How did you decide whether to have a second child?

[ShrimpingViolet]

Just that really. Have one DD, 15 months. I'd like to decide maybe in the next six months whether to have another.

My head says stick at one for a variety of reasons - probably nicer lifestyle, easier to manage, start to get some time back as DD grows

But then...when I think of shipping stuff off to the charity shop I waver. It would be nice for DD to have a sibling (probably, realise there are no guarantees they'd be pals). And I feel like it would be less terrifying second time around.

But do I want to go through it all again? It'd be a planned section if I did. And would have another small child to contend with while recovering and looking after a newborn, which is a bit scary.

Going round the houses endlessly in my head, so thought I'd get some MN wisdom!

Also just to add - I know a second wouldn't be a given. And don't mean to sound insensitive to anyone struggling with infertility at the moment

I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. I think and have said on this site that to have one child my opinion is you either need to be an extrovert parent or have an introverted kid. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate raising another child isn’t to be taken lightly but to have to solely entertain 1 all the time, even as far as them having dinner after school would be difficult.

DH and I always wanted more than one but we were waiting for several things first. We bought a house and got married. DD1 was nearly 5 by the time we were ready for another but I would have liked another one sooner. Between 5 and 6, she started asking for a sibling whilst DH and I were TTC. It took over a year and we’re now expecting DD2 in September. DD will be 6.5.

Everyone will know at different times or you may decide you’re happy with one.

I’m one of 3 and husband is one of 5. I always knew I would have more than one. I have two. There are 2yrs 5mths between them. Same sex and they are really good friends (adults now).
I always feel a bit sad for only children and think there are lots of benefits to having a sibling.
If you have another and have a c section then you will have to make sure your husband and other family will be willing to help. Might be worth getting your daughter into nursery beforehand so she is used to it and it will give you time to recover alone with your newborn.
But whatever you choose to do has to be right for you and your family and circumstances.

Simple - I had such a crap time delivering my first that I knew she would be an only child if I did not get on and have another quickly before I had too much time to think about it. Since we did not want her to be an only child we just got on with it.

Sometimes it is possible to think too hard. If you work it out, for most people there is never a good time to have a baby!

What is the reason for deciding in the next 6 months? When your DC is a bit older it might become clearer whether you want to do it all again or not. Plus free childcare from age 3 makes a 3 year gap a good idea.

Sat on the beach in Majorca with dh and dd age 2 all the other families had more than one dc and they were playing together. Dd was desperate to join in and a couple did let her for a short time but then they’d go and do something else and dd would look sad. That was the moment we decided we didn’t want an only dc.

With lock down I’m so so glad we don’t have just one dc. That said, pregnancy no 2 was twins so we have 3dc. I love them and wouldn’t change it but life would definitely be easier with 2 dc

Good to hear everyone's experiences, thank you The Majorca beach story strikes a bit of a chord with me, can see why you made that decision @m0therofdragons

DD is in nursery two days a week already but that's a good point @Twospaniels.

@Houndabouttown want to decide soonish mainly because if we're going to do it I'd rather just go for it but the 3 year gap does make sense too.

We decided not to have another. I’m one of three, husband one of two but we don’t see much of siblings now.
I think only children had it harder years ago when the world wasn’t as interconnected as it is now with instant messaging, FaceTime, online presence and all the kids clubs and activities. Back then only child meant sometimes being lonely whereas now I don’t think it means the same.

I think you do have to put more time and energy into playing with your only, in comparison to siblings entertaining each other.
However, me and my daughter spend a lot of time together and we do lots as a family. There’s family game board nights, sleepovers with friends or family but she is also perfectly happy doing a lot of things alone too. She’s not outgoing but definitely isn’t shy. She’s done ballet competitions and theatre craft, a few dance shows that never phased her.
There’s quite a lot of swimming, dancing, gymnastics and things so lots of friends everywhere and cousins to play with so I don’t feel she misses out.

It’s a hard decision, mainly based on the fact that you don’t know whether a second child would be a positive for your first.
Alternatively you also don’t know if your only child will be the child that longs for a sibling or not (my daughter likes our life with her as an only, but obviously if we had decided on a second when she was younger we wouldn’t have known that opinion)
some children, based on personalities, would benefit from being an only, some a sibling but either way you need to make peace with what you decide as there is no right or wrong, just what is a good fit for your family

I find it easier having 2 as they play with each other so weirdly means we get more time to ourselves than if we only had 1 child

I'm pregnant with our second. Our DD is 14 months. Tbh our decision was made partly by my age (40) and also because I grew up alone and it could be so boring. I do have siblings but the age gap meant they left home while I was still young. I'm hoping that by being close in age they'll get on and play well together.

Im also feeling daunted at the prospect of managing two though 😬

Congrats @BuffaloMozzerella

It's really good to hear everyone's experiences. I have half siblings but with a big age gap so basically had an only child upbringing. I wasn't unhappy but would have liked a sibling I think.

Following with interest- trying to decide for ourselves at the moment!!!!

We'd talked about it before we settled down together and married - it'd be a big problem to find out when pregnant with your first that one of you wanted to be 1 and done and the other wanted 4 children!

DC1's birth was life threatening due to hemorrhage so we did make an appointment for a debrief and fact gathering before TTC dc2 and wouldn't have if another pregnancy would have been an unreasonable risk.

Obviously things can change but we knew before ttc dc1 that we wanted 2 as close together as possible. They were inseparable until they were 7 and 9, at which point they grew apart a bit, but they still hang out together now they're teens. We also had dc3 not too long after dc2, which we weren't set on from the start but they really benefited from having one another during lock down - can't really feel isolated with a house full!

I'm returning to this thread to give it a bump cos we are still no bloody closer to reaching a decision. I don't know how people ever bloody decide.

I'm possibly now leaning a bit more towards having a second, but maybe expanding the timeframe by a year or so. Still not sure I'll ever be quite in a place where I tip over the line in wanting to start from scratch.

I really envy people who know definitively what they want! Any other pearls of insight? Benefits of onlys? Regrets? Help!

I just took it as it came but I enjoyed time with my dc more when he hit 18mo and even more at 2 then more still at 3 as we enjoyed more and more family days and activities together and I just knew I couldn’t go back to carrying a baby around and being limited again in the early toddler years. I’ve never been a “baby” person and I enjoyed it once but a second would have been purely for society’s pressure to make a sibling for existing dc. It began to feel a bit morally wrong to have a child just for dc to play with (and they could have hated each other!)

I’ve got to say have another. My DC get so much from each other and I hope will in later life too, and in a time when I’m not here. I get a huge amount from watching them interact and I think the time in my life I felt the most like a ‘proper’ mother was watching dc1 holding dc2, then later on when they began to play together. Please note the inverted commas, I don’t in any way mean to imply anyone isn’t a ‘proper’ mother, it is purely how I felt about myself and the best way I have to describe the awed, terrified, proud, vaguely horrified happiness of the second one, like the first one could have been a fluke somehow and with two there was no doubt of the intention and the permanency of the family unit. It wasn’t an easy journey to get dc but I have never regretted dc2.

I was close to my sibling as a child and continue to be as an adult and I wanted that for my DD. I always saw myself with two children. My DD was loved babies of friends. Thought she might want someone to help deal with me when I get old! Lots of reasons really. I was so sure that we went through ivf to get dd2 as it wasn’t happening naturally the second time. There’s 3.5 years between my girls and they have adored each other since day one and although now tween/teenagers are the very best of friends. But as I said, I just ‘knew’ I wanted 2. Take your time to decide, there’s no rush.

Oh OP tricky one.

I knew that I wanted more than one. It wasn’t the fear of only children as young children, but seeing my MIL as an only child deal with her mother’s decline over 15 years really brought it home to me how much a sibling would have made the experience possibly less lonely. And of course there are no guarantees that it would, but that more than anything made me feel for the only children I know.

It was straightforward for me, but the parents of onlies I know (both intentionally and unintentionally) often report how much they long for a sibling. it’s likely a conversation you’ll have with your DD in time too.

FWIW I didn’t find anything in my subsequent babies as difficult as the world changing effect of the first one.

(I’m not you. But if you’re on the fence I’d say go for it, as I think you’re less likely to regret it than not. But everyone is different)

I definitely wanted one. When she was born I wasn't sure I was cut out for being a mother! However, it was a bit late by then. I wasn't ready to begin thinking about having another for around 18 months, DD1 was hard work. However, I didn't want her to be an only child. We have a gap of just under 3 years, it works really well. The first year it wasn't much harder to have 2 than 1. Then from DD2 being about 1-3 it was quite difficult but now they are 8 and 5 it's great. They spend so much time together dancing, playing schools, watching tv. They definitely are pleased to have each other most of the time, and as a previous poster mentioned the amount they play together does give us a bit of a break. Especially on weekend mornings now DD1 can get them with breakfast!!! Was absolutely the right thing for us, certainly not having any more!!

DH and I knew we wanted 2 or three. It was quite a straightforward decision, DC1 was super cute and an easy baby, so I was pregnant again by the time she was 9 months.

The theoretical third child was bandied about for 2 years. First DH was keen, and I wasn't, then I was keen and DH wasn't. As we could never agree we left it, and quite honestly I'm very pleased we stuck at two. Ours are 9 and 11 now and a third would be more than my parenting skills could handle!

DC2 is two weeks old. DC1 is 28 months old. I flirted with the idea of an only, but every adult only I spoke to said they'd have preferred a sibling. Plus, I find entertaining DC1 a bit much at times and am looking forward to DC2 taking over some of that. I loved having a sister growing up and thought that DC1 was becoming a bit self-centred and could do with someone to soar against and share with.

That said, I read a book that said you should not have a second DC just as a sibling- you should want then on their own merits. So, that'd be the question I'd be trying to answer if I were you.

I always knew I wanted 2. We waited until DD turned 2 and then started trying. We were lucky to conceive straight away. I have a sister and couldn't ever imagine having just the one child. The longer you wait harder it is to go back to the start again but in all honesty I think second time around , for us certainly, you have done it before and so you have more knowledge and I would say it is easier. Also the baby phase is really not that long. I think ask yourself if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow what would your reaction be?

Thanks so much everyone. I'm so on the fence that I've basically nodded along in firm agreement with all your different viewpoints! Totally with you @museumum on enjoying it more as they get older - DD is about to hit 18 months and is a joy (apart from the occasions when she's a terrorist).

I suppose my main reservations are taking my focus away from her. She's quite a strong personality and has been since she arrived so it's hard to predict how she would react to a second!

I think if we did our age gap would be similar to yours, all being well @justjuggling. Did you find it's been a good one?

Both DP and I found the newborn stage pretty hard at first. Felt like detonating a bomb in our lives! We soon got into the swing and I think we're doing alright as parents but I am fearful of going back to the days of broken sleep and nappy explosions. But then that's for such a short period in the grand scheme of things...

This is basically a window into my thought process so very sorry it's long and thanks to those reading and sharing their experiences. It's very much appreciated.

We didn't.
Dd2 was a surprise baby. Didn't find out until I was 5 months pregnant.
23 years after Dd1 was born🙉