Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

[Qwertybertie87]

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

If ever there was an argument for forced sterilisation this is it. For both of them.

I agree that I would be surprised if this man tries to get your sister to have a baby with him. He might convince her to move to his town and try and bypass SS. At the booking international it’s easy for a pregnant women to lie and say she hasn’t had SS involvement before, hasn’t had a child before, etc. They normally get caught out but they might try and fool everyone.

For SS to have acted so quickly and decisively, and for her to be allowed supervised access only I would say that this man’s crimes must have been extremely bad.

And I have no idea why people are trying to rationalise this behaviour. Anyone who chooses a paedophile over their own child is a despicable person and doesn’t deserve to even see their child again let alone have supervised access.

She would be dead to me and I would never speak to her again.

And no, I don’t think she should be able to prove herself to get the child back. If she’d cared about the child she wouldn’t have given him up for a paedophile in the first place. She clearly cares more about her sex life than her child, and shows so little judgement that this can IMO never be compensated for.

And I don’t give a shit whether she had an a difficult childhood. Plenty of people have horrible childhoods, they don’t go on to neglect their children or give them to paedophiles.

And somehow I don’t imagine people would be trying to justify this if she was a man.

I am so sorry OP. I fear you are in for more heartbreak and head scratching before this is over. All you can do to save your own sanity is be a friend to your sisters ex and be the Auntie that baby needs. I understand how devastating this must be for you and your whole family. Your hands are tied though with your sister... leave her to it other wise you will make yourself ill. She will do her own thing whatever you say or do so save your breath there. I doubt there is anything any of us could say to understand this situation,,, I am so so sorry I genuinely am.

There are plenty of paedophiles out there who will deliberately search for someone like your sister. Vulnerable, from a shitty background with little family support. These animals know that women like this can be groomed easily and they get access to children this way. A shocking high percentage of child sexual abuse is committed by step fathers.

Your DN has had an incredibly lucky escape. I'd be working with his dad to ensure permanent full custody is granted to his dad and try to agree some sort of visitation with DN.

Your sister will either wake up one day and realise what a dreadful mistake she's made, or she'll keep having children only for them to be removed at birth. Some women go on to do this multiple times. I'm so sorry this is a shock but I'd commit to DN 100% and move on from trying to have a relationship with your sister

Missing contact for a spray tan could be a protective thing - it is bound to be, I would think, very traumatic and distressing being allowed to see your DSon supervised and for a short allowed time. Easier on DSis to find an excuse not to go at all.

Missing contact for a spray tan could be a protective thing - it is bound to be, I would think, very traumatic and distressing being allowed to see your DSon supervised and for a short allowed time. Easier on DSis to find an excuse not to go at all. bollocks. It was within her abilities to change that fact. If she loved the child she would have stopped seeing the man, after all he’s only been in her life for a matter of weeks.

People really need to stop justifying this woman’s behaviour. There is no justification.

Yes, a difficult childhood might lead to some issues growing up, but that shouldn’t automatically be assumed. My DP was physically, emotionally and sexually abused as a child (the sexual abuse was at the hands of his mother) he and all his siblings were removed into the care system. And it is horrendous the amount of people who are happy to say in front of him that obviously someone who has been abused is likely to go on to become an abuser etc.

If he did the door wouldn’t hit his arse on the way out, and I certainly wouldn’t be saying “he had a bad childhood, he must be suffering, perfectly understandable that he reacted this way...

If the sister wanted to keep her child she could have. She chose not to.

@Qwertybertie87

The only thing I can think of is that she's quite immature sometimes, nothing seems to anger her, she's so laid back she's almost horizontal. I'm 5 years older than her and took on a sort of mothering role when we were growing up as our own mother was either drunk or in her bed with a hangover. We were fed and had clean clothes etc but no real mothering to speak of.

I don't think she's laid back as much as entirely dissociated.

I don't think it's a question of making excuses for someone. I think it's people trying to find reasons, for the OP, why her sister is behaving so weirdly.

Life is not a series of switches marked 'right' and 'wrong'. OF COURSE the OP's sister should not be looking after the baby but people might want to think about how it might feel to be the sister of someone behaving like this, having had the same upbringing as you; having been your 'first friend'. Clearly this is not someone in her right mind and the idea of 'going no contact' with the only person who understands your own traumatic childhood is not an easy decision nor necessarily the right one.

OP, I hope you're ok. This is really shit for you.

Sorry for the delayed response, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to talk to me. I'm on my way over to DN paternal grandparents just now so I'll update later on. Thanks again x

So she’s putting a relationship with a paedo before her baby boy all because she can’t bare the status of walking around with a bloke draped off her arm. That’s all it boils down. I don’t know wether I’m sickened or wether to feel sorry for her. She can’t have much self esteem.
Also she missed 2 visits one for her cat and another for a spray tan. This poor little boy seems to way down the list of her priorities.

If they have a baby, report them to SS. Any child they have should be taken.

She is committing herself to a life of having her children ripped from her. Sounds like she doesn't care though tbh. Awful.

Support the father, keep contact with DS. Tell sister you will be here for her if she ever really needs you but that she will be having no physical contact with you or your children so long as she is with the child molester.

I just had a thought, are other family members and her friends aware of what he is and why her son was removed? In case he tries to use her to get access to their children, pushes her into offering to babysit or whatever.

How’s awful. She sounds like she’s been manipulated. Is she usually quite gullible or naive?

@negomi90

If the child is with dad and dad remains a decent parent, then its not a social services decision to move him back to mum in the future, its not the same as taking out of foster care and back to mum. This child is not in care, he is with a parent with parental responsibility. If social services give the OK, then mum will have to apply to the courts for access (like every other separated parent in a custody battle). Its highly unlikely a family court judge will move the child from a stable parent to mum, though they may give increasing visitation.

Yes exactly this.

Your sister will need to prove to a judge that she is no longer in this relationship, and that she understands the potential harm she was putting her son at risk of, before any unsupervised contact would be considered.

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb

So there is a man out there that is a convicted pedophile who is seeking out relationships with women with children. He is such a threat that when the authorities find out instead of putting the man in prison they remove the child. Possibly damaging the child for life. Obviously your sister had failed in the very basic duty as a mother to protect her baby but it’s the baby that’s really being punished here.

This. In an ideal world ANY man convicted of these offences should be banned from having relationships with parents of under 18 year olds and banged up at the first sniff of trying to form them. Absolutely, their sex lives should be policed.

You sister is under the man's influence, it happens all the time. Folk like him are devious and extremely plausible, all sorts of people whom you 'd imagine would know better are convinced of their innocence.

Just hope your sister doesn't become pregnant again before she gets wise to him.

There's nothing you can do except be there for your nephew and his dad, and for your sister.

He is such a threat that when the authorities find out instead of putting the man in prison they remove the child. Possibly damaging the child for life.
To be fair, they remove the child when the mother prioritises the paedophile over the child.
She bears complete responsibility. She had a choice, the child did not.

Too difficult to police. And who wants them in society anyway. Just lock them up and throw away the key after castrating them.

@BlackSwan

Too difficult to police. And who wants them in society anyway. Just lock them up and throw away the key after castrating them.

If only but it will never happen, the UK is too soft on some of its criminals and too harsh on others.

Hope you're doing OK OP

So sad OP.