Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

It is irritating. A boy I went to school with actually learned that he could get the rewards (which were vouchers for our tuck shop) by behaving badly to a teacher and then going to apologise sweetly, or doing a really good piece of work. And it worked for him! I think I only got tuck vouchers twice the whole time, because I was never on the teachers' radar for needing to improve.

@Triangularbubble you sum it up so well with a ‘Ben’ type child, the seemingly smallest things for one child can be a massive achievement for others.

So you only care about those who struggle in the right way? no.

Haven’t read all the comments but this is just like a boy in the school where I work. The other kids ask why he gets to do fun stuff when he’s badly behaved in class while they work.
I tell them they’re actually getting an education and will do well in life, he’ll get a GCSE in colouring in and scooting round the playground. He’s just wasting his life dicking about.

I don't think teachers can win here, really.

My eldest two are chalk and cheese. The first is very much one of the 'naughty' children. A real management problem. Never out of trouble, now firmly out of mainstream, an absolute ballache to parent and a horror to try and educate. The second is his polar opposite. Never in trouble for more than talking in class (and that was once in 5 years). Always doing well academically. Always commended on his behaviour. Likes and observes rules. My second is expected to behave well, my first is rewarded if he manages not to behave too badly. In fact his current placement probably seems like a reward of sorts- but it is an essential, without it he would be totally out of any form of education, with all the risks and repercussions that brings. My second does not need the motivation of reward to behave appropriately, he behaves appropriately because he knows he should, because he does not like to cause trouble, but he is at least as deserving of reward for consistent stellar behaviour as his brother is of reward for the times he manages not to behave appallingly. My first does need the rewards as part of his endlessly updated and complex behavioural management plan, but is not so deserving, really, until you consider that with the conditions he has, refraining from hitting someone who has called him a name takes enormous effort and self control and is a very big deal- it takes more effort for him to self regulate than it does for children without all his issues.

Idk. Children who always do their best should be rewarded for it. Children who struggle to do their best should be rewarded when they do it. It's not as simple as it seems at all.

@GroupSects please dont tell me you actually say that about the boy to other students....

I tell them they’re actually getting an education and will do well in life, he’ll get a GCSE in colouring in and scooting round the playground. He’s just wasting his life dicking about.. Revolting

I'm on both sides of this. Two of my children are very well behaved. The other is not. He has SEN. He is "the naughty boy" that your children might talk about. Except they wouldn't know he has SEN and neither would you. I would like all children to be rewarded equally. My very well behaved children deserve recognition too. But the other one needs constant encouragement to stay on track and rewards do help. So I can see why the teachers do it and why it seems unfair.

@Itisbetter

So you only care about those who struggle in the right way? no.

I’m saying my DS is struggling with his self esteem but holds it together at school. You want me to think about the other children, I do, but that isn’t helping my son. It is unfair that he is struggling and doesn’t have his ‘good’ behaviour recognised. I’ve said before when I talk to the school I talk about him not about other children, not because I don’t care but it’s not my business what struggles they have. It is my business that my DS is slowly becoming withdrawn from education in part due to the message that he will never be good enough to be rewarded but will be punished for touching the paper in front of him (this did actually happen), he lost his lunchtime due to this. Why isn’t he allowed to slip up? If he wasn’t supposed to touch the paper in front of him fine, there should be a consequence but if a child throws a chair around the room and doesn’t lose their lunchtime he will compare and conclude it’s unfair and further to that it affects his self esteem.

It is a problem that there are children that are invisible to the reward system. It makes their consequences seem a lot harsher.

@GroupSects

Haven’t read all the comments but this is just like a boy in the school where I work. The other kids ask why he gets to do fun stuff when he’s badly behaved in class while they work. I tell them they’re actually getting an education and will do well in life, he’ll get a GCSE in colouring in and scooting round the playground. He’s just wasting his life dicking about.

If you genuinely said that then you shouldn’t be working in a school

I think it's quite poor practice.

Most teachers try to ensure every child gets a star or sticker at some point every term but I don't like them being used to reward "less annoying than usual" behaviour.

They have to be earned or they have no value.

I've had this from both sides. First DC was autistic & dyslexic which wasn't diagnosed until year 4, so plenty of struggles with the school and trying to get him extra help. Definitely not a naughty child and the teachers reassured me of that. However DC1 really struggled with concentrating and fidgeting. Stickers & awards were a big incentive and played a real part of encouraging them.
DC2 was the complete opposite, very studious, academically inclined, loved learning, always paid attention, well behaved & excellent manners. DC2 never got any awards and was well aware that the "naughty" child always did. She was upset and ended up in tears one day so I brought it up with the school and they completely agreed and said that they felt the same. Luckily they took it all onboard as I wasn't the only parent to bring it up and started doing what they called
The "ALWAYS" award. This was specifically for children who always tried to do their best!! It really helped to address the imbalance and DC2 felt that at last her efforts were being recognised! Maybe it's something that all schools should adopt.

I think there is a gendered aspect to this too. My poor DD at 7 had to sit next to a boy and 'help him with his lessons'. Despite him kicking and punching her. I don't think rewarding him for not kicking her, with her just being expected to deal with it and help him again straight afterwards, teaches anyone good things.

Girls - put up with male violence and be grateful for the days he doesn't thump you...

This is why we put her into an all girls school.

@pheonixrebirth I like the always award! That's a great solution...

I don't buy into the "the good kids don't need an incentive to behave" malarkey, tbh.
If good listening is award worthy, why can't the well behaved ones also get one occasionally? It wouldn't detract from the usually naughty kid who's got one as well? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Heard my very grand friend say to her son in this exact scenario “we don’t need external validation in our family darling” - love it!

@Groundhogdayzz

Totally get this as it’s how I felt at school. However, now I have one child who struggles and the other who finds school easy, and believe me, the child that struggles at school really needs this, something positive and a boost to self esteem. My child who is academic and finds school easy doesn’t need to be recognised as there are plenty of opportunities (reading in assembly, work displayed on walls, academic awards) where she shines and gets recognition.

Yes mine two are the same, the eldest as you say has her work on display, featured in the newsletter, speaking parts in the play, school council etc. Lots of chance to shine.

My youngest is delighted when he receives awards and it really motivates him - it’s always for effort rather than achievement ! He also adores little incentives from his teacher , stickers, a very cheap little toy (bouncy ball or similar). It’s really helped with his motivation to sit and listen on the carpet etc. I wonder now if other parents are hearing complaints from their kids re this 🙈

@SoVeryLost I’m sorry I don’t know the back story to your post but it is likely other children have a considerable way to go before they could do anywhere near as well as your child. Why does that upset you? It seems you are running through the same emotions ascribed to these children. All children should receive the support they need to do the best that they can. Their best should be celebrated with equal joy and admiration whatever their level of attainment.

It is very possible to do this if you stop comparing to anyone but yourself. Have I tried? Have I done better than I hoped? Not, did you try harder than sally, were you top of the class?

@MsTSwift

Heard my very grand friend say to her son in this exact scenario “we don’t need external validation in our family darling” - love it!

That's class, alright

For all you know ‘Ben’ could have special needs!!

My DS is ASD and in mainstream, he definitely responds better to a carrot than a stick and is motivated by incentives.
He needs a lot of additional support and gets into bother for behaviour that is related to his condition. Just attending school for kids with kids with needs is so difficult. i guess it is positive discrimination in some form

The teacher (who knows him) obviously thinks that he needs stickers, what she doesn’t know is OP needs them too. Ask her to stick one on at pick up OP.

Isn’t it interesting that in the vast majority of these examples (given by PPs) the ‘naughty’ child seems to be a boy and the ‘good’ children seem to be girls...?

@TableFlowerss

For all you know ‘Ben’ could have special needs!!

Your point is??

@Thisismytimetoshine

You actually need me to explain this?
Just for clarification - The DC could have issues that cause then to behave ‘naughty’. They could have ADHD, or ASD and feel overwhelmed in away that most DC don’t.

They nat not simply be ‘naughty’ but OP wouldn’t know this so she has to consider there’s perhaps more going on than meets the eye.

That’s my point.....