Help! I don't want to pay FIL's bills!

[Blurp]

The background: DH has 3 siblings who live nearby. MIL died a few years ago, so FIL lives alone in the house DH grew up in. They describe themselves as "very close" and have always gone to FIL's twice a week for dinner (just the siblings and their kids, not partners). When MIL was alive, she cooked; since her death, they take it in turns to cook, so DH cooks once every other week. This costs about £25 each time, so about £50 per month.

FIL has recently retired. He has absolutely no savings (MIL was a HUGE spender and just spent it all), and gets only a state pension. He's realised that he can't afford to pay for all the bills. The house has 6 bedrooms, so it's huge, expensive Council tax, expensive to heat etc.

In my head, the solution is that he needs to move somewhere smaller and more manageable. However, DH & siblings are not in favour of this because then they wouldn't be able to go round all at once, certainly not twice a week.

His brother has suggested that they all chip in each month to cover the bills - about £50 each. So including the cost of cooking once a fortnight, we'd be forking out about £100 a month for this.

We could afford it, but we'd be sacrificing other things. For instance, we'd like to move to a bigger house (the kids would love some outdoor space). But that would be very tight financially if we had this extra money to pay each month. We'd also like to start saving some money for the kids each month too - £25 each would build up to a decent amount.

DH agrees with me in principle, but is being put under pressure by his siblings. He said he'd feel bad continuing to go to dinner twice a week if he wasn't paying his share. But he also doesn't want FIL to have to move, thereby possibly meaning that they can no longer all visit together.

There was a vague suggestion at one stage that if FIL didn't have enough space, they'd all take it in turns to go round each others' houses, so we'd host every other week. This won't work because both me and one of the other siblings partners work from home and it would be too disruptive (and anyway, I don't really want a big crowd of people in the house once a fortnight). Again, I feel like I'm getting in the way of the plans.

Any suggestions? Is it unfair of me to say no to us paying money to FIL each month? Or is it reasonable to expect him to live within his means, even if that means moving house?

but the whole set up of the family had always seemed odd to me

You knew this before you married him I'm guessing, did you think it would change? Also you mention that one idea was to downsize and then the siblings host dinner, which you shot down, and probably played a part in it being discounted. You don't seem to open to anything that enables them to carry on doing something that's important to them, either pay or be willing to discuss other options maybe.

I think that the siblings don’t want him sell and downsize because they’ve got pound signs in their eyes for the inheritance that will come off a 6 bed house when FIL dies.

I think Random and Josh have hit the nail on the head here. I’ll bet anything the refusal to downsize is more to do with inheritance than anything else.

I have been in a similar situation to you, and I was livid that our money was going on his parent. I would never pay out for my parent, I’d expect them to fund themselves.
But what I realised is that, as long as bills/food/holidays etc are paid first then he can spend what is left of his wages on whatever he wants.

Either someone moves in with him or he downsizes.
He must have been in a good job before to be able.to afford a 6 bedroom house how can he have planned nothing for retirement?!
Totally agree with getting him in front of a financial adviser.

I’m guessing if FIL can’t cook then he’s probably not too good at cleaning. He needs to downsize before the house gets too shabby and un-loved looking to sell easily, to a smaller place where the bills and the cleaning/garden are more manageable.Hopefully there will be some equity left over for savings, for those unexpected big bills.

Maybe if MIL had not been such a big spender (she must have been spending £££ each month towards these meals that could have been saved) then he would not be in such a financial predicament now.

Could the group meals be cut down to once week or twice a month, and FIL persuaded to do an widowers evening class to learn to cook, so he can at least feed himself and not rely on these meals.

The amount ecided on his bills, will change, and year on year bills go up and so will your share. This is a stupid idea.
He needs a nice two bed house, they have dining rooms and a small garden and he'd be able to take care of it better and he'd have money of his own to pay his bills.
It does sound like the siblings are more concerned about thier inheritance than their dad coping in his own home.
Similar situation with my Mums friend, but he can afford his large house with no problem, but an 85 year old rattling around a 4 bed house with rooms he doesn't go into for months on end is silly.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

I think that the siblings don’t want him sell and downsize because they’ve got pound signs in their eyes for the inheritance that will come off a 6 bed house when FIL dies.

Yes because if he downsizes I guess they're worried he'll spend any cash!

They all sound awful & I would seriously consider leaving a man who was buying in to this shit.

They could take it in turns to visit & have a monthly family meal out for example.

But to think that the only solution is to pay the bills on a house the size of which is not needed...

A lot of people saying move to a bungalow .Where we are they are not a lot cheaper than our 3 bed ,2 rec detached house! They are sought after and the price reflects this .

It's all very well and good being able to afford it now but you dont know what's round the corner. What if one of his siblings cant pay any more (job loss, illness) will you up your share? What about when prices rise? Are you going to up your donation again?
Helping out when a family member is struggling is one thing but hes not struggling he has the means to afford his Bill's but doesnt want to. That's choice not hardship so ide say no.

This is a ridiculous situation! If FIL has only just retired, this could go on for years and just isn’t sustainable.

It makes total sense for him to sell the big house and move to somewhere he can manage easily, on a practical and financial level. That will free up spending money for him as well. Surely a nice bungalow for his retirement, but with a large dining kitchen to host the family meals would be doable? YANBU at all.

The running costs of a 6 bedroom house with an elderly person living it will increase over time. Your £100 per month will go nowhere when things need doing to the house. It would be stupid to even start this arrangement as it will not be sustainable.
My DF died 20 years ago leaving my DM, who is still alive. The house is small but it is still falling apart as she has never so much as changed a lightbulb. I do my best but it is a constant drain of time & money.

@Fluffycloudland77

They all sound batshit and your a saint for putting up with it so far.

Saint or mug!

Op you say you can afford it but you’d be sacrificing things so you can’t afford it.
Plus if all the siblings chip in that’s 200 pm, there’s no way the bills on a 6 bed house are only £200 pm.
So it will start at £50 but I suspect it will go up

Admittedly, haven't read the full thread, but I can't fathom why having a house with fewer bedrooms (and therefore more affordable, freeing up cash etc) means they can't have their weekly dinners? It just seems like an excuse for not wanting to sell the family home? Which for me, wouldn't really cut it when it's explicitly unaffordable.

Why did he retire if he couldn't afford to?

Presumably if he had a job that could buy this house he's not stupid, what is his plan?

You need to go to some of these dinners so you can hear the discussions. I'll bet it's far more to do with protecting the inheritance than looking after DFIL's interests.

DFIL would sell up, move somewhere that suits his needs and live very well.

DC can take turns at hosting or host him individually - you need to accept that you will be part of that

Another one saying it just makes sense for him to downsize. There may even be enough equity to allow for a swanky kitchen diner extension or a insulated garden cabin to allow for the meals. Don’t know how your finances are arranged but can this money come from your husbands spends not joint money. If you FIL and MIL have been so poor with money is the mortgage paid off, are all bills on the best tariffs and is the house insured? Agree with a PP he needs to be maintaining the house too

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

I think that the siblings don’t want him sell and downsize because they’ve got pound signs in their eyes for the inheritance that will come off a 6 bed house when FIL dies.

Except it won't. He gets ill and goes into a nursing home -house spent and given to council.

Better to sell it now -and he gives everyone £50,000 and moves in with one of the children.

It's a tough decision, but I think that I would go along with it if you can afford it and if fil is on board. It's nice that they are all so close and it must make a huge difference to fil in particular, esp after living on his own. The cost of the food is small, considering that DH and your children are also eating it. And travel costs are low. As for having a bigger garden for your kids, do they get to play with all their cousins in fils garden each week? If so, they will be benefitting from the enjoyment of that too. You do need to have a plan for other bills though and house maintenance.

They sound like a lot of children not wanting to face up to reality.

You need to tell your DH that he cannot sacrifice his family for this because there is an easy solution

Sell the 6 bedroom house and find a smaller house with an open plan kitchen and dining area. Its shouldnt be that hard to find if that is the priority. 2/3 bed flats often have a lot of open plan living space that will suit his needs

So state pension is what? Max of £175 a week. That will go no where to run a 6 bedroom house. Even adding in family contribution that won’t cover heating it in winter, council tax, gas and electric and food bills. As you say, what happens if the boiler breaks down or there is something major like a roof repair?

The not going round together is a red herring. They can. End of story. Even if it’s a small one bedroom house. You make it work and sit on the floor if necessary eating your tea. I think I agree that this is siblings thinking about an inheritance.

In all honesty - I wouldn't get involved. If asked for an opinion, I'd say what I think would be the best solution but it would pretty much end at that. Of course, this is provided we can afford it - meaning: that my DH spends his 'spend' money on this. Does your DH has that amount available for himself monthly? If yes, then I do not see the problem.

I also don’t understand how paying two hundred quid a month pays all the bills, in what you classify as a house that is expensive to run.

And the men going round and cooking dinner for fourteen people twice a week and spending 25 quid on it is something I’d like to witness, and why they exclude the partners, is a bit odd.

Also if money is so tight you can’t afford the extra fifty quid, why are you saying you’d like to save it for the kids? Either you have it or you don’t.

I think many of us would like to know where he lives that a six bedroom expensive house only has bills of 200 quid a month op.

The whole set up just sounds nuts and they’re all thinking very short term. Recently retired suggests he’s not even 70 so this could go on another 20 plus years! The house will require maintenance, which someone will have to pay for, items like fridge, cooker, washing machine and so on will need replacing over time and of course as he gets older he likely won’t be able to stay on top of cleaning such a big house. Yet their main focus is on having a big enough fucking space to seat 14 for dinner !

IF they’re thinking about inheritance down the line and considering this an “investment”, they could be in for a nasty shock because if his health fails and he requires full time care there is an asset that (rightly imo) should be sold to fund that.

I don’t know what you can do except point out to DH that they’re all burying their heads in the sand. This man needs a smaller, more manageable property which could presumably be be bought outright from the sale of this house and leave him a hopefully decent sum of money to supplement his state pension.

*Does your DH HAVE... obviously.

Can he manage to live in such a big house alone, regardless of bills? My parents just had to downsize because the cleaning and maintenance of such a large house had become too much, even for two of them. They’re now much happier in a 3 bed.