Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

I am a stay at home my myself so obviously I don't judge others who have made the same decision as I have.

DH doesn't earn much at all. Most people would probably be quite shocked at how little he earns whilst having 3 DCs and a wife at home.

We just don't have the sort of life style where we need money!

We have savings. We have life insurance.

We have a car and a work van. We go on holiday in a tent a few times a year. Weekends are spent at the beach, in the woods, in the garden/playing at home or at our allotment.

All clothes are hand me downs from others or charity shops. All bills are paid, we have solar panels so the electricity board actually pay us for the electricity we make them! The DCs have everything they need. DH and I are very content with what we have.

I am a stay at home mum because I want to be. And we make it work.

I would never judge women for working full time. So I don't expect to be judged back.

My mother did the same worked her butt off, I still became a SAHM and it was as much because of her and the importance she put on work over her kids - I grew up desperate for her time and love. We had a house-keeper for 25 years - my mother escaped motherhood by working, took holidays when we were at school...she was quite shit at mothering. My father did seem to enjoy parenting us and spending time with us though - so there's always that!

Funny the importance we put on mothering rather than parenting in general. In a lot of families this sort of thing totally flies under the radar if the father is hands off - can't imagine many sons in this reversed situation deciding to become SAHDs because of the "importance [their father] put on work over [his] kids".

Don't mean to minimise your situation though. Bit taken aback, to be honest, as I don't know of any mothers or fathers who go on holiday alone without their kids (but do know a few couples who ditch the kids and go on holiday together).

Nope, although I judged myself in the few months after dc3 started preschool when I hasn't found a job with more hours. I was mostly a sahm while I had children under 3 - did a few hours in the evening. I very much felt it was the right choice, and it was a choice DH and I made together and actually moved abroad partly to facilitate.

However once dc3 started preschool I had a bit of a "what's the point of me?" Existential crisis and looked for a job asap! I enjoyed having a child home with me all the time but couldn't make my peace with being home when all the children were at school and preschool. That's odd really because now they're older I do shift work and love being home alone it's psychologically different though

I have a daughter who's just started reception, and I work FT - now from home for the foreseeable future. We're currently juggling after school childcare between DH and me, as wraparound provision isn't running at the moment. Fortunately, work is very flexible, but it has given me a new understanding of how difficult it can be for SAHM to get jobs that work around school hours.

I get home from drop off around 9.15, and I need to set off for pickup around 2.30. If you're looking for a job that works around school hours, you're realistically looking at maybe four hours a day. So many jobs just don't work with those hours, so I can completely understand why, if you're a SAHM, just finding a job can be more hassle than it's worth. So no, I don't judge - it's about what's best for your family.

I don’t judge SAHM or Ds at all. It’s up to each family to work out how they cover their bills. But I do think the majority have an easy life compared to working parents, and the working parent has an easier time of it than where both parents work too.

As a working parent yes I can outsource a lot of the day to day, but not the mental load and everything that goes with that.

@mypetEufy - we’ve always done holidays with and without DC’s. We have traveled across the world on amazing holidays with the DC’s and regularly as a family visited my and DH’s family in Europe and Canada.
DH has done golf and skiing trips with friends and I’ve done spa breaks. DH and I together, without DC’s have gone on holidays for special occasions such as our 40th birthdays and last year our silver wedding. Happy parents and happy DC’s.

My mother did the same worked her butt off, I still became a SAHM and it was as much because of her and the importance she put on work over her kids - I grew up desperate for her time and love. We had a house-keeper for 25 years - my mother escaped motherhood by working

This is a very honest post.

This happens more than we care to admit.

My mother did this too, under the guise 'we needed more money' but we didn't need the money at all, it was just an excuse to not do anymore parenting. She couldn't stand it towards the end of our childhoods. Before anyone jumps on the what about the father. My father was also the same, and worked every hour to avoid being at home. I blamed them both for what followed due to their negligence.

I have friends that do this now, they have outsourced parenting for all intents and purposes. As a parent I see exactly the same pattern forming for their children. Without anyone at home, getting into big trouble as teens etc.

Yes coz I'm jealous! There is just me as breadwinner, house maintainer, provisions shopper, chef, child taxi, teacher, entertainer...fortunately i have managed to delegate gardener to someone else!

GlovesAndBoots

That's like us, except there have been times where I have worked, but in our business.
We are low income too, we don't have many bills as keep costs down, and not into buying stuff we don't need.
I do like to have my palm crossed with silver for my work when I do it though, it makes people laugh and is part of my contract. I'm Romany.

SAHD- parks kid in front of the TV all day, doesn't attend any groups, is a bit feckless and useless he's be better off working and the kid in childcare engaging with others.
Working Mum who's kids feet bleed and blister on school trip that had lots of walking as shoes way too small (this wasn't a money issue)
Working Mum & Dad who take their kid to mother in law every Saturday for a sleepover so they can rest. That kid barely sees his parents.
SAHM too busy building her "business" (pyramid scheme) online that she joked she'd forgotten to feed her kid lunch and dinner was toast.

To be honest I read those examples and found each one relatable. Do you mean them when you talk about people who "seemingly give no shits about their children's welfare"?

My favourite SAHM was also an artist. She didn't say, "oh, I stay at home with the kids" when someone asked her what she did, she talked about her work instead.

If you're feeling embarrassed about saying that you're a SAHM, is there something that you do (or would like to do) that you could answer with instead? It doesn't have to earn money, it could just be a skill that you develop and enjoy in your free time.

I’ve been a sahm for a long time now - I identify with a lot of what you’ve written . In reality I think though a lot of people just assume I wfh part time .

mypetEufy

I think I’m in love with you

Only when they say they dont have time to do X Y or Z when I'm working full time plus and having to squeeze all those things in but no not at all, I would have liked that family set up being either the worker or SAHP but I'm now single doing it all 😂

My mum was a stay at home mum and I'm now 30. She still doesn't work and has no friends or hobbies.
Is bored and depressed at home.
I think everyone needs something, even if it's volunteering or a part time job. Just for having a bit of socialisation and life outside of house and kids.
You end up with no personality otherwise.

You end up with no personality otherwise.
Personality isn't predicated on a job.

mrsrocky Your mum doesn't sound like she has no personality, she sounds like she is severely depressed! And probably would be with or without a job poor thing.

Have you done anything to address her MH? mrs perhaps she can't go out and make friends because her mental health is so bad, and not a choice at all. What a dreadful post about your own mum - grim

I have been a sahm and a working mum, I did sometimes feel judged as a sahm. So i dont judge a sahm but honestly i think others sometimes do. I think as a mum you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
Being a sahm can make you financially vulnerable, even now I earn a fraction of what I would have done if I hadnt taken time off when I had DC.
I loved my time with DC when they were younger but its comes at a cost and ( annoyingly) now they are teenagers they dont care or remember anything we did together before starting school, DH also didnt really acknowledge or accept how challenging and draining it can be looking after young DC 24/7.
I definitely wasn't bored and easily filled my time .
When I returned to work it was hard as DC and DH were used to me being available and it was a long battle before DH started to take an equal responsibility for childcare/ housework/ house admin as when i was at home he never had to think about the impact of going on a work trip or worry about sorting a costume for book day etc etc

@MrsxRocky

My mum was a stay at home mum and I'm now 30. She still doesn't work and has no friends or hobbies. Is bored and depressed at home. I think everyone needs something, even if it's volunteering or a part time job. Just for having a bit of socialisation and life outside of house and kids. You end up with no personality otherwise.

I agree with some of the this. I’m not sure it gives you no personality. But I can see what you mean. Children learn to do things for theirselves so by the time high school comes around I’m not sure what a SAHP is doing 7 days a week. I think having an outlet aside from your kids is crucial.

Im envious of sahm's. Its a luxury that i wasnt able to do

Don't judge. But I do sometimes wonder if they are ok because I wasn't when I was one! And I also occasionally think what a big risk it is putting yourself in a position where you are economically reliant on somebody else.

I think it's fine as long as you're genuinely happy to be a SAHP. I always felt like there was something wrong with me for not loving it.

I don't judge, but I wonder if they get bored.
It seems the women with good brains and good education AKA higher earning power return to their careers after maternity.
That's what I hope more women choose to do in the future, because they have good careers to return to and therefore it's worth while. It creates more equality that way.

DH also didnt really acknowledge or accept how challenging and draining it can be looking after young DC 24/7.
I definitely wasn't bored and easily filled my time .
When I returned to work it was hard as DC and DH were used to me being available and it was a long battle before DH started to take an equal responsibility for childcare/ housework/ house admin as when i was at home he never had to think about the impact of going on a work trip or worry about sorting a costume for book day etc etc

Can relate to this 100% I've been back at work 5 years, my DH would be hard pressed to tell you what year are kids are in at school, let alone their tutor or teachers name! Me and DD agreed he will have no idea what she has chosen as her options subjects. I'm pretty sure I do all the things I did as a SAHM as well as going to work.
Even though the "childcare" aspect is almost over, there is more admin as they get older (and with covid!)

*My mother did the same worked her butt off, I still became a SAHM and it was as much because of her and the importance she put on work over her kids - I grew up desperate for her time and love. We had a house-keeper for 25 years - my mother escaped motherhood by working, took holidays when we were at school...she was quite shit at mothering. My father did seem to enjoy parenting us and spending time with us though - so there's always that!

My mother was also shit at mothering - she did work full time but mostly she just didn't know how to relate to children. I spent most of my school holidays sat in her workplace reading books.

But my dad was great and what I took from that was that it is possible to work (he worked longer hours than my mother) and be a great involved parent. I work 4 and a half days compressed into 4.