Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

@Luckystar1. I was just thinking that... Not sure what conclusion we should draw from it, though? That we societally condition boys from infancy to be worse behaved and let them get away with more as parents? Or that the present education system just doesn't work for a lot of boys in the same way as it works for girls? These seem like lazy stereotypes, but it would be really interesting to do a poll of teachers asking them, of the "problem" children in their classrooms, what % are girls and what % are boys.

You actually need me to explain this?
Just for clarification - The DC could have issues that cause then to behave ‘naughty’. They could have ADHD, or ASD and feel overwhelmed in away that most DC don’t

Which has nothing to do with why teachers can't recognise good behaviour and achievement in other children instead of ignoring them until of course they need something

Always always the way. Really annoys me.

@Minimumstandard I don’t know tbh. I personally have never bought into the whole ‘boys will be boys’ thing for my son, but he and his little friends are infinitely more boisterous than the girls in his class. You can see it a mile away the moment they are ‘released’.

I also have a daughter. She already gets on far better at school than her brother, as she is much more willing to sit still and be quiet and she wants to please the teacher.

I don’t know the solution, but this thread shows that even anecdotally there is a ‘problem’.

I’m also interested to know if male teachers have as many ‘naughty’ boys as female teachers.

I only wonder as I find my son’s behaviour a lot more difficult than my husband does. He recalls being ‘just like’ our son at that age.

[quote TableFlowerss]@Thisismytimetoshine

You actually need me to explain this?
Just for clarification - The DC could have issues that cause then to behave ‘naughty’. They could have ADHD, or ASD and feel overwhelmed in away that most DC don’t.

They nat not simply be ‘naughty’ but OP wouldn’t know this so she has to consider there’s perhaps more going on than meets the eye.

That’s my point.....[/quote]
No, dear, I didn't need that clarification at all, thanks anyway.
It doesn't explain why the odd sticker couldn't be directed towards kids without additional needs, which is the question op asked.

@Whatwouldscullydo

*You actually need me to explain this? Just for clarification - The DC could have issues that cause then to behave ‘naughty’. They could have ADHD, or ASD and feel overwhelmed in away that most DC don’t*

Which has nothing to do with why teachers can't recognise good behaviour and achievement in other children instead of ignoring them until of course they need something

But like others have said, it’s positive reinforcement.

It’s crap as the good ones generally do get left to it and not rewarded in the same way, but parents will be able to explain to their DC that some children find things much more difficult than others.

Also there will be an expectation that non SEN children will behave a certain way and that they don’t need awards for standing still, being quiet, finishing their work as that’s the expectation for them. The DC with SEN will struggle in ways other DC won’t.

Oh yes this. Nautghty disruptive children always get more attention from teachers and it continues into secondary school where teachers have to spend so much time on their behaviour. I wish there was schools or own classes for disruptive children!

[quote Itisbetter]@SoVeryLost I’m sorry I don’t know the back story to your post but it is likely other children have a considerable way to go before they could do anywhere near as well as your child. Why does that upset you? It seems you are running through the same emotions ascribed to these children. All children should receive the support they need to do the best that they can. Their best should be celebrated with equal joy and admiration whatever their level of attainment.

It is very possible to do this if you stop comparing to anyone but yourself. Have I tried? Have I done better than I hoped? Not, did you try harder than sally, were you top of the class?[/quote]
So you do believe children should struggle in the right way. I’m not comparing myself to others. DS is comparing the fact he got told off for touching a piece of paper and lost his lunchtime and another child throws a chair yet was outside playing. Did he deserve a consequence, yes. Does the other child deserve a consequence, also yes it’s irrelevant that they then sat down or whatever else. DS had no way to earn back his lunchtime as “he should know better”.

It doesn’t upset me that children are rewarded for sitting still for 20 seconds. It upsets my DS that he doesn’t feel like he is good enough and therefore upsets me. I have to deal with the fall out, it isn’t just me one of his friends mums has also noticed the disparity in treatment her DD is a lot more stoic than DS.

I’d have thought you’d have realise by now but my DS has ASD and wants to follow the rules. He doesn’t understand why people don’t have to follow the rules and constantly asks what he has done wrong. His struggle obviously isn’t hard enough for you...

No, dear, I didn't need that clarification at all, thanks anyway.
It doesn't explain why the odd sticker couldn't be directed towards kids without additional needs, which is the question op asked

@Thisismytimetoshine

They’ve only been at school about 2 weeks! He’s in reception and maybe just maybe little Ben isn’t getting anywhere near as many stickers as OP thinks!!

Then adjust the rewards sureky? If you can differentiate down you can differentiate up aswell.

Might be an idea before you start expecting kids you ignore 99 percent of the time to give up their beak times to play with kids/supervise kids having difficulties at play time , and be a buffer zone kid.

Otherwise all you are teaching them.is to he doormats

As an ex-teacher I once had a rather heated debate with the headteacher. Basically a boy came in with a spear (yes really) and started prodding other children in the classroom with it. This was a Y2 class. This boy was sent to the headteacher. 30 minutes later he was back in the classroom collecting names for the headteachers star pupils Friday lunch. He claimed that the HT had advised that I was to put his name down and to also reward him with a sticker for good behaviour. I couldn't do it. I also thought he was playing me. I reminded him that I needed to see good behaviour in the classroom and until I saw it, then my answer was no. Thinking that was the end of it, the HT called me aside at break time and asked if I had nominated him and given him stickers. I told her I hadn't. She then said that these were and I quote "damaged children who needed to be wrapped up in cotton wool!" I couldn't have disagreed with her more. She even got me to sign a contract with one parent that I wouldn't "discipline" her child for poor behaviour. Needless to say, I didn't stay at that school as I didn't agree with the views of the HT.

@Whatwouldscullydo

Then adjust the rewards sureky? If you can differentiate down you can differentiate up aswell.

Might be an idea before you start expecting kids you ignore 99 percent of the time to give up their beak times to play with kids/supervise kids having difficulties at play time , and be a buffer zone kid.

Otherwise all you are teaching them.is to he doormats

I don’t disagree with you in that respect. All DC should be recognised for their efforts.

What I had an issue with was OP assuming the child was naughty. She has no idea what’s going on. Yes I agree though, other children shouldn’t be left out if that’s what’s happening.

@Whatwouldscullydo like I mentioned upthread differentiating up is not a thing. It barely happens in school. I ask every time I view a school and get the look. Inclusion and SEN should take into account children who require extra work not just those who struggle with education but I’ve only spoken to one educationalist who agrees.
What many of the parents on this thread miss is exactly that point exceptions are made for those who struggle only in the accepted way. Many children struggle with the teachers behaviour management, being sat next to a ‘naughty’ child if you are a timid child could mean you don’t learn anything for all the time they are there as they suck up the attention. Yet all that matters is that the child that is loud is struggling.

@mabelandivy

As an ex-teacher I once had a rather heated debate with the headteacher. Basically a boy came in with a spear (yes really) and started prodding other children in the classroom with it. This was a Y2 class. This boy was sent to the headteacher. 30 minutes later he was back in the classroom collecting names for the headteachers star pupils Friday lunch. He claimed that the HT had advised that I was to put his name down and to also reward him with a sticker for good behaviour. I couldn't do it. I also thought he was playing me. I reminded him that I needed to see good behaviour in the classroom and until I saw it, then my answer was no. Thinking that was the end of it, the HT called me aside at break time and asked if I had nominated him and given him stickers. I told her I hadn't. She then said that these were and I quote "damaged children who needed to be wrapped up in cotton wool!" I couldn't have disagreed with her more. She even got me to sign a contract with one parent that I wouldn't "discipline" her child for poor behaviour. Needless to say, I didn't stay at that school as I didn't agree with the views of the HT.

That was one piss poor teacher. Even worse that she was the Head.

Just explain that if Ben gets stickers for not kicking people he is less likely to do it. Which means less chance of you child being kicked. Kinda benefits everyone and probably better than getting a sticker. The teacher may also have realised if they tell you he has been good you will reward your kid, the sticker may be the only reward that other child gets. Or move to an independent school where teachers have more time and resources to reward all kids appropriately :-)

@mabelandivy

As an ex-teacher I once had a rather heated debate with the headteacher. Basically a boy came in with a spear (yes really) and started prodding other children in the classroom with it. This was a Y2 class. This boy was sent to the headteacher. 30 minutes later he was back in the classroom collecting names for the headteachers star pupils Friday lunch. He claimed that the HT had advised that I was to put his name down and to also reward him with a sticker for good behaviour. I couldn't do it. I also thought he was playing me. I reminded him that I needed to see good behaviour in the classroom and until I saw it, then my answer was no. Thinking that was the end of it, the HT called me aside at break time and asked if I had nominated him and given him stickers. I told her I hadn't. She then said that these were and I quote "damaged children who needed to be wrapped up in cotton wool!" I couldn't have disagreed with her more. She even got me to sign a contract with one parent that I wouldn't "discipline" her child for poor behaviour. Needless to say, I didn't stay at that school as I didn't agree with the views of the HT.

That is so similar to my experience except I was a senior school teacher. You’ll have parents on here bashing you for not understanding differentiation soon.

This is how it is. He's got years of this kind of bullshit to go

It's only week 2 or 3 of Reception so too early to worry yet. If 2 kids a week are Star of The Week, it could be 15 weeks before he gets chosen.

You need to explain to him that not getting Star of The Week doesn't mean he's been bad that week. Once he understands that someone being singled out for praise doesn't mean he's not a star too, it will help him learn.

I would buy my own stickers/treats if he's had a good week.

Yes dd had a nightmare in yr 5. Being sat with certain kids all the time. What with being quiet and well behaved she was on the "rota*

Then the teacher would get pissed off with her for asking questions as he had already explained but the kid she was sat with deliberately kept moving so she couldn't see. At times she had virtually no desk as the kids would "manspread" and not even leave her space for the pencil Case.

So of course she stopped asking questions and my child went from being one that every teacher had praised both her behaviour and her work to one who couldn't appear to get anything right. Yr 6 she got sat next to a different kid who was annoying but not quite so bad, all of a sudden shes back up in the top sets.

Course the yr 5 teacher picked her fir the sports stuff made him look good when the girls team did well. But he didn't give a shit she was being stopped from doing her work and he'd already made sure she'd keep her mouth shut about the kids next to her.

@SoVeryLost no of course I didn’t “guess” your son had asd! Did you guess mine does? I’m not entering into a “who has the most experience of autism” nonsense. It must be patently obvious to anyone that it’s a condition with a vast spectrum of abilities and outcomes and to suggest that all of those effected require or need the same level of support is ludicrous.

That said if the paper touching/chair throwing difference can’t be explained to your son then it IS worth highlighting it with school in writing as a paper trail is extremely helpful if he is going to need a more specialist setting for secondary, and also because staff may genuinely not know he needs that level of support.

I had an argument with my child’s primary school when my extremely well behaved DD was used to babysit the naughty kids. This stopped her learning and she was getting stressed by trying to manage their behaviour. The reasoning was they could learn from her example. I think not, it’s their parents/teachers job and my 10 year old child’s. Also my son who struggles a bit a school was removed from class to help another child as he was good at sharing and would help the other child in a maths game. It’s not fair that we’ll behaved children get held back.

Or move to an independent school where teachers have more time and resources to reward all kids appropriately this is not good advice

Just give your own child a treat and tell them it’s because they’ve been working really hard.
(I did this, actually because I bought too many birthday presents)

I made DD a treat bag once after she was desperate to get the 100% treat bag at the end of the year. She even insisted on going to school once when she really wasn’t well enough.
She then had a hospital appointment 50 miles away and we had to miss a whole day of school to get there and she lost the 100%.
They did give some bags to children who had improved their attendance though as they had ‘too many’. Next time she was really ill she didn’t drag herself in.

I remember this well. Our school had reward “money” that could be traded in for prizes. They made a big deal out of the program. Well-behaved students never earned any, and I mean literally any. It was a horrible system.

Many children struggle with the teachers behaviour management, being sat next to a ‘naughty’ child if you are a timid child could mean you don’t learn anything for all the time they are there as they suck up the attention.

This happened to a friend's child, she went in and had a very strong word. It doesn't happen any more. Our school is extremely good at working with the differing needs of children, although some individual teachers can struggle with some individual children.

As to boys and girls - we have one of each - in fact the only chair thrower was a girl. I will say though, it's rare that the girl goes for other children in the same way the boys do - she destroys her own work, or sits and refuses to do her work, whereas the boys destroy other kids work, or disrupt the class. I hadn't really thought about it, but even when stressed and struggling, she's still more self-contained.