). I recognise that I haven’t ever had a choice but even towards the end of maternity leave I was desperate to get back to work. Most of my SAHM friends went to the same university as me (Cambridge) and could be using their brains to awesome effect, which baffles me. I wonder if they are bored but all of them have “married well” and so have the ability to spend money on their free time which I don’t (am possibly jealous of this fact!). But even today at work we were talking about retirement age and saying that we couldn’t imagine doing nothing once we were 66/67/68. On the other hand, my mum was SAH until I was 14 and has enjoyed the last 15 years of retirement with gardening, golf and a spot of volunteering... Horses for courses, I guess!
You have chosen the right approach for you but you struggle to understand other people's choices and so you judge...good empathy skills there!😂
eyesbiggerthanstomach · 22/09/2020 20:18

It's strange. I am a working mum full time from when toddler was 10 months (but now on furlough). I was always envious of SAHM but I think my SAHM friends are envious of me. The grass is always greener.

tigger001 · 22/09/2020 20:19

Why would you care if a stranger judged you? Surely if they are happy with their lives they don't need to look to drag you down.

reluctantbrit · 22/09/2020 20:19

I don’t judge even if I don’t understand SAHMs in the current world we are living with absolutely no safety net if anything goes wrong. I find the concept naive.

What I judge is the cluelessness of some I came across when DD was in primary schools. Sorry, I cannot arrange play dates for tomorrow in the holidays, I work and I organised holiday clubs months in advance.