Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

Well behaved kids get the reward of not being a tiny child with behaviour problems, likely arising from a shit life or a developmental condition.

I'm sure the teacher can give your child a sticker if you are unable to manage his expectations.

@magicgoldpot

I suppose it's the fact that ds was so excited about the stickers as it was something the teacher told them would happen the next week. Something exciting for them to look forward to.

I will buy a pack of stickers and if ds has been good all week I will let him choose one. I think a sticker from his teacher would mean more to him but I will still do it.

I was that child at school who was always good and kind of disappeared into the background. I was never praised in front of my class or in any assembly. I always remember we had to clap for Tom when he sat nicely all day and watch as he got rewarded for not hitting anyone at break time ( seriously) it just brings back shit memories really.

But your child is being praised. He may get more formal praise at some point, but you can't say he gets called "a star pupil" then suggest the teacher doesn't acknowledge him.

@GlummyMcGlummerson it sounds like OPs child is very “noticed” his mum has even noticed what another less able child gets and wants it for him too. That doesn’t mean he needs it, it means she WANTS it. The sticker owner is just making her jealous. It wouldn’t matter if Ben was academic (they favour the clever ones), had behavioural problems due to neglect/disability (they favour the naughty ones), was beige and nondescript (teachers pet), came from a rich family (teacher sucking up because Mummy’s a XYZ), or any other descriptive. Ben is always going to be wrong because he has the sticker and OPs lack of maturity, understanding and empathy are not only obviously shared by many they are being passed down to her child. Comparison IS the thief of joy.

@Torvean32
My dc's school has a similar system, but they are meant to give out at least 3 points a lesson to the quiet middle children, the children who always sit down and get on without a fuss.
Some teachers are more generous than others-may give out a point for every question answered out loud for example. Others are more sparing.
They also automatically get them for things like attendance, a "platinum report", going to a club regularly.
It seems to work fairly well. My dc normally choose to get an Amazon voucher with their points, but there are other things they can choose too.

My dd18 never got rewards or stickers either in school because she was well behaved and got on and did her work

She never found the work very easy she was bright but also had grief off the kids that were naughty that sat on her table or were in her class that constantly disrupted and picked on her..yep they had the rewards etc and my daughter didnt and it was so upsetting for her

However she had the last laugh, she really worked hard throughout school and college , just put her head down and got on with it and as a result was awarded a distinction star on her college course the highest in her year group, and won an award, a special mention on the college website and fb page and also they gave her 100 pounds in vouchers.

She did that herself and considering she was diagnosed with asd 2 years ago and her.life fell apart for a while shes done bloody well

Things like that do pay off some day, might take a while but when it does it means all the more.

It's so annoying. I get the point, trying to encourage good behaviour, but it discourages good behaviour in those who are always good since they get no thanks for it.

My child with behavioural challenges due to SEN goes to a school that heavily uses this reward process, and the mainstream primary they attended did too, and he never had an issue when other children got rewarded and he didn’t. He understood that you can’t always be the ‘winner’. That was probably a bigger lesson than the reward.

Teacher here. Cannot stand these rewards, don't use them. Steam comes out my ears at the thought as it is so bloody widespread. We certainly weren't advised to use these in training college.

I really dislike parents like you who have no idea what it’s like to have a child like ‘Ben’, and whose biggest schooling concern is whether their child has a sticker or not.

I have a ‘Ben’. He gets lots of stickers. He was also ‘invited’ to leave his private prep school at just three years old. And then, subsequent years of behavioural issues at his state primary. He’s 7 now and we’re still not through the process of an ASD diagnosis yet; waiting times were around 18 months pre-Covid. It’s been slightly stressful. I panic every time I get phone call from the school, hoping that I don’t need to collect him for poor behaviour. I wish that I only had to worry about him feeling disappointed about not having a sticker. Buy a pack yourself If it’s that much of an issue.

You'll need to get used to this as it continues all through school, (along with the same kids being picked for all the lead roles and school pics in the paper etc)

I was a reception helper and was amazed at how the loudest/ naughtiest kids were rewarded, whilst the quieter, well behaved middle were ignored. In fact I'd struggle to remember some names because I heard them so little.

My Dd told me (years later) in yr3 she deliberately did badly on a few tests and then did well so she could get a standing round of applause like another girl received every time ...she didn't!

My eldest is the most well behaved, does what he's told child.

My youngest, whilst not mean, does have issues paying attention and listening, never in big trouble but photograph will be moved to the cloud kind of stuff!. My youngest has come home with more stars and certificates etc to reward him when he's good, it's reinforcing the good behaviour, it's not rocket science is it!

My eldest is very happy and tends to be rewarded in other ways (responsibilities like school council) so I've never felt he wasn't paid attention to, different children need supporting in different ways.

I think the rewards can be very divisive. The children rapidly work out that they are given to the "naughty" children which creates a further stigma. It's the quiet, middling children that miss out every time. It's upsetting for them at primary school but in the long run probably prepares them for adult life much better.

"Rewarding ‘Ben’ for the smallest ‘good’ things should’ve been done by his parents when he was tiny. Then there is a good chance he’d already be a well behaved boy".

Wearywithteens I used to think like this. My oldest child has always been very well behaved and I thought it was all due to my parenting. I am less smug now that I have a "Ben". He has ADHD and ASD and it took until he was eight to get a diagnosis, then a couple more years to get him on the right medication.

Parenting a child with these issues is incredibly hard, relentless and usually involves very little sleep and constant vigilance to keep them physically safe. I was very aware of the judgement from parents like you thinking I'm just a bad parent.

Funnily enough teachers can instantly pinpoint the well behaved children when they want to use them as buffer zones to absob the bad behaviour of others so they know there are there, they are just ignored until it's of benefit to someone.

So either your behaviour and effort is completely ignored or you are rewarded by having stuff thrown avkut and forced to work on your lap as no one will let u use the desk.

This is the saddest part for me. DD2 was always put with the violent boy because she didn't react and retaliate when he hit like other in the class did. When he punched her in the arm to illicit a response she would just sadly say, "Ow!" Rub her arm and put her head down and carry on. This would stop the boy's bad behaviour for a while because it wasn't working. (This was witnessed by me personally). I watched him push her into walls when they were made to partner up and hold hands walking to the swimming pool each week.
Her work book had scribbles over her own work that he had done.

It broke my heart. The boy could have had a million problems that weren't his fault and I understand that, but my DD bore the brunt of it that year (until I told her teacher that I didn't care if it made her job harder, my kid wasn't a punching bag to calm this kid!). Thankfully her following teachers didn't take the same stance and she was able to distance herself from him anyway.

Well behaved kids get the reward of not being a tiny child with behaviour problems, likely arising from a shit life or a developmental condition

Again,.you have no idea what is going on in any of the kids lives. Being able to hold it together in a classroom doesn't mean they arent going home to an abusive dad or a cold house or growing up in Foster care or a sick mum.

It really is like SoVery says if they arent struggling in the right way no ones interested.

I watched him push her into walls when they were made to partner up and hold hands walking to the swimming pool each week

This is the other thing that pisses me off. How they can spot a square of chocolate in a lunch box or a tiny uniform violation within seconds from any room in the school even facing the opposite direction.

Yet no one seemingly spots kids being hit ,pushed, shoved , having work destroyed etc in the classroom under their noses.

I mean which it it. Classrooms are so small there isn't room for them to have ruck sacks or large pencil cases or they are like some never ending black hole where nothing is ever seen or heard and stolen equipment disappears into the void never to be seen again ?

When you have a quiet, well behaved kid who is no trouble for the teacher sometimes they only get noticed for Star of the Week once a year where as the Bens of the world are rewarded more than that.

My kids have been in classes with kids who have behavioural issues. They might not win behaviour awards but they might win prizes for a good piece of work, kindness to a friend, representing the school in a sport match etc as they have a different set of strengths.

OP has to get used to the Bens of the world getting lots more rewards and recognition at school because he shows his issues in the "right" kind of way. If Ben was able to hold it together at school but exploded at home, school probably wouldn't be helping (experience)

The issue isn't Ben getting rewards. It's the quiet children's achievements and behaviour not being remembered unless they need a child to be a buffer zone and put up with distracting behaviour. I suspect mine was picked because they were likely to make the least fuss and grit their teeth longer.

OP have you considered donating a tone if stickers to your teacher? She probably bought them out of her own wages so may not want to hand out 30 each time.

Yet no one seemingly spots kids being hit ,pushed, shoved , having work destroyed etc in the classroom under their noses

My ds was strangled and adults only realised when the other kids started shouting for help. (Note : it was unprovoked and the punishment was missing one break)

@farmfreshmilk

Bane of, not babe if, but you get what I mean....

Was about to ask you ok hun? Gutted it was a typo!

Some children need more support to manage their behaviour than others.There's not a limited amount of praise to go around.

I put on positive behaviour points every lesson for all my students who have worked well.
I might also write a note in Child A's planner telling home they had a great lesson. A positive note home for Child A makes a massive difference and means their parents get to hear something nice instead of lots of teachers ringing about bad behaviour.

Somehow I doubt anyone complaining about a sticker and a note in A's planner would want to trade places with A's parents and be in school regularly for meetings with teachers, heads of year and senior leadership. I doubt they'd not want almost daily negative updates.

Or course, I might be wrong. Maybe they would rather swap the praise and nice comments at the end of every day for a couple of stickers and 75% negative contact from school. 🤷‍♀️

My kids and their friends are "over it" by y3/4. They work out that it's a sham way before that age and that they just have to wait their turn to get recognised. In secondary they care even less unless it's a detention that cuts into their free time.

There's a limited amount of praise to go around.
Why?!

Thisismytimetoshine
I said there is NOT a limited amount of praise to go around.

I don't think anyone is complaining about the Bens of this world getting the rewards.
What they are saying is that there is a forgotten middle. This forgotten middle can just be overlooked the whole time.
They're then left in the chasm of "I can never match up to the 'good' ones" and "I don't behave like that."

As I said earlier, my dd1 and her friends had a serious conversation in year 1 about whether it was worth being naughty to get a reward. That's how seriously the dc take it, and we do them no favours by assuming they don't notice.
That's not saying they mind that Ben gets it for not pushing anyone all day, but what they do mind is that it doesn't seem to be recognised when they do their best.
Yes, teachers are normal people, and won't always see that extra effort, but it does effect the children who feel they can never do enough.
Perhaps the teacher should, once a week just stop and look at the children going out of the door and ask themselves. Why do they have no stickers? Was there nothing they did today that could have been rewarded? And if they can't actually think of anything the child did good or bad, look for something good the next day. A simple "oh, you've worked hard/looked after your friend/sat beautifully on the mat," and a sticker would just make the difference to how they feel about it, and would take very little time.

I have 3 dc. They're fairly even academically, but their behaviour is very different.
DD1: very keen to always work hard, will redo her work if she isn't happy with the standard, always happy to help, and will often do things without being asked, and would always put herself forward.
DD2: (who also has a physical disability) does her work without being asked, but at times just enough to get away with it. Will help if asked, but tends not to put herself forward.
Ds: Currently being assessed for ASD and ADHD. Works only when has to, can be a smart alec and is the one I dread a phone call from school. Would only put himself forward for anything if it got him out of school work.

At primary level dd1 and ds got the stickers and the rewards and chosen to do things-despite ds hating stickers, they still came.
DD2 was the one that I'd end up drop a note into the teacher on the penultimate week of year saying that she hadn't had a reward all year (on the ones which were very clearly everyone got). Half the time I'd get a note back saying that "of course she had". She hadn't.

Actually she found it very demoralising, and the other two did not find it especially motivating. I think part of her "just doing enough to get by" is that when she did put in a huge amount of effort, the teachers never showed that they noticed.

Ds's behaviour and attitude improved about year 5, and the rewards then stopped.
He commented one time "I'm not good enough to get them for being good, and I'm not bad enough to get them for not being as bad".
I don't think it bothers him especially, but there are a lot of children it does bother, especially in the yearly years.

@LolaSmiles

Thisismytimetoshine I said there is NOT a limited amount of praise to go around.

You didn’t but I’m guessing it was a typo.