Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

I find this sort of stuff follows them into secondary school aswell.

My brother was a horror, misbehaved, violet, mouthy and just awful and by year 9 completely refused to go to school. They offered residential trips and special days out for the 'naughty kids'. My brother eventually at age 15 was offered a place in college to do his mandatory GCSE subjects alongside a college course and as an incentive...he was provided dinner money by the college and extra money from my mom. I understand why they did it but it was demoralising for me knowing that I was well behaved, respectful and was working hard for my GCSE's but didn't receive any praise and went to school with a packed lunch and £1 for the bus. When I passed my exams I just got a 'well done' but whenever he did something it was always over the top priase 'oh he is going to do so well in life'.

I think that praise for good behaviour is very important but I think that generally well behaved children should get some recognition to keep it fair!

I feel for you and your dc. It takes my back to my DD’s primary school days where the little monster who reduced her to tears day after day was showered with awards. So many parents trekked in to complain about her bullying to no effect (turned out her mum was besties with the junior school head who swore blind to me that there was no record of any complaints, including no letter that I had written and hand delivered). I don’t follow teacher logic on this at all. Child is now 20 and still a total monster, but now her old victims can see her for what she’s always been, a mean, manipulative, nasty piece of work that they can now laugh at rather than being hurt by.

@Mercedes519

Quite *@BeingATwatItsABingThing* this leapt out at me too.

Both mine were very well behaved, because I had always instilled good manners and behaviour.

There is always one. Sigh. We have instituted a smug pinch in our house for such self-delusion. Those judgy pants must be cutting off your circulation.

I had the disruptive child and I have the well behaved child. Some upbringing, same manners. Different children with different needs and challenges.

I would say though that it doesn’t have to be like that. Our school does a points system which both my kids are motivated by. Both have received awards, stickers etc. My ‘good’ child has received a higher level which would reflect her behaviour and motivation in class. However by the end of the school year everyone has something.

The system can work if the teacher has an appropriate level of rewards.

Sorry but I've always found that parents who act like I'm in the wrong for suggesting manners and behaviour are easy to instill are those who will argue they've tried that and then blame everything else for their child's behaviour.

Have you ever thought how these behaviour issues impact on other children's ability to learn? How disruptive kids are just that, disruptive and mean yet again, a child like my DD who struggled with maths often didn't get on a radar for additional help because yet again they were too busy with the behaviour of another child?

For years DD was just plodding along, her issues with maths not being picked up. Constantly being ignored. All because that child I mentioned was having episodes of swearing and leaving the class or hitting a kid or a teacher. It's frustrating as hell for a parent who has a child who comes home upset again.

Just think what you have achieved in life OP, time to let go of childhood injustices

You’ve probably done better than “Tom”

@Chemenger

I feel for you and your dc. It takes my back to my DD’s primary school days where the little monster who reduced her to tears day after day was showered with awards. So many parents trekked in to complain about her bullying to no effect (turned out her mum was besties with the junior school head who swore blind to me that there was no record of any complaints, including no letter that I had written and hand delivered). I don’t follow teacher logic on this at all. Child is now 20 and still a total monster, but now her old victims can see her for what she’s always been, a mean, manipulative, nasty piece of work that they can now laugh at rather than being hurt by.

Be warned that the moral high ground are going to have an issue with your comments as they have with mine. Apparently we are meant to turn a blind eye to the upset these individuals cause and the educational effect too.

Rewards should be given based on what is an achievement for that student. You can’t apply a one size fits all approach.

Ds is autistic, he wasn’t diagnosed when he started primary school but that didn’t make him any less autistic. When school realised that he needed extra support and different methods to be used they did. Sometimes that included him getting stickers for doing things that other find easy because for him it was an achievement.

My DS is the "naughty" child...
Sadly he worked out the reward system by year one! So he had days when he would tell me what he would do to get the reward/ sticker 😲!!
Obviously we discussed behaviour in school and how we can be less disruptive. I also raised the issue with the teachers, luckily they are understanding and supportive.
But I believe it's 5 points to DS teachers none!! 😆

I remember this from primary school 25 years ago... whenever 'josh' had managed not to throw a tantrum/rip up anyone's work etc we all had to sit around him at the end of the day and watch as the teachers praised him and we all had to agree, yes what a good boy josh is then we were all dismissed. I was mature enough to understand why they were doing it but it was the start of my being in the 'forgotten middle' at school.

Continued throughout secondary - sat next to the class clown so they'd benefit from my 'calming attitude', being asked by a teacher (in front of my friend) if friend could borrow my homework because she hadn't done hers and maybe reading mine would help her. Of course it wasn't that she couldn't be bothered to do said homework.

My little one is a few years from school but if i can teach him anything before he gets there it's to not be a complete pushover/wallflower like I was. Just because teachers are adults doesn't mean that your own feelings and opinions need to be dulled to keep everyone else happy all the time.

Yep my 2 DD are both well behaved. They hardly got a thing. Literally she was 4 years in junior school and only got the head teachers cup during last 3 weeks before she left for secondary school.

@toria658 but we do get rewarded as adults we get no claims bonuses on our insurance if we don't cause an accident. We also get rewarded socially through friendships and financially through our jobs. There are many ways we are rewarded in our adult life
@LadyofTheManners what do you suggest teachers do. If you dont agree with a reward system but dont want them disrupting others? I think teachers are trying to help curb this behaviour by encouraging the good which is proven to work more effectively than punishment

I have one of each type of child so I can see both sides.

DC1 is very studious and always tried to get the approval of teachers. They were constantly overlooked for awards and this crushed them at times.

DC2 is very easily led and has struggled in the school system. They are not violent but definitely silly and non compliant. They couldn't care less about stickers and awards.

I don't know what the solution is. The education system doesn't work for everyone. I am sure a lot of "naughty" children boys would flourish in a more hands on practical setting. But stickers and awards do nothing in my experience for a bored child. We had better results by working with the teacher. They would report any silly behaviour and we would take away screen time and we would plan trips for good behaviour.

I should also add that DC1 has always been rewarded at home for hard work.

I know exactly how you feel OP. My 2 DC hardly ever got the hallowed ‘golden sticker’ in primary because they were average, well behaved kids. The disruptive, naughty ones came out plastered in them, as did the exceptionally bright, confident ones. Even now at secondary it’s the same kids getting the awards.

It’s v frustrating but hopefully kids like ours will grow up with a better understanding of the way the world works and will work hard for their own rewards rather than needing constant validation from others.

Perhaps we should bring back caning and whipping for the badly behaved DCs and then people on here will be happy???

I work with young offenders (the older version of "Ben" and kids like this). I see 16 year old "criminals" literally squirm with happiness at the smallest bit of praise because they have never been praised or told they were worth anything.

Positive reinforcement works and anyone who begrudges a bloody sticker to a troubled little boy from a possibly troubled home needs to have a word with themselves.

I rejected a secondary school for DD based on their use of this system as I suffered it in mine. I spent virtually my whole secondary school time turning up in correct uniform, on time, homework done, participating in class and the teachers barely knew my name. The girl who once turned up to school with a hammer to settle a score got a shout out in assembly for turning up 5 days in a row.

I see your point. Looking at the situation through a child's eyes, a badly behaved child getting a sticker 'just for' behaving is an injustice.

But as an adult I recognise, firstly, that some children find school and behaving in class easier than others and, secondly, some of the 'problem' children may not be NT or may come from chaotic and disorganised homes or are not adequately parented. Given that the lack of a stable home environment is likely to cause long-term damage to these children's life chances, it's hard to begrudge them a sticker if it might help engage and motivate them at a crucial point in their education. Your child has you, they don't need stickers.

[quote babbafett]@toria658 but we do get rewarded as adults we get no claims bonuses on our insurance if we don't cause an accident. We also get rewarded socially through friendships and financially through our jobs. There are many ways we are rewarded in our adult life
@LadyofTheManners what do you suggest teachers do. If you dont agree with a reward system but dont want them disrupting others? I think teachers are trying to help curb this behaviour by encouraging the good which is proven to work more effectively than punishment[/quote]
Personally I think it's very obvious what the solution is.

Those who behave should be rewarded and those who don't shouldn't.

I've had situations where one child has misbehaved and that child has been punished, even now, bad behaviour like not doing homework or being rude to me or their dad, or being sloppy about their rooms will result in levels of punishments. We start small with no TV time or removal of gaming passwords, then if it continues its early bedtime, no treat after dinner on the weekend, no later bedtime on the weekend. I've gone so far as one time when DS was brought home by me from a local restaurant we had taken them to for lunch, he was angry so he threw something at me over the staircase and it smacked me in the face hard enough to knock my glasses off. Not only did he miss his mates party the next day, we removed his playstation for a month.
I don't and have never smacked either of my children and never would.
I do believe though that if the disruptive child sees well behaved children being praised as highly as some naughty kids are it will eventually mean they watch the pattern of behaviour that leads to praise and copy it.
By giving praise that isn't deserved to a badly behaved child, you disillusion the well behaved kids and the disruptive kid learns that praise comes easy for them and they can do the bare minimum compared to others and be praised more than them.

Both my ds were very well behaved in school and when my eldest was 7 he asked this question , we were near the end of the year and he hadn't got child of week or stars etc and asked me why some of the naughty children had had it twice
I spoke to head teacher who tried to deny the good children were often forgotten , until i told him this had been said by my 7 year old not me as i had no idea who was getting what.
Yes i appreciate one child might get a sticker for a good day for them or behaviour they don't usually do as well in but then they have a good day
But then reward the well behaved kids as well , surely if other children see kids being rewarded for good behaviour as well they will want to copy in order to get a stickeR
My ds was really disheartened by it and was a very shy unconfident child who a sticker etc would of helped with his confidence , just because his behaviour was good didn't mean he didn't need acknowledging for his behaviour for his confidence issues

@Pikachubaby

Just think what you have achieved in life OP, time to let go of childhood injustices

You’ve probably done better than “Tom”

Please. Tom's probably been promoted over and over people like the person who posted about him and is a real obnoxious arse of a boss on a big wage.

One teacher explained to me my child wAs a grey child , not challenging and naughty but not top of the class bright so often teachers forget them

@whatwouldscullydo
That explains my second ds i would pick up a different child to the well behaved quiet one from school as he was a whirlwind when we got home and can't sit still , to do that for 6 hrs a day at school was actually real hard work for him and school never see that side of him

It’s a very difficult issue with two sides to it. I understand why teachers do this, I get that the Bens of this world really do need the extra help and will struggle to achieve long term without it. However when it’s your four year old with grazed knees from being pushed over by Ben yesterday crying because Ben got a sticker today and they didn’t all the logic goes out the window.

[quote CornishTiger]sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/09/19/the-problem-with-stickers-and-reward-charts/[/quote]
That woman talks completr nonsense, she also is a homeopath but hides it on her website. Her credibility as a childcare expert is zero

YANBU. These children never improve their behaviour so it isn’t a good long term solution.

It just rewards them for being bad and lets them know they can pick and choose when to be good when it suits them.

@LadyofTheManners Where did I say that I didn't do it? That I ignored the behaviour and allowed my child to disrupt others? That's right I didn't.

My issue is with you saying how 'easy' it is and therefore judging those parents who struggle. I worked with the school with every strategy, positive reinforcement and consequence. We got there in the end and he is now a (mostly) model pupil. It wasn't EASY.

Positive reinforcement can work - and should be alongside consequences. Children (and adults for that matter) respond to it. What we need to change is that there should be positive reinforcement for ALL children - not just the minority.

Not saying this explains all cases of bad behaviour (there are some children who are just "naughty" and some who are talkative and struggle to settle down in class). But often the "good" children and high achievers are so privileged in life compared to the problem ones (economically, good parenting, safe homes etc.). Aren't schools the one place in particular which should be trying to break the cycle of exclusion and disadvantage?