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Original poster

Do you need to give your parents notice before you visit or can you just turn up?

157 replies

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 13:26

Inspired by another thread.

Could you just drop in for a quick hello or even stay the night or would you have to plan ahead.

I have keys to my grannies house ( she raised me) and through out my life many times I’ve just turned up and she never batted an eye lid. If she was going bingo she’s still go and see me when she got back There wasn’t food in I’d pop to the shop or order a take away.

Do you ‘visit’ or do you just see it as going back home?

Would you need your adult children to give you notice or are you/would you be happy for them to just turn up and even sieve the night?

OP posts:

rottiemum88 · 08/08/2020 14:05

I don't think either my mum or my in laws would mind us just turning up; both DHs brother and sister still do this. I'm more of a planner, so we tend to let people know if/when to expect us so they can let us know if they already have other plans and we can re-adjust ours accordingly

Original poster

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:06

@Wiaa

I'm not that close to my mom but while I usually visit on a particular day it would be no problem if I turned up at any time,its very much an open house food and drinks flow freely if anyone visits. She lives about 15mins away so I haven't stayed over since I last stayed for Xmas around 14yrs ago but I could if I wanted to. My sister and her 3 kids practically move in every weekend and school holiday

Yes I was like your sister

OP posts:

DeRigueurMortis · 08/08/2020 14:06

I'd always call/text first, not only because I think it's polite but because they might be busy!

They are retired but very active so the idea of just turning up and them being automatically available for me doesn't really work (for which I'm glad).

That said I can't recall I time I've suggested I stop by that they've said no unless they are out of the house (which isn't an issue recently).

They in return always let me know if they plan to visit for which I'm grateful.

I'm always happy to see them but it's much easier to plan your day if you know someone is visiting, so you don't get interrupted mid point through a time critical task.

Liverpool52 · 08/08/2020 14:08

My brother was going to turn up to my parents' house with his two children "as a surprise". It hasn't occurred to him that that would require mum to make up three extra beds, go out shopping again and meal plan etc after having already done her weekly shop on a Thursday (which she has done for years so he'd know that).

So i think it depends, if you don't expect anything and are happy to pitch in or just get takeaway then maybe it's ok. But to turn up unannounced knowing how much extra work it will create is plain rude.

redbigbananafeet · 08/08/2020 14:08

I'd just show up and thinking about I don't even knock. Just walk in and shout hello. Perhaps I should start knocking

MadauntofA · 08/08/2020 14:09

My mum lives 5 mins away but I always ring - only because she is very deaf so never hears the door going, and if she turns around and I am there (I have a key), she is likely to have a heart attack!! Never an issue about going round there.

Original poster

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:11

@MadauntofA

Bless her!

OP posts:

SummerPoppies · 08/08/2020 14:12

Me and my siblings all still have keys to our parents home and we just drop in at random.
Sometimes we will even turn up at mealtimes knowing that my mum will feed us too ( she always makes enough to feed the entire street )
If it's not meal time she will ask you if you want a sandwich. Think Mrs Doyle from Father Ted.
If we want to stay over, it's no problem. Want a shower? Help yourself.
My kids have a key to my home, they're grown up and married, and turn up when they like, as they do at my parents. My parents are always happy to see their kids, grandkids and great grandkids, it's what they live for, especially if we all turn up together.
I can't imagine it any other way.
My in laws live 300 miles away and they're exactly the same.

Original poster

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:12

@redbigbananafeet

I'd just show up and thinking about I don't even knock. Just walk in and shout hello. Perhaps I should start knocking

If I knocked my granny would think something was wrong and start looking around the garden and would definitely say your are bloody knocking for?’

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2020 14:14

When parents lived a distance away we always planned visits with plenty of notice. DM now lives just down the road but I always phone before seeing her (to be fair I might phone as I am walking down the road near her flat) but I wouldn’t pop in without any form of announcement. That would be bad manners.

For people with busy lives I would find it quite weird that people would just drop in without at least phoning first. What happens if you already have visitors, what happens if you have separated parents and your MIL pops in at the same time her ex husband is there? Or the situation where my MIL has kept in touch with BIL’s ex wife, I could imagine it would be quite awkward if she was visiting when BIL and new GF popped in.

I’m also assuming as we are not meant to be mixing households at the moment (depending where you live) just dropping in shouldn’t really be happening.

OneMoreLight · 08/08/2020 14:15

My mam would let me visit and stay over anytime.

We usually go once a week. I have a key so can just let myself in if I need to.

2bazookas · 08/08/2020 14:16

Our adult sons have keys to our place and we have keys to theirs. Only one of them lives near enough for unplanned visits; he often turns up unannounced and just lets himself in, so do we. Whether or not the other is at home. We borrow each others tools, books, dvd's etc and just help ourselves if the lender isn't at home.

Thneedville · 08/08/2020 14:16

If she’s expecting me sometime that day I usually send a message as I leave (which half the time she won’t read in the 4 minutes it takes me to walk!).

If she’s not expecting me I’d probably call first, but often I’ll pop in to say hello if I’m passing.

She has a life (even in lockdown!) so it’s rude to assume she’s there at my beck and call.

Staying over is irrelevant as we live so close, but if that was the situation I’d ask and I’d give her a few days notice so she could get the room ready.

Original poster

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:18

@SummerPoppies

Me and my siblings all still have keys to our parents home and we just drop in at random. Sometimes we will even turn up at mealtimes knowing that my mum will feed us too ( she always makes enough to feed the entire street ) If it's not meal time she will ask you if you want a sandwich. Think Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. If we want to stay over, it's no problem. Want a shower? Help yourself. My kids have a key to my home, they're grown up and married, and turn up when they like, as they do at my parents. My parents are always happy to see their kids, grandkids and great grandkids, it's what they live for, especially if we all turn up together. I can't imagine it any other way. My in laws live 300 miles away and they're exactly the same.

This!

Makes me laugh when we all turn up together she loves it.

OP posts:

ladycarlotta · 08/08/2020 14:18

when I was younger and a bit more chaotic (house sharing, skint, probably hungry etc) and we lived in the same city, I definitely would turn up at my mum's unannounced, it was my childhood home and I could make myself at home even if she wasn't around. She was happy to see me but she wouldn't change her plans for me.

Now, I think I wouldn't as I live 3 hours away, have a child etc. It would be a palaver and she's moved and set in her ways etc. She'd probably be thrilled if we just turned up for an afternoon if such a thing were possible, but hosting at short notice would be tough for her.

CarrieBlue · 08/08/2020 14:20

I have a key for my DM’s house. I would never just turn up because I would hate her to do that to me (which she has done before). I have stayed at her house without her being there (it is my childhood home but since leaving) and I have a key for emergencies and I have got there very late at night so could let myself in without disturbing her.

CrimeCantCrackItself · 08/08/2020 14:22

I know it's not popular on here but we're a family of "poppers"

I pop there, they pop to mine, my sister pops in to both. No need to knock and wait, just walk in etc. We all have keys to each others houses. I live about a 3 minute walk away though.

Malaya · 08/08/2020 14:23

My parents live on the next road from me and I have a key. We pop over all the time and have free reign there. Pre-COVID there was usually one of my dc spending the weekend there!

I also still pop in to my nan’s, unannounced. Also have a key for hers as she doesn’t like opening the door. She never goes out anywhere - she’s 93 - so I know she’ll be home. Sometimes my cousins and I will all organise a meet up at nan’s and we will call her then just so she know we’re all turning up! Other than that, no pre-warning required.

Dh parents live in another country but they also have an open door policy, with family. We both come from cultures where this is the norm. It would be seen as very rude to refuse someone in, even if they turned up unannounced.

Original poster

LizzieBlackwell · 08/08/2020 14:23

I’m also assuming as we are not meant to be mixing households at the moment (depending where you live) just dropping in shouldn’t really be happening

Oh bore off. No one has said they are doing anything against guidelines. COVID threads are that way >>>>>

OP posts:

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 08/08/2020 14:26

I can just turn up and I have a key. Pre-Covid, I might well find they weren’t in, though, so would usually call first.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 08/08/2020 14:26

I can pop in anytime, and they can pop in here anytime.

I would text 10/20 min before mostly just to say is it ok, but I can't think of a time when they said no. They would text an hour or two before, just to check we weren't busy, but again, they come in and out happily to do jobs/help out around the house without us being here. They have keys, we have their keys.

I love it, one of the benefits of living near my mum.

NotQuiteUsual · 08/08/2020 14:27

My mum would hate it. She has OCD and is very clear she doesn't want it. So that's OK.

My dad I can weekdays, but weekends his girlfriend is often over and she hates people popping over, so we have an unspoken agreement it's with advance notice at weekends. Dad's often at work, but he doesn't care if we pop in, we often have lunch at his in the week.

NotQuiteUsual · 08/08/2020 14:28

Oh and as for my ILs we live 4 hours away, if we were local we'd deffo be able to just pop round for a cuppa unless FIL was going a work from home contract. They'd be able to pop round ours too.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2020 14:29

For those who are popper ins is your social life or that of the people you pop into mainly revolved round family rather than friends? When I first left home my parents had a very active social life so the chances of them being in or not doing anything would have been quite remote. Obviously as they got older and health problems got in the way that changed.

Pyjamaface · 08/08/2020 14:29

I live across the road from my DM so we are always in and out of both houses anyway. Would be a bit odd to sleep there but she wouldn't mind.

Dps parents are safely far far away but seeing as his DM video calls him all the time, at some random time (11:30pm last time) I cant imagine they would be too flustered if we just rocked up to their door

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