Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

[Qwertybertie87]

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

[HermioneWeasley]

You can’t help her and she’s not trustworthy. I certainly wouldn’t ever let her near my kids again

[BananaPop2020]

@Qwertybertie87, given what you have said, all you can do it let this run its course and be there to pick up the pieces, as awful as it sounds.

[AintPageantMaterial]

If you can have any kind of civil conversation with her ( and I know it would be near impossible), it might be sensible to point out to her that social services would remove any other children she might have. She needs long acting contraception. If you could get her on the implant or coil, you would have done a useful thing.

[AstiniMartini]

Perhaps tell your sis to make sure she takes contraception.

These people groom single and vulnerable women and trap them like this. P

[worked in a domestic violence charity for 5 years and this was a pattern]

[WildAboutMyPlanet]

I would definitely be concerned about grooming. If this is out of character for her then something is up. Can you spend some time alone with her and try and dig to find out what is going on?

[AstiniMartini]

Oh- and loads and loads of women put paedophiles above tbeir own children. hard as it is to imagine. The paedophiles were always the victims, were always mis-judged, or have always changed.

[Aknifewith16blades]

OP, I'd be thinking in terms of her being groomed by her partner, and also in terms of her being vulnerable due to trauma/ having a rough time when you were growing up.

None of that is an excuse and none of that means she should be sheltered from the fallout of her choices, but it might give some explanation.

I'm glad your DN is safe and sorry things are so tough.

[popsydoodle4444]

Who choses a bloke over their child?,I've never understood this.Keep in touch with your DN's dad and go NC with your sister;you don't want SS turning up on your doorstep over concerns that your sister's boyfriend might be around if you're still seeing her.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.Good luck

[BananaPop2020]

@AstiniMartini totally agree with you, it is astounding what people are prepared to overlook.

[EternalBeloved]

A very distant relative of mine got with a man with a similar horrible desire for children, her children were utterly failed by the system and suffered years of abuse at his hand. I truly hope your sister sees sense, but also glad SS stepped in before your DN had to spend time with this monster.

[KeepOnMovingForwards]

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this

You can't. She has prioritised a sex offender and a fucking spray tan over her son.
No doubt he's fed her a load of bollocks about his offence, minimising it and making all the excuses in the book. It's their MO.
Thank goodness that your nephew has his father, and you in his life.

[AstiniMartini]

Op- it is likely as well that SS will contact you as they will want to do an assessment of the extended family. To guage familial support and to see what there is inside the family if things go belly up. I would only say that you should engage and cooperate with them and your DN's ex and be involved. You clearly have the right beliefs and love for your DN. It will help for social services to know you are there and supportive etc.

Best of luck.

[BlackSwan]

Thank goodness for social services. Frightening situation.

[tornadoalley]

Please tell your sister that if she gets together with this BF and has a child with him, the baby will be taken into care immediately. If she insists on staying with him, tell her to ensure she has good contraception. There will be no hesitation on the part of SS and it will be taken at birth.

[Poppinjay]

It sounds like your nephew is better off without her in his life at the moment so I wouldn't be pushing her to see him.

[Aquamarine1029]

Keep in touch with your DN's dad and go NC with your sister; you don't want SS turning up on your doorstep over concerns that your sister's boyfriend might be around if you're still seeing her.

Agree wholeheartedly. I wouldn't take even the slightest risk that SS becomes involved with my family. This horrible man must be a real piece of work for SS to have gotten involved so quickly and decisively.

[IWantT0BreakFree]

If you can have any kind of civil conversation with her ( and I know it would be near impossible), it might be sensible to point out to her that social services would remove any other children she might have.

I came on to say this ^

It sounds as though your sister is a vulnerable person having survived a traumatic upbringing and has been targeted and groomed by this paedophile solely because she is a particularly vulnerable single mother. I don't think that the paedophile will move on just because your nephew has been removed from the home. I think he can see that his grooming of your sister has been too successful for him to 'throw it away' if you like. I think he will be convincing her to have a baby with him as a next step. And your sister will do it.

It sounds like you are doing all you can and you're very fortunate that DN's father is so supportive of you having a relationship. That's great. I don't think you will get through to your sister by making accusations or telling home truths about her "partner" at this point. Anything you say will just be "evidence" that he is misunderstood/everyone is out to get him etc. In your shoes I'd tell her I was there if/when she needed me and make sure she knows that she can always knock at my door for support and help, but that for now my focus would be on my nephew who has just gone through the trauma of being removed from his primary carer.

I wouldn't be surprised if in 8/9 months time SS are asking if you can take in her new baby who they've just removed from her at birth.

[Inkpaperstars]

Has your sister shown signs of being at all like this before? It is such extreme behaviour, I am finding it hard to see how someone with normal priorities could suddenly change like this.

[SoulofanAggron]

She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now {...} once because she was getting a spray tan done.

WTF? Sounds like she's completely lost the plot.

[AstiniMartini]

Yes agree.

paedophiles who target single mothers seem to like breeding their own next victim.

It is a pattern. And otherwise sensible women fall for it and will fight and fight and fight for their man.

[Mrsmadevans]

@BananaPop2020

Sounds like she has been thoroughly groomed.

Yes most definitely .

[drcrudrd]

Paedophiles are extremely, extremely manipulative. He is probably acting as the love your dsis never had, the amazing once in a lifetime true love, and that (false) feeling of being loved has overtaken and intoxicated her and swamped all other thoughts and feelings, including the normal feelings of love and nurturing she had about her own child. She is in great danger and her child will be terribly hurt if this continues - her child will not be better off until he gets her back as she was. I would do all you can to break the hold the man has over her, keep on at her, get other people involved to try to talk to her, get her away from him. Do a list of all the things you and others could do to get her away from him and keep trying, keep talking sense to her.

[Qwertybertie87]

The only thing I can think of is that she's quite immature sometimes, nothing seems to anger her, she's so laid back she's almost horizontal. I'm 5 years older than her and took on a sort of mothering role when we were growing up as our own mother was either drunk or in her bed with a hangover. We were fed and had clean clothes etc but no real mothering to speak of.

[Frownette]

@Inkpaperstars

Has your sister shown signs of being at all like this before? It is such extreme behaviour, I am finding it hard to see how someone with normal priorities could suddenly change like this.

I thought that as well although OP said not.

Can her ex partner shed any light on it?

[Aquamarine1029]

Do you think your sister might be using drugs?