Help! I don't want to pay FIL's bills!

[Blurp]

The background: DH has 3 siblings who live nearby. MIL died a few years ago, so FIL lives alone in the house DH grew up in. They describe themselves as "very close" and have always gone to FIL's twice a week for dinner (just the siblings and their kids, not partners). When MIL was alive, she cooked; since her death, they take it in turns to cook, so DH cooks once every other week. This costs about £25 each time, so about £50 per month.

FIL has recently retired. He has absolutely no savings (MIL was a HUGE spender and just spent it all), and gets only a state pension. He's realised that he can't afford to pay for all the bills. The house has 6 bedrooms, so it's huge, expensive Council tax, expensive to heat etc.

In my head, the solution is that he needs to move somewhere smaller and more manageable. However, DH & siblings are not in favour of this because then they wouldn't be able to go round all at once, certainly not twice a week.

His brother has suggested that they all chip in each month to cover the bills - about £50 each. So including the cost of cooking once a fortnight, we'd be forking out about £100 a month for this.

We could afford it, but we'd be sacrificing other things. For instance, we'd like to move to a bigger house (the kids would love some outdoor space). But that would be very tight financially if we had this extra money to pay each month. We'd also like to start saving some money for the kids each month too - £25 each would build up to a decent amount.

DH agrees with me in principle, but is being put under pressure by his siblings. He said he'd feel bad continuing to go to dinner twice a week if he wasn't paying his share. But he also doesn't want FIL to have to move, thereby possibly meaning that they can no longer all visit together.

There was a vague suggestion at one stage that if FIL didn't have enough space, they'd all take it in turns to go round each others' houses, so we'd host every other week. This won't work because both me and one of the other siblings partners work from home and it would be too disruptive (and anyway, I don't really want a big crowd of people in the house once a fortnight). Again, I feel like I'm getting in the way of the plans.

Any suggestions? Is it unfair of me to say no to us paying money to FIL each month? Or is it reasonable to expect him to live within his means, even if that means moving house?

We had this discussion recently, bil pays a bill every month for mil, and we were feeling a bit under pressure but have started to pay money towards one of her loans monthly. We kind of changed our mind as I remembered my dad sending money monthly to my granny and dh said his mum used to send money to her mum too so we treat it as a bill now and it goes on pay day. This probably isn't what you want to hear, sorry!

I think it’s lovely that your DH and his siblings want to spend so much time with their father, and each other. I think the time spent with their aunts/uncles and cousins is probably more valuable to your DC than £25 a month (my DC have no cousins and would love to have that kind of arrangement!). It’s very likely you may end up one day contributing to residential care for your FIL which will be a lot more than £100/month. If this helps to keep him in his own home for longer it may save you money in the long run.

I think it's unrealistic for him to stay in a 6 bedroom house when he can't afford to. Not even close.

I'm with you, OP. Help him downsize.

In my family my aunt moved her family in with grandparents. Worked well in a close family - are any of the siblings up for moving in?

I would struggle to be ok with this considering he's able to downsize. Why would downsizing mean he can't see his children?

If my children were going without and if it meant giving up a bigger garden etc I would not just allow it to happen.

I appreciate your FIL would have sacrificed things for your DH In the past but I don't think your DH should have to sacrifice until he needs to

If so many of the family are spending so much time at his house that a single man still “needs” a 6 bedroom house, then yes, frankly they should all be chipping in with the bills.

They are being too black and white. For them to continue going around he just needs to have room for a table that fits 5 people around. So the options aren’t merely a) maintain status quo or b) never have a family meal again. A much smaller property with a decent sized kitchen or lounge would work perfectly well.

I don't get why FIL needs a 6 bedroom house?
From what you say, DH and his siblings are not staying over, just visiting. Would a smaller ( 3 or 4 bedroom) house not work?

Difficult!
But it's not fair for your DH and siblings to be paying bills for a house none of them live in. Does FIL want to carry on living in a huge, expensive house?How does he feel about having family members paying on his behalf?
I don't have any advice other than all options need to be discussed.
Many years ago when my Dad's widowed mother was becoming less able to look after herself, she flatly refused to have 'a home help'. My dad and his siblings had a meeting to discuss and the two older ones (in their 50s at the time with adult children) decided that their mother should go and live with one of the younger three children. When Dad and his brother and sister said that it was impossible as they all had young families of their own and low incomes the older siblings got annoyed. Dad and his younger brother suggested a care home and the others refused to have anything to do with them or to make and contribution - personal or financial "if you pack her off there."

It's never going to be an easy decision but the realistic options are for FIL to sell up and move somewhere more manageable, or for one of the family to sell up and move in with him.

I think it's utterly unreasonable to expect to stay in a 6 bedroom, expensive house when you have no savings and only a state pension. He needs to move.

It's ridiculous to expect you to subsidise this lifestyle for an elderly man at the cost of having a better home for your own children. I'd make this very plain to the siblings.

I think you are being reasonable to not want to pay FIL bills, certainly indefinitely, although I think contributing to a fortnightly meal is fair so I wouldn't count that alongside your contribution. I do think you are being unreasonable and obstructive to not want to host fortnightly. It's only once a fortnight, he is a lonely widower and they are family not a random group of party goers! Surely you could work elsewhere in the house if it's just once every two weeks? And your DC would presumably benefit from seeing family? I think a twice weekly gathering sounds lovely and quite enviable, but then my own family was small and rather cold, what is your own family like?

I think he does have to downsize, but you also have to do everything you can to facilitate the continuation of the family get togethers.

If he can’t afford to live there he should downsize this could go on for years.

Do you really work from home during dinner hours?
Surely you could cope with hosting if you were saving the money??

The other thing is that if the £100 includes DH and your children being fed 8 times a month, then some of that is money that would have been spent on feeding them anyway. I'd expect you'd probably spend £50 ish at least on feeding them at home. So the contribution to FIL's bills is not actually so much, and it might be worth putting up with that rather than deal with the upheaval of him selling up and moving.

Twice a week?! Crikey that sounds excessive. Doesn't that get on your nerves?

Have a proper discussion and start financial planning now.

Having meals twice a week is all nice and good but it's not dealing with realities of life is it? The fact mil and fil got to this stage in life without proper planning is alarming enough: allowing next generation to perpetuate it is ridiculous.

Reality is fil, together with family, need to think about realities of planning for life with increasing costs and increasing healthcare needs. If his health declines, he won't be able to physically clean and maintain a big house, let alone afford it. If his health needs means he needs to go into a care placement, or stays at home with a package of care providers, you really need good financial advice now. Your partner and his family need to stop putting their heads in the sand and use one of these endless jolly family meals to actually talk.

I think he needs to down size for the simple reason if he needs repairs on the house or a new boiler etc. where on earth will he find the money. His utilities will be high as well.

Is there a mortgage on the property? Or an option to release some equity.

I cant see the connection between downsizing and his family not being able to see him as regularly. He could buy a 2 bedroom house and so long as its got room for a dining table they could all get together as usual.

You just need to be firm and say you're sorry you can't commit to that expense. If he cant afford his big house he has to downsize

However, DH & siblings are not in favour of this because then they wouldn't be able to go round all at once, certainly not twice a week

Downsizing doesn't mean bedsit.

He could find himself a nice two bed/three bed bungalow. Use one of the bedrooms as a dining room and sorted.

I think he should either move somewhere smaller, and I am sorry but even moving to a three bed would still give enough room for people to eat, or look at equality release

I think that putting aside money for your children is more important than paying for someone to stay in a six bedroom house he can’t afford, but has options over

I'd be telling your husband and his siblings that they all need to give their heads a hard wobble. Your FIL can not manage a home that big, end of story. It's ridiculous for him to stay there.

It sounds like it would be a money pit - if he can't afford to run it now how is he going to manage if he needs a new roof or other costly repair? Has he seen a trusted financial advisor? You say he's only recently retired, so maybe the idea that he needs to downsize hasn't sunk in yet and he may need more time to come to terms with it. I don't see the big deal about having everyone round once a fortnight though. Could you ask everyone to bring a dish to contribute?

If your FIL was living in a tiny flat then I could understand the issue. But he doesn't. He's got a huge house. He needs to downsize.

Why should you pay so that these meals you aren't invited to can continue? Seems really rude IMO! Why is it you don't go?