Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

Not at all. Hats off to them, I say.

Pretty much all women with children are SAHM at some point - there’s really very few of us back at work the day after giving birth - and pretty much all women with children work at some point (again very few lifelong SAHM these days).

Not much point judging just because we’re all at different points on the spectrum.

I do a massive eye-roll whenever someone claims working is easier or they go to work for a break....thank God I don’t do such a crappy job, I’d hate it.

No I wouldn't judge, I think being a sahm can be harder, especially while they're little and it's relentless caring and entertaining them.

I would probably wonder why someone hasn't gone back to work by the time their kids are in school, but I wouldn't judge.

Absolutely not, for me I feel a tinge of sympathy, when I was a sahm for 6 years it was because we really couldn't afford for me to work, a close friend of mine is in the same boat, she's at home not really by choice but more by circumstances. I have another friend and they are very wealthy and she has chosen not to work outside the house but she's the busy person I know. It wasn't a very happy period in my life , when I was at home and I felt lonely, isolated and not much self worth, so I'm mindful of that

Honestly.... I have so many friends who gave up work when they had babies who found it extremely difficult to get back into work or at least any kind of satisfying work and are now quite bored and lonely as their children are school age. They also gave up their financial independence and for many I know that was not a good thing in hindsight neither for them or their DHs.
I know SAHM and WOHM is not always a choice and people’s circumstances are different.

I know lots of SAHMs and while I sometimes envy their choice to SAHM, I dont think I would want to, now that my DC are older.
It does grate when SAHM with older DC talk about how busy they are and how they cant fit everything in, when what they actually mean is they havent managed to go to coffee after their spin class, as normal, because they are taking the cat to the vet and then have to go home and let the decorator in.

Absolutely not. But I do hope that any SAHP have a back up plan should the relationship with the breadwinner end.

I struggle to be sympathetic to someone who took 15 years off work to be a SAHM and then moans that she can’t get a decent job. I think you have to own your choices. My decent job comes about because I worked (other than periods of maternity leave) rather than being a SAHM. There are pluses and minuses to both options but it’s deeply unreasonable to expect to walk into a senior position after being at home for a decade or more.

I don't... Maybe I'm envious of their lifestyle as I wish I could work PT. However, I do judge them if they tell me they're more of a mother or they're a FT mum. So am I! Just that I also have a second job.

Honestly? There was one school mum with much older kids who used to flounce around like lady muck whilst clearly judging everyone else for not being able to be in 3 separate places at once for their kids. I judged her. But that's because she was a nob...

Otherwise no, not really that interested in what people do.

I left my job about a year ago as I was bullied out by my line manager. I'm now retraining but havent been able to find part time work to fit around that. I've felt pretty judged about that and it really seems to bother one of my kids that I dont work.

I get the need to justify. Plus if you've always worked up to having kids it can just feel pretty strange and a lot of people wonder what their 'point' is.

People imagine its lovely but I spend a lot of time feeling anxious and the rest doing my assignments and housework! It's the paradox of wanting to enjoy the period of not working but not quite being able too because of the guilt re not working - and the small matter of covid of course.

I’m not a mum, but I’m 35 so a lot of my friends and colleagues are. Whenever I hear that someone is a SAHM I assume it’s code for “We’re rich.” It’s not really an attainable lifestyle for most people.

@breadcakebiscuits

I’m not a mum, but I’m 35 so a lot of my friends and colleagues are. Whenever I hear that someone is a SAHM I assume it’s code for “We’re rich.” It’s not really an attainable lifestyle for most people.

You say that, until you realise they are SAHMs because childcare cost more than they earned every month, so working didnt actually bring any money in.

For me, if I see someone can afford childcare, i think 'they must have a really well paid job'. Admittedly, I would have had the same idea as you before having kids and realising that I cant afford to work with two young kids despite being a teacher with 5 years experience and a masters degree.

I never worry about what my point is or what others think of me, that is pointless. I have no obligation to anyone other than myself which doesn't mean I never think of others or help but that whatever other rules people think apply to them and should apply to me are taken no notice of.

Lots of judgment on this thread, lots of I wouldn't judge but....

I don't judge wohp's but I'm always surprised at the amount of people that believe life is for working to earn money for others.
As some sort of identity of themselves. I'm a ........, rather than just being.
But we all think differently and are some conditioned by society to follow what others do, with the same type of lifestyle, without ever questioning.
It would be boring if we were all the same and it takes variety to make the world go round.

I’m not a mum, but I’m 35 so a lot of my friends and colleagues are. Whenever I hear that someone is a SAHM I assume it’s code for “We’re rich.” It’s not really an attainable lifestyle for most people.

I think in most cases that's true, but just try not assume others situation. I have never understood people who assume others lives, there are a million reasons why someone is a stay at home parent.

It only seems to make people bitter and jealous by comparing lives, just look at your life, if you are happy you're doing well.

It does grate when SAHM with older DC talk about how busy they are and how they cant fit everything in, when what they actually mean is they havent managed to go to coffee after their spin class, as normal, because they are taking the cat to the vet and then have to go home and let the decorator in.

I judge people who make comments like this, like woh is the only way someone can be busy, I judge this person to be soooooo boring.
You are no better because you have a job, you are no busier than anyone else.
HTH

I don't know about judge. But SAHMs of school age children are opting for an easy life. Good luck to them. But don't pretend otherwise.

@Devlesko

I don't judge wohp's but I'm always surprised at the amount of people that believe life is for working to earn money for others. As some sort of identity of themselves. I'm a ........, rather than just being. But we all think differently and are some conditioned by society to follow what others do, with the same type of lifestyle, without ever questioning. It would be boring if we were all the same and it takes variety to make the world go round.

How do you pay your bills while you're 'just being', and throwing off society's expectations, @Devlesko? Surely you need to eat and have a roof over your head just as much as us sheeple who work?

I’m not a working mum - I’m not a mum - but yes, I judge sahms. They’re dragging us back to the 1950s housewife stereotype, they rely on their husbands, they abandon their own life and career, and worst of all, they moan about all the work they have to do and the ‘mental burden’ (god, that phrase would make you puke)...how do they think working mums manage. If you want to be a kept woman, you better have the housework done, the meals on the table and the children dealt with. If you can’t manage that when wtf are you doing all day!

Not at all. I sometimes envy them, but I’m a worrier with a parent that died from an undetectable disease quite young and the thought of jumping off the career ladder and putting the burden of earning in the sole hands of DH frightens me (and him too).

I don't judge wohp's but I'm always surprised at the amount of people that believe life is for working to earn money for others.
As some sort of identity of themselves. I'm a ........, rather than just being

This is hard to understand, surely the working parent is working to earn money for others? Who else will do it? How can you just be, unless someone else works to pay for you, be it a partner or the tax payer?

Relying solely on another person is a very dangerous thing to do. Avoid at all costs as much as you can!

You need to work on why you are allowing people to openly judge you like this op. Work around your boundaries is needed. It is not okay for anyone to question you on your lifestyle or choices, and if they are and you made it clear you are not interested in talking about it, then I would distance myself from them.

Your life - your choice.
No justification required.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer, yes I am, but @SweetPetrichor, I'm married to a woman, so I'm not sure which version of the 1950's I'm supposed to be "dragging" everyone back to 🤔