Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

[Qwertybertie87]

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

[JacktomyDaniel]

Are you sure there aren't drugs involved? Literally the only reason I could think of that would explain the sudden change.

[SleepingStandingUp]

How old is she op?

[GreekOddess]

This is tough for you but you need to support your nephew and his father.

Don't waste any time or tears on your sister she's chosen a sex offender over her son and is as skanky as him. I would cut her out of my life in your shoes.

[Inappropriatefemale]

@JacktomyDaniel

Are you sure there aren't drugs involved? Literally the only reason I could think of that would explain the sudden change.

This and her traumatic childhood catching up, I think some people assume that a bad childhood would be dealt with by the time your at least 25 but the brain copes with trauma in mysterious ways, it’s a wonderful thing the mind, but it fucks us up lots of the time too, imagine if had the power to use the whole of our brains and not just the small percentage of it that we can just now...

[Inappropriatefemale]

@Didkdt

Dissociative doesn't mean she should get her son back.
That's not the best environment for him especially if his father is around and his mother makes choices like this

I don’t think anyone has said that she should get the child back but once he is out of her system and she has therapy and proves herself over 3 years then she can get him back, when the bio parent has the child removed from their care and child goes to another family member, then the SS gives parents 3 years to get yourself together, dependant on the circumstances, at least that’s what happened to me, but she will get some leeway due to her childhood and her obvious vulnerability, OP I know what your sister is doing is both shocking and sad all at once, then I do feel a great deal of empathy for her, it just goes to show how close to the edge she actually was for this man to get into her brain so quickly, it’s scary as hell.

[Inappropriatefemale]

Life and system I meant

[Londonmummy66]

I'm so sorry to hear this and I hope your DN is OK. It sounds to me as if he is in the safest place for him at the moment and that you are doing the best you can in supporting him and his dad. Just keep doing what you can.

[Alwaysinpain]

Holy bejesus.

Sounds like the little boy is better off without her!

[LouiseTrees]

@Qwertybertie87

When she said she missed a contact session because she was getting a spray tan I said to her is that all you've got to bother you is getting a spray tan and she said well I might as well make the most of it seeing as I don't need babysitters. Her and the boyfriend were going out for dinner and drinks. My husband wants to strangle this boyfriend. My heads so confused with all this.

Your sister is a narcissist.

[LouiseTrees]

@Qwertybertie87

Bananapop2020 that's what I'm scared about too

I honestly don’t think so. I mean fair enough the grooming would make her potentially choose the partner above the child but choosing to miss a contact session for a spray tan, that’s on her.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

when the bio parent has the child removed from their care and child goes to another family member, then the SS gives parents 3 years to get yourself together, dependant on the circumstances
I very much doubt that's a universal policy. The child is with his father. Why should his halfwit mother be given three years to sort her shit and then swan back in?!

[ZoeCM]

It seems to me that when a child is removed from their mother, it's usually because she either has a drink/drug problem or has chosen a dangerous man over them. One of the social workers involved with the Baby Peter case said the public underestimates how many mothers like Tracy Connelly are out there. Some women are terrified by the thought of being single.

[powershowerforanhour]

If she wants a concrete example get her to google Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets.

[ivykaty44]

Sadly adults get groomed & possibly this is what is happening with your sister?

Take a step back & concentrate on your family and DN

[catnoir1]

Wtf.

Has this bf moved in with her? That's shocking she's picked a paedo over her son. I hope you get through to her in a last conversation. I would be NC.

[Inappropriatefemale]

@Thisismytimetoshine

when the bio parent has the child removed from their care and child goes to another family member, then the SS gives parents 3 years to get yourself together, dependant on the circumstances
I very much doubt that's a universal policy. The child is with his father. Why should his halfwit mother be given three years to sort her shit and then swan back in?!

I didn’t say it was but it’s quite common and as she has been a normal good mum in the past (if she hasn’t have been then OP would have said) then they know that she is most likely reacting to her childhood, it’s not as simple or as black and white as her being a halfwit, she is a victim of his grooming and manipulation and the social work will recognise this, she will have to prove herself with supervised visits etc first, I’m only giving my opinion!

[Inkpaperstars]

So she says he didn't do it...she can't know that and most mothers wouldn't care, they would not take the risk. In fact even in they knew for a fact the allegations were false, by this point most mothers would have said sorry but you need to go so I can keep my child. Any man who was innocent or decent would insist on leaving rather than see the mother separated from her child. You should challenge on this, ask her how she can possibly think there in a good chance multiple convictions were all faulty? Ask her why she would take the risk of allowing anyone even suspected of that around her child? Ask her why, even if a man was innocent, he would be put above her child? And why would a decent man who loved her accept that?

What will happen here is that she will likely never get custody of her son again and any future child with this man will be removed at birth, and won't have a loving father to go to instead. This guy will fuck her over and leave her washed up, alone and even more damaged. She is either having a mental crisis of extraordinary proportions, or that is exactly what she deserves.

Reading between the lines of what you say and how you are reacting to this behaviour, I think it's the latter. Sorry OP. I would have to have one showdown conversation with her, then I would cut contact for as long as she continues to see this man. You need to be well out of it and focus on being there for your own dc and your dn.

[Valkadin]

The post about you doing the mothering resonated with me. My Mother had a breakdown when widowed. I was 13 and younger sis was 9, stepfather had been an abusive alcoholic so I was pleased when he died. I took on the caring, household chores and sorting out money issues. My sister has had a string of really horrible men in her life. She has remained extremely childlike. My therapist said traumatised children often sort of freeze and remain that age emotionally as adults.

[Inappropriatefemale]

I have heard of worse stories than this where the parent gets the kids back, in Thats Life and Take A Break mags then I’ve read stories where the mother was abused by her father or grandfather and when she grows up and has a kid, then the abuser will tell her sorry for what he did to her and convince her that he has changed, and she believes it, then starts allowing them to babysit her child and you can guess what happens, these mothers get their kids back! To us non abused folks it’s unbelievable and good old fashion sense would prevail to us and we wouldn’t be as ‘stupid’ as to allow our abusers to watch our kids, but an abused mind is very different to that of non abused minds, it’s fucked up but sadly, all too true.

^^i know that not all victims of abuse would allow their abuser to watch their kids but the above are examples of cases I’ve read about.

[negomi90]

If the child is with dad and dad remains a decent parent, then its not a social services decision to move him back to mum in the future, its not the same as taking out of foster care and back to mum.
This child is not in care, he is with a parent with parental responsibility.
If social services give the OK, then mum will have to apply to the courts for access (like every other separated parent in a custody battle). Its highly unlikely a family court judge will move the child from a stable parent to mum, though they may give increasing visitation.

[WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC]

So sorry op.

I'd assume she actually doesn't want to take care of her baby anymore and this situation enables her to get out of mum life in a way that she can pretend isnt her fault. I have an acquaintance who did something similar, she was also "laid back" - in fact she was just disconnected from reality in a very odd way where she could lie to herself blithely and without a second thought.

The bairn may be better off without her tbh. As sad and horrible as that sounds.

[DameHannahRelf]

She missed her contact time to get a spray tan done?

It sounds like your DN will be better off without her in his life. Awful, the poor kid

[DameHannahRelf]

Op if she does get pregnant, please ring SS yourself and explain the situation, in case she tries to lie that this baby isn't his/won't be in his or her life/is out of the picture. God forbid any dc by this monster would "slip through the net" so to speak.

[DameHannahRelf]

Sorry I forgot to add, one of my friends did that, only her ex wasn't a pedo, but abusive towards her, split her lip etc. She had one dc removed when he was tiny, as she was neglecting him to be with this bloke. Lied when she got pregnant again, swore blind she was done with him for good this time etc. Was she fuck, was still seeing him as regularly as ever and taking the baby to see him, she ended up neglecting that baby too, and let baby witness all sorts of abuse. Her mother ended up reporting her, and she had that dc removed too.

[Hangingover]

How awful OP! Sounds like BIL and DN are better without her.