How to stop someone buying the house next door

[Anonandonandonandon]

Entirely tongue in cheek, I intend to be neighbourly and lovely but...

Our neighbours are selling their house. It’s on a really quiet road, tucked away so that you’d never come down it if you weren’t a resident or visiting a resident. It’s a big reason we bought here.

On Tuesday I heard an almighty roaring noise that even my colleagues on zoom suggested I should investigate. I looked out of the window to see a very expensive car turning outside our house and driving off. Turns out the driver had been looking around next door.

Today I came home to find said very expensive car parked partially across my driveway, which was a bit annoying in itself. Must be a second viewing. Now I have visions of being woken up by an ostentatiously loud car every morning or late at night and living next door to someone who feels the need for such an expensive and ostentatiously loud car

Any (also tongue in cheek) suggestions as to how I put them off?

Greet them whilst wearing a MAGA hat.

Can you encourage a huge flock of pigeons to the area for next time they view and train them to poo all over the very expensive car?

Ask them if they have ever seen brookside. No matter what the answer you must then tell them everything that ever happened step by step each episode. If not brookside insert defunct tv show of choice.

Oh and act as if the characters are real people.

I know you said this was tongue in cheek op but you’ve had some seriously good answers here! I would actually do some of these. I think the sofa and fridge outside is genius. I wish I’d been around when next door was viewing. When it sells again I’m dragging my sofa outside until I’m happy with the buyer. Not even joking.

If you don't have a kid who can play a recorder, try playing this at full volume:

A nice roll of underlay and a mattress in the front garden, loud drum and bass music, faint waft of weed, several large dogs and an ill timed domestic row should do the trick. Failing that, a Jimmy Saville cardboard cut out in the window!

Sing la bamba through their letter box but get more and more high pitched and hysterical the more you sing.

Leave a cult badge or robe and details for their initiation

I misread this as 'cut badger', which might also prove effective. Can you scan the sides of the roads for roadkill?

Confront them and tell them you hope that if they decide to buy the house you trust they'll do something about that and point to the car. Snootily explain that you are a very quiet neighbourhood who prides itself on community and neighbourhood watch gatherings. Go all out Margo from the good life on them.

If your your house nameplate says Shepherd’s Cottage, put “ing” at the end of it.

thenightsky

What make and model was this very expensive car?

DH thinks I might get myself in trouble revealing this! Particularly now the thread is trending blush.

Daniel Craig wouldn’t look out of place in something similar though.

If my neighbours are reading this...I really am joking, honest!

I have neighbours with an Aston Martin. Classy car, nice people. Its not that loud! You could end up with a hell of a lot worse.

Alternatively get your husband to wear a large nappy and bonnet and crawl around on all fours in the garden. I once had to deal with a planning appeal/enforcement case where the appellant ran an adult baby b&b. The letters of objections from neighbouring properties were hilarious and very impassioned!

Pop over to the anti mlm threads and brush up on your sales skills. Proposition them as potential teamies for your juice plus business. It'd certainly put me off.

A car taken to pieces in the front garden. Bonus points if it's very rusty or has been burnt out.
Mouldy old sofa and broken washing machine too.
Somebody out there smoking weed all times of the day. Horrible awful smell.
Loud antisocial music.
Big piles of rubbish on the street.
Recycling boxes out, and overflowing with alcohol bottles. The Sun newspaper could work too, stacks of the old ones.
A fire pit, bonfire of BBQ. Smokier the better. You want it to hurt their eyes it's so smokey.
Take down your curtains and cover your windows in racist and/or conspiracy theorist propaganda.
Noisy aggressive dog, or small happy dog that never shuts up, or LOTS of cats, I will let you decide 😊
Mouse and rat traps, for added effect introduce yourself and offer them a mates rates voucher for the local pest control "just being neighbourly as you may need this"
Get a big sign saying "Satanist Church" or something and register as one.
Concrete your garden and paint a large pentagram.
100s of wind chimes. Wind chimes can be really fucking annoying.

Failing that, damage their ridiculous ostentatious car in some way. Now I'm not saying you have to slash their tires and smash their wind screen (I mean you can do but that shits illegal, so I'm washing my hands right now if that's the way this is going) but if you can find a way to persuade the neighbourhood birds to shit all over it? That might be a step in the right direction.

Strew the cut stems of knotweed and mare's tail strategically in the front garden. Make sure the windows are open and they hear your raised voice saying 'fucking INFESTED'.

Get a bollard fitted on your driveway, where you have the key to lower when you want. Alternatively a caravan/trailer taking up the whole space with barely room to manoeuvre a valuable car.

@Redkatagain

Outing if anyone knows me....

I dealt with problem neighbours as follows:

A CD of Gregorian Chanting. Played as loud as the stereo would play it.
When they objected, I paused it and in a DEADLY serious voice

"I do hope you are not trying to impede the practice of my religion"

This is absolutely brilliant!

weekly neighbourhood street gatherings (everyone being a new dish!)

@Biancadelrioisback I should think everyone being a new dish would really put them off! 🤣

Potato in his stupid exhaust?

I feel for you, OP, the guy behind us sold up, the new owner has added a house to the original so there’ll be 2 sets of new neighbours. I’m terrified! The area is very quiet. I’d have to move if the new neighbours were noisy. 😢

@Bagadverts

Get a bollard fitted on your driveway, where you have the key to lower when you want. Alternatively a caravan/trailer taking up the whole space with barely room to manoeuvre a valuable car.

I’d hope that ultimately they’d park on the driveway belonging to the house and not on the road (which isn’t technically allowed anyway as it’s private and there are covenants, though nobody minds if you park outside your own house when necessary). I think they were being courteous to the current owners in not using their drive.

Recently someone parked their car on a local friend’s driveway when viewing their house and then left it there while they wandered around the neighbourhood, despite seeing said friend return to the property. I thought that was pretty odd.

Like I said, it’s tongue in cheek. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I wanted a bit of a laugh and MN has delivered in spades. Thank you!

Buy an old car and take the wheels off and leave it outside your house propped up on bricks

Leave a wretched looking double buggy, some filled nappy sacks and toys strewn across the front lawn.

Start burning rubber tyres constantly in your front garden.

Start learning the bagpipes...
decorate the lawn with christmas decorations...that play christmas music and have moving parts

I'm totally voting for this one, my larp friends and me are weird enough to put anyone off 😂