How to stop someone buying the house next door

[Anonandonandonandon]

Entirely tongue in cheek, I intend to be neighbourly and lovely but...

Our neighbours are selling their house. It’s on a really quiet road, tucked away so that you’d never come down it if you weren’t a resident or visiting a resident. It’s a big reason we bought here.

On Tuesday I heard an almighty roaring noise that even my colleagues on zoom suggested I should investigate. I looked out of the window to see a very expensive car turning outside our house and driving off. Turns out the driver had been looking around next door.

Today I came home to find said very expensive car parked partially across my driveway, which was a bit annoying in itself. Must be a second viewing. Now I have visions of being woken up by an ostentatiously loud car every morning or late at night and living next door to someone who feels the need for such an expensive and ostentatiously loud car

Any (also tongue in cheek) suggestions as to how I put them off?

Rush out with a clipboard and pen when they pull up and loudly count up the number of people in the house and planning to enter to house, to ensure they will not be exceeding the Rule of 6.

Change all your lightbulbs for red ones and invite many male friends to visit every half an hour during the night. During the day sit on camping chairs on your front lawn and play Rammstein at full volume.

You may need to pay for all your other neighbours to go on holiday by way of apology.

Get your teenager to invite some pals over and hang around on the street corner drinking pop or water but with the bottles/cans in black carrier bags.

Encourage a friend with an old banger to park the car next to the house for a week.

Make your garden look like a fly-tipping site

Practice gurning. Do your best efforts to run out and dribble when you hear him, brandishing a can of graffiti spray.

Do you have a mad ferret? Get one and train it to attack.

@Frownette

Practice gurning. Do your best efforts to run out and dribble when you hear him, brandishing a can of graffiti spray.

Do you have a mad ferret? Get one and train it to attack.

No, but I have a 3 year old who’d be up for the challenge!

Tell them to make sure the handbrake is in good working order because the lizard gods told you this area is quite near the edge of Earth and you'd hate it if the car rolled clean off. Then offer them a random piece of food, as if sharing a snack.

"Oxo cube?"

Do you know any local heavy metal bands who need a rehearsal space?

Buy the house.

Cover your back garden with loads of fake dog poo and when they arrive, run out and throw a couple of stink bombs down. Then play recordings of two big dogs fighting. 😁

Be daring - walk around in the nuddy in the back garden when they’re viewing and wave enthusiastically asking if they’d like to join your twice-weekly naked yoga group when they move in

@Fromage

Tell them to make sure the handbrake is in good working order because the lizard gods told you this area is quite near the edge of Earth and you'd hate it if the car rolled clean off. Then offer them a random piece of food, as if sharing a snack.

"Oxo cube?"

This has really tickled me. Thank you.

@Hiddennameforever

Buy the house.

What do you think of my chances if I set up a go fund me page? How many mums netters are there? If everyone threw in a pound...

I’d raffle the house off to any contributor who completes my 50 point questionnaire on neighbourliness, of course.

@gillybombilly

Be daring - walk around in the nuddy in the back garden when they’re viewing and wave enthusiastically asking if they’d like to join your twice-weekly naked yoga group when they move in

They might like that, though

Haha just realised why our neigbours don't like us (owner of tired old car, not pampas grass/string vest)

Sure it isn't the estate agent?

Ask them if the smell has gone from that awful incident..
What smell? What incident?
Ooooh you don’t know.... ok (wonders back off)

Borrow a friend's 9 year old who has either (a) just started playing the violin or (b) has got to about grade 2 on the drums and is therefore just competent enough to make a LOT of noise.

Or, ideally, both of the above simultaneously.

Make a poster to pin up at two driveway entrance:
“The Nice Neighbour Swingers Society will no longer be meeting here from October - Weekly meetings will now take place at (OPs house).
We kindly ask all members to retrieve their props from this house, and if we could have volunteers to reinstall the outside sex swing in (OPs house) garden we would be extremely grateful”

@TheSockMonster

Assuming they come as a couple, openly come on to one of them in front of their partner whilst saying how you hope to be able to welcome them to the neighbourhood soon. Wink suggestively as you say welcome.

Also plant some pampas grass in your front garden :)

Wave at them from your wheelie bin hot tub

@nevertrustaherdofcows

Sure it isn't the estate agent?

Not unless the estate agent brings his wife and child to work

By stealth, hide prawns discretely Inside the neighbours house.. over time the ever increasing foul stench will put off prospective buyers without an ounce of naked flesh being revealed as a nudist colony scare tactics.... only when your lovely neighbours decide to stay .. remove them .... your welcome .

@Branleuse

Put a sofa in your front garden and a fridge

and a skip, a cloth skip, just there, all the time. When it's picked up you start again.

I do this.

Get a trampoline and budge it up against the fence. Be ready to hop up and down staring into their house when they come to view again.
Mumsnetters hate trampolines and staring neighbours, so this bloke might feel the same.

We mostly listen to “let it go” and “into the unknown” on repeat in this house! The kids singing that at the top of their voices has got to be off putting. We’re detached, so I’d probably need to join in to make it loud enough. That’s got to work!

Get the kids an electronic drum set and loud amp (and yourself some ear plugs).