How to stop someone buying the house next door

[Anonandonandonandon]

Entirely tongue in cheek, I intend to be neighbourly and lovely but...

Our neighbours are selling their house. It’s on a really quiet road, tucked away so that you’d never come down it if you weren’t a resident or visiting a resident. It’s a big reason we bought here.

On Tuesday I heard an almighty roaring noise that even my colleagues on zoom suggested I should investigate. I looked out of the window to see a very expensive car turning outside our house and driving off. Turns out the driver had been looking around next door.

Today I came home to find said very expensive car parked partially across my driveway, which was a bit annoying in itself. Must be a second viewing. Now I have visions of being woken up by an ostentatiously loud car every morning or late at night and living next door to someone who feels the need for such an expensive and ostentatiously loud car

Any (also tongue in cheek) suggestions as to how I put them off?

@Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing

This reminds me of the time our neighbours in Australia didn’t want anyone to buy the vacant block next door to them. Whenever someone came for a viewing they turned the radio up and got the vacuum cleaner going. They also attached a home-made sign to the big ‘for sale’ sign: BEWARE OF SNAKES.

Omggggg howling

Throw some used condoms on the drive before the next viewing

Wait until they come next and borrow my next door neighbours cat to do a dump in the garden

Borrow a yappy dog and let it out in your garden to bark the whole time they’re viewing - I’d run a mile if that were me!

Did itwork?? 😁

Perhaps they are buying it to let to lovelier people

Stand outside in pjs fag in hand screaming “get down Tyrone, Chelsea, Apple, and Brooklyn!” At some kids (borrow something if you have none) bouncing on a settee in your front garden and get Someone to pop up in their Ford Fiesta xr2 and leave it on bricks outside. Stride up and down with a huge mobile really loud asking for extra money to put the lecky on, and if they want you can go and nick them that really classy shocking pink Pauls boutique handbag from selfridges that would go ‘wiv’ their coat! throw a bottle and smash it in the back garden and shout fuckin hell Drayton! Look what you’ve done you’ve knocked mommies cider all over Alton!

Bathtubs, ponies, caravans etc out the front...if you have any bits ready for the tip make a pile somewhere noticeable - have a pretend but LOUD row with hubby/kids/yourself...play some awful music - post on social media what a shit area it really is, local services rubbish, neighbours horrible, nothing to do etc - a trampoline with all the local kids squealing all day...cough, sneeze, wheeze and keep muttering loudly as you wander round the garden...things like "I hope so and so didn't give me Coronavirus - please don't let this cough be Covid19 - say how outside of CV19 restrictions you like to support the homeless with the odd BBQ and hope one day they'll stay sober!

Bagpipe practice whenever they appear

Litter the threshold between your houses with (clean) syringes.

Board up a couple of your windows, then say that one of the advantages of being out of the way is that all the local children can play there safely away from the road. Point at the windows then say, “Well, at least it’s not cricket season any more! Shame the car’s still not back from the body shop though”. [tinkly laugh].

What put me off a house was when we were standing in the front garden waiting for the agent to show us round, a "busy body" type man came up to us, complete with his garden rake and told us when the bin men came and which part of the kerb we had to put the bins (not a council thing just a neighbour thing.) He just looked like he would be a busy body nosey moaning neighbour who would be sniffing around every time you came in and out your front door!

Or, you could rewatch an episode of Keeping up Appearances and recreate onzlo and daisys front garden! 😂

I think I know this house! So prepare for lots of questions and I may be able to shed some light! Does the house have a reasonable amount of land? You say the car was parked over part of your driveway - Was the car you saw no older than a year or two and the driver and wife quite young looking & dressed in a ‘flash’ way? Ie wife very ott with the make up, eyebrows and ott tan?!!

Tell him that you bet the neighbours are glad some mug is willing to buy it after all the problems they have been moaning about for the last 2 years. Still the new paint covered it fairly well.

@Hiddennameforever

Buy the house.

That's what I was going to say!

We have a neighbour who did that (both sides) so that they could rent them out & choose who lived there!!

Bagpipes and kilt. Order immediately and start practicing NOW. Add a few Scottish flags in the windows for added authenticity.

Or, you could rewatch an episode of Keeping up Appearances and recreate onzlo and daisys front garden Complete with loud dog in the car!

Ask Onslow and Rose to pop round on one of his visits

I am actually related to Onslo actor!!.

@Fromage

Tell them to make sure the handbrake is in good working order because the lizard gods told you this area is quite near the edge of Earth and you'd hate it if the car rolled clean off. Then offer them a random piece of food, as if sharing a snack.

"Oxo cube?"

Oh I need the crying with laughter emoji

Mind blowingly amazing idea!

This thread is hilarious! Please @Mumsnet HQ can it go in Classics!

Put in a planning application to open a dog boarding kennels. You would never have to follow it through but it would come up on the searches (I would actually do this). Or, dig away the foundations of the house when your neighbour is out (I wouldn't actually do this).

Go to the second hand store and buy lots of little kids bright colored plastic toys and scatter them all over your front yard. Knock on the next door door and ask if they like to sleep in after 6am or will they call the police like the old neighbors as it will do no good.