How did you decide whether to have a second child?

[ShrimpingViolet]

Just that really. Have one DD, 15 months. I'd like to decide maybe in the next six months whether to have another.

My head says stick at one for a variety of reasons - probably nicer lifestyle, easier to manage, start to get some time back as DD grows

But then...when I think of shipping stuff off to the charity shop I waver. It would be nice for DD to have a sibling (probably, realise there are no guarantees they'd be pals). And I feel like it would be less terrifying second time around.

But do I want to go through it all again? It'd be a planned section if I did. And would have another small child to contend with while recovering and looking after a newborn, which is a bit scary.

Going round the houses endlessly in my head, so thought I'd get some MN wisdom!

You're certainly right on the sibling aspect not being the only reason @StuckInTheMiddleWithTwo, something to focus on for sure.

@normandy144 in all honesty I think I would be happy but also terrified! I basically need to become a member of the royal family and know I'd have staff on hand if it all gets too much on any given afternoon

Oh my god @ParkheadParadise

Yeah probably won't leave it THAT long to decide. Although at this rate...

@ShrimpingViolet it’s been a brilliant age gap for us. I had DD1’s last year before school off on maternity leave which was lovely and meant she could go to the local preschool rather than the nursery I used when at work so she made friends with children who would be going to school with her and I made lots of Mum friends which was a nice bonus! There’s never been any jealousy between my girls and I think that’s because they’ve always been at slightly different stages but not so different that they didn’t want to do the same activities etc. They just get on really well - they even like to sleep in the same room on non school nights, DD1 on a pull out bed!! Another benefit is that DD1 now helps DD2 with maths homework which is great as it isn’t a strong point for me! The only disadvantage I would say is that it’s tricky to tell one off without the other leaping to her defence!!

Ah it sounds like they have a lovely relationship @justjuggling. Must be great to see! That's the sort of thing that makes me think we should!

Did you find going from one to two hard?

We're having the same thoughts as you OP although my DH is 46 and he is less keen as he would be retired before this child reached university.

I have two sisters and a really good relationship whilst DH has an OK but distant relationship with his brother so we have different views on siblings.

I would personally like another but would understand if DH says that DD is going to be an only.

I'm in the same head space also.DD is 18 months. I'm one of 4, OH is single child. However. And in no way do I mean to be rude or freak anyone out here. But when my daughter was born she had a stroke. Normal healthy pregnancy, full term, no warnings.

I'm so jealous/envious of all of the replies you've received so far of parents basically just saying they would/have had a second child, making it sound easy. I wish I felt the same. I'm envious that people can just crack on & they don't automatically think about the health of the child, just whether a second one is something they want to/can commit to. Every day I think of having another one & all I can think is how terrified I would be of something unexpected happening again.

In your position though with no such history, I say go for it. One day the choice will be taken away from you. If you're even thinking about it, I'd say that's more for than against OP.

We started TTC DC2 when DC1 was 18 months, we always knew we wanted two DC though. DC1 was unplanned but once he was here we just decided on the very minimum age gap and took it from there, after I was given advice from someone not to assume you'll conceive easily 2nd time even if you did first so that's what spurred us on to get started on TTC no2 as soon as we got to the minimum gap.

When DS was 18 months I definitely wasn't ready for another although I did always have that planned at some point. I'd leave it a bit longer as you'll probably find it easier and start to miss the baby days more if it is what you really want.

We have a 3 year gap which has been perfect for us and the time when DD was a newborn and DS a 3 year old (which I'd been nervous about!) was such a lovely time.

I think going from 1 to 2 is hard but it's not as hard as the initial shock of the first born, a bit more relentless but less life changing if that makes sense. And you worry and fret so much less about things like feeding, sleep, development, weaning, minor Illness, etc my experience!

Mine are a week less than two years apart and we are starting to reap the rewards now at 2y9 & 9m. The older one looks out for the younger and they bring each other a lot of joy. I was a year apart from my brother and we are close still now. My DH has one from his first marriage but they’re 10 years older and I knew I didn’t want mine growing up without a sibling here 24/7. For holidays etc I wanted them to have someone to enjoy it with their age. I don’t regret it-and it’s worth the 8 months of double nursery fees 😬

I can well imagine it must be really difficult for you @GAL8, I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic time. How is your DD now?

Interesting that a few people seem to have found a three year ish gap worked well. I always thought if we did go for it it would be with a smaller gap but not sure that matters too much now.

We always knew we'd like 2. A boy and a girl. I know it's obviously not guaranteed but we'd both love one of each. So it was always the plan we'd have at least 2. Have a 5 year old so hopefully will have another one day

We are considering a second too but the gap would quite substantial and we can’t really start trying until we move house which isn’t happening any time soon.

You never regret what you do: you regret what you don't do.

The gap I wanted didn’t happen; the gap I have works better than I’d ever have dreamed. And I see gaps of 8 years working in my son’s friends (don’t have experience of others) although “working” looks different for different gaps.

And for reassurance: the love and feelings you have with one child aren’t halved at the birth of a second, they’re doubled. Which is weird, cos I’d never have felt it possible at the time I only had one.

Good luck.

We have DD, nearly 5.

She was conceived via IVF and after a not great pregnancy, followed by horrendous birth and PND I was totally against another one.
The thought of IVF again is not what I'd want to do.
But recently I've been having thoughts of how nice it would be to have another...DD goes on about a sister all the time.
But then I think of the sleepless nights and the PND induced crazy ness and I can't bare doing again.
We have a lovey life with DD, the three of us. I worry about money with another one, Would the stress kill off our marriage blah blah
But Ultimately without IVF we aren't likely to have another so it's really something I have to let go, as I won't do IVF again.

I've always wanted two children. Originally I thought I'd like a 2 year age gap. But when I had DC1, I found pregnancy, birth and the first year or so very difficult - more so than I expected (although I can't tell you exactly what I did expect!) It was a big shock to the system tbh. DH - who had originally said he wanted 2 or 3 children before DC1 was born - didn't want another at all for quite some time. I wasn't ready to try again until after DC1 turned 2, and luckily DH came around. We've now had DC2 and ended up with an age gap of 3.5 years.

It's early days and we're in the thick of it so I'll be honest, it's been hard. My second pregnancy was even more difficult than the first, as my PGP was worse and I had an energetic 2-3 year old to look after (plus lockdown, an unexpected extra challenge ). The birth was much better thankfully. The early days have been easier in some ways - we knew what to expect (very little sleep!) so it's been less of a shock to the system - but having DC1 makes it harder. His behaviour has deteriorated since DC2 was born and we have struggled to find the patience and mental energy to deal with it, as we're so exhausted from the nights. I am very glad indeed that DC1 is still going to nursery 3 days a week, as he enjoys it (and it benefits him to have that consistency) and I get easy days with the baby, napping if I can.

Over the last 6 weeks - well, the last 11 months - we've had plenty of "what have we done?!" moments but we also feel very lucky to have two healthy, lovely children and it just feels right - I have this sense of contentment and completeness about being a family of four (absolutely no more babies for me!)

My advice is not to rush the decision, assuming there are no fertility concerns and you still have time. Your feelings might change over the months to come. Maybe you and DH could revisit every few months or so to see how you both feel?

FWIW, I do think an age gap of 3+ years is ideal because you get funded childcare from the term after their third birthday, which makes it easier to afford to continue sending DC1 to childcare while on maternity leave with DC2.

@JamMakingWannaBe

You never regret what you do: you regret what you don't do.

Except that if you have another kid, you've not had an only child, so either way there's potential for regret.

Thanks @Namechange30 it's good to hear from someone who is in the early days I'm so fearful of!

I'm 33 so have time, presuming all goes without a problem but ideally I'd like us to have reached a decision either way by this time next year I think.

Really good to hear everyone's thoughts

I'm an introvert with anxiety and relatively low energy levels.I need sleep and alone time.
So ds is an only... Hasn't asked for a sibling since he was 3.

18 months is so little still. Even when I always knew I wanted two, I definitely didn't want another at 18 months. It was closer to about 3.5 when I could finally start to see how that would work in our family. We always intentionally wanted about a 4-5 year age gap, so that was fine. There's almost exactly 5 years between ours. They aren't little and intense forever. By the time the 2nd came along, our eldest was in school, had her own friends, an independent social life, could get her own snacks and drinks, get herself dressed and get in the shower on her own, etc. So it wasn't like having two babies at the same time at all. I had loads of time with both of them when they were little as dd was in school all day every day when I was on mat leave. Fwiw, my 2nd one was a breeze compared to the first. He slept well, ate well, was really easy going, and it was actually much easier having two than going through just having my first when she was a baby. You also just know what you're doing the 2nd time around and that makes it easier too.

I think with some things like having another kid, if it isn't a 'fuck yes', for both parents, then it's a no - ideally. Obviously balancing the potential risks and responsibilities with what you're feeling is a lot harder than that for many people.

For me, a large part of it was how involved my spouse was (and how supportive his family and our support network was). With our first, it took me some time to get to 'fuck yes' because I wasn't sure how we'd handle it, if he would take on the role he said he wanted, and I had long felt I could be equally happy with 0-6 kids. When I saw it actualized, I got to that fuck yes point again, I felt we could take on the risks & that most likely it would be worth it. I don't think I would have gotten there if my spouse hadn't been the main carer and as supportive as he was, motherhood hadn't come really naturally for me. It was another child together, for all of us, it seemed like an amazing idea worth the risks, more about us than me, if that makes sense. Our kids are all about 2.5 years apart.

We stopped when we felt (though I was the first to say, as we walked out of my last antenatal appointment) that even if we could take on more risk with a 5th, I didn't want to do that. I'm quite happy DS2 is our youngest and that we've moved out of little ones and onto the next part of our lives together.

I don't think "You never regret what you do: you regret what you don't do." applies at the best of times - there are a fuckton of things I regret doing, I've made a lot of mistakes, thankfully they're all a lot easier to live with than a child. Not having a child is less risky in nearly every way than having one, so if on the fence, I'd lean towards no while exploring both sides of this.

Thanks @BiBabbles, that's a really interesting take. My DP is a great dad, very involved, although has a very demanding and busy job so it can be a tricky balance when he has very full on days. We are also lucky enough to have family help and DD spends a night a week with her GPs at the moment.

Also good to hear your experience of a slightly bigger gap @mindutopia, makes a lot of sense.

I think we will spend the next year or so really considering all the aspects and then decide. Thanks again everyone.

I think it's hard to predict how a toddler will react to siblings. I really thought my DD would struggle, but she was absolutely fine.

We were going to go for a 3 year gap, not just because of the nursery funding but because it would work well in terms of DD1 vacating her ERF car seat just as the baby moved out of the infant carrier, would only need one high chair for the same reason, etc. But I got broody sooner than I expected, so we agreed to go for a shorter gap - and then ended up with twins!

In terms of juggling multiple kids, I found it got easier when DD1 reached 2 and a half - at that age, she suddenly got a lot better at both following instructions and playing more independently. It's actually a bit more challenging now that she's potty trained though... When she was in nappies, I could just change her in the living room and keep an eye on everyone - now she needs help using the toilet, which means either leaving the separation-anxiety-aged-babies in the living room for a moment, or bringing them with me/letting them follow; which means juggling helping DD1 with trying to stop the babies touching the toilet (not so bad when DD1's on it - harder once we're at the sink...!)

I'm really interested in this whole second-child thing too.
My dd is 18mo and hasn't been a difficult baby or toddler so far...but I have high-functioning autistic spectrum disorder and I found the first year extremely difficult.
The thought of going through PND and sleep deprivation and trying to breastfeed all over again when I'm JUST beginning to enjoy my dd makes me feel shaky and sick. Even though (with enormous gratitude) I can say my pregnancy and birth were both straightforward.
The only-child-playing-on-the-beach story really pulled on my heartstrings though, maybe it's selfish of me to let dd be an only child....