Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

[Qwertybertie87]

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

[Unsure33]

I know someone like this that also was told by ss and every member of the family that a guy was bad news . Her two children were removed as well . She was infatuated. She came to her senses eventually but in between got pregnant by him . It turns out he now has 4 children ( she did not know he had other children) he is banned from seeing and it has ruined her life really. But she just would not listen for months .luckily her other children are now back with her.

[ColleagueFromMars]

Do you think she could be on drugs now? Alcohol? Has he got some kind of magician's curse on her??

[Soontobe60]

I believe your ds has well and truly been groomed by this man. It’s par for the course for paedophiles. I actually feel she will need your support because her world is going to come crashing down around her at some point. Your nephew should have some relationship with her as much as possible and maybe you could help here.
You clearly love her, and want to help her. Please don’t burn your bridges with her.

[Handsoffisback]

Your sister doesn’t sound fit to be anywhere near her own child. Women they prioritise the needs of their latest fancy, or any abusive man for that matter, make me sick. She doesn’t deserve her son and SS will take very seriously that she has missed contact sessions for trips to the vet and spray tans 🤦🏽‍♀️. You must be going out of your mind OP. Heartbreaking for that little boy, but he sounds better off with Dad.

[Handsoffisback]

*that prioritise not ‘they’

[AnyFucker]

If your sister is stupid enough to get pregnant with this man the child will be removed at birth

[lunar1]

I wonder if she has had some kind of bang to the head, is there anyone who could convince her to go to the GP.

I've worked with people with brain damage for over 20 years and her cold attitude to the removal of her child is reminiscent of many patients I've had with frontal lobe damage.

It's just seems so extreme to go from a loving mother to this so quickly.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Something is clearly not right with your sister.

You describe her as essentially almost entirely passive. Has she always been like that?

Does she have learning disabilities or depression, or both, or any other history of mental health issues? I ask because you say she enjoyed looking after her baby but is behaving as though she's lost a cat and it doesn't really matter. Your posts about her make it sound as though she genuinely doesn't really understand what's going on.

[Handsoffisback]

I have to say, I find all the stuff about a grown woman with a child rather irritating and an excuse. Some women are just pathetic and can not be without a man. I know someone who moved a man in and said man abused her daughter for 4 years before he was found out. Within 6 months of him being arrested, she had moved her and her daughter in with someone else! This wasn’t some dopey down and out, she is a professional with a job that requires her to have safeguarding checks, yet didn’t see the harm in moving her distressed and vulnerable daughter in with another strange man. Desperate, pathetic women, get a grip and put your kids first fgs!

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

lunar1 may have it actually.

[Handsoffisback]

That should say ‘a grown woman and mother being groomed an excuse’

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

She is a shit mother.

All you can do now is accept that this is the case, remind her that you will be there when she ready to start afresh, and maintain the relationship you have with your nephew.

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

So there is a man out there that is a convicted pedophile who is seeking out relationships with women with children. He is such a threat that when the authorities find out instead of putting the man in prison they remove the child. Possibly damaging the child for life.
Obviously your sister had failed in the very basic duty as a mother to protect her baby but it’s the baby that’s really being punished here.

[Handsoffisback]

It’s madness isn’t it shouldwe. They should be locked up for life on the first offence, no excuses.

[drcrudrd]

They should be locked up for life on the first offence, no excuses there isn't sufficient space. There isn't sufficient police man power to follow up all the known accessing of child sexual exploitation images and videos. It is a huge, huge problem which is getting steadily bigger.

[Metothee]

This is shocking. Unless she has some sort of special needs it's simply unforgivable. There's no way I would never speak to my sister again if she put a paedophile above her own child.

[OrangeCinnamon1]

Im so sorry @Qwertybertie87 this reminds me of a documentary I saw once where it transpired that the mother was so obsessed with her online relationship that she neglected her child. I think it was fatal in that case. It transpired there were indeed mental health issues.

[Splendidseptember]

Op there are no words you can say to make her change her mind, the more you rail against her the more she will dig in.

I'd back off totally.

Concentrate on your nephew and the dad... Be positive, supportive... Lower your expectations 📴 your ds.

She sounds extremely vulnerable... She's not capable of anything right now. Be kind if she phones.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Sounds like a difficult situation op

[Ihatesandwiches]

Just adding to the stream of posters suggesting she may be been 'groomed'. It sounds like this has occurred during Lockdown when many of us have not been at our best and been more sensitive. I don't know of any groups working with adults but have a look at Sophie's Choice and see if they have any ideas. No sane, rational woman would allow herself to be in this position. Her behaviour has changed so much, there has to be a cause. Be it grooming, depression, addiction or any number of mental health conditions. Remember to be kind to yourself. You can only help when you are well x

[Griefmonster]

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb I get what you mean but the child is with his father. I can't see it as punishment of the child to be with an actively responsible and loving parent.

That said, I don't understand why sentences for such crimes don't include some kind of ban on living with children. Then he could be recalled to prison as soon as he attempts a relationship with a mother. He must have some degree of monitoring if SS were alerted?

[Didkdt]

Your sister is on a very fast track slippery slope to permanently loosing the care of her son. AND she deserves it.
Grooming and brain damage are stuff and nonsense. Groomed teens can make amazing mothers and brain damaged women are often still desperate to care for their baby. She's got to show she can make choices in the best interests of her son but she won't, it's actually really fortunate not a tragedy that the baby can live with his dad.
You can't help her.

[ktp100]

I'm afraid I'd have to tell her your door is open WHEN she comes to her senses but while she's shunning her own child for a paedophile I'd have to go NC.

The thought of a woman sleeping with a man who's been convicted of sexual abuse of a minor AND having child porn is literally sickening.

Leave her to it. All she cares about is him now.

[MidnightCitrus]

Remember to let her know that if she ever needs you, that you will not judge her

Abusers will do their best to isolate their victims, and even if you are angry with her current actions, you would still regret it if she was not able to escape him when/if she comes to her senses

[Frownette]

@lunar1

I wonder if she has had some kind of bang to the head, is there anyone who could convince her to go to the GP.

I've worked with people with brain damage for over 20 years and her cold attitude to the removal of her child is reminiscent of many patients I've had with frontal lobe damage.

It's just seems so extreme to go from a loving mother to this so quickly.

Can this be picked up on by scan even months later?