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Original poster

Do you need to give your parents notice before you visit or can you just turn up?

157 replies

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 13:26

Inspired by another thread.

Could you just drop in for a quick hello or even stay the night or would you have to plan ahead.

I have keys to my grannies house ( she raised me) and through out my life many times I’ve just turned up and she never batted an eye lid. If she was going bingo she’s still go and see me when she got back Grin There wasn’t food in I’d pop to the shop or order a take away.

Do you ‘visit’ or do you just see it as going back home?

Would you need your adult children to give you notice or are you/would you be happy for them to just turn up and even sieve the night?

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:49

The back door is always open so we just walk in

Same but she puts the radio on when she goes out so the burglars think some one is in Grin

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 08/08/2020 14:50

My in-laws and mum live about 5 minutes away, we just call in as and when we want. Sometimes we call ahead if we are planning something but generally we just nip round for half an hour. We are a close family and will often just drop cakes on a doorstep and knock to say hello.
We are all very relaxed and accommodating!!
Our house is very much an open house, anyone is welcome.

LilaButterfly · 08/08/2020 14:50

My parents house still feels like my home and i have a key. We live fairly close and i just drop in whenever. Same with my grandmas house. If i intend to stay for a meal i usually bring something over, but they are always prepared with simple freezer food if i dont. They do the same with me and it works for everyone.

TheChosenTwo · 08/08/2020 14:51

By the way, we all have keys for each others houses but they are never used, they’re kept as spares in case anyone gets locked out!
Although I think dh uses his key if he goes round to his mums house.

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:51

@ThisLittleLady

I have a jet. I just turn up when I want. I’ll raise my kids the same. This is always home. Always welcome
A jet as in plane..? Oooooh lovely! Grin
OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/08/2020 14:52

Have you never turned up as a surprise with a box of cakes grin

The box of cakes can still be a nice surprise if you check that it suits them for you to call though surely?

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:55

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Have you never turned up as a surprise with a box of cakes grin

The box of cakes can still be a nice surprise if you check that it suits them for you to call though surely?

I suppose different folks prefer different things. My granny lives on her own so she loves surprise visits although when my grandad was alive I’d still be able to drop in. Once I caught him smoking and he jumped and was gutted if caught him Grin
OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 08/08/2020 15:02

My mum doesn’t mind my brothers and sister (and their families) popping over, but she has never liked it when I do. I have always had to have the awkward ‘can I come?’ conversation rather than a heads up type of one, and even if she says yes I am often made to feel unwelcome. This often turns to active hostility if I come without my DP. I now tend to plan visits based on whether my siblings are free - visiting together seems to keep the comments in check.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2020 15:04

What happens if you turn up with cakes and they are not in, and they are out for the whole day?

Triangularbubble · 08/08/2020 15:05

Quite honestly, no. Since I moved out I’ve always checked before I show up. I’ve called and said, can I come over and see you in an hour or I’m ten minutes down the road with the kids should we drop in, but just showing up, no. They almost always say yes to a visit (and in fact I could walk in and they’d probably not mind) but I just feel it’s rude to randomly show up and expect someone to drop whatever they were doing to visit with you.

If that’s how it works for you and your family and everybody has similar expectations though then that’s great. So long as both parties are happy with the arrangements then it’s nice you all feel that open with each other.

Aracnafaria · 08/08/2020 15:07

I don't bother visiting at all, toxic father who could not give a shit about me or his grandkids, and my mother puts up with it.

nowaitaminute · 08/08/2020 15:12

I can drop in to anyone in my family... cousins, aunts etc unannounced and they do the same...we are all so close it doesn't bother us at all. Once I called into my aunt for a cuppa and I ended up staying 3 nights 🤣🤣🤣

Rookie93 · 08/08/2020 15:15

With my parents we could just knock to say hello if we were passing and see if they wanted anything. We both worked shifts and my parents were night owls, so would often meet at their house on the way home after a late shift for a cup of tea and a natter.There was always somewhere to sleep if needed, and rarely a need to phone ahead.

With my older sisters DM and DPa were both unphased finding a selection of friends asleep in the kitchen in the morning after various nights out.

They both died over 25yrs ago, still miss them.

Rockbird · 08/08/2020 15:17

My parents live 15 mins away and the only notice they get is me ringing to tell my mother to put the kettle on! I still have my key and come and go as I please.

My in laws need notice but only because they have a busy social life and are often out or expecting friends round. If I do turn up unannounced and they're not busy then they're super welcoming.

TheChosenTwo · 08/08/2020 15:21

If we turn up with cakes and they’re not home we can walk to 3 other family members within about 2 minutes! We live the furthest away and that’s 5 minutes Grin
Some people would hate it, I know it’s not for everyone. On an average week I probably
See someone in the family 2 times.

SummerPoppies · 08/08/2020 15:22

@ineedaholidaynow
I would make myself a cuppa while eating some of the cakes with my feet up and the TV on.
I would leave a couple for my parents though.
Then I would lock up and leave.
Crikey, I've met my siblings at my parents house for beer and catch ups while my parents have been away on holiday before crashing out on their bed. 😂 So long as we leave it as we found it and set the alarm on the way out, my parents don't care. ( We would probably water their garden
and house plants too while we're there ).
For your other question regarding social life. Yes, I also socialise with friends and dare I say it, my in laws.

GameSetMatch · 08/08/2020 15:23

My mum and Dads house yes, we all just pop in and out even my husband and SIL let themselves in and have keys.

My PIL would never let us pop in, we don’t have keys and even when we arrange to go around they come up with an excuse so it’s a short visit. They don’t really have the need to see us or their grandchildren, sometimes is 6months plus before we see them, they only live 20min drive away.

vanillandhoney · 08/08/2020 15:23

@LizzieBlackwell

The back door is always open so we just walk in

Same but she puts the radio on when she goes out so the burglars think some one is in Grin

If I dare to actually knock, I get told off Grin
GinWithRosie · 08/08/2020 15:33

My children can just turn up if they like...they have keys and it wouldn't bother me, even if I wasn't home. They might call or face time first but not often, maybe just a quick 'we are round the corner can we pop in?'

I'm the same...I'll often pop in on my way home from work for a cup of tea to see my grandchildren or call if I'm round the corner to see if they are in.

I'd find it very weird if we didn't have that kind of relationship to be honest!

I know that they don't have the same relationship with their various partners families though, and a formal invitation is issued, once or twice a year.

CrimeCantCrackItself · 08/08/2020 15:34

@ineedaholidaynow

What happens if you turn up with cakes and they are not in, and they are out for the whole day?
Leave them somewhere inconspicuous and send a text to say "have left you a treat in xyz place". Obviously not like, cream cakes on a baking hot day. Or take them home, eat them. Grin
Aragog · 08/08/2020 15:40

I could just turn up but wouldn't. They're three hours drive away so it's always planned.

I guess if we were in the area for some reason we would do but even then I'd still call first to check they were in and free.

Mil is about 45 min away and we do the same.

They also call us first and plan when to meet at a mutually convenient time. No one wants a wasted journey and we can't just assume the other will be in, free and have no plans.

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 15:43

[quote SummerPoppies]@ineedaholidaynow
I would make myself a cuppa while eating some of the cakes with my feet up and the TV on.
I would leave a couple for my parents though.
Then I would lock up and leave.
Crikey, I've met my siblings at my parents house for beer and catch ups while my parents have been away on holiday before crashing out on their bed. 😂 So long as we leave it as we found it and set the alarm on the way out, my parents don't care. ( We would probably water their garden
and house plants too while we're there ).
For your other question regarding social life. Yes, I also socialise with friends and dare I say it, my in laws.[/quote]
This is exactly what it’s like with us and happens. There is only me and brother that have a key so she knows it’s either one of us.

Are we cheeky? Grin

I think I just see it as an extension to my own house. Also she still calls the spare room - my room. I’ve not lived there for 20 years Grin

OP posts:
Aragog · 08/08/2020 15:45

Do you ‘visit’ or do you just see it as going back home?

For me it not going back home. My parents moved to their new houses than a year ago. I also had never lived at their previous house - they moved there well after I'd left home.

Dh's mum lives in their family home. His old room isn't their anymore though a that was changed into a dining room not long after her moved out many years ago.

So it's us visiting. Likewise parents visit us. Our house isn't their home either, although they're very welcome to come and visit and stay. Mil stayed with us for 12 weeks of lockdown following FIL's death and, although we asked her to treat it as her own home, it wasn't really I guess. She loved staying with us and it was the right thing at the time, but equally she was happy to be back home herself when she went back.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2020 15:51

Interestingly I am sure my MIL would have been a popper in if DH and BIL had only moved a few minutes down the road. Instead they moved miles away. For many years she had very little social life and just spent time with DH’s stepdad and lived for the visits either to or from family. But after her partner’s death she became a social butterfly and was always out, and planning weekend visits to her became really difficult. If we lived closer now she would never be there if we tried to pop in!

Triangularbubble · 08/08/2020 15:55

The people who just pop in - have you not ended up walking in on some delicate situations? I don’t want to interrupt my parents (or anyone else) in the middle of an argument or a nap or a visit with someone else or having sex on the kitchen table.