Only Children: What are your thoughts or experiences?

[ottermum3]

Just that. If it was not a financial or age constraint, would you have an only? If you do, what are your thoughts about it?

Have this ongoing conversation with my sister and she believes only children are better off as the resources and time of parents is not diluted.

When she talks, I see her point but I am wondering if there are some sort of intrinsic benefits to having siblings

I’m an only child. I was very close to my cousins though. Disadvantages for me were not having a sibling to stick up for me (I was very shy as a child). Occasional loneliness. Lack of cousins for my dcs.
Advantages : more time with parents /grandparents. More attention, not going without.
Now as an adult I don’t know if I miss having siblings. There are so many people who are not close to their siblings.
I would have liked a much younger sister when I was a teenager. As a young child I never missed having siblings and now I don’t think I do either. I do have lots of friends and always have had.

Another only child here and had a lovely childhood and never felt like missed out. Had great group of friends at school many who would come to the house and stay and many of whom I remain in touch with now. I do feel like it left my parents more funds to spend on us as a family. My parents spoiled me a little in my younger years but in my teens they were much more measured. I wasn’t someone who got the newest computer or a car when I turned 17 for example but I remember mum and I enjoying going clothes shopping together both in high street and charity shops.

My husband is an only child (we can’t have children) mil keeps going on about grandkids and it all falls to us. I won’t discuss our private information with her. Everything falls to him if she has a problem, fix her curtains, take her shopping, sort her telly as she put the subtitles on and can’t get them off, have her at Christmas, pick her up....,no one else can take the slack.

I also notice a slight selfishness in him that he wouldn’t realise. He’ll change the channel without checking what I’m watching as he’s so used to being allowed to do what he wants. He once opened my box of chocolates that I got for Christmas from a friend as his mum always let him have any sweets. I said ‘did you just open my chocolates? They were a gift!’ He then asked ‘why is it such a big deal?’ Well it’s bloody rude you ask first. He tends to not talk about things and I have to drag them out of him.

@SueEllenMishke

Surely it depends on the type of parents you are and the lifestyle you have? DS is an only child and I don't want anymore for a number of reasons. He's growing up into a well rounded, happy little boy.

The three of us are a team and we have a great life. We're very sociable so we spend time with others and holiday with another family regularly - all the kids refer to each other as siblings and they're very close. He's also got lots of friends and cousins locally.

DH has three sisters and they're all close.
I have two siblings and can go years without seeing them.

Cousins is a big thing. As if you are in regular contact with your cousins your “only” has the opportunity to have a great bond. Where as if your child doesn’t have cousins the dynamics can be very different.

Friends are god's apology for relatives
That needs to be a tshirt

Disadvantages for me were not having a sibling to stick up for me
If someone at school asked if I had a brother, id say no. Avoided him at school. He is younger than me
So I can guarantee just having a sibling wouldn't mean you would have had someone to stick up for you.

mil keeps going on about grandkids and it all falls to us
The day dd was born MIL asked when was number 2
At that point she had 2 grandkids from the other brothers, it's taken for her to get another 3 grandkids from them and 10 years to stop asking me
If that's not happening tell her, you don't owe anyone grandkids. Its perfectly ok.

I also notice a slight selfishness in him that he wouldn’t realise He’ll change the channel without checking what I’m watching as he’s so used to being allowed to do what he wants
Dp will do that, he has 2 brothers
His brother would do the chocolate thing
Some people just like that, siblings or not.

He tends to not talk about things and I have to drag them out of him.
I'm like this, I'm just very guarded. I actually think having a sibling is why. I'd have to hide my things so they didn't get broken, not wake or upset him ever, even as an older kid. He came, I was irrelevant so learnt young to bottle feelings as next to my brother they didn't matter.

Cousins is a big thing. As if you are in regular contact with your cousins your “only” has the opportunity to have a great bond. Where as if your child doesn’t have cousins the dynamics can be very different

Close friends can be as good as cousins.
If you ask my DS to list his family my friends two children are named before his cousins.
The assumption that only children are lonely introverts is not always true. My DS (5) makes friends wherever he goes and we make sure he spends time with other children regularly.
It's parenting style that's key imo

@SueEllenMishke

Cousins is a big thing. As if you are in regular contact with your cousins your “only” has the opportunity to have a great bond. Where as if your child doesn’t have cousins the dynamics can be very different

Close friends can be as good as cousins.
If you ask my DS to list his family my friends two children are named before his cousins.
The assumption that only children are lonely introverts is not always true. My DS (5) makes friends wherever he goes and we make sure he spends time with other children regularly.
It's parenting style that's key imo

I’m not sure weather it’s parenting style I think children naturally have their own personalities... my child is very out going for an only. Friends and cousins are not the same in my opinion family really is important. Who is to to say my child is that way naturally or weather it’s because I try to do as many activities as possible with him?

I’m not sure weather it’s parenting style I think children naturally have their own personalities... my child is very out going for an only. Friends and cousins are not the same in my opinion family really is important. Who is to to say my child is that way naturally or weather it’s because I try to do as many activities as possible with him?

I think it's a combination of nature and nurture. Of course children naturally have their own personalities but humans are social beings and we learn from each other and learn what type of behaviour is acceptable of expected through positive and negative reinforcement.

As for the family/friends issue - well that depends on your family and friends! Yes family is important but friends can become as close ( sometimes closer) than family. My brother has met my 5 year old 3 times. He's just not that interested and has no desire to be part of our lives. However, my best friend and her family see me and my family at least once a week ( sometimes more) we holiday together, spend Christmas together and even go out for meals on father's and Mother's Day! The kids call themselves a family.

My best friend is an only and positively evangelical about it. Anecdotally all the onlies I know are lovely lovely people - my theory is they didn't grow up fighting so don't have that 'edge'. I am the youngest of 3 and have always been deeply insecure that I was an unwanted afterthought (I certainly wasn't wanted by the middle sibling who resents my existence to this day). I have an only more through circumstance than choice. I hope she will grow up feeling like my best friend does.

*I am an only child. Always loved it as a child and growing up. Didnt yearn for a sibling.

But now my parents are ageing and I start to feel the burden of everything falling to me. The attention I enjoyed from my parents when younger has become quite stifling in my adult years.*

This. Although I wouldn't want to change anything, it is hard knowing that I'll be alone when my parents die. My mum is terminally ill, and when she goes I think relationship with my dad may breakdown as he won't have my mum to keep him in order. I feel under so much pressure and I feel that no one knows how I feel.

I'm an only child, and have an only child, and we're all perfectly happy!

It's so easy to make generalisations about only children- selfish, spoiled etc. But it's like rainy bank holidays - you notice them because you expect them.

I didn't ever wish for a sibling because I had friends, loving parents, and I also enjoyed my own company. My dd is young, but seems to be the same so far.

Having siblings is no guarantee of a support network or friendship.

Being content and happy is nothing to do with siblings or lack of.

It's all just grass is greener. If you're an only and you think your life would have been better with a sibling there is no telling whether that would be true or not. It could have gone either way.
Same for reverse

Dh has a sibling but he does everything for his mum, his sibling doesn’t do anything at all. They don’t really speak now.
The number of siblings who are not close is quite startling I find.

I'm an only, and i have an only.

I grew up in a lovely community with plenty of friends. I was never lonely. I'm an introvert and being alone never bothered me, and it still doesn't.

However the responsibility of ageing family members falls to you, and you alone. When my mother died and I could have done with support myself, there was none as other family members were themselves dependent on me.

Someone upthread mentioned the responsibility of being the sole focus of your parents. That's true - there's nowhere to hide, no-one to blame and no-one to share with if you're an only.

I think being an only has made me into a hyper-responsible adult, something of a people-pleaser, but also with strong opinions and very independent.

Being a mother to an only was difficult for me. Ensuring that she had friends and company was practically a full-time job in itself.

She's great now - but rather too sensible, I feel. I was older having her and I think I would have been unable medically to have another.

She's never craved a sibling, thankfully.

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