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Original poster

How did you decide whether to have a second child?

64 replies

ShrimpingViolet · 28/07/2020 18:29

Just that really. Have one DD, 15 months. I'd like to decide maybe in the next six months whether to have another.

My head says stick at one for a variety of reasons - probably nicer lifestyle, easier to manage, start to get some time back as DD grows

But then...when I think of shipping stuff off to the charity shop I waver. It would be nice for DD to have a sibling (probably, realise there are no guarantees they'd be pals). And I feel like it would be less terrifying second time around.

But do I want to go through it all again? It'd be a planned section if I did. And would have another small child to contend with while recovering and looking after a newborn, which is a bit scary.

Going round the houses endlessly in my head, so thought I'd get some MN wisdom!

OP posts:

GAL8 · 22/10/2020 15:22

@ShrimpingViolet she's doing so well thanks. We have been very lucky in a very unlucky situation. You would never know. If you spent time with her you still wouldn't know. She's a happy little thing & pretty switched on for her age in my opinion.
Just one of those things unfortunately & isn't as uncommon as one may think. I never once worried about the baby's health in my pregnancy, I only worried about the birth. Once that was done I thought we were sorted! But she started having seizures at a few hours old & then she was straight to ICU. She stayed in the NNU for 16 days. So sadly it has opened my eyes to how things can go wrong. And I hate that it has, but I can't change my experience sadly. Wish you could just fast forward the 9 months of waiting!

hemhem · 22/10/2020 15:54

I deliberated over this for a long time before we had our second. DD1 was a bad sleeper, didn't sleep through the night till age 3 and so we have a 4 year age gap as I just couldn't face the thought of 2 kids up in the night every night. I had an easy pregnancy with DD2 but after she was born it was really hard going back to no sleep and DD2 also has some health conditions which have made her much higher needs than DD1. I constantly feel guilty I can't spend as much time with DD1 as I used to and whilst DD1 loves her sister more than anything, our life would definitely have been easier in the short term with only 1 child. I am hoping as DD2 gets older things with her health will settle and we will enjoy both DC more. At the moment it feels like an uphill battle some days and it has pushed me and DH to the brink of our marriage many times.

Sunsage · 22/03/2021 08:10

Sorry to jump back on this old thread but I'm just wondering if you ever decided??

I'm having this decision at the minute, DS is 6 months and I cannot decide!! Swaying more towards no leave it at 1!

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Families

MackeyJ · 08/01/2023 21:50

I know this is an old thread, but I’m super interested to know if DC2 ever happened @ShrimpingViolet? Your original question to open this thread is exactly what me and my husband are discussing about at the moment and we have a 15 month old daughter.

if you did or didn’t go with DC2, I’m interested to know what your reasoning was.

Original poster

ShrimpingViolet · 09/01/2023 04:58

Hi @MackeyJ - yes we did in the end! DS is almost one. He's a delight. He's been a very chilled out baby and while it's occasionally hard (doing bedtime if one of us isn't around can be tricky) I wouldn't say it's that much harder than having one.
The thing I wasn't quite prepared for is how great a big sister DD has become. She loves him so so much and seeing her in that 'role' has definitely been one of the best things, for all four of us.

No regrets! Hope that helps you come to a decision 🙂

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MackeyJ · 09/01/2023 06:53

@ShrimpingViolet Aww congratulations! So happy you came to a decision. Just wish we could haha!

What made you jump off the fence and say “come on let’s do it!”?

Original poster

ShrimpingViolet · 09/01/2023 07:58

I think we thought in the end that we'd always be thinking "what if" if we didn't, and that even if it was hard in the early years, it wouldnt always be the case.

It also helped to think about how we ideally wanted our family to look in 20 years' time, whether we still wanted just one child or two. We're not having any more and I definitely feel 'done' so it's nice to finally have that clarity of thought!

We also had a bereavement in our close family and that sort of made us lean towards having another too, as I hope they'll always be able to depend on each other for support in hard times.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShrimpingViolet · 09/01/2023 08:04

What do you think is your main barrier @MackeyJ? When do you want to decide by?

OP posts:

MackeyJ · 09/01/2023 20:09

@ShrimpingViolet
I don't know for certain. My daughter is an easy baby, she's becoming a little diva now but nothing too bad. I'm just worried about getting stressed and too exhausted, having a difficult baby, it putting stress on our marriage etc etc. We are a strong couple, together 14.5 years, married 3.5. I've always been the sort of person to worry about making the wrong decision and having regrets. Quite sad and pathetic sounding really.

Original poster

ShrimpingViolet · 09/01/2023 21:27

It's not at all @MackeyJ - You'll never make a bigger decision than this!

I did have all these worries too. I don't want to say it's all plain sailing and obviously everyone's experience will be different but it has definitely been less stressful than I anticipated.

OP posts:

MackeyJ · 09/01/2023 22:19

Never thought this would be such a difficult decision but I have been told by friends that it is good we are thinking so hard because it means will we know for sure what our choice is.

Like my husband always says “we will never know until it happens”

MackeyJ · 10/01/2023 06:44

@ShrimpingViolet Better to be super sure though isn’t it!

AmyandTheo · 10/01/2025 23:43

Can you tell me what you decided @ShrimpingViolet ? 4 years later😂

I'm currently deciding whether to have another one, or to stick with one!

Original poster

ShrimpingViolet · 11/01/2025 07:08

@AmyandTheo We did go for it in the end! DS is almost three and DD nearly 6. Just under 3 year age gap. Zero regrets. They are both quite different personalities (DD more strong willed, emotional, deeper thinker and DS more happy-go-lucky) but they have a lovely relationship. They fight as all siblings do but also play together a lot and really love each other.

It was way easier going from 1-2 than from 0-1 for me. Trickiest period for both has been toddler tantrum period but we are starting to come out the other side of that now.

I guess you are rolling the dice every time when you do decide to go for it as to whether you get a bad sleeper, etc etc but I was much more relaxed second time around knowing that even if you're having an absolutely awful rough period with teething/illness/behaviour or whatever that it's only ever just a phase.

Having said that, life would be sooooo easy now if we just had DD! But couldn't imagine life without DS, he is wonderful, and really glad we did decide to do it because I think I'd always be wondering if I did the right thing if not.

Hope this helps!! I was so on the fence about it you wouldn't believe.

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