Badly behaved children getting all the rewards at school

[magicgoldpot]

This really annoys me and I would appreciate it if any teachers on here could give me an answer as to why this happens.

My ds started reception a few weeks ago and every single day I've collected him the teacher says how well behaved he has been. She's even referred to him as a 'star pupil'.

Ds came home saying Ben ( not real name ) pushed him hard in the back and he fell and grazed his knee and hand. Next day Ben wouldn't do what the teacher said and so the teacher shouted and it scared ds. Other incidents too and not just with Ben.

Anyway, at pick up Ben comes out first and proudly shows his Mum he has 2 stickers, so do a few others. For good listening apparently! Ds comes out and has no stickers but I am told by the teacher he's been amazing today.

This has happened a few times and ds asked me yesterday if he will get a sticker one day. He says Ben always gets one but he's naughty. I told ds do not copy what Ben is doing as that is not the way to get a sticker/ reward. You will get one one day.

So why do teachers reward 'naughty' children for the slightest bit of good behavior, when the children who are always good and follow the rules get nothing?

I've always explained exactly why to my kids - that they're trying to encourage the child to do better, whereas they already do well. It does help when they understand what's going on.

When it comes to actual rewards like sweets or stickers, I tell them that they don't need to worry about missing out at school, because we can always get sweets and stickers at home, and that I know how hard they're trying, and how good they've been and I'll sort out a reward for them, and it can be something they choose, rather than something random from the teacher's treat draw.

That's probably not as helpful to the school, because it means I'm basically removing the leverage the school might have with my child, but if it's that or have them constantly dejected because they don't get anything while the kid that whacked them round the face did, then sod it.

Oh, I should say I also make sure my kids understand they can have boundaries - that it's not OK if they're getting hit or bullied, or can't concentrate and they should always speak up or tell me, even if they know it's because the other kid has some challenges. That it's hard, and the teachers are trying, and it's a balancing act, but they should still tell me rather than put up with stuff too much.

@ExasperatedwithTerribleTwos

I don't have anything helpful to say. But I have been worried about this myself, but for the opposite reason - my son has had behaviour issues in the past, but seems to be doing really well at school (he's just started Reception).

So when I saw your thread title I immediately thought of my DS. Then when I opened it I felt a rush of dread - his name is Ben! (Please tell me you have actually changed the name?!!! )

I just hope that if my son was actually misbehaving the teacher would message me privately and let me know, rather than just letting me think he's doing well. Hopefully that's also happening in this case.

I'm saying all this slightly tongue-in-cheek. But genuinely I agee with many PP - different children have different skills and different difficulties and it's early days for teachers, who are still trying to learn about their pupils. All children should earn rewards based on their own abilities, not the abilities of their peers.
This sums up exactly how my DS was at pre-school:

Him listening that day may have required a huge amount of effort compared to the other more "well behaved" children and if teachers were to wait until he had a "perfect day"they could be waiting an incredibly long time

I think you are missing the point though. It’s very difficult for my DS as well. He often comes home and offloads all the stress off the day. Look at the threads where people are struggling to get a diagnosis for the DC due to the fact they don’t display the behaviours at school. These children are still struggling and it’s a further kick in the face that their struggle is minimised because they meet the behaviour standards at school.

These children are still struggling and it’s a further kick in the face that their struggle is minimised because they meet the behaviour standards at school. but they CAN hold it together and mask all days. Those that can’t need support to get to where your son already is.

DD1 and DD2 would rarely get rewards, they always but put their heads down and got in with the work set - neither were rewarded for that as they didn’t need encouragement to keep going and didn’t excel.
DS has multiple SEN and pretty much get rewards for just being in the classroom- my DDs are not impressed!

Quiet well behaved children are often overlooked.

At least that was the case at my child’s previous school, her new one however is fantastic and realised that these quiet well behaved children can sometimes need help with their self confidence and can be “invisible” children.

Just because some children don’t openly display their struggles doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

[quote Itisbetter]**@SoVeryLost* Children shouldn’t have different targets when it comes to behaviour rewards.*. Why not? . I can’t believe you’re a teacher and think this way! Did you skip differentiation and inclusion when you did teacher training???[/quote]
I did differentiation and inclusion but I’m fed up of them being used only for those who ‘struggle’. If you discuss differentiating up, you’re met with it’ll be done by outcome. That isn’t differentiation...

There should be a minimum standard of behaviour, if a child doesn’t meet it why are they being rewarded? Especially if those rewards lead to bigger rewards?

As the parent of a Ben type child (who is also awesome and funny and incredibly kind when not massively distressed), at some point I am going to have to sit down and explain to him why he finds things like sitting still and controlling his emotions hard, why he finds writing difficult, why he has his own reward chart with special rewards that other children don’t get - he has lifelong neurological differences that mean he will likely always find some big aspects of life harder than they are for most people. Bluntly at some point I have to explain to my child he has a disability. That’s really unfair and no complaining to the teacher about stickers or criticising my parenting will change it.

Sometimes he gets a sticker or medal for coming and sitting at sports day but not joining in. You think he’s sitting sullenly misbehaving. You have no idea he’s spent the last three nights awake beforehand worrying about it, repeatedly screams and cries and prays he dies so he doesn’t have to go to sports day and injures himself and self harms in distress at the idea of having to run in front of people. You begrudge that small child a medal for coping with that anxiety and distress and getting as far as sitting and watching? He’s probably put more effort into that than most children do just turning up and running on a field while waving happily at Mummy.

Frankly I would swap in a heartbeat for having a conversation with my well behaved, very capable and not centre of attention child to explain why they don’t get the same rewards as X or Y in their class and no it’s not fair but neither is life. Ben finds things harder than you do so Ben gets rewarded for things you don’t. You will likely reap a lifetime of rewards for finding hard work, fitting in socially etc easy to come by.

You really honestly don’t want to be Ben or Ben’s parent, sometimes Ben behaves that way for reasons you aren’t privy to and frankly Ben has lots of unfairness in his life too. If your child isn’t being rewarded for trying hard or succeeding at something they find difficult, bring that up separately. Stop belittling other children’s struggles with “they get a sticker for sitting still for 1 minute” crap.

There were a couple of children in my year at my old primary school who had "issues" (as a child I would have said they were naughty.) They also received the gold star award etc in assemblies for showing improvement etc. I only remembered this because my mum brought it up the other day. She's still slightly bitter . As a child though it really didnt bother me that much, at the very least it hasn't scarred me or permanently damaged my self esteem. So I wouldnt worry about it too much but maybe mention tothe teacher if your son could get a sticker some time in a light hearted way.
Or.... do what I did and not realise that the last day of term was a half day and so be really late picking him up so the teacher who was clearing the class room found a load of unused stickers and gave them to him as the only child left uncollected*

• Don't really do that its terrible parenting and I still feel guilty. But he was very proud he got 3 sheets of stickers.

Well my son has just started reception too and he never comes out with a sticker so I'll take it to mean he's super well behaved haha!

In fact he never got stickers anywhere, ever. Is he the most angelic child there ever was?

The rewards need to reflect what is an achievement for that child. Some children will never be able to sit still for a 20 minute carpet session but with help if they manage 5 then that should be rewarded, then hopefully over time they can build it up.

Ds has in the past been rewarded for staying in the classroom all afternoon. For most children that wouldn’t be reward worthy but for him at that point in time it was a massive achievement for him because of the other much bigger issues he has going on.

@Itisbetter

These children are still struggling and it’s a further kick in the face that their struggle is minimised because they meet the behaviour standards at school. but they CAN hold it together and mask all days. Those that can’t need support to get to where your son already is.

You really can’t see that from a child’s eyes? It’s totally unfair to them.

Personally I think the rewards should be put somewhere more private, like in their workbooks, because handing things out in front of the children that are genuinely well behaved is obviously unfair, demotivating, and likely to inspire them to copy the bad behaviour.

@Triangularbubble

As the parent of a Ben type child (who is also awesome and funny and incredibly kind when not massively distressed), at some point I am going to have to sit down and explain to him why he finds things like sitting still and controlling his emotions hard, why he finds writing difficult, why he has his own reward chart with special rewards that other children don’t get - he has lifelong neurological differences that mean he will likely always find some big aspects of life harder than they are for most people. Bluntly at some point I have to explain to my child he has a disability. That’s really unfair and no complaining to the teacher about stickers or criticising my parenting will change it.

Sometimes he gets a sticker or medal for coming and sitting at sports day but not joining in. You think he’s sitting sullenly misbehaving. You have no idea he’s spent the last three nights awake beforehand worrying about it, repeatedly screams and cries and prays he dies so he doesn’t have to go to sports day and injures himself and self harms in distress at the idea of having to run in front of people. You begrudge that small child a medal for coping with that anxiety and distress and getting as far as sitting and watching? He’s probably put more effort into that than most children do just turning up and running on a field while waving happily at Mummy.

Frankly I would swap in a heartbeat for having a conversation with my well behaved, very capable and not centre of attention child to explain why they don’t get the same rewards as X or Y in their class and no it’s not fair but neither is life. Ben finds things harder than you do so Ben gets rewarded for things you don’t. You will likely reap a lifetime of rewards for finding hard work, fitting in socially etc easy to come by.

You really honestly don’t want to be Ben or Ben’s parent, sometimes Ben behaves that way for reasons you aren’t privy to and frankly Ben has lots of unfairness in his life too. If your child isn’t being rewarded for trying hard or succeeding at something they find difficult, bring that up separately. Stop belittling other children’s struggles with “they get a sticker for sitting still for 1 minute” crap.

The issue is as adults we can sit and say we don’t begrudge it but for me it’s the damage it is doing to my DS who always tries hard (sucks at sports but is very logical) and is constantly being told by school it isn’t good enough, this is what he is receiving when he watches children who are rewarded. The difference in his self esteem during lockdown was so noticeable. Like I’ve said upthread, if you won’t reward a ‘good’ child for attending sports day I don’t think you should reward a ‘naughty’ child for it. I don’t particularly like that we are using good and naughty as descriptors anyway as it is not as simplistic as those words make out. The crux of the issue is a child who isn’t being rewarded when they try hard is an issue.

It’s not simplistic which is why you can’t apply the same for everyone.

My son has severe asthma - would you expect him to be able to run as far as other pupils his age?

He also has autism and ADHD so why would you expect him to be able to behave in exactly the same way?

The answer isn’t to judge all children on standards that would be impossible for most. The answer is to look at what is an achievement for that individual child and reward them for that in a way that’s meaningful for them.

So bring it up constructively with school. It’s the belittling and trivialising other children’s issues I do t like. It’s entirely fair to say to a teacher that actually your child is getting demoralised because they feel they worked hard at x or did well at y but weren’t recognised. It’s not fair to drag Ben and his issues and rewards into it.

You really can’t see that from a child’s eyes? It’s totally unfair to them.. I think you and I probably have a totally different definition of “fair”. If you honestly, having had a child yourself AND taught in school don’t understand that invisible disabilities and different life stories can impact behaviour and SHOULD inform expectation then I can only hope your influence on the less advantaged is minimal.

Honestly though in my experience children DO understand and are desperately proud of their less able classmates when they achieve.

The crux of the issue is a child who isn’t being rewarded when they try hard is an issue

And the fact that by yr 5/6 when none of them give a crap about rewards either because they are just too old, or that its taken so bloody long to get anything because when they are rewarded they arent even allowed to be able to enjoy it because it hurts someone else's feelings who will never achieve the same, the behaviour in the ckass ends up worse than ever.

Funnily enough teachers can instantly pinpoint the well behaved children when they want to use them as buffer zones to absob the bad behaviour of others so they know there are there, they are just ignored until it's of benefit to someone.

So either your behaviour and effort is completely ignored or you are rewarded by having stuff thrown avkut and forced to work on your lap as no one will let u use the desk.

Its mothing short of a miracle many still retain their good behaviour tbh

I think this is a very short term view in term not getting stickers.

The fact of the matter is that your child is going to have much easier time in life that the 'naughty' ones. What the teacher is trying to do is in some way equilise life so that the ones who don't have it so easy get a boost.

I know it looks unfair and good children should also be praised but please don't dwell on the naughty ones getting stickers. It's such a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

I have one of each, one who struggled in school and got lots of praise when he managed and one who just slotted in. Guess who has better emotional stability, better social skills and generally just an easier walk through life?

@Itisbetter

You really can’t see that from a child’s eyes? It’s totally unfair to them.. I think you and I probably have a totally different definition of “fair”. If you honestly, having had a child yourself AND taught in school don’t understand that invisible disabilities and different life stories can impact behaviour and SHOULD inform expectation then I can only hope your influence on the less advantaged is minimal.

Honestly though in my experience children DO understand and are desperately proud of their less able classmates when they achieve.

So you only care about those who struggle in the right way?

[quote Coffeecak3]@Groundhogdayzz I suggest that you ask your dd when she’s an adult if she should have got stickers. My dd was a well behaved average dc. She got zilch from school.
I sometimes wonder if teachers have any idea what it’s like to be too well behaved to be incentivised and yet not academic enough to get awards.
Luckily my dd had good friends and loved school but she still felt the burning injustice regularly.
2 years ago she got a bursary from a top university to do her masters, it was wonderful for her self esteem. And she did it herself.[/quote]
Coffeecak3-

Your DD can’t be academically ‘average’ if she got a scholarship for a masters degree.....

@aSofaNearYou that's exactly what we would do with them, inside a copy book. Sometimes we would single out a child for extra praise in front of everyone when we noticed other kids commenting on them not being good at maths, reading or whatever and felt we need to show to the group that the child had their own talents and skills. Some children would look down on some of the weaker children and we wanted to discourage that and also not let a child be labelled as naughty by children and other parents. Obviously used other methods alongside it but that was one of them.

Honestly though in my experience children DO understand and are desperately proud of their less able classmates when they achieve.

This is exactly it!

There's a couple of kids with behavioural issues, there's another with a physical disability, there's my son who's quiet, well-behaved, but dyspraxic, so can lose his coat in an empty room, and finds anything physical (including handwriting) tremendously draining and difficult, there's 30 kids, all with different strengths and weaknesses, and if you just explain to them that they are being rewarded based on their own achievements I find that they do get it. Yes, they can feel a bit hard done by that they didn't get the sticker, so talk to them, talk to the school, and find something they have to try hard at which will result in a sticker (or whatever).

I think the vast majority of children work out pretty quickly that stickers are crap. Star of the Week comes to everyone, so does the class bear (is that still going in Covid times? [ugh] . There was a sticker chart in the dcs’ school. At the end of the school year - quite coincidentally - the whole class had the same number of stickers.

I think some commentators blame today’s “snowflake” generation on the stickers for all policy.

On the matter of some pupils being overlooked, I agree that teachers do seem to need some sort of new training initiative to look at ways of dealing with quiet, good and a bit unnoticeable kids. Dd was an absolute prime example. Even worse if the poor kid has a popular name so is even more unmemorable! In DD’s year there were five Amys...

The fact of the matter is that your child is going to have much easier time in life that the 'naughty' ones. What the teacher is trying to do is in some way equilise life so that the ones who don't have it so easy get a boost

Says who?

I'm sure being bullied, having zero self esteem as you watch the ones bullying you get everything in school while you cant even play with your friends because you have just been told to stay away from them, hardly leads to an way walk through life.

I spent my break times at primary hiding or standing around on my own.

Course if you were a naughty chikd teachers would find you a grouo to play with and encourage them to give kids a chance.

But I was part of the forgotten middle. No one tried to get kids to make friends with me. Only time I was noticed was when I needed to help other kids with their work.

I can tell you now that teaching kids tHt their only value is to help others even to the detriment of yourself and to accept things when they seem unfair hasnt exactly ensured an easy path through life.

Its taken years for me to realise that I can say no. That its not my job to absorb others behaviour or accept things to placate others.