Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

My Dad and step-mum (my mum died long before I had kids) have never looked after my kids for even 5 minutes. Kids are 9 and 11. My in-laws have looked after them twice.

I'm sad that my kids donlt have a real relationship with thier grandparents, and I'm sad that my Dad doesn't think i deserve the same help that he and my mum had from both sets of grandparents when my brothers and I were young.

My parents had so much help from grandparents when I was little. One grandmother did all our wrap-around care. The other took us for weekend breaks. I adored my grandparents. My kids barely know my Dad.

I understand a little how you feel OP. I gave up my job to be a SAHP and then finally got a job at a nursery that fitted in with school hours so that I could be there for my child for school drop offs and pick ups and school holidays. If you want me to be honest, I felt generally pretty miserable at times and unfulfilled not to mention the lack of money but it has meant that I have had the most time possible with my child and have a great relationship with my dd. It has also meant that I haven’t had to rely on anyone else for childcare or had the stress of organising and juggling that I see other mums go through.

My mum is a carer for my disabled dad so there is no way I could think of stealing her limited time and energy although she’s a brilliant grandma and has a great bond with dd. My mil provides free childcare for her daughter and sil has always had priority because she hasn’t given up anything and works nearly full time. She’s a shit grandma with no interest in dd anyway but it does rankle a bit that it never occurs to her that I might need a break or a hand even for an hour or so. It is tiring doing it all yourself day in, day out and never really going off duty.

I don’t think you’re asking that much really. You aren’t looking for a long term arrangement, you just want a little break now and then. You’re only human. Unfortunately we can’t predict or control how our parents and in-laws choose to help or not help. It’s hard when you see others getting a lot of help, I’ve often felt a pang of envy myself but it is what it is. I think it’s just something you’ve got to come to terms with as it’s unlikely to change. That’s what I’ve had to do and like I say, there are benefits to it as well.

I think a lot of people are wilfully or otherwise, misunderstanding the OP. No one is saying they expect childcare. But it is hurtful to feel your parents don't care that you are stressed, and that they don't want a relationship with their grandchildren. I would at least appreciate an explanation so I could understand.

As for whichever poster complained about the child's ego...you're the one that raised them. I can't imagine ever thinking about my child that way. So bitter.

But it is hurtful to feel your parents don't care that you are stressed, and that they don't want a relationship with their grandchildren. I would at least appreciate an explanation so I could understand

Well yes, but not wanting to provide child care doesn’t equate to not giving a shit if the op is stressed or not wishing a relationship with the kids. They can both care if she’s stressed and wish a relationship with the kids, but feel it’s her and their fathers job to look after their own children and not wish to feel they are the solution.

What explanation is required, why would they possibly need to explain why they aren’t providing child care? The op can visit her parents with her kids, but also manage them with her partner as their parents, be it together in turns, or with paid child care, like millions of people.

My parents have never looked after my DC. I've asked but they always had excuses - no because you are breastfeeding then no as DC in nappies and now I've stopped asking and youngest is almost 6y and been out of nappies for a long time

@Bluntness100 Personally if I couldn't or didn't want to look after grandchildren, I would tell my son why.

It bothers me when we do a lot for my PILs and they don't really reciprocate. I find it sad that we then feel we have to withdraw help as it turns into a kind of battle. Not the relationship I'd want with my child.

One grandmother did all our wrap-around care.

Yes this plus we often spent part of the weekend with them. I adored my grandparents too. It's weird, but I think I just expected my parents to be like this too but it should have dawned on me that they were awful parents (abusive) so were likely to be just as awful grandparents. I think they took advantage of my grandparents (obviously my grandparents enjoyed having us with them but my parents weren't backwards in asking for help). My parents were very lucky to have them for support.

My mother witnessed my pnd (I was a full-time sahm) and mentioned that I would benefit in getting out alone for a couple of hours a week, yet she did nothing to enable this (she was working only a few hours a week and relatively young grandparent). I like to think I would treat my own dc with a bit more care. I am non-contact with my mother (I did try to reconcile) but I suspect she might be alcohol dependent and she makes no effort to get in touch. It has taken me a long while and a lot of agony to realise that trying to make things better is futile because it is a two way process.

My parents were too ill/poorly. MIL when she was still alive looked after DD once for 30 minutes, and that was the last time (her idea of childcare was locking her in a room and turning the TV up).
Subsequently we’ve never had a night away from her (well DH has had many working away etc).

I’m not bothered but I am sick of friends who try to moan to me they want nights away (unsubtle hints for me to take their kids) when there is zero suggestion of anything to reciprocate. And they regularly do get GP help/nights away.

My NDN does everything for her son. Literally all his washing, cleaning and childcare. I don’t think they would have had so many children if they hadn’t had a free housekeeper/wraparound childcare. She looks fucked though a lot of the time. She’s nearly 80 running around after toddlers. Personally I wouldn’t trust her. She’s an insomniac and the kids have her up at 5am and she drives them all over. I don’t think it’s safe.
She isn’t allowed to just be a GP. She’s only welcome when she’s needed, so she won’t complain.

If you need a break op and want to have “lie downs” as you put it, then start to look for Paid child care or work it round your husbands hours.

It can be pretty difficult to find childcare at short notice for a small period of time even when paid.

It’s very unusual everyone you know has grandparents helping out. In the real world, most folks have parents who are working,no contact, not Able, not interested, whatever. The happy family dynamic with retired parents caring for the grandkids alone is not the norm.

Is it unusual? according to Age uk 40% of gps provide regular care so I presume if you include sporadic care the number is higher.

The op can visit her parents with her kids, but also manage them with her partner as their parents, be it together in turns, or with paid child care, like millions of people.

Well...yeah. What do you think I am doing?!

As I said to a PP, I guess some of us just move in different circles to people like you 🤷‍♀️ The vast majority of people I know genuinely do get a lot parental help. I guess that isn't your experience, but plenty on this thread have said the same.

My mum sees my aunt every week, I don't know what goes through her head when she hears her talk about having her DGC overnight and if she ever thinks "hang on, you have yours every week but I've never offered to have my own DGC overnight, not once, not ever".

Sadly my DM is the same. ILs too. Though with my DM it's no interest in her grandchildren at all (or daughters really) but she will however post a million of those "If you love your Grandkids...." Facebook memes. Or "Repost this if your grandkids mean the world to you!" Making out thats she's some awesome granny.
I'm sorely tempted to reply one day, "Who do you mean? Do you have some grandchildren DSis and I don't know about?!"

ILs don't like to help because they like their little routines and won't entertain change.

All will step up if we're absolutely desperate (like an A&E visit or an unmissable appointment or event but that's it. No childcare other than that. ILs are slightly better now the kids are older but they're at the age when eldest DD can babysit for us anyway. All kids are safe to be left on their own so GP babysitting isn't needed.

It's shit. I can't see me ever giving up on my kids and holding my GC at arms length.

Like you OP, everyone we know has help, unless distance or illness precludes it. My husband is from a culture where it is the norm to help out. I'm really baffled as to why they don't. They're always desperate to see him but never to actually help.

I understand how you feel, no one has my children and I’m a single parent so I never get a day off unless I’m working. All my friends are close to their parents and they regularly have their children just because. It’s heartbreaking my children miss out on that kind of experience, but I don’t let myself get worked up over it. It is what it is, we can’t control others’ actions some GP just don’t want to be too involved or feel their parenting days are over and we have to accept that. There are always childminders.

My mother looked after my DD for half a day. Once. That was it. I adored my Mum but she felt too old and tired to offer childcare. So I got on with it even when I had to kick my XH out and be a single parent from then on - they were 7 and 5. I worked full time. It's do-able. Don't waste your life envying other people.

@noheatwaveplease

The op can visit her parents with her kids, but also manage them with her partner as their parents, be it together in turns, or with paid child care, like millions of people.

Well...yeah. What do you think I am doing?!

As I said to a PP, I guess some of us just move in different circles to people like you 🤷‍♀️ The vast majority of people I know genuinely do get a lot parental help. I guess that isn't your experience, but plenty on this thread have said the same.

My mum sees my aunt every week, I don't know what goes through her head when she hears her talk about having her DGC overnight and if she ever thinks "hang on, you have yours every week but I've never offered to have my own DGC overnight, not once, not ever".

Probably thinks her sister is an idiot offering to babysit so much while she's out doing her own thing 🤣

I reckon I spent half my childhood with my maternal gran and grandad. Mum was perfectly happy to send us off there so her and dad could have a week away of just go out, stay in and watch telly or whatever. DSis and I were easy going kids and mum didn't need so much "time off" but she has only faux interest in her GC. All 5 of them.

I have always wanted a 4th child after I had DS 8 years ago. I adore being a mum and with little to no help from GPs I still did just fine. DM however has always said, "Don't you dare! You've enough already! I don't need any more grandchildren!"
I got mad one day and asked what the fuck it had to do with her? It's not like the GC she had now affected her life at all. She didn't babysit them, didn't do childcare for them, didn't feed or shelter them or even phone them.
Even their birthdays are of little consequence to her. They consist of bunging a tenner in a card at 8pm on the child's birthday and delivering it as she picks up her evening takeaway a street away from my house. She doesn't even stay long enough for a cup of tea. The envelope is still wet with her spit when the kids get their "afterthought" birthday card just before bedtime.

We had none

I don’t have anyone and Dp’s parents were too old and lived too far away

Even dp was away 2 weeks in 4.

We live in London so many parents weren’t from this part of the country
It didn’t seem to stop the gps decking out the whole nursery or coming down to baby baby sit whilst the parents went out for the evening.

I did get a pang of jealousy when Dd was still a relative new born when at a NCT meeting one of the mums said that her mum had come down to see her and told her to go to bed in the afternoon and she would look after everything and when she got up baby was sleeping and the house was clean.

Expecting help with childcare is one thing; hoping that your parents will take an interest In their GC is another- and it’s sad when they don’t.

Ours don’t have much interaction with the DC and so they don’t have much of a relationship with them. Ironically, it’s DH’s parents who live closer and are younger and fitter than mine who make the least effort. They could easily see the DC during school holidays but never suggest it. I find it odd, tbh.

All you can do is learn from the experience and make more effort if you ever have GC. My children ( now 15 and 12) aren’t very interested in my in-laws because they never bonded with them. It’s their ( the GP’s) loss.

They are grandparents which in reality doesn't mean anything, they've raised their children and moved on, I don't know why you are disappointed, it doesn't seem like they ever gave the impression that they'd be childminders for you. Comparing them to other grandparents is foolish, every family is different.

My mum hasn't seen my kids since well before lockdown. She lives only an hour away. You are not alone!

And comparison is the thief of joy, as they say! It rarely leads to anything other than jealousy and resentment.

@userblahblahblah

You don't think it's disappointing that parents aren't interested in sharing the burden and easing their child's stress?

I feel like some people have very different values to me.

I broke my foot when DC1 was 3 and DC2 was just 1. Of course it happened while DH was away. Both sets of grandparents live in other countries and DH's sister is well not an option. So I dragged myself in an Uber with both kids where we sat in AE while my kids ran riot after 3 hours of waiting. And frankly there was nothing I could do about it because I couldn't walk. The tech who took the X-ray got frustrated because I couldn't keep them behind the little wall and just zapped us all with radiation. He then asked me in the most perplexed and exasperated way why I hadn't just left them with granny....

3 kids here, youngest is disabled.
We get zero help. It's tiring but it is what it is.