I've potentially just ruined my life

[AnOverthinker]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 26 and he is 40. I have always been ok with the age gap now, but worried about later in life. I loved him enough to put it to the back of my mind, but whenever I am reminded of it and I allow myself to think of the reality I freak out massively and nearly end it with him.

Well tonight I've done just that but instead of thinking it, I said everything out loud. Everything's been good, planning our wedding, bringing up our kid then I read a thread on here this morning where a few people mentioned age gap relationships negatively and then I find myself in a google spiral reading all these horror stories and I freaked. Told him everything and he just said that's that because he can't become younger. I even told my family that I think I need to leave. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

I am potentially about to throw away my family because of random people on the internet talking about my insecurity. Am I insane? I'm sat here just realising the damage I've done today and I feel sick to my stomach.

If you were completely happy and secure in your relationship I very much doubt that just a thread on Mumsnet would change that.

I'd like to think that's true but there's a large number of threads started in here by posters who are feeling fragile at the time and asking for advice about their DH/DP .

Posters on here have no actual insight to their worries and instead of giving advice to a situation they have limited knowledge of , they so often say 'Run for the hills ', LTB , 'Get your ducks in a row' etc. and quite often a few pages later, the OP decides to leave their relationship.

In some cases , such as DV, various types of abuse etc., this might be the right thing to do but surely it can't always be. Extreme advice is often given for some of the problems stated . It's worrying.

Just to keep posters up to speed the op is NOT the same poster as the one yesterday, who has a partner with 4 children. 2 of them only recently emerged.

I'm with a man much younger than me, we've been together for 15 years. I literally could not give a shit what anyone on the internet thinks about that and would never end things because strangers don't think it's right. I didn't end things when people I actually know thought it wouldn't last.

We all live with the fear of the unknown every day, that's life. I suggest you think about the real reasons you don't want to be with him and be honest with yourself.

@AnOverthinker
My mum died at 41, there are no guarantees.
Dad remarried a woman who was 12 years younger than him.

No problems at all.
Yes, he died , and she is still alive, but she said ''Your dad was a good man, and we were very happy''.... for goodness sakes, if your partner is a good man, and you have a child, you'd be nuts to leave because of age gap alone. Especially male older, female younger.
SMH.

@Abi86

I haven’t rtft.

I got together with my now wife when I was 26 and she was 17. Were a lot older now :)

I’m now middle aged but work out regularly and hard and am very fit. Because of that and living a clean life style, I have no health issue. I’m not anticipating any. I expect and hope to live into my 80’s and 90’s in the same frame of mind. She’ll be in her 70’s and 80’s.

With that mentality, I think a 14 year age gap is survivable. If your partner was soft and unfit, he might be starting to suffer health effects in the next decade which would be problematic.

What I’m saying is how you live your life is far More importantly than just the raw number of age. Consider reading "the Lazarus strategy" by Dr Norman Lazarus.

Before she was an adult. Naice

I've not rtft so apologies plus my glasses are downstairs so this will be short

When my mum was 26 she married my dad who was 52. They were together for 19 years until he died and she's never even looked at another man. Me on the other hand, married a man 6 months younger than me and knew I'd screwed up within a week. I also posted on here couple of weeks ago in a panic asking for support and stories about my new relationship which had huge similarities to my marriage, although the issue in question is being dealt with completely differently by new dp.

Every.single.poster told me to run. So in a tearful Face time (we're 150 miles away) I did and knew it was wrong as the words came out of my mouth. We were both so devasted and I ended up apologising for being so bloody stupid and fortunately we're fine. But I could quite easily have ruined my life on the guidance of a bunch of randoms that apparently only see in black and white. If you want recommendations for a travel cot or a recipe for BlackBerry vodka then mumsnet is an amazing place, but some thing as important as the rest of your life has no place being decided on the internet. I nearly learned that the hard way!!

I haven't read the whole thread but basically, you are going to get people who say age is just a number, their/their parents/their friend's age gap relationship worked just fine and those who say they are a disaster and you should run a mile.

What really matters is YOUR relationship, no-one else's. Are you happy? Does he make your life better for being in it? Do you want the same things in life?

My only real experience of age gap relationships is my ex having an affair with a woman 13 years our junior. I found out, made him leave, they gave it a go (they had no choice really) but ultimately, he was 40 with two pre-teen kids and a vasectomy and she was 26/27 with no kids, no responsibilities and, I assume wanting kids at some point in the future. She resented ex for the time he spent with his children (fortunately he is a better father than husband) and it inevitably ended and he is now with someone a few years older than him but at the same life stage.

I think that's what's important....being at a similar stage of life to one another and wanting the same things. Only the two of you can answer that.

If I read something I think is stupid on the Internet I roll my eyes and move on. I forget it instantly. If I read something that resonates with me then i will read on and investigate further.

I am sure that amongst all the horror stories you read about age gap relationships there were other reports of very happy relationships. What is important is that you have focussed on the negative ones. As you explain very clearly they verbalised feelings and doubts you already had but were trying to ignore.

IMO 14 years isn’t much of an age gap at all, it might have been when you were 22 and he was 36 but it’s closing all the time and when he is 66 and you are 52 it will be even smaller. It’s not so huge that he is guaranteed to be a little old man while you are in your magnificent prime. It’s small enough that the roles could easily be reversed.

None of that is important. What’s important is that you regret committing to this man and are uncertain about a long term future with him. That might be down to the age gap or (and I think this is more likely) you have other doubts and are choosing to talk about the unavoidable truth of your different ages rather than tackling other more sensitive or negotiable problems.

It’s very sad that this will impact on a child’s life but I think you know it’s time to end this.

Oh, sorry, not that poster!

All these things that you've read online have brought up worries and insecurities that were already lurking in the background, surely? You'd put them to one side because you were in love and didn't want to confront this reality which is entirely normal.
If you can apologise and then get back to what you were ... that may not happen now but it will always be at the back of his mind.

None of us have a crystal ball so don't be too hard on yourself. Just do the best you can with what you have at your disposal. You may well find bringing up a family without a partner or finding someone younger is still fraught with difficulty - life's like that, I'm afraid. If you can stay on good terms that would be helpful - don't burn all your bridges as life always needs some compromise. Best of luck OP.

@TheSnootiestFox , your reaction to posts in here was what I was trying to say above. So pleased you decided on what you feel is right for you

PPs! THE OP HAS PND. SHE IS UNWELL AND OFF HER MEDS.

SHE IS NOT THE SAME OP AS YESTERDAY.

@AnOverthinker PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE SEEN TODAY

I’m reporting this thread because I don’t think it’s helpful to an obviously fragile OP. @AnOverthinker please post again for support with your MH.

If this is the only issue in your relationship, you need to have a logical look at the situation. Yes, you have an age gap, but there are horror stories and happy endings in all types of relationships.

There is an age gap of less than a month between me and my husband - he is slightly older and for nearly 3 weeks a year, I can wind him up about how old he is. We've been together 30 years.

This year, he nearly became a widower at 48. I was critically ill but recovered (not covid!). In the space of a few hours he went from me being under the weather to the hospital having 24 hours to save my life. Had I died, he would been considered to be widowed very young, yet there was no age gap at all - it would have just been terrible luck.

Instead, he's stuck with me because the NHS was amazing!

My mum is 77 - she has been widowed for 25 years. My Dad was only 5 years older than her. Not a huge gap at all, yet see how much longer lived she is.

None of us know what the future holds. As a race, we don't have a fixed age span. It isn't written in stone that your partner will die 14 years before you because that is the age gap.

This year has shown me that I made the best decision of my life when I married my husband. He's loving, caring, supportive and good to the core. We've had hard times, difficult times even, but my life is so much better for having him in it.

Does my mum regret marrying my dad, because she was widowed so early - hell no! She had a good marriage and the strength to carry on.

You could be sitting at home at 86, celebrating his 100th birthday! Life isn't straight forward - that's what makes it interesting. Look at your relationship. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? Is there anything stopping you? Is there anything you need to resolve that can be resolved - an age gap can't be changed, but it isn't a death sentence!

Ive never accepted the age gap, more ignored it, hidden it from friends, lied about his age to colleagues, for fear of their opinions.

That’s pretty critical. It’s not a thread has made you worry, or random internet strangers. You were already worried and you’ve hidden it repeatedly. It’s disingenuous to suggest you’ve ruined your life because of other people’s opinions. You’ve never dealt with it, you’ve just steadfastly ignored it.

Realistically you stand more chance of your fears coming true because he is 14 years older than you. You have to weigh up whether, to you, the relationship is worth the risk. That’s all anyone can do. All the good and bad stories make no difference because it’s not him and it’s not your life. They’re distractions.

Can you have some time away to properly think about this? It seems cruel to brush it under the carpet again now and carry on, knowing it’s likely to erupt again. It’s time to make your call.

I hope you can sort this out if you ultimately want to stay .
No one knows how long we've got , my elderly late friend had a wife 20 years younger who died from flu complications , he lived the last few years of his life missing her very much.
My husband is 10 years older than me ,he is now 62 , fit as a flea ,looks younger , has a young outlook and is a sex machine !! He is the man i want to spend whatever time we have left together.

Both my sets of grandparents had the same age gap as you. On one side my grandmother died in her early 60s and my grandfather lived for more than a decade after she died. She had the most awful cancer and he found a new purpose in caring for her, which no one had anticipated. Everyone wondered how he would cope without her, but he did really well. He took to cooking and having people round for little supper parties. He was obviously devastated by the loss of the love of his life, but she would have been proud of him and that was what he wanted.

My other grandparents were not so happily married. My grandfather was a lovely gentleman. Softly spoken, unerringly polite. He was blind and frail for the last decade of his life and she had no patience for that so he moved to a home near us. She outlived him by 20 years, so all in all she lived without him for about 30 years, which suited her and suited him. He was much happier once he wasn't being criticised for his disabilities on a daily basis.

The moral of the story: Enjoy now. You don't know what is around the corner. You don't know who will outlive whom. As long as you are supportive of each other then you will be OK. If you don't love your husband enough to support him if he becomes frail then you should leave him now because he deserves to be with someone who does.

If the matter is purely on age , than maybe you have acted hastily- that said nothing you have done cant be undone. Just take a deep breath and while your fears are legitimate to you maybe all you need is some reassurance about the future from him.
Off course if there are other issues ( which some posters have mentioned) maybe other courses of actions are required.

Our friend is with a lady 13 years younger than him. They have had a child and are planning another. They are both very happy. Be happy. It is no good worrying about the potentially very long term. Who know's what can happen in between?

This is a strange thread, however I think your genuine.

You seem to be in a irrational blind panick. Maybe you should talk through this with a professional.

There isn’t a higher chance of you becoming a young widow just because his older. Whose to say he won’t outlive you?

@butterpuffed

Totally Agree with this.
Thee seems a sizeable amount of commentators who post that an OP's DH is abusive, cheating and all sorts on the most frivolous ( or none at all) information.
The intent seems to be to find the man guilty of something and break up the relationship.
This is pure vindictiveness and harms the person who needs the support