Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

@noheatwaveplease

The op can visit her parents with her kids, but also manage them with her partner as their parents, be it together in turns, or with paid child care, like millions of people.

Well...yeah. What do you think I am doing?!

As I said to a PP, I guess some of us just move in different circles to people like you 🤷‍♀️ The vast majority of people I know genuinely do get a lot parental help. I guess that isn't your experience, but plenty on this thread have said the same.

My mum sees my aunt every week, I don't know what goes through her head when she hears her talk about having her DGC overnight and if she ever thinks "hang on, you have yours every week but I've never offered to have my own DGC overnight, not once, not ever".

I presume though that your cousin hasn't chosen to live 5 hours away? And is also available to support her parents, and your aunt.

You know give as well as take. So how often do you just support your parents? Say get and do things for them. At 5 hours away not much!
That's what relationships are - give and take.
Their role is not to parent when you decide to to visit.

Fwiw, if I ever needed child, outside of covid, all of my family would be happy to have my lo. My parents love their relationship and on many occasions, my parents would have collected from school just because and have taken home for their favourite dinner etc.
BUT, we have a close relationship. I have at my house for lunch, a cuppa, meal etc. We go out together for activities. I run errands for them. I buy things for them. So for example throughout covid because we're both shielding I would online shop for them etc.

So yes, I think yabu. This isn't about a relationship. It's about you having a break-we'll you opted to have 2 children so that's your issue to manage. If so concerned relocate back and actually pick up your side of the relationship. Rather than being so self centred.

@solomummy you've misread, it's my in laws who live 5 hours away...

With DS1 my folks would have him for a few days/week in the holidays. They were much younger ( in their 40's) and ran a club so was way to have him around

With DS2 they are much older and have said they are too old for him now and keep repeating so I've known not to ask. I did once retort " good job Grandma didn't think that"

My GP's were 60/65 when they had to take care of me and my brother and we lived with them for 8 years, so there is an element of... you had all this help but you're saying YOU are too old

Mine never helped at all. I ended up not speaking to them for three years as I got to the end of my rope with their disinterest. My mother was planning for grandchildren from when I was 16 but when they actually arrived, she wasn't really interested. Just critical and unsupportive. Not all parents are great grandparents.

My parents and in laws were too old to provide help but they have always been very loving and showed an interest in their grandchildren. However, despite my in-laws living quite near us, they never ever visit us, even if invited, and as a result it grates a bit that we have to make the effort to ensure that the relationship is still there.

Some friends with younger parents did get help with childcare for work purposes, but I don't know anyone whose parents regularly had their children overnight, or who babysat regularly so that they could have a night out.

I haven't read the replies but I bet you've got lots of it's up to them comments. Which yes of course it is. However, I do think it's a mighty shame if grandparents aren't too fussed with grandchildren, not just for their own relationship with them, but largely like you say as help for you. Having children is hard, it takes a village don't they say. We've never really had the day to day childcare help as we live away from most family, but we've had tons of help in school holidays, weekends that kind of thing. I honestly don't know how we'd cope without it. We aren't as close to my dad and MIL for various reasons, but they put so much effort into the kids, have them in the holidays, weekly FaceTime etc- I am so grateful.

I know how hard these early years are, I will naturally look to help my kids when they're at that stage of their life even though I hate it myself, because I will want to do it for them and the children. I won't switch off caring about their wellbeing when they're 18.

So whilst this isn't an AIBU, I still don't think you're being unreasonable!

The pp's comment about how much they loved their grandparents (who had babysat and built a good relationship with) vs the lack of relationship between their DC and parents has really struck me.

My maternal grandparents lived round the corner when I was a child. My mum was a sahm until I was at secondary school so they didn't provide regular childcare and think the only time I slept over was when my mum was in hospital having my sister but we often went round for dinner. My gran taught me how to bake, sew, knit. My grandad would play ball games with me in the garden and I would help him in the greenhouse.

The dc's grandparents live too far for such frequent visits, but make no effort to build a relationship with them. One grandparent will sit in a separate room to us, posting facebook memes about what a blessing grandchildren are, whilst not engaging at all with the grandchildren who are right there.

I feel such a sense of loss for my DC compared to what I had with my grandparents.

I was friends with a woman at school who used to tell me about her GM. She lived with her every weekend (Friday to Monday) and most of the school holidays they would go to her caravan.
Her mum had her ‘own life’.
She was furious because she expected when she’d had 2 kids her mum would do the same for her. Of course she hasn’t. Her mum still goes out every weekend. She buys them ridiculous and inappropriate presents but won’t look after them.
I did point out she’s probably never learnt to learn after children.

I feel like some people have very different values to me.

I agree, I don't get it. I'm a Londoner & my parents are immigrants same as pretty much all my childhood friends (who i'm still friends with). Completely normal in my circle to have help. My parents have both today so I can have a break. Having said that I do know some that take the piss out of the gps.

No help. Grandparents either dead or live in a different country.

@userbbb

That's one of the reasons it bothers me so much my PILs don't help. It's so normal in their culture to come round every day to help but mine say it's too far or make other excuses.

Some people undoubtedly take the piss.

@HopelessSemantics do they expect you to help them now or in the future?

@userbbb hmm, expect, not exactly, but my husband does quite a lot for them from my perspective. Like when my baby was about two months, he drove my MIL around for four hours to different appointments even though I was really struggling at home. He's kind of stopped that now that he realises they never help. But I hate that. I hate feeling like it's so transactional. It feels so petty.

@Singalonggong

I broke my foot when DC1 was 3 and DC2 was just 1. Of course it happened while DH was away. Both sets of grandparents live in other countries and DH's sister is well not an option. So I dragged myself in an Uber with both kids where we sat in AE while my kids ran riot after 3 hours of waiting. And frankly there was nothing I could do about it because I couldn't walk. The tech who took the X-ray got frustrated because I couldn't keep them behind the little wall and just zapped us all with radiation. He then asked me in the most perplexed and exasperated way why I hadn't just left them with granny....

Very common among HCPs to assume everyone has on tap childcare, access to money, places to stay, etc.

@HopelessSemantics I can see how if you have a strained relationship it would feel more transactional. I don't particularly think about ways to pay back my parents it's just intrinsic if that makes sense. So we meet & I might pay for coffee or bring some cake I baked round. DH would help with computer issue etc.

Very common among HCPs to assume everyone has on tap childcare, access to money, places to stay, etc.

Not just HCPs. Schools think there’s a parents at home all day and GPs up the road happy to have younger ones for every play and assembly. It used to break my heart that DH and I couldn’t ever both see DS1 in an assembly or a school play or a musical recital because one of us had to stay home with DS2 and then DD. School would actually send letters home saying, Now is the time to enlist the help of Granny and attend without younger ones to aid everyone’s enjoyment!

Same here! Long time ago now but all our friends had oddles of help and weekends away and all sorts. We didn't have anything ! I can sympathize.
Only saving grace is the fact you won't be forever in their debt.

@userbbb that's the thing though, our relationship was fine til I realised they never offer to help with the baby but are happy to let my husband run around after them.

They just don't want to provide free childcare. I think a lot of grandparents are pressurised and guilt tripped into it. And would rather not but don't say anything.

@HopelessSemantics well you can't "unsee" it now. Personally I wouldn't be happy with my my dh running after them, that's time he could spend on other things.

I don’t have children yet but my parents have always made it clear they will not help with childcare. I think it’s perfectly reasonable. I didn’t get left with my grandparents. They are both in their 70s and still work as HCPs and have given all their time to care for others. There seems to be a mutual understanding that they’ve earned their free time and it’s totally unfair to saddle them with children they didn’t bring into the world.

My friends have been aghast when I’ve mentioned it, as if it’s totally unthinkable for grandparents to provide childcare. But it’s just one of those things that I’d never expect and I find it odd the other way round. I’ve had friends arrange for their mum’s to take early retirement or go part time in order to care for their children. I find that weird to be honest, especially when the pressure has been put on the grandparents and they feel unable to get out of it. In all honesty, I’d also worry about how my children would be cared for too! I’d like to do parenting differently with mine. But that’s a separate issue!

I get the least help of anyone I know. Three children one has autism and we desperately need respite. Services aren't interested. I have no family. In-laws we have to beg and then they say are busy. They continually say to us "you have to go out as a couple" but then when we have asked they say busy. The irony is my husband was farmed off to his grandparents every holiday for weeks at a time! I don't ask anymore - I've given up with it all. But I do agree the consensus on here is you should do everything yourself and are not entitled to any help!

@NameChange84 I think it depends what is meant by childcare. If it's the routine looking after of children to support parents working, then fair enough, I certainly won't be looking to do that and haven;t had that myself as our parents are still working age and live away. But in terms of "childcare" in the school holidays or to give parents some respite like babysitting, I think it's a real shame if a grandparent refused. Not only to support the wellbeing of the parents (because when do parents ever want to stop doing that for their children) but also to develop a bond with grandchildren which I just don't think will happen with a weekly dinner with parents around etc. We live 150+ miles away from some grandparents, my children are currently staying a week at each this summer holidays. It helps me out with the school holidays, DH and I utilise it with time alone meals out etc, but it has NEVER been classed as a chore by the grandparents, they usually ask for more time! They get the children all to themselves and relive family days out and can develop a strong relationship with grandchildren that usually live a long way away, I certainly hope I can have that when/if I have grandchildren.

You sound very let down op and I'm sorry for that.

To answer your question , I didn't have much help as you describe wanting but I did get their kind support when my parents could offer it . But no I never left my children with them unless it was in my own home to go out for an afternoon or evening. The type of child caring role some grandparents take was never on the cards. My in-laws were busy with their lives.

Now I'm approaching the grandparent age myself I would feel a bit odd to take out a small child (who may not be all that familiar with me on a day to day basis!) for more than a couple of hours and be given a list of venues. Going to the cafe for a couple of hours in the circumstances is fine in my book. Sorry.

Once out of the early years we have tried to help our kids build relationships with their grandparents anyway. It's a different relationship that doesn't need to be that of a caregiver to give it meaning.

Early years are hard though so you have my sympathies.

Another difference with previous generations is that parents were not necessarily expected to look after their kids all day, every day. My parents would spend most of their summers off exploring without parental supervision & my dad walked to school alone (1.5m) from about the age of 6. I remember my mum leaving us at home alone while she popped to the supermarket quickly or in the car when she did some errands. Those things are frowned on & maybe illegal nowadays.