Help! I don't want to pay FIL's bills!

[Blurp]

The background: DH has 3 siblings who live nearby. MIL died a few years ago, so FIL lives alone in the house DH grew up in. They describe themselves as "very close" and have always gone to FIL's twice a week for dinner (just the siblings and their kids, not partners). When MIL was alive, she cooked; since her death, they take it in turns to cook, so DH cooks once every other week. This costs about £25 each time, so about £50 per month.

FIL has recently retired. He has absolutely no savings (MIL was a HUGE spender and just spent it all), and gets only a state pension. He's realised that he can't afford to pay for all the bills. The house has 6 bedrooms, so it's huge, expensive Council tax, expensive to heat etc.

In my head, the solution is that he needs to move somewhere smaller and more manageable. However, DH & siblings are not in favour of this because then they wouldn't be able to go round all at once, certainly not twice a week.

His brother has suggested that they all chip in each month to cover the bills - about £50 each. So including the cost of cooking once a fortnight, we'd be forking out about £100 a month for this.

We could afford it, but we'd be sacrificing other things. For instance, we'd like to move to a bigger house (the kids would love some outdoor space). But that would be very tight financially if we had this extra money to pay each month. We'd also like to start saving some money for the kids each month too - £25 each would build up to a decent amount.

DH agrees with me in principle, but is being put under pressure by his siblings. He said he'd feel bad continuing to go to dinner twice a week if he wasn't paying his share. But he also doesn't want FIL to have to move, thereby possibly meaning that they can no longer all visit together.

There was a vague suggestion at one stage that if FIL didn't have enough space, they'd all take it in turns to go round each others' houses, so we'd host every other week. This won't work because both me and one of the other siblings partners work from home and it would be too disruptive (and anyway, I don't really want a big crowd of people in the house once a fortnight). Again, I feel like I'm getting in the way of the plans.

Any suggestions? Is it unfair of me to say no to us paying money to FIL each month? Or is it reasonable to expect him to live within his means, even if that means moving house?

It sounds like a mighty fine selfish set up

If you ended up hosting the dinner would you then be invited or would you have to make yourslf scarce ?

The big problem I can see is that £50/month across the siblings wouldn’t even pay the council tax on our house. So it’s not the principle so much that I think is the issue (though I’m not sure I would condone DH spending to support his parents I probably wouldn’t get a say if we could afford it), it’s the fact that running a house that size is a huge cost. The utility bills here are enormous too (double our old house).

I think the weirdest thing here is that partners are not included. Why on earth do you and the other partners all put up with that twice a week every week?

What would happen if you said, "I'm family. I'm coming to the family meal with my husband and my children?"

Have you spoken to the other outlaws about being expected to contribute to FIL's bills? Would they be up for joining forces and explaining why this is not going to happen?

Rattling around in a 6 bedroomed house on his own is ridiculous. If FIL has just realised he can't make ends meet, then he needs to talk to a financial adviser to see what his options are.

And one of them is not sponging off his adult children.

Also I’m struggling to believe that someone whose job afforded them an enormous house doesn’t have access to a decent private pension, possible even a final salary one. Are you sure this isn’t the case?

There is so much weird about this I don't even know where to start.
So starting small - £25 makes a meal for 14 people? How?
Even if it was sausage and mash every time you'd be pushed surely?

But the rest of it, the very very weird family commitments that drone on unchanged forever and cannot be disturbed - I'd be tempted to put some kind of bomb under the lot of them, it'd drive me bonkers.
And you can only work when your husband takes the kids out because you are dependant on working on the kitchen table? When FIL is living in a SIX BEDROOM HOUSE alone? Can you see how completely fucking insane that is?

Can any of the siblings (and their families) move in? It would be a huge change, but if the siblings are so attached to the house and FIL can't afford to run it on his own, that could be an option. Family is different to random lodgers moving in. Of course, having to share with young kids might make FIL immediately wish to downsize...

So I don't think you should be paying for FIL to stay in a house that is too big for him, the amounts aren't huge but as others have mentioned one big repair - which is inevitable in a house that size - and you'll be expected to chip in for that as well.

You can't force FIL to sell the house, nor can you force DH to stop paying into it. But you can make it clear that you're unhappy about it, and that contributing to big repairs is the point at which you put your foot down - of course by that stage if there is a big repair bill it will be too late.

I think if you could get the house sorted, then hosting the meals once a fortnight would be a reasonable price to pay. If you need the time for working, then decamp somewhere and let DH do the hosting - bet he goes off the idea quite quickly then.

This man spent his life bringing up our husband and his siblings. And your begrudging him £50 a. Month?
He’s family sound close knit and have a lot of memories tied up i that house and they want to keep it. You say you want outside space for your kids but the get that around there grand dads and are making close bonds with there cousins which is great.

Equity release is a possibility, these days you can arrange to get the money in smaller amounts so for instance withdraw enough for 5 years at first. The answer really is move of course

I think for me I would help only because if it was either of my own parents I would want to help as they have helped me DH out so many times financially I would want to return the favour and make sure they weren't worrying or without.

I think the money is a reasonable amount just to keep the peace between everyone. You accept the money goes out, but in exchange your dh knows he did what he could for his dad, remains on good terms with his siblings, and you avoid being host for these ghastly dinners. For me, that would be a small price to pay for peace and quiet.

I do think there needs to be a cultural/mindset shift regarding forever homes though. The idea that you stay in your home forever is becoming unsustainable. Out there will be a family of six who are struggling to find a big enough home, with multiple kids squashed into a box room, while dozens of widowers solely inhabit massive houses. I'm sure it must be so difficult to leave your family home with so many memories and old people are set in their ways, but it doesn't make sense from any other perspectives why all that space should go to waste.

The whole thing sounds nuts and I can't understand why someone hasn't knocked it on the head before now. If my husband did this two nights a week all year, he wouldn't be my husband anymore. Everything you do must be planned around being available for dinner. Has no ones children rebelled and said they want to go to ballet, scouts, judo, chess club yet?

I would say no. I have a small 3 bedroomed house, we have a very extendable dining table. Or we have a nice buffet.

What happens when more grandchildren arrive, are they going to buy a bigger house?

This is ridiculous

The meals get togethers I can just about see as feasible cost wise as you save on a family meal for DH and the kids twice a week for a cost of £25 a month. Just about works out.

The time away from you is another matter but that’s your call.

Paying for bills to keep up a huge six bedroomed house for one elderly man purely so he can host a get together is insane

£25 a month in savings for each of your kids will contribute to future university and all sorts- things that could literally change their lives. I wouldn’t even consider sacrificing that in order to facilitate something that could easily be done another way.

He can downsize and still have a bigger kitchen diner that they can all fit in. He doesn’t have to live in a mansion to achieve that.

You won’t change how they operate but you can safeguard money for your own children and I would stand up for that.

How old is FIL out of interest? If he is 65 then this could fumble on for another 20 years or more.

As a short term solution, if you can afford it, I'd pay for the sake of your relationship with your husband. However, paying FIL's bills is not a feasible long term solution. How old is he? The frailer he gets, the costs/time comittment will continue to rise. A large 6 bedroom house is unsustainable to someone who is on a state pension only - he needs to downsize and release equity to pay for his own bills and potential future care costs. Have the siblings discussed the possibility of FIL moving in with one of you? Would you consider buying FILs House and moving in whilst allowing him to live there? As previous posters have said, I think going round twice a week without you is a huge time commitment. Wouldn't FIL prefer a short visit from one sibling each day so he always has a daily visitor?

They describe themselves as "very close"

the thing about their "closeness" is that it's all fun and "hilarious tedious banter"

I don't really want a big crowd of people in the house once a fortnight

It’s fairly obvious what you think of your husband’s family OP. This is a matter for you to sort out with him.

Look into equity release... FIL can stay where he is - give his children a lump sum and keep some to pay his bills and the interest on the loan.

How old is FIL? How old is the house? Has anyone really looked at the running costs? Will an extra £200 a month really cover it? What happens if he becomes infirm - is their a downstairs bedroom and bathroom? What about the garden - does he need help with it. Is it big enough that he can sell a building plot?

Everyone needs to have a sensible conversation about how they see the next 20 years.

Grandchildren will develop their own interests and social lives.

From what I've learnt in my family set up it gets much much harder to move the older you are. If he's in his 60's/70's moving now would give him chance to get used to a new house, make additional friends and happy memories.

I think people suggesting FIL downsize ,are missing the emotional part of all this .DH and his siblings obviously like the comfort of their old family home ,and seeing FIL there. TBH It doesnt seem a huge amount to me, as PP said you are saving money on feeding DH/DC at home! Also having a nice bit of "me " time! Many people would be well envious of! Although the house is expensive to run ,everyone is getting pleasure from this arrangement .Without sounding morbid ,FIL will not live for ever ,and you and DC/DH will have some inheritance to come in the future ,which would be easily met by a £25.00 saving from you ATM.

@2beautifulbabs

I think for me I would help only because if it was either of my own parents I would want to help as they have helped me DH out so many times financially I would want to return the favour and make sure they weren't worrying or without.

But they're not really doing him a favour by helping him stay in a very large house that he can't afford to run and potentially won't physically be able to manage as he gets older. Plus it's likely to be better for his mental health if he downsizes sooner rather than later.

Hopefully the financials will stack up that he can afford to downsize. It's not a given, in some parts of the country there are 6 bedroom terraces available for not very much at all, it's not necessarily a large expensive detached that many are imagining

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-76755394.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-82878097.html

But in any case, it's ridiculous that the OP should help finance this to the detriment of their own finances.

The FIL needs to either downsize, or if he is adamant that he wants to stay rattling around in a massive house, he should release some equity to allow this. But first perhaps do a benefit check because, as others have said, if he does only have the basic state pension, he will be entitled to pension credit and help with council tax costs on top of that.

The twice weekly family dinners sound like a nice thing, although if they are too time consuming, maybe not go to all of them?

That idea makes no sense. A huge house would be a terrible burden on an old man to keep clean and maintain.

If he won't move then he needs to consider taking out some equity against his home . Maybe that will make all the siblings think twice about him staying there when they see the amount of interest he will be paying on that - straight out of the inheritance pot.

I think people suggesting FIL downsize ,are missing the emotional part of all this

Not really. Most people are well aware that houses have associated 'memories' when someone has lived there for decades raising a family, but there comes a time when practicality needs to take over, and it sounds like that time has come with this family.

What does FIL want? Because that's what matters. If he wants to stay in the house he lived in with his dead wife for a few more years, and his children want him to stay, then I'd contribute the £50 a month.

If you genuinely can't afford it, your husband needs to have a quiet word with his siblings. All the other info is red herrings.

There are a number of things going on and should be looked at separately, firstly are the siblings resistant due to sentimentality about their childhood home? If so then it may take time to see that they including Fil can not afford that luxury.
If Fil cannot afford a six bedroom house he needs to downsize and live within his means not his children's
The dinners sound nice and unless you are upset about being excluded the cost seems fair a 6.25 a meal.
If you don't want to host I understand but you'll have to look at what in this situation is a reasonable compromise as you could move and host twice a month and not have to contribute to his bills if he downsizes. And have a nice home office as well!
This is obs important to your partner I suppose is what can you do to support him and still be happy with arrangements.

Move into fil house? Win win.