Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

[Qwertybertie87]

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

[Griefmonster]

In any case, I am so sorry for you OP. As others have said, keeping contact with you DN and his father will be the best use of your energy.

If your mum drank a lot while pregnant there can be quite significant damage through Feotal Alcohol Syndrome Your sister could well have significant brain damage as well as trauma related behavioural issues.

Take care

[Heffalooomia]

She sounds extremely vulnerable
I agree, I dont mean to excuse her behaviour but she has been groomed and manipulated, predators have had years to fine tune their radar, he will be looking for a nice 'prize/treat' to compensate him for his imprisonments and arrests.
I dont know what the answer is but this at least is something
they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one

[Qwertybertie87]

I am reading everyone's replies and will reply properly soon, just sorting out my wee girls things for school tomorrow x

[UniversalAunt]

‘Please tell your sister that if she gets together with this BF and has a child with him, the baby will be taken into care immediately. If she insists on staying with him, tell her to ensure she has good contraception. There will be no hesitation on the part of SS and it will be taken at birth.’

This is factually correct

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Plenty of men seem like doting fathers and then suddenly turn their backs on their children when a new flame offers a fun life without the responsibility.

I’m not sure why there should be an assumption she’s been groomed and it’s sad for her and she is less responsible for the choices she’s made.

What does being “groomed” mean when applied to an adult in a situation like this?

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

I wouldn't do anything to help your sister.......just count your nephews lucky stars that he's been one of the ones to escape early before any damage was done. Living with his dad is the right thing for him, your sister can take care of her own welfare. You can be there when and if she sees the light but other than that it's up to her.

[Qwertybertie87]

I can honestly see her getting pregnant by this guy, I think she really would be that stupid. She doesn't seem to miss DN at all, in fact she said she's enjoying the peace and quiet. I think for my own sanity I'm just going to need to leave her to get on with it and focus on my nephew and my own family. And yes, there are women out there who will put their children second just so they can have a man in their bed.

[Handsoffisback]

Oh I know drcrudrd it just makes me so bloody angry that these monsters are destroying innocent little lives.

[Thehollyandtheirony]

If my sister did this, I wouldn’t be kind to her. She’d get the brutal, ugly truth and then I’d cut contact until she came to her senses.
Focus your energy on the innocent child and supporting his father.

[happytoday73]

OP just a quick note to send you some 💐🍷
Some good advice on here

So sorry, but so glad the dad is on the scene

[Porridgeoat]

Suspect your sisters been groomed too

Support the nephew. Be part of his life

[FizzyGreenWater]

She's enjoying the peace and quiet?!

OP, there is something hugely wrong here and I'd lay bets it's got it's roots in the parenting she (and you) received, and yes I think that's clearly part and parcel of a very likely abusive/grooming relationship... BUT the main fact remains that she isn't fit to have residency of your DN and he is better off with his father.

Her reactions are showing you that even if she did a 180 tomorrow and was begging and panicking to be with her son that wouldn't change. She isn't fit to have him.

Put your energies for now into supporting dad, and demonstrating to him that you are on HIS side... no matter how good he is being his alert will be up for any understandable softening on your part, as her sister.

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

@Griefmonster
Being with his loving father is not a punishment but a child being taken away from their main caregiver at such a young age can have long lasting effects.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

@Qwertybertie87

When she said she missed a contact session because she was getting a spray tan I said to her is that all you've got to bother you is getting a spray tan and she said well I might as well make the most of it seeing as I don't need babysitters. Her and the boyfriend were going out for dinner and drinks. My husband wants to strangle this boyfriend. My heads so confused with all this.

What do you think you could do to change her?! The child is far better off out of that, poor little sod.

[mrsBtheparker]

The baby's in the best place, hopefully it can become permanent as she clearly couldn't care less. Whatever happens with the boyfriend it would be wrong to subject her baby to her 'care'.

[MadameBlobby]

Sadly your sister is an arsehole. There’s not much you can do. At least your nephew has his dad and an auntie who care about him x

[Inappropriatefemale]

It seems like in a way then her abusive childhood is catching up with her and sometimes someone can be okay after an abusive childhood and if they don’t get proper therapy to deal with it, then years later, they can do something that is totally off the charts to how they normally are, it’s really shocking to see it happen but most of what we do as adults is related to our childhoods, some folks never go off the rails but when there has been more than one kid in a family who has suffered from an abusive childhood then one or all of their kids, can eventually go ‘off their heads’ so to speak and this is exactly what sounds like has happened to
Your sister.

This guy must be a master manipulator and she has been well and truly groomed, the thing is is that he was possibly only with her for access to her kids and he will know that there is no way in hell she is getting them
back so he may either disappear for good, or get her to pretend to them he has, then he will fuck off for a while then come back later, there is nothing you can do except be there for her ex and his kids which are your family members.

[Heffalooomia]

having seen off her child by another man I would be concerned that this predator will persuade her to have his baby

[Inappropriatefemale]

@Heffalooomia

having seen off her child by another man I would be concerned that this predator will persuade her to have his baby

Oh god it would get taken off of her at birth.

[TenDays]

How heartbreaking. Your priority here is your DN and it sounds as if he is being very well looked after, well done.

I'd suggest that any contact you consider having with your DS, and anything that goes on at all around her, is run by your BiL first.

Keep him well in the loop. He has been very sensible and understanding so far but if he thinks you are likely to relent and let DS and the paedo BF get close he'll whisk DN out of your lives. Don't risk any crossed wires or communication breakdowns.

[Heffalooomia]

yes I think he has deliberately created a 'vacancy' ....he manipulated her into dismissing her own child, now he will manipulate her into having a replacement child with him

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"The only thing I can think of is that she's quite immature sometimes, nothing seems to anger her, she's so laid back she's almost horizontal."
I always wonder about people described like this. It doesn't say 'calm' to me, it says 'numb' . And 'numb' says 'traumatised and hiding from the trauma'.

This could be your sister's childhood catching up on her. She's gone through life to date numb, maybe a little disconnected? This manipulative paedophile has known how to connect and 'un-numb' her (has undoubtedly done it before hence SS knowing of him) and now she is totally putting her numbing past traumatic life behind her and - literally - throwing the baby out with the bathwater .

I wonder if she sees her past life/motherhood as being someone else's life.

I think all you can do is let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. He might keep his claws in her for a while, but if it doesn't get him access to children he'll presumably move on.

[Heffalooomia]

she talks about this as if she's lost a cat or something, it's as if it doesn't really matter
or as if she had 'dissociated'

[yolio]

I don't know what to think about this. Probably less said the better in the long run.

[Didkdt]

Dissociative doesn't mean she should get her son back.
That's not the best environment for him especially if his father is around and his mother makes choices like this