Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

Attendance awards in primary drive me bonkers too. Either the child is unwell (not their fault) or their parents keep them off for silly reasons (I had a friend whose mum kept her off for any sneeze or birthday) or can't be arsed to bring them in (also not their fault).

It is no different to the best parts in the school play going to the teacher’s pet very time. The same two or three people always got picked. They definitely had favourites at my sons primary school.

Haven’t read all the comments but this is just like a boy in the school where I work. The other kids ask why he gets to do fun stuff when he’s badly behaved in class while they work.
I tell them they’re actually getting an education and will do well in life, he’ll get a GCSE in colouring in and scooting round the playground. He’s just wasting his life dicking about

If my experience is anything to go by the kid dicking about will probably be better off aged 45 than the pleasant but average kids who work hard but fall under the radar.

.

@Itisbetter

Or move to an independent school where teachers have more time and resources to reward all kids appropriately this is not good advice

It’s better advice than your nonsense that children who abide by the rules should have it explained to them that the other children need more help. Reward appropriately or don’t reward.

Threads like this make me sad.

My child is a Ben. Even though he has only just started reception here has already been in trouble for hurting other children. The other children don’t want to play with him and I know the parents will think he is naughty and that it is down to bad parenting.

It’s not. He has asd (and probably adhd). He can’t control his emotions, which makes him go way over the top, and he is completely unable to read other people’s emotions and see when they are not enjoying things. He desperately wants friends but can’t make them at all.

We have sought all sorts of help worth parenting him- there is very very little out there. We have even been turned down for more than one parenting course because apparently our parenting is too good. It’s a massive struggle.

Parenting him is far harder than parenting most other children- including his sibling- in virtually every way. You have no idea how it feels to know your child won’t make other through reception without being excluded.

As for the pp who says they understand because their child has aspergers... well that hasn’t been diagnosed for a long time. And frankly that displays a frightening lack of knowledge of asd for such a parent. I mean, my child (for example) speaks, doesn’t have problems with food and sleeps reasonably well. I wouldn’t even dream of suggesting to another parent that such things are down to my superior parenting. IT IS A SPECTRUM. Your child may have better emotional control. My child doesn’t.

The thing is, however hard it is for us, it is so much harder for him.

I am sorry that he hurts other children. I am sorry they are not getting rewards and that makes them feel bad. Not sure why I should feel sorry though, as many of you don’t feel sorry for Ben, and he probably has it much harder.

“It’s better advice than your nonsense that children who abide by the rules should have it explained to them that the other children need more help. Reward appropriately or don’t reward.”

Well, as parent of a child with SEN I’m accustomed to making myself unpopular, having to document everything, advocate for every bit of help, go through years of diagnoses, fobbings off, I’ve had my parenting picked over, I am no doubt “that parent” in the eyes of teachers, I have other parents giving me the third degree on why my child has x,y or z and why doesn’t theirs.... and that’s actually at a very good and generally supportive school that’s just crippled by finances. I absolutely hate doing it and it’s not my personality at all but I do it because I have to.

Frankly, some children do need more help. If you want your child to get that level of help and support and rewards that you think they need, feel free to start advocating, writing, complaining and generally making a nuisance of yourself. Of course you shouldn’t have to fight for your child’s education but then Ben’s parents have to too.

I'm an ex-teacher (retired).

I only gave children stickers for work (in their books).

I was a behaviour mentor for my local authority and worked with many NQTs who struggled with class behaviour. I've known boys and girls in equal amounts with regards to 'unwanted' behaviour - girls most likely to be 'cruel' to other girls for which I spent endless hours with parents sorting out their unacceptable behaviour and playground spats.

We had 'golden tickets' for behaviour which went inside a box for 6 to be picked out during achievement assembly. Those children then sat together on a special table for lunch the following week. I would often laugh about it as this would often be the table that the 'naughty' children sat at. Many parents said that their child never got to sit at it. My own children never got to sit on their special table at lunchtimes. In our case the dinner ladies handed 'golden tickets' out abundantly in order to bribe the less well behaved children into behaving at lunchtimes. So their special table was of their own making.

The star of the week in my class was a child who had done an outstanding piece of work - this would also be shown in achievement assembly. I didn't tick children off on a chart but tried to make sure every child was a star at some point - some children have to be star more than once (39 wks).

Now my grandchildren are in the same boat - lack of stickers/special mentions.

I always used to tell the children in my class how much I appreciated their excellent behaviour and that they were all my special stars. Now I tell my grandchildren the same.

@SoVeryLost Have you tried it? I have and I wouldn’t advise it. I really don’t want to get into a spat with you. I’m sorry your son is struggling to understand the dynamic in his classroom. I honestly think if you are this upset about it you should address it at school. I’m sorry we disagree on how tailored an experience each child needs and why that might be and why that is or isn’t ok. I’m tired. It’s Friday evening and I think is probably a good idea.

I've thought about this more and am amazed that so many schools can still afford stickers

@MillieEpple

I've thought about this more and am amazed that so many schools can still afford stickers

The teacher will have bought them with their own money.

The other children don’t want to play with him and I know the parents will think he is naughty and that it is down to bad parenting.

If my school is anything to go by, we really don't - we know that some kids need more support, we know it's a balancing act, but we do also have to advocate for our kids - at the beginning of school, my youngest got hit or scratched by another child every day. We all understood that he was finding it tough going back after lockdown, but of course I advised my youngest both that the child was finding it hard, but also to just keep back a bit while it all calms down.

My eldest meanwhile actually gravitates towards the kids like this - he is a rules follower, but honestly doesn't mind or notice if another child is a little bit rough - he's completely capable of diffusing it it seems. His best mate had to be pulled down from the school gates after trying to escape following a melt-down. DS1 didn't even mention it. On the other hand, the kids who chat during lessons he finds intolerable.

The more I read here though, the more I think I struck lucky with the school. Most of the parents and teachers are very realistic about the children and their abilities and needs - I see very little of the judgement and indignation that I'm reading here

Stickers are not my favourite thing. If you miss one of the little fuckers they get stuck in the washing machine and go stinky

It also falls down when I can say that DS should fall into the "has an excuse" multiple SEN both behavioural and physical category, yet doesn't misbehave and constantly gets overlooked as quiet and well behaved so doesn't need increased nurturing as a result.

If your child is well behaved at school and doing well, then their reward is a MUCH nicer time at school every day. More smiles, more well dones, more ' thank you doing the right thing' comments.

Most children with extreme behaviour issues are that way because they have a pretty shit life to be honest. If they can get past all that frap and manage to hold it together enough to get a sticker, then do you really begrudge them it?

Even in secondary, ours has a mentions email every Friday
All during lockdown and today when it's started up, neither of my kids got a mention
Both worked bloody hard on online work during lockdown, neither got any recognition.
It is always, always, the same names in each year group. Always.
DD is 3rd year now so has ceased giving a shit but DS still asks was he mentioned, he did really good work this week but nope.
They also have achievement points. Every kid is told on open day before they go from primary to secondary not to care about these because some teachers give them out for turning up and others never bother, it's a who you've got game and nothing more.
I just don't see why a kind word of encouragement can't be enough. Our school even puts these blasted points on their termly report, with average points in the year group. Which always pisses me off knowing both mine work bloody hard.
When they did a virtual sports day, DS form tutor said to them don't worry too much. Most of the kids in that form have underlying health issues. They actually won and he recorded a video praising everyone by name however small their contribution. That is why I have the upmost respect for him.

Ladyofthemanners- You are the pp I was referring to. Your child may have SN. My child has different SN (even if it may be part of the same spectrum). It is not a failure of effort on my, or my child’s part, that leads to bad behaviour. Basic parenting techniques don’t work on a child like mine. He needs more positivity than most as his self esteem is much much lower.

Congratulations of your wonderful parenting though, for having been able to teach your child not to be badly behaved.

@Wwwomble

Threads like this make me sad.

My child is a Ben. Even though he has only just started reception here has already been in trouble for hurting other children. The other children don’t want to play with him and I know the parents will think he is naughty and that it is down to bad parenting.

It’s not. He has asd (and probably adhd). He can’t control his emotions, which makes him go way over the top, and he is completely unable to read other people’s emotions and see when they are not enjoying things. He desperately wants friends but can’t make them at all.

We have sought all sorts of help worth parenting him- there is very very little out there. We have even been turned down for more than one parenting course because apparently our parenting is too good. It’s a massive struggle.

Parenting him is far harder than parenting most other children- including his sibling- in virtually every way. You have no idea how it feels to know your child won’t make other through reception without being excluded.

As for the pp who says they understand because their child has aspergers... well that hasn’t been diagnosed for a long time. And frankly that displays a frightening lack of knowledge of asd for such a parent. I mean, my child (for example) speaks, doesn’t have problems with food and sleeps reasonably well. I wouldn’t even dream of suggesting to another parent that such things are down to my superior parenting. IT IS A SPECTRUM. Your child may have better emotional control. My child doesn’t.

The thing is, however hard it is for us, it is so much harder for him.

I am sorry that he hurts other children. I am sorry they are not getting rewards and that makes them feel bad. Not sure why I should feel sorry though, as many of you don’t feel sorry for Ben, and he probably has it much harder.

This is what I was trying to convey in my post but some people simply couldn’t understand my logic.

I hope you don’t feel even worse after reading more replies. Lucky them for having typically developing children.....

@Prettybluepigeons

If your child is well behaved at school and doing well, then their reward is a MUCH nicer time at school every day. More smiles, more well dones, more ' thank you doing the right thing' comments.

Most children with extreme behaviour issues are that way because they have a pretty shit life to be honest. If they can get past all that frap and manage to hold it together enough to get a sticker, then do you really begrudge them it?

Sadly I think some people do....

Slightly separate issue, but perhaps part of the solution might lie in having an education system that doesn't force children into formal classroom-based education at the age of 4. If our schools focused on outdoor activities and learning through play until age 7, as some other countries' education systems do, this might eliminate a lot of the behavioural problems which children who aren't "school-ready" cause for their teachers and other children. They are then labelled for the rest of their education as "troublemakers" and school becomes a torment and a place of failure for them. It might also help with reducing childhood obesity. There is nothing laudible about an education system where children are sedentary for large chunks of the day.

My child is a Ben. Even though he has only just started reception here has already been in trouble for hurting other children. The other children don’t want to play with him and I know the parents will think he is naughty and that it is down to bad parenting.

Both my children are a “Ben” in their own way. Through no fault of their own they need support to cope with the school day, neither child is violent but the every day demands of school impact them in a disproportionate way and can cause them significant anxiety which does impact their ability to sit still and quietly get on with things.

My DD would be one of those children who gets a sticker fur doing what most children do as a matter of course. The reason it’s a challenge for her is the result of significant, long term trauma, 3 years in the care system and adoption. I’d much rather she didn’t need the care and support of the school, I’d rather she didn’t need incentives like stickers or stars but she does, because that process fills a gap for her created by abusive and neglectful parenting.

My kids face challenges the vast majority of the school don’t know about, there are times I’d get a marching band and a ticker tape parade for my child just managing to sit at their desk - because I know what it’s taken for them to do that against huge challenges.

Folk who begrudge children like mine a sticker and a bouncy ball can piss off tbh, be thankful your child doesn’t have those challenges and doesn’t need that support.

I would agree with this in part.

But European schools do not start at 7 as the equivalent of our yr R in terms of activity. It’s straight into formal learning at a desk facing the front.

I do think though that infants in our schools need more outdoors time or indoor running around. In my dcs’ school running and ball games were not allowed and they had to do “monitored activities” at playtime and lunchtime. I thought this was crap. Imagine if an adult was followed around in their lunch hour to make sure they were spending their time productively...

this might eliminate a lot of the behavioural problems which children who aren't "school-ready" cause for their teachers and other children. They are then labelled for the rest of their education as "troublemakers"

I don’t much care if teachers are caused “trouble”, behaviour in children is a form of communication. While I agree fireball education should start later (and it does where I am), perhaps our starting point should be no labelling children in the first place.

Something like half of all children don't get the recommended minimum of 30 minutes a day of physical activity during school hours. Personally, I think this is too low and actually children should be a lot more active than this, but it's shocking that around half don't even get this minimum amount. I'm not naive enough to think all behavioural issues can be explained by lack of sufficient exercise, but it probably doesn't help.

@Jellycatspyjamas. I agree with you totally that "labelling" is wrong but unfortunately it is the reality. Both teachers and other parents do it.