I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Not read the full thread. I'm in a 11 year gap.

My advise, stop double guessing the future. There are too many variables at play. Focus on how you feel now to guide you. If you are happy now, live for that because you have no idea how your lives will play out. If you feel something is missing, make changes.

OP if you read the other thread about the couple with the same age gap and that's what upset you, get it out of your head immediately.
The man concealed two older children from his partner and now they've popped up the lie has been revealed. People were advising her to leave him because he has broken the trust by lying and also he had had a vasectomy and she wants her own children. He said he would get the vasectomy reversed.
But a lot of posters, myself included, felt that the OP and DP were not at the same life stage. Also the OP had spent years caring for others.
Not the same situation as you at all.

I think age gap relationships can and do work but you really do have to be on the same page. Your situation is different (unless there a whole load of secret children waiting to pop out of the woodwork).

One other horror story on here recently was the bloke who hadn't bothered to pay into a pension or invest in property or save money and therefore his younger wife was going to have to work for another 20 years while he was retired and he was refusing to work part time (IIRC).
So you do need to have a discussion with your fiance about his plans and provisions for his retirement and it needs to happen fairly soon. This is to avoid a situation where you are working yourself into the grave at 65 because he is receiving next to no pension and you're basically subsidizing his lifestyle for years. Have that discussion with him - it's really important.

I'm sorry OP but you sound very self centred.

You've brought a child into all of this. How old are they?

You can't just cut and run because you suddenly wonder if your man is too old for you. It's too late for that, if that's all it is.

These are the conversations you ought to have had at 22 when you met him and certainly before you had a child with him.

It's too late now.

If there are other reasons for not wanting to be married, that may be different, but focusing on a number is just not acceptable when you have a child. You owe that child stability. It's not just about you anymore.

@fuandylp

OP if you read the other thread about the couple with the same age gap and that's what upset you, get it out of your head immediately. The man concealed two older children from his partner and now they've popped up the lie has been revealed. People were advising her to leave him because he has broken the trust by lying and also he had had a vasectomy and she wants her own children. He said he would get the vasectomy reversed. But a lot of posters, myself included, felt that the OP and DP were not at the same life stage. Also the OP had spent years caring for others. Not the same situation as you at all.

I think age gap relationships can and do work but you really do have to be on the same page. Your situation is different (unless there a whole load of secret children waiting to pop out of the woodwork).

One other horror story on here recently was the bloke who hadn't bothered to pay into a pension or invest in property or save money and therefore his younger wife was going to have to work for another 20 years while he was retired and he was refusing to work part time (IIRC).
So you do need to have a discussion with your fiance about his plans and provisions for his retirement and it needs to happen fairly soon. This is to avoid a situation where you are working yourself into the grave at 65 because he is receiving next to no pension and you're basically subsidizing his lifestyle for years. Have that discussion with him - it's really important.

this absolutely.

The age gap is not necessarily an issue, it is about the rest of the story.

My mum was 22 and my dad 38 when they got married - people told my mum she'd be a young widow, but it didn't turn out like that. They were married for 51 happy years, but she died of a stroke aged 73, leaving my dad a very sad widower for 12 years until he died at 102.

A 40 year old has no business being with a 26 year old. There are clearly reasons you feel this way, don’t ignore your gut. You have not ruined your life, your life hasn’t even started yet.

Yes it's a big age gap - but you've been together for a number of years and you have a child together so it obviously doesn't give you the ick.

If you do stay married (lots of marriages end in divorce/separation then there is a greater chance that you will be a younger widower than most.

Just make sure you have a good pension and a rich life - lots of friends etc and you'll be fine.

A lady I know is 100 years old, and has been a widower for over 40 years, she's so unhappy without her husband, she always talks about him, but she has no family and very few living friends. She has 2 cats which she loves, so they help keep her company.

Youl be older too. When he's 50 your going to be a few years of 50.

It's about the real things. Are you happy? Do you enjoy time together? Is he a gentleman? Because young pretty blokes can be lying cheating arses anyway.

There can be insecurities from the man too. My partner's 37 and I'm 31. I don't see him feeling old to me anytime soon. We are both adults.

A few years from 40!

You have almost the same gap as my husband and I, it may become noticeable much later but right now it doesn’t feel like he is older. There is no point loosing out on the love and happiness because in 25 years (I’ll be 65 and he’ll be nearly 80) we MIGHT be at different stages of our life. There is no knowing how that will go, he may die at 70, I may die first much younger than expected. Live for now (and a reasonable time into the future ) but trying to predict and plan for long term stuff is unlikely to work out the way you think anyway.

A 40 year old has no business being with a 26 year old. why on earth not? It may not be the age gap that some would choose but they are both adults, and 26 is old enough to be responsible enough to have a job, a mortgage, children if they want. I was married with a mortgage at 26, is that only ok because my H was the same age as me then? .

And FGS can people stop assuming the OP is the poster from the previous thread? The situation is nothing like the previous thread.

Also, I agree that people are very quick to advise posters to leave relationships. I actually think a lot of the posters who shout LTB are either single or themselves in unhappy relationships and just cannot understand the concept of making things work rather than running at the first opportunity.

I think 14 years isn’t massive, my sister is 30 and her partner 60 that’s a big gap!

26 and 40 isn't a difficult gap.

As you both get older, it becomes more noticeable and is likely to mean you are agreeing to a more constrained lifestyle earlier than you normally would.

There is a bit of a difference between a 56 year old and a 70 year old.

There is a much bigger difference between a 70 year and and 84 year old.

An 80 year old should still be reasonably fit and active. A 94 year old?

He may be ''the love of your life'' - which really does happen. You may not realise it until too late if you leave. If you doubt your love - consider leaving but also consider what is best for you child because your reason seems like a ''whim'' all of a sudden after reading a MN thread. Good men are hard to find - no matter what their age!

It’s completely ok for you to have voiced your anxieties though, just don’t act on them and in the process destroy your child’s family just because you might end up a widow.

I’m hoping to become one of those wealthy old ladies who go on multiple cruises every year and ogle all the young waiters

You have a 4 yr relationship and a child but you want to leave because people on the internet were talking about a completely different situation and your DP's response was to agree with you. Regardless of the age gap, your immaturity levels sound the same.
Go back on your meds and grow up.

We had a 16 year age gap which was completely irrelevant. He did die of cancer which could have happened to anyone. I cannot understand you becoming obsessed by this.

Just to add. Life is never a long term honeymoon. Whatever their age. You smell their breath. You wash their clothes. You hear them burping and farting. They moan. You moan. You get less passionate. You get less time to have fun when you have kids and things.

Believe me I've been in temporary places when I've Thought pwoarr that blokes fit. I wish I was young again and able to flaunt myself about abit again. But when I get like that it's just the mundane life getting to me.

We are only human. It doesn't truly reflect our partners. It's not about cheating and lying. It's not about trading them in for a younger model. It's important to acknowledge that curiousity is natural. I think everyone has a part of them that questions what it would be like to be different. To be with someone richer. Someone more manly. Someone funnier. Someone better looking. But it's often s reflection on ourselves. I come from a really boring family in my opinion. I wish we were closer. I wish we had Sunday dinners together. I wish my parents babysat the kids and all the cousins could grow up close. I often think I wonder what it would be like to have a busy fun family. To have brothers as I have sisters. To have a busier schedule. Some people seem to have such a better life than me. But counting your blessings is so important. For all the adventure I wish I could have. For all the times I wish I was prettier and more talented. For all the times I wish I could be younger again and be out with a group of friends feeling as free as a bird, I know I'm lucky. My partner is gentle. He's caring. He's loving. He's a provider. He's never hurt us and he's an amazing dad. Imagine if I left him for that sexier bloke with the more blokey job and I was stuck with a pig. Someone who is always out drinking. Doesn't help around the house and gets Mardy and paranoid.

Always count your blessings. But accept you are human and you are probably just having a wobble. X

People say all sorts of silly things on here. They bring their own prejudices to things. Sometimes they just want to read a bit of drama and don't really care about the real person posting. You are being silly to be so influenced by the opinions of strangers. You know your partner and you know your own feelings. Trust your own judgement. It's also true that in the other threads there were other serious issues apart from the age gap, although some prejudices crept into the replies. You also have a child to consider, don't unsettle that child about unless you really have good reason for it.

My DH is 10 year and older than me. We met when I was 28 and have been together 12 years.

I had mŷ own place and I don’t feel take taken advantage of. I was old enough to know my own mind and we met through work, but we worked in different companies so it wasn’t a power thing. DH isn’t controlling, he is very easy going and we try to make each other happy.

We are aware of the age gap and have planned to retire together, we both try and keep fit and look after ourselves to give us the best chance at a healthy and active retirement and have lots of together.

Age is not the issue. If you love him stay, if not, make plans to leave.

Love is guaranteed to no one and also all things change. If you are happy now let go of worries about what might or might not be, no one knows the future. Enjoy what you have!

Also, age is definately just a number. My 80yr old MIL still works, does aerobics (well pre COVID!) and honestly she puts many of my friends to shame (40s!). So providing your partner looks after himself, there is no reason you should become his carer.

@NameChange2PostThis

PPs! THE OP HAS PND. SHE IS UNWELL AND OFF HER MEDS.

SHE IS NOT THE SAME OP AS YESTERDAY.

@AnOverthinker PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE SEEN TODAY

I’m reporting this thread because I don’t think it’s helpful to an obviously fragile OP. @AnOverthinker please post again for support with your MH.

Hope you are going to see your GP, @AnOverthinker You haven't messed anything up. Show your dp this thread and especially the comments about the effects of PND. You say he's a great dad and partner. He will want to help you, too. Even if you are afraid of him becoming ill at some point, remember that you don't have to dump him now - there's no rush, plenty of time yet. Give it time and see how you feel about it later.

I missed the information that OP is suffering with PND and apologise for saying you are being silly overthinker. I agree with the advice to go back to your GP and make no decisions until you are feeling better. I stand by saying that it's best not to take to much notice of what strangers say on MN

I agree with @Hollyhocksarenotmessy the age difference becomes a bigger deal once he gets to his mid 70s and you’re just 60. You may get hit by a bus or die before him, but the odds are you won’t!

But it’s more worrying to me that a very anxious 20 something is with a much older man. It sounds like you need to see your doctor and try and get yourself on your own two feet before making this decision.

Find (mutual) love wherever you can, whatever shape or size....or age