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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
doadeer · 22/09/2020 17:55

It's not for me to judge someone else's life but it's not for me to be a SAHM. I'm lucky in that I have my own freelance company so I can work as much or little as I want I just add in extra contracts. I spend every day at home with my toddler but I work around him when he sleeps and DP takes a half day so I can do a big chunk.

I didn't have a lot of money growing up and being able to buy luxury items for myself like candles and skincare. I truly can't imagine not having a source of income, I've worked since I was 14 and even started a side business on maternity. I think I need this for my own sense of fulfilment. Working my brain in a different way is crucial to my sense of self.

HazelWong · 22/09/2020 18:04

I don't judge so much as just find it quite difficult to understand. I don't know any SAHMs my age and it never occurred to me as an option. I kind of think of it as something women did 30 years ago.

I find my professional job way easier than looking after 2 small children - I am senior enough to be able to organise my own work and diary and have a team that I can delegate to. I enjoy my day off with the kids but even increasing that to two days off is totally unappealing.

What I do find annoying are the posters on here who say things like "but where are all the term time only 10-2pm jobs?" like the concept of childcare has completely passed them by. I am sure someone will be along shortly to say that there is no wraparound care within 50 miles of them but a) 75% of mothers work so I don't really believe that can be common and b) it is possible to move house rather than give up work for 15 years ..

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 18:15

@Marmunia1975

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.
No our money - never feel like my opinion is disrespected. Lots of concern for my pension too - it's fine believe me and once I felt like shit after spending the evening with a woman who dominated the conversation around the table talking about work, I had nothing to contribute - I felt utterly rubbish, felt like I'd achieved nothing. I met her quite frequently after that and all she ever talks about is her job and all the problems she has with it - when we're at the pub, a party, with her kids, she bangs on about her job - I've never known anyone like her, most people I know have big jobs and it's the last thing they'll talk about in company - that night I thought it was me but it was definitely her! I cross the road and duck and dive when I see her.

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TheMostHappy · 22/09/2020 18:34

No I certainly don't judge. I'm very jealous, but I understand that it comes with it's own set of challenges. I'd love it, but we can't afford just one salary.

JudyGemstone · 22/09/2020 18:37

@Lonoxo

No. Looking after a child all day is hard. I bet you some CEO wouldn’t be able to hack a week of what you do. Raising the next generation is important. I’ve seen too many people messed up by poor parenting.
Just because someone is a SAHP it doesn't mean they're a good parent.

And I'm sorry but it's not that hard is it. A CEO couldn't manage to mind a couple of kids for a week? Give over.

Killpopp · 22/09/2020 18:42

No. I just think it’s a bit old fashioned.

fromheretonowhere · 22/09/2020 18:47

I’m a SAHM and have only had one person openly judge me to my face. I couldn’t care less what other women do - we should all stop judging each other for our choices and just get on living our own lives.

I had intended to go back to work at the beginning of the year, but finding a suitable job that fits in with childcare, and then lockdown put the stops on that. The search continues..

minipie · 22/09/2020 18:50

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.

Not for a second. He couldn’t have the job he does, with the earnings he does, without me having given up my own high earning career to take care of his share of the childcare and domestic stuff (as well as my share). If I’d insisted he did 50% of everything domestically, as would have been completely fair, I would still be earning well and he would be earning much much less.

I have absolutely earned a half share of his pay. He agrees - and he would much rather go to work than be at home.

Kidneybingo · 22/09/2020 18:53

Not the individual, no, while children are very small. I'm infuriated that it is still nearly always the woman who gives up her job. I also don't understand SAHM of older children who try to tell me it's stressful. Just own it and say it's great to have so much time.

SqidgeBum · 22/09/2020 18:56

@JudyGemstone my sister runs an A&E in london city centre. She does 12 hour shifts dealing with the most horrific injuries and situations.

I asked her to mind my DD for ONE day from 7:30am to 4pm when she was about 10 months old. My sister said she would take a busy A&E over a moany child any day (my DD had a cold). She said the only way she survived was to constantly feed her biscuits.

Not everyone can hack being a SAHM, the same as not everyone can hack being a CEO. Both are very tough jobs.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2020 19:02

He couldn’t have the job he does, with the earnings he does, without me having given up my own high earning career to take care of his share of the childcare and domestic stuff (as well as my share

That doesn’t make any sense. Surely if you’re a high earner between you you could afford child care and he could absolutely have done the job he does? How could he only do it if you provided the child care and not say a nanny?

bumblebeebiz · 22/09/2020 19:06

No! SAHMs are saints as far as I'm concerned.
I love work and the balance it gives me with my children. I couldn't be a SAHM.
I don't envy the opportunity you have to be a SAHM. I do envy the patience and attitude you must have to manage!

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 19:09

And I'm sorry but it's not that hard is it. A CEO couldn't manage to mind a couple of kids for a week? Give over. One of our friends is a senior partner in one of the magic circle law firms. She decided she was going to take a year off to look after her new born twins - when we visited her she said she could not be alone with them, some one had to be with her all the time - it was much too hard - she went back after 9months - she couldn't make the year. She was a seriously impressive lawyer, so together and organised but she couldn't do sahm parenting with twins - which scared the shit out of me - because when we saw her I was pregnant with twins!

Cam2020 · 22/09/2020 19:10

Absolutely no judgement from me, although I do wonder how wise it is to be reliant on one income and another person for money, but that's due to my own experience. I'd have loved to have had the option of being a SAHM or even working part time and I'm must admit I've felt quite sad about that in the past, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone else their choice.. My fiance developed a terminal illness and became unable to work, unfortunately.

Devlesko · 22/09/2020 19:17

No, have been both.
I think being married is more important than having a job, as long as you don't mind what you do if you split up and need to work.
Continue paying your NI stamp, pension provision.

Peachypips78 · 22/09/2020 19:18

My logical brain says that we all have choices and different paths we take, and that what's right for one person/family isn't right for another.

However, if I was to be absolutely completely honest (and I know this isn't right or kind) I do judge SAHMs a bit. Not when kids are preschoolers but when kids are all at school.

I have a very strong work ethic and drive and I can't think what I would do all day if I was at home all the time. The unpleasant part of me thinks it's a bit lazy.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 22/09/2020 19:18

No, don't judge at all. If anything, quite envious of the SAHMs I know.

onetwothreeadventure · 22/09/2020 19:19

No judgement here. Some days I wish I had the option to stay at home, some days I like the silence and lack of responsibility for out small humans

ReturnofSaturn · 22/09/2020 19:20

Nobody 'worries' or 'frets' about other mothers being vulnerable as a SAHM. That's bullshit, they couldn't care less, it's just judgment wrapped up in disguise.

To those who can't 'fathom' why mothers would stay home, well because small children aren't small for long and to some mothers they want to make the absolute most of it for those short years. That time can't be gotten back.

Iw24wImI · 22/09/2020 19:20

I don't judge at all. I am a part time worker. I feel some of the FT mums at my work judge me for having time at home in the week!

My personal feelings towards SAHMs is that I am quite jealous and would have loved the new born up until end of infant school years off, without the need to work.

Peachypips78 · 22/09/2020 19:22

Just to add I think a lot of it for me is that I am really ambitious- and I find it hard to get my head around not having a drive to succeed work-wise.

Maybe I get too much self-esteem from working in reflection!

Girlyracer · 22/09/2020 19:30

I do judge people who don't work when they can do so. It doesn't matter the sex. Those who work pay tax which then contributes to the cost of roads, health, schools, etc. Those who don't work still use all of societies facilities.

flourbroach · 22/09/2020 19:32

I was only working because I had to. We needed my income. Why would I be judgemental towards others?

Devlesko · 22/09/2020 19:32

What about those who work and don't pay tax are they good enough for you, lol.

I judge people who see the only way to live is working for fat cats, tbh.
Not people who work for them, but those who judge others who don't.

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 19:33

@Girlyracer

I do judge people who don't work when they can do so. It doesn't matter the sex. Those who work pay tax which then contributes to the cost of roads, health, schools, etc. Those who don't work still use all of societies facilities.
Believe me our household pays enough tax for all of us and plenty besides - that is not something I feel guilty about!