Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

Some people are not good with small children but they might be better as they get older. However as a GP myself with 2 DGDs aged almost 5 and 2 I think it is unrealistic for GPs to expect their grandchildren to have any time for them if they do not take the time to build a relationship with them when they are small. Sometimes due to distance or health it is not practical or possible for GPs to provide regular help so it is a shame your DPs are not helping when from the sound of it they are reasonably local and presumably fit and able. Some friends I know though are adamant they are just GPs and will not do childcare and some are the other extreme where they will do loads but moan about how tiring it is. Most though are like ourselves in that we do one day a week looking after ours and will do occasional babysitting if my DD asks. When her DD1 was a baby we also used to have her overnight once a week so my DD and her husband could catch up on sleep but we have not done that since DGD2 was born but we would be ok with it if asked. It is lovely to have that regular time with them and you see how much they are growing up from week to week. Your DP are missing out lots and have no excuse if their parents looked after you as children. I am afraid they just sound selfish and thoughtless especially as you have a new baby.

@pallasathena

I think it would grate on me too if my DD started dictating what we could and could not do with the children. Apart from saying that sometimes I pander too much to them and I should say no (jokingly) they have never instructed us into what we should and should not do with them beyond asking we do not let the younger one nap if possible. OP maybe your DM took exception to the fact you gave her a list of things to do with your DD when she was being cared for. Does your DM live locally?

We had a little help when my wonderful MIL was alive though we never planned for that. We always planned to be able to do it just us and whatever paid for childcare we arranged.

My MIL spent time with her grandchildren not to help us out in anyway but to spend time with her grandchildren who she loved so much. I'm getting teary eyed thinking about how much she loved them and then her. Best Granny Ever!

Fewer than 5 overnights away each (DS is 14 next month, DD is 10).

We've never had much support in terms of childcare but we didn't need it. The DC had so much Granny love.

My mum died a very long time ago. My Dad has spent more time with his 4 year old step grandson who lives in Europe than his 14 and 10 year old blood grand children who live 8 minutes away by car...🤷🏼‍♀️

My DM died twenty years ago...and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Are you on the gin?

I have lovely memories of spending time with my only living (at the time) grandparent; my maternal Grandfather and his wife. My Mum would regularly send us to him, at least once a week, often for overnight stays. I had a great relationship with him and will always remember him fondly.

Fast forward to today. My parents are divorced. My Dad lives abroad but when he comes over he babysits for us so we can get a break. But that's sadly only once a year or so due to him being on the other side of the world.

My Mum lives around 200 miles away, so there is that element, but visits are almost exclusively one way in her direction and she provides no support to my siblings and their children who live round the corner from her. She has no interest whatsoever.

My in-laws are 300 miles away, and again, visits are almost exclusively one way (everyone is in good health and capable of making the drive as evidenced by their jaunts around the country, they just choose not to). When we visit we get no help, but they look after SILs kids several times a week.

I feel sad that my kids won't see their grandparents in the same way that I saw my granddad. It's not even about the childcare for us. It's the lack of willingness to invest in a relationship with our children that grates.

My retired parents literally live opposite my house. They have zero interest in their grandchildren. Don’t get me wrong they love to see them but would never dream of taking them to the park or having them for a sleepover. My DH and I have struggled for years managing two jobs and childcare. They have never volunteered to help.

It makes me so sad because I WANT them to want to see their grandchildren. Today my DH and I have both been working from home so not able to entertain our dc at all. They have been sat in their bedrooms all day bored rigid, meanwhile I can see my parents at home all day doing nothing. I do think “why not invite your grandchildren over for an hour” I don’t think it even enters their head.

Another one with no help. I’m used to it now but it was a shock when my first was born. She had terrible colic and I will never forget the loneliness and despair I felt. My retired dm who lives an hour away visited once in her first few months. I still get a bit teary sometimes when I see a new mum out pushing a pram on her own as that is all I did - wishing someone would talk to me. I’m used to the lack of help now but don’t think the sadness about it will ever go. I will never let my own children feel that way.

We had not a drop of help from either set of grandparents. TBH I'm glad we didn't get any from mine as for other reasons I went NC with them when the DC were younger for reasons unrelated to childcare. In the end I was glad they hadn't had any access to the DC without either DH or I there.

PIL work full time so we never asked them and they've never offered.

It sometimes feels quite alien to me when other friends and family talk about their DC being with the grandparents while the parents are at work or having a night or two off.
DD2 had and has many disabilities and has a lot of medical intervention and we don't get any support then, on top of no support when I've been in hospital or at appointments due to my own disabilities, either DH had the DC or I took them with me or I rescheduled my appointments.

DH and I decided that one of us would be a SAHP and it ended up being me because he earned slightly more than I did at that point, it was then that other 'friends' and family members started expecting me to help them out with free on tap childcare because 'well you're not working are you'. When I suggested that we do a quid pro quo arrangement I was apparently taking the piss. So no I didn't do any childcare for them and they no longer speak to me because of it; which is the way I prefer it.

I think the hardest part of it to come to terms with was both DH and I were farmed out to GP's or friends or pretty much anybody they could find by our parents on a weekly basis, sometimes several times a week and my mother was a SAHM as was MIL.

My grandmother was a fantastic grandma to my kids, had them while I went to uni and work. She often took them for days out and on holidays. My mother however was just not interested, she had me young so maybe she wanted her own freedom by the time I had grown up! My children are all adults and teens now, my mother seems to enjoy their company more.

I don't think any parent should expect grandparents to be providing childcare.

My parents had a lot of help from their parents when they raised my siblings and I. They weren't involved parents either so I don't know why I expected anything different with their grandchildren. It strains my relationship with my parents when I try to get them to help me out and they keep turning me down. They resent it and it upsets their bubble of how they view themselves.

A friend has similar issues with her parents. They have a strained relationship as it is and my friend almost always has to manipulate them into helping out. The way she tries to force their compliance is a bit ugly. There are other people she could ask or she could pay for childcare. I'm not sure why she tries to force the relationship into something it isn't.

I think it would be more hurtful if we had wonderful relationships with our parents prior to having children but we didn't. I have learnt to not expect help from them. I have to be self-reliant like many others. I treasure the help I do get and paid for childcare in the past.

I do sympathise OP, but I don't think anyone should expect help. At least you know where you stand. My mum offered to have my two one day a week when I returned to work. Lovely. Until the day she told me, as she was leaving, that I'd have to make other arrangements in future as she was going to look after my sister's children full time.
MIL ? Well, considering that having agreed to look after dc1 when I went into hospital for dc2 and then, when we called her to say I was in labour and we needed her help, she told us that she couldn't possibly have dc1 that day as she had a hair appointment booked. In the years since, my mum has developed a great relationship with my dcs. MIL doesn't acknowledge them, or their dcs. Her loss. She is ill now and wonders why my dcs are not all over her like a rash. Dh has suggested she looks back over her treatment of them for the past 30+ years for the answer.
We have a dgs twice a week and cannot imagine not wanting to help DS and DIL. They don't take the mick and neither do we.

I hate it when people say “they’ve done their time, why should they be expected to mind the grandkids”.For goodness sake, it shouldn’t be seen as a chore. Grandkids are a blessing. I love having mine. What could be nicer than a grandchild coming for a sleep over.

@Chicci1 I can relate to this. I haven't forgotten the loneliness and I'll do everything I can to make sure my own kids never feel abandoned by me like that.

But it’s not about grandparents providing childcare it’s about grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren!

Exactly the same OP. It is sad and hurtful. I can't get my head around my parents not wanting to spend time with my kids. I can't imagine feeling like that about my children's children.

The op is not talking about regular childcare that is relentless and draining for GPS or other family members. She is talking about once in a while the grandchildren staying over, GPs and other family members having a real relationship with grandchildren and occasionally helping out their adult children. I think the thread has been focused on GPS raising grandchildren and doing weekly childcare and that's not what many want or expect or are even taking about.

Yes, exactly this! I've never expected weekly childcare or anything like it. But I do find it sad that my DD has never once stayed overnight with her grandparents in 4.5 years, when I know there are others who have their grandchildren to stay very frequently.

Interesting to read other experiences, so much of it resonates!

I hear you OP. Slightly different for me as my mum does a long time before my eldest child was born so I have a dad and a stepmum. They don't live locally, but in the 7 years since, they've babysat my eldest twice and my youngest never. Never any practical help, they have never seemed very interested. It's caused me a lot of hurt and tears over the years. Last year I managed to put it behind me a bit after realising that really it was their loss. It's complex as it all ties in so much with my sadness around how different it would be if my mum was alive. Interestingly, I have seen a real shift since COVID. We last saw them in early December for "Christmas" which upset me at the time not to be able to see them at actual Christmas because they were too busy. Then lockdown hit and I suspect they re-evaluated things somewhat. They initiated some zoom bedtime calls, little gifts in the post, they arranged to come over and see the children because they missed them having not seen them in 8 months. I think it was possibly a bit of a wake up call. I've accepted it for the sake of my children and my dad who I love very much, but there have been many many shitty scenarios before now. We've never had help, never felt supported, and felt left to get on with it. It does feel incredibly hurtful when your parents don't seem to want active involvement in your children's lives, and I totally understand what you are saying. I feel it very much at the school gates and birthday parties when other children have nannies and grandads around, because they want to be around, ours wouldn't do that in a million years. Yes they've had their time with children and there is no obligation blah blah, but on behalf of my children it really does hurt and can be incredibly upsetting.

Mum died, not does. Sorry.

None what so ever. Never, my eldest is 12 and we’ve not had a night out or a night away.

I was sent every weekend and half term to my grandparents, start of summer holidays on a plane and sent to relatives in my grandparents native country by myself from age 10ish when kids could fly alone. Spent more time away from my parents than with them. When i asked for help and I offered to pay my mother arranged it all, 2 days before I went back to work she said no I’m not doing then ignored me for 6 months, was very stressful as I was in policing and due to go back to my team and start shifts.

My parents did no child care and I didn't expect them to. My own grandparents had us for tea (with parents) occasionally, but never did any 'minding ' to help out. I think this is a recent expectation and I think it's unreasonable. Small children are tiring. I'm mid 50s, no dgc yet, but I can't actually think of much I'd rather do less than look after little kids for a day, or even worse, have overnight. I'm still working full time and looking forward to free time when I eventually get to retire. I won't be offering child minding services.

Further to that I think those of us that spent a lot of time with our grandparents maybe that’s what we think is the thing to do so when our parents don’t have sleepovers or take the GCs out we are taken back because we don’t understand why or what’s the problem?

Yes my parents are local and have always been very helpful with our DC which is great. I’ve always been able to ask for them to be watched if
I’ve needed to go to an appointment or something that’s easier without young kids. They’ve also happily had them overnight on occasion (although only once they’ve been out of the toddler stage and easier). I stayed over every other Friday night at my grandparents when I was little and have very fond memories of it.

Yes. My dad and stepmum have babysat for my DC twice (for a few hours each time) in 11 years.
My in laws have had them overnight 3 times in 11 years.

We live 2.5 and 3.5 hours away so never would have expected regular help, but do feel the lack of support and, particularly with my side, lack of the grandparent relationship.

PILs offered much more support to SIL - but they lived closer (1.5 hours) and were 10 years younger when their DC were young.

I hope that if I have grandchildren, to be able to build a good relationship with them and to be able to support my DC as I know how hard it is without help.

None and I didn’t want it.

If you need a break op and want to have “lie downs” as you put it, then start to look for Paid child care or work it round your husbands hours.

It’s very unusual everyone you know has grandparents helping out. In the real world, most folks have parents who are working,no contact, not Able, not interested, whatever. The happy family dynamic with retired parents caring for the grandkids alone is not the norm.

I’m sorry but yout post saying “everyone has family support” reminds me of my daughter telling me “everyone was allowed out late”, so I should let her too...