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Original poster

Do you need to give your parents notice before you visit or can you just turn up?

157 replies

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 13:26

Inspired by another thread.

Could you just drop in for a quick hello or even stay the night or would you have to plan ahead.

I have keys to my grannies house ( she raised me) and through out my life many times I’ve just turned up and she never batted an eye lid. If she was going bingo she’s still go and see me when she got back Grin There wasn’t food in I’d pop to the shop or order a take away.

Do you ‘visit’ or do you just see it as going back home?

Would you need your adult children to give you notice or are you/would you be happy for them to just turn up and even sieve the night?

OP posts:
NewAndImprovedNorks · 08/08/2020 14:31

One of my most favourite JOYS is when the London DC turn up unannounced and just walk in. I cry every single time.
They both moved to London for work and it is the very VERY best thing to look up and see a giggling 20something delighted to have surprised me.
If they are bringing partners, they do let me know.

I tend to tell my elderly parents when I am coming to see them, just because they live two hours away and they like to ‘get something in’ , but equally, if I just turned up, they would be delighted.

Family, innit

NeedsAdvicePlease11 · 08/08/2020 14:31

Both sets of parents live in walking distance.
My mum i still have keys for and we are welcomed anytime.
Mil we need to give a few days notice at the least. As a teen/ 20 something dh and his ds where not allowed keys either. They had to be let in from work or school each day so mil knew who was in the house

TwoZeroTwoZero · 08/08/2020 14:32

My mam wouldn't mind me just turning up but she lives in my sister's house so I feel like I should ring first. I ring my dad before going to his because he's often out at the pub.

Muppetry76 · 08/08/2020 14:32

Popping in, no worries. My family have always been able to rustle-up a cup of tea to a full dinner for unexpected guests (something to do with wartime rationing and always having plenty in 'nowadays' just in case). As for overnights, it would always be offered (as a courtesy, especially to the gcs as a treat to sleepover with granny) but we mostly all live 15-30 minutes apart these days so it wouldn't be an unexpected overnight (eg Christmas, nights out, parties etc) and planned in advance

VanCleefArpels · 08/08/2020 14:33

I wouldnt dream of popping in to anybody unannounced - very bad manners and could put the other person in an awkward position or make them feel bad that eg the place is a tip or they’ve not got any milk in or whatever.

SingleHandSue · 08/08/2020 14:33

When my mum was alive we’d often pop round with no notice. Her front door was always unlocked and if she wasn’t in she’d be happy for us to put the kettle on and plonk ourselves on the sofa. DH worked around the corner so she’d even be happy for him to go over and let himself in.

DH’s parents however only live around the corner from us and we never go over there or they to us. If we meet it has to be a planned trip to the local gastropub.

If we just turned up they wouldn’t even open the door to us. They’re a bit weird to be fair.

Camomila · 08/08/2020 14:34

I'd give my mum a quick ring before setting off, 90% of the time it'd be fine but if my brother is on night shifts I wouldn't come visit with the loud 4 year old (they live 10mins away).

PILs live 1.5h away and it requires planning, as they work shifts and MIL had a very active social life before coronavirus.

LavaLamp5566 · 08/08/2020 14:36

I'd have a bit of common courtesy and ask before I went to see my parents and we're on minimal contact as it is. I'd even ask my Gran and she has an open door policy (Anyone's welcome at any time at my Gran's house)

nettytree · 08/08/2020 14:36

When we lived near, my parents we could see anytime. My husbands parents, no we had to ring in advance to check. But mostly they had other plans, which they would never cancel. So only saw them 2/3 times a year. Now we live further away, we do make plans

Wtfdidwedo · 08/08/2020 14:37

We live near my parents and grandparents and I call into both with no notice. I normally check my parents are in, but I pretty much know what they're doing at what time every day anyway. My grandparents only leave the house a handful of times a week. I have a key to both houses if I wanted to let myself in anyway. If I refused a cup of tea or homemade cake at my nan's house she would think I was very ill!

LittleHootie · 08/08/2020 14:39

My mum live 5 minutes away. I have to give notice. Then my mum discusses it with her partner. By that I mean asks him. Sometimes I get replies like "he says you've been around a lot lately so maybe give it a miss."

I was once upset as had had cat put down. Asked if I could pop in. "No we are having tea shotly".

My son will be welcome any time.

Triangularbubble · 08/08/2020 14:39

I don’t visit anyone without checking, nor would I appreciate anybody doing it to me. I certainly don’t let myself in to my parent’s house without asking, although I do have a key for emergencies. Everybody I know has a smart phone and the ability to use WhatsApp, it’s not hard to send a short message. The only exception is my very elderly relative with dementia in a care home, who I do drop in on because they can’t really remember arrangements from one moment to the next so there’s little point checking first.

Apolloanddaphne · 08/08/2020 14:40

My DM I could turn up any time and could stay if I wanted. My in-laws would have been totally flustered if we had turned up without planning.

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:40

@NewAndImprovedNorks

One of my most favourite JOYS is when the London DC turn up unannounced and just walk in. I cry every single time. They both moved to London for work and it is the very VERY best thing to look up and see a giggling 20something delighted to have surprised me. If they are bringing partners, they do let me know.

I tend to tell my elderly parents when I am coming to see them, just because they live two hours away and they like to ‘get something in’ , but equally, if I just turned up, they would be delighted.

Family, innit

Ah I love that!!
OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 08/08/2020 14:41

I could have just turned up, had a key, but the likelihood is if I had opened the front door Id have given my dear mum a heart attack as she would not have been expecting me.
I always let her know I was coming.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/08/2020 14:41

My parents wouldn't care if anyone popped by unannounced. Growing up the door was always open to all. I bloody hated it and would never pop in anywhere unannounced and hate unexpected guests.
No excuse anymore with mobile phones not dropping a text or calling in advance.

Both sets of parents have keys to our house but would never just pop in. I'd take the bloody keys back of they did.

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:42

@LittleHootie

My mum live 5 minutes away. I have to give notice. Then my mum discusses it with her partner. By that I mean asks him. Sometimes I get replies like "he says you've been around a lot lately so maybe give it a miss."

I was once upset as had had cat put down. Asked if I could pop in. "No we are having tea shotly".

My son will be welcome any time.

That’s awful. Sad
OP posts:
Lostinbooksandcoffee · 08/08/2020 14:42

My parents live 5 minutes away and on a main route so I often pass their house if I go out. I also have a key and sometimes go in even if they're in work. They have a very 'open door's policy. It's really not a problem if I call in announced. Only time they're disgruntled is if I'm on my own and haven't got at least one of the kids with me Grin

They usually give a quick call to see they're calling to ours for whatever reason, in case I'm seeing to the kids or popped out.

ILs live nearly 2 hours away so it's more of a 'visit' as opposed to just 'calling in'. We usually arrange when we see them in case one of us has plans.

vanillandhoney · 08/08/2020 14:44

I could just turn up, but as they like 45 minutes drive away, I'd want to make sure they'd be in before I made the journey! They wouldn't be flustered if we did turn up unannounced, though.

My in-laws live a few streets away and we just pop-in whenever. The back door is always open so we just walk in Grin

CrimeCantCrackItself · 08/08/2020 14:44

@ineedaholidaynow

For those who are popper ins is your social life or that of the people you pop into mainly revolved round family rather than friends? When I first left home my parents had a very active social life so the chances of them being in or not doing anything would have been quite remote. Obviously as they got older and health problems got in the way that changed.
My family is very much my social life. I do a lot with my Dad. My DM is always in and out but my Dad is home 90% of the time.

My DH works long hours and is often away (with the car) I have small children and my uni/adult friends are all similar and are working round jobs too so socialising is planned and prepared and subject to change. In "normal times" then we'd have local playdates and be at the park etc but my family is still my main form of company.

Original poster
LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:46

@Triangularbubble

I don’t visit anyone without checking, nor would I appreciate anybody doing it to me. I certainly don’t let myself in to my parent’s house without asking, although I do have a key for emergencies. Everybody I know has a smart phone and the ability to use WhatsApp, it’s not hard to send a short message. The only exception is my very elderly relative with dementia in a care home, who I do drop in on because they can’t really remember arrangements from one moment to the next so there’s little point checking first.
Have you never turned up as a surprise with a box of cakes Grin
OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/08/2020 14:46

I live @ a 20 minute drive from mine and while they wouldn’t object to us occasionally popping in just to pick up or drop something off, I know my mother prefers a bit of notice. Not even “planning“ as such but a quick call or text eg Hi I’m at X, I was going to drop in or will you be around if I call over @ 4ish type of thing. It at least gives her the option to say she has a friend in/a pounding headache/was just about to go out.

My brothers are dreadful popper in types and while my mother doesn’t tell them not to as she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings, she’s told me she finds it irritating and presumptuous of them. I don’t blame her - I wouldn’t like it and I know my brother’s don’t either!

At this stage of their lives I think my parents are entitled to choose to have dinner at a random time without me, dh and two dc walking in or to settle down to a Sunday night drama they’re following without being interrupted by db who moseys in and expects a rapt audience to listen to whatever he feels like banging on about for an hour 🙄. It’s just about having a little bit of consideration.

ThisLittleLady · 08/08/2020 14:47

I have a jet. I just turn up when I want. I’ll raise my kids the same. This is always home. Always welcome

minnieok · 08/08/2020 14:47

As it involves a 3 hour trip down the motorway, I would definitely call the day before to ensure mum has food and my favourite beer! I do have a key though

PurBal · 08/08/2020 14:48

My mum: we plan as she struggles accept boundaries, she is a flusterer but would be delighted if we showed up unexpectedly.
PIL: a bit of both, we tend to plan out of courtesy but we have a key.
Dad: lives in another country, 11 hour flight, we plan but he wouldn't mind if we showed up unexpectedly, he'd probably just be worried as to why!