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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
NewLevelsOfTiredness · 23/09/2020 11:12

As a guy that took 5 months paternity leave and generally covers the kid's sick days, the only people I judge are other men who think that going to work is the 'difficult and draining' role.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 23/09/2020 11:17

No, but I am now one myself. I never thought I would as I love my job (teacher) but had two kids close in age and nursery fees would wipe out my wage. I will go back when they're in school but I am loving being at home with them both. If I am honest, it took me a while to admit that I was now a SAHM because people expected me to go back to work (only two other friends have kids and both went back to work). I did feel judged (it was very obvious) but I have embraced it, we only get these years once. Yesterday, we spent the whole day exploring woodland and having a picnic. Wouldn't trade that day for anything. 🙂 It is lovely to see so many mumsnetters say they do not judge.

Pollypockett23 · 23/09/2020 11:19

Good post OP.

I am a SAHM mum and I can't help but feel inadequate in some ways. I always make excuses (previously had a really good job/top of my game).

I don't need to work but my BIL is always poking at me about work 🙄🥴

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kirinm · 23/09/2020 11:25

No, not really. I totally get wanting to be at home before they go to school but I do wonder if not working once they're older, is detrimental in some way. If the SAHM doesn't ever want to work again, fair enough but how will they get back into work after such a long career break.

TeddyIsaHe · 23/09/2020 11:29

I don’t judge, but I can’t comprehend it! I’m made differently. I adore my dd, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, but I need more from life than being her mum 24/7. Lockdown was interesting. We bonded more than we ever have which made me feel endless ‘mum guilt’, but I still need to be at work and not be ‘mummy’ for a good portion of the week for my own sanity.

GrouchyKiwi · 23/09/2020 11:30

I've been judged as a SAHM by people; told that I'm wasting my intellect and I should be contributing more to society. As far as I'm aware, however, I've not been judged by other mothers, just young women who don't have children (and some who don't intend to). This was, however, before I started home educating my brood so I don't know if they'd think the same now.

I couldn't work out of home whilst bringing up children. Not because I think it's wrong but because I only have enough energy for one of those roles. I am thankful that DH earns enough that our family works with me at home, and that I am thus able to home ed our children.

I have nothing but respect for women who work as well as bringing up their children. You give so much of yourselves. And usually you have to do everything because so many men think their only contribution is a job.

I agree with those who say society needs to value childcare more. Especially men.

faithfulbird · 23/09/2020 11:37

I've been judged- I constantly get told to go back to work from close relatives or people i know. I even got an omg you don't work ??? My daughter has 3 teenage kids and she works! when my daughter was 17 months old. I don't judge either way.

I've also heard some part time working mums say 'no no i worked all the way' after my mat leave ended and second pregnancy started. Almost like they felt guilty for staying at home.

RepDom21 · 23/09/2020 11:38

@SweetPetrichor

I’m not a working mum - I’m not a mum - but yes, I judge sahms. They’re dragging us back to the 1950s housewife stereotype, they rely on their husbands, they abandon their own life and career, and worst of all, they moan about all the work they have to do and the ‘mental burden’ (god, that phrase would make you puke)...how do they think working mums manage. If you want to be a kept woman, you better have the housework done, the meals on the table and the children dealt with. If you can’t manage that when wtf are you doing all day!
Your view is unfair if your not a mum. I just want to add there’s many things I thought and didn’t understand before I was a mother myself. My thought process did change on some things now I am now a mum myself.
Devlesko · 23/09/2020 11:43

Hey, I never said sheeple and I didn't mean that either.
I just think a lot of people think like this and it's not the only way to live.

Is it really difficult to understand that some people need very little money for their lifestyle choice and that both parents working isn't necessary for them?

Friendsoftheearth · 23/09/2020 12:01

It is a total privilege to enjoy your children, if you are able to.

Parker231 · 23/09/2020 12:08

It’s so wrong that some people (usually other SAHM) judge working mothers but don’t judge working fathers?
Neither DH or I financially need to work but both have with full time careers (one doctor and one corporate financier) as we both wanted those careers as well as enjoying our DC’s.

Stinkyguineapig · 23/09/2020 12:16

I judge people who make comments like this, like woh is the only way someone can be busy, I judge this person to be soooooo boring.
You are no better because you have a job, you are no busier than anyone else.
HTH

If you read my post I havent said, and wouldnt consider myself better than a SAHM.

Both WOTH and SAHM mutually benefit each other. I benefit from SAHMs who volunteer at school etc, some people benefit from SAHMs who run playgroup etc they benefit from working parents who provide services that they use. Neither is better than the other.
However the example I gave was just doing leisure activities and stuff that other people fit around WOTH.

kittykat35 · 23/09/2020 12:49

It is a total privilege to enjoy your children, if you are able to.

You see I don't get these comments either?!Confusedlike working mothers can't/don't enjoy their children??!! Hmm I was a sahm for 6 years and I went back to work 3 years ago...I probably enjoy my children MORE now to be honest... but that's just me I need balance and I consider work as "me time"

Parker231 · 23/09/2020 12:58

Surely working and stay at home parents (mum and dad) have the privilege to enjoy their children?

MojoJojo71 · 23/09/2020 13:00

If you ‘enjoy’ staying home with your children then that’s great but I honestly think I enjoy my children more because I go to work. It would drive me mad if was at home with them all the time.

Kez200 · 23/09/2020 13:08

No. I was envious!

Goldenbear · 23/09/2020 13:20

I don't judge as I was a SAHM for almost 9 years but I think society judges because having a job is associated with status. People ask me about my job, whereas they didn't tend to ask about the role of SAHM. Particularly people that don't have children, like my BIL or my DH's colleagues/friends if we go for a drink with them, they will ask what my job involves etc. On that basis my self confidence has improved.

DemolitionBarbie · 23/09/2020 13:27

If you decide to be a SAHM very young in life and that's all you ever want from life, I think that's a bit weird and you're missing out.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but it I do find it harder to make conversation with them, just as I find it hard to find things to talk about when I've been on mat leave or on furlough.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 23/09/2020 13:35

If you decide to be a worker very young in life and that's all you ever want from life, I think that's a bit weird and you're missing out.

Stinkyguineapig · 23/09/2020 13:39

Devlesko
I judge this person to be soooooo boring.

I have conversations with WOTH mums and SAHMs. Some days the SAHM day seems boring to me, sometimes I am envious if they have done something fun. Equally maybe they find some of my convo boring, but a lot of people find my job interesting because it's quite unusual. (Although obviously I talk about other stuff as well)
The most boring couple I know dont talk about anything except their sports hobbies. I think they would be dull regardless what they did.

OhToBeASeahorse · 23/09/2020 13:53

No, I judge myself because i couldn't hack it

mypetEufy · 23/09/2020 14:03

Nobody 'worries' or 'frets' about other mothers being vulnerable as a SAHM. That's bullshit, they couldn't care less, it's just judgment wrapped up in disguise

This is so true. Sometimes it almost feels likes there's a bit of schadenfreude in posters who prophesize about when the SAHM's DH "leaves for another woman or gets ill".

sqirrelfriends · 23/09/2020 14:08

@kittykat35

It is a total privilege to enjoy your children, if you are able to.

You see I don't get these comments either?!Confusedlike working mothers can't/don't enjoy their children??!! Hmm I was a sahm for 6 years and I went back to work 3 years ago...I probably enjoy my children MORE now to be honest... but that's just me I need balance and I consider work as "me time"

Absolutely this, working is 100% easier to me than looking after my 2 year old while trying to keep us all fed and the house in some order. I also get the added bonus of drinking tea while it's still warm and talking to other adults about anything other than our kids interesting things.

I do have the benefit of enjoying my job and liking my colleagues, I imagine if I hated my job then I would prefer to stay at home with DS.

CaffeineInfusion · 23/09/2020 14:10

Nope. Don't judge at all. If I was that invested in someone else's life, I'd probably want everything else that came with it. But I don't.

I've been a sahm and a working parent. I loved being at home with my children. But more importantly, they look back and tell me they loved me being home. Suddenly being a latchkey kid just wasn't up their alley.

I'd do the same again. Yes I missed out financially, but my kids were happy. And I don't give a stick what anyone else makes of my family arrangements.

MeadowHay · 23/09/2020 14:10

No, a few of my friends are SAHMs and my DM was for various periods of my childhood. I could become one too if I wanted now as DH now earns a decent enough wage, but for various reasons I don't want to. I wish I could work less hours than I do now though but my company won't let me.