Only Children: What are your thoughts or experiences?

[ottermum3]

Just that. If it was not a financial or age constraint, would you have an only? If you do, what are your thoughts about it?

Have this ongoing conversation with my sister and she believes only children are better off as the resources and time of parents is not diluted.

When she talks, I see her point but I am wondering if there are some sort of intrinsic benefits to having siblings

I have an only, 5 yrs old. I've just had my second miscarriage and I'm late 30's so am now giving serious thought to stopping completely.

If I'm being completely honest, I do love having one because it's so easy. He's great fun and we are very close. My husband and I have time for ourselves, life is just easy going and lovely. Our house is calm, but fun, perfect really.

BUT we play with him a lot, he craves interaction all the time. This can be exhausting at times. He has asked numerous times for a sibling, this hurts because he would be a fantastic big brother.

We are also very fortunate that we have a wide circle of friends and a large family so there's plenty of opportunity for him to get together with other kids. Although GreenTulips post has made me feel like we might be perceived as some kind of burden, so thanks for that!

Interestingly, most people we know actually have only children. The people we know with multiple kids do seem to have a very stressful life, parents run ragged, kids arguing. I can't think of a single family I know who have kids that get on really well.

Despite all of that, we still felt that having a sibling was best for our son and overall family dynamic. Perhaps that was an incredibly short sighted decision? Perhaps fate has decided for us anyway.

GreenTulip’s post is nasty BS, I’ve never heard anyone else express that view.

I thought I only wanted one, dh was happy with one. Had ds at 40 (I'm 45 now). A couple of years in and I wanted another, we don't really have any financial constraints, but DH doesn't (he's 6 years older than me), he thinks he's too old. I guess we both are now really. I do feel bad for ds sometimes, I think he can be lonely, but we do visit family, cousins, friends as often as we can and he loves going to preschool as he gets to play with lots of other children there. I am one of three and adore my bro and sis, so it makes me sad he won't have that same relationship with a sibling. I just hope that I'm not a burden or responsibility for him before I die. MIL is an only, and whilst her DM is still alive and relatively well, it's down to her and no one else to look after her DM and I know it's a bit draining on her sometimes.

Oh, and @GreenTulips, I have other kids over (pre covid) all the time.

I never really thought about it, until my divorced friend once told me she was petrified of her parents dying, because she was an only child then she'd have no one in the world (apart from her children).

I understand that she had a happy childhood, but she really felt the loneliness as an adult, as her parents grew older and more frail, she had to take on the burden of both parents, with no help or emotional support. I found it very sad.

I have a brother, I'm not particularly close to him, we don't meet up apart from when we're seeing our parents, but at the end of the day, I know he's got my back and I've got his. I know I could turn to him in my hour of need and he would drop everything for me. As I would for him.

As our parents are now getting older, it is nice to have someone to shoulder that burden with, just emotionally, even if I'm under no illusion I'll do the majority of the care when the time comes.

I can relate to lots of the posts about onlys, as one and mother of one, and those about siblings from what I see in my friends and their DC.

Something that fascinates me is that in all these posts, I haven't seen anyone talk about the difficulties for the world with a population nearing 8 billion. If everyone had no more than one child we would stand a chance of slowing some of the crises coming our way but it feels like almost no one even considers this let alone acts on it.

@Cordillera

Something that fascinates me is that in all these posts, I haven't seen anyone talk about the difficulties for the world with a population nearing 8 billion. If everyone had no more than one child we would stand a chance of slowing some of the crises coming our way but it feels like almost no one even considers this let alone acts on it.

Yeah, but this is MN. That kind of crisis and responsibility lies solely on the shoulders of 4x4 owners.

TBH I think it’s rare for siblings to really have a close relationship into adulthood. And care of elderly family does seem to always fall to one even if there are more.

I have an only through secondary infertility, but now looking back I think that if I had my time over again I would deliberately have stopped at one.

My DC does have a half sibling but they have nothing to do with each other, they maybe see each other once or twice a year.

I also have a sibling and we never speak or see each other either. We’re not on bad terms, we just don’t have a relationship iyswim.

Similarly my parents both have siblings and the relationships they have with them differs between each. But none of them are really close, and in both instances it was my parents who dealt with their elderly parents when they fell ill and died. The only involvement my dad’s siblings wanted was after the event to ensure they didn’t lose out on any of the money. .

IMO it’s not wrong to have more than one child, but it is wrong to have another just so your existing child has a sibling.

I have an only and really regret not trying for a second. (Lot of health/IVF issues at the time).
My DD has lots of play dates, experiences, amazing holidays etc but I can’t help but feel that a sibling would’ve made her life more enriched.
It’s the not having someone to share experiences with, just be around the house with.
Hate constantly having to arrange friends for days out.
If I had my time again I’d have had a second.

There are no only children in my entire family. I got the best of both worlds - had two siblings but didn't live with them, just visited. I loved having my own room and things that nobody else could mess with. Peace and quiet when I wanted it. Didn't have to share TV or gaming consoles. If I needs money for something, there weren't other siblings who needed the money too... Yet, when I visited them, I got the sibling side of things.

My DD is 4.5 and her dad's side of the family keep asking when we will have another... As do my friends! My best friend tells me "she needs a sibling" because she gets in so well with our mutual friend's son... 😬

But... I don't want another one. At all. Been there, done that and didn't enjoy it enough to do it a second time around. That doesn't mean I don't love my child but 18 years is a big commitment.

I had mine at aged 20, so by the time she's 18, I'll be 38. I wouldn't be financially ready for another kid until after I complete my degree etc, so about 30 at the earliest. Do I really want to be 48 by the time her sibling is 18? Not really....

So that's that

I'm an only and as a child I loved it - I was never lonely and if you'd asked me at age 6, 10, 12 etc. I would definitely not have wanted a sibling, but as an adult I very much do wish that I had at least one. I feel like I missed out by not having that relationship - even if you don't always get on I think most people still get/learn something positive from the experience of growing up with siblings. I wasn't a brat, I was well brought up, but I was quite spoiled materially and in terms of attention as there was nobody else to spend money/time on. I was used to getting my own way by default, and that can be a hard mindset to change. Also as an adult I feel the responsibility of being the only one there for my Mum and Stepdad - they're only early 60s now but I have emigrated too so that's something we'll have to figure out in the future. I have two cousins (both also only children) who I was very close to growing up, I saw them pretty much every day, but it's not the same as a sibling relationship. Our mothers are sisters and get on extremely well.

I don't have any children myself - I would not have an only by choice, it was always a '2 or none' scenario in my head, and so far I'm happy with none. Neither of my cousins have any either.

I always find it dramatic when people only children talk about having "no one" when their parents die. I am an only and I know that my mum will die one day. Dying is a fact of life. I have plenty of family and friends.

The best times we have as a family though are with extended family and all the adults, children, siblings and cousins together. (Think of those Mediterranean families where all the generations sit and eat and celebrate together). Yes, there are fall outs and yes there are blips but there is always love, support and laughter.

That would never happen in my extended family. Nobody liked each other that much

I’m an only on my mum’s side but have half siblings on my dad’s side, so I sort of experienced both but I lived with my mum 90% of the time. I remember as my dad remarried thinking I’d get a sibling and being quite excited but when my sibling arrived it just wasn’t what I imagined. I guess now I’d say that I was underwhelmed. Maybe it was the larger age gap (7 years) or maybe it’s because I spent very little time at my dads. I think only being part of my dad’s life occasionally meant that I had no friends at my dad’s and so my visits were very much centred on keeping my brother amused and not me. As adults, I’m not close with either of my siblings. There’s no animosity but I don’t communicate with them regularly outside going to my dad’s.

I loved being an only on my mum’s side. My mum worked long hours and did a degree, so she didn’t have a lot of time to give me. However, the time she did have for me was just for me. She wasn’t well-off but just having me meant that we could do more fun things. She would take me somewhere most weekends. I played well by myself and was quite happy by myself (or playing with the dog) but I would also play with the neighbours. Mum sent me to brownies and youth club, which she wouldn’t have been able to afford if she’d had another child. I’m really close to my mum now and we have a great relationship. I know she wanted more children than just me but she’s also said that having just me meant she could give me better experiences or support if I needed it.

My husband has a brother, they grew up together and have a small age gap. They still don’t get on. They never have. MIL has said they’ve always been polar opposites of each other, she couldn’t have got two siblings further apart even if she’d meant to. Given BIL’s personality, it’s likely that we’ll be doing all the care for our in-laws. If that is the case, we’ll both be resentful to BIL for putting us in that situation. Whereas with my mum, we know what we are expecting, there is nobody else to share the burden. I think knowing that’s your reality, sets your expectations differently than having a sibling who won’t share the burden.

With regards care - you never know what’s going to happen. My mum had two sisters and both have died. So all care for my grandparents falls to my mum anyway. I think having children to share the burden of care is potentially a recipe for disaster. What happens when siblings disagree with how the care should be delivered?

We don’t have one yet but we’re both thinking we’ll only have one. Part of the reason is that having one will give us more opportunity to save for if we need care in the future. We’ve discussed it and will tell our future child that they don’t have to feel obligated to care for us, or even stay close to us. However, the downside is that there will be less inheritance for them. That’s a choice they make based on what is right for them. There’s no arguments with a sibling, there’s no feeling tied to a place because your sibling has gone travelling or moved away. Both of us also see our friends as our family, both of us are closer to a small group of friends than our siblings. We’d like to encourage our future child to make those friendships as they move through life to continue supporting them.

We had one by choice. We thought "let's have one, then see how it goes for another". Every time a milestone was passed I breathed a 'thank fuck for that' sigh of relief - walking, talking, out of nappies, out of the pushchair, end of tantrums. And he very rarely tantrummed.

He's now 8.5yo and has not once asked for a sibling. We have his friends over, he's invited to theirs, we meet in groups in parks, on the beach, on holiday. We go camping with the dog, bike rides, play boardgames, do experiments, walks in the woods, hike mountains, visit castles museums and caves, have cool picnics...either us three or with other families.

DS is kind and generous, doesn't fight, doesn't get angry, shares, is great with kids of any age, chatty to hates football, not creative. Basically he's a normal child who just happens to not have a sibling.

DH is one of 6, doesnt speak to one, strained relationship with two others. I have one older sibling, we live opposite sides of the world, don't get on at all although we can be civil. Hated each other until late-20s. Old age care will fall on neither of our shoulders as neither of us are in the same country as our parents. I can get there quicker.

There are nothing but stereotypes and anecdata surrounding: no kids, one kid, three kids, 4+ kids.

paddingtonthebear it is fine to question why someone has one child absolutely not! I've told two people to MYOB when I've been asked, total strangers, sticking their nose in my uterus and my sex life! (*I may have misquoted, am on my phone and it's quite a scroll up!).

@SomethingOnce

Speaking as an only, I think it’s selfish as a lifestyle choice.

Comments like this are worrying! Are you an only?

My only child had a ball. Lots of friends and fun. I think if I'd had another (which I intended), it would have been just the same from that point of view but various things intervened so he is an only child, going on 41 now.

I was an only child with very staid older parents and hated my childhood. However I think if I'd had a brother or sister we would have been played off against each other and both been unhappy so better it was just one.

There are plenty of only children around who are fine. One of my cousins had just one, in his thirties now, and they are all happy. They had difficulty conceiving so it was wonderful for them but they've done jolly well with him.

When mine was at school there were quite a few 'onlys' and there seem to be a lot now.

However it's nice to have two, they have someone of their own as they get older which I don't apart from lovely son, neither does he. Having said that, siblings don't always get on :-). People like me tend to have an idealised idea of a loving nuclear family which isn't always realistic.

Just do your best and don't worry.

I was an only child until I was 11.5yrs. Then had a half sister and 6 yrs later had a half brother [I was then 17].

I was happy as a child [until a stepfather and half sister came along] as I felt loved, but a bit envious of those with brothers and/or sisters. I could always amuse myself though, had some friends to play with once I went to school and was also happy with my own company and solitary activities...which has stood me in good stead for my life [and covid lockdown!].

However I had a lot of expectations put upon me to succeed at everything by members of the family. Made to play the piano and take exams, do public speaking, go to a Very Good school. I hated it. It all made me shy and afraid to fail...thus disappointing everyone, which I inevitably did. I have social anxiety.

A deep down sense of loneliness grew ironically when my half sister and brother came along. Mum had lost interest in me concentrating on her new family. I didn't feel part of the family and had been wrenched away from living with my grandmother with whom I had a very strong bond.

I think a lot depends on the personality of the child/ren. Also on the attitude of the parents who have only one child. For some it works for others it absolutely doesn't. Children need love, care, attention, boundaries and freedom and friends. Too many are in danger of being treated like 'princesses and princes' ...spoilt by having so much of everything, getting their own way and not appreciating other people or bothering to understand other lives.

I do not see my half siblings now our parents have died. I think we get on ok and I am fond of them but they never forget they have a different father and don't include me in their circle. Their choice, but sad.

I’ve got an only because his dad wasn’t keen on having anymore and it was a down hill slope as soon as DS was born. Eventually we split. I do worry that he will be an only and if the opportunity came by to have another I think I would. It was not my plan just to have one. I’m one of 4 but grew up close to my brother just under a 3 year aged gap.

I agree with the poster that said you have to be in it to win it. It’s very true they are no guarantees of what a sibling will bring but I still would rather have a sibling personally I feel there’s more pros than cons. Later in life as an adult I think is just as essential as the childhood part.

I do notice only children do tend to be quite bold characters and make friends very easily which is a plus.

I am one and hated it. I have 2 grown DC (in their 30's) and an 11 year old. She feels like an only and hates it - lockdown has been hard on her.
Older 2 were not particularly close but absolutely are now. They also have a good relationship with the youngest but its just not the same.

Only child here with parents just beginning to realise their age difficulties (who live a long way away), and another only child who's 9. I find it really hard as there is always the question of: respond/react to support parents - meaning a stay, and not at their home as not enough space, vs.: child needs to be in only location where they can get to school, and childcare doesn't really cover spontaneous alterations. Don't know where my 30s went. Very worried about the point when there is only one parent (will be a big move, but at present this isn't something they are seriously considering and I'm still reluctant to press-gang anything).

DD would love another sibling, feels the lack of one keenly and asks a lot when this can take place. I have noticed that if she doesn't do a lot of extra curricular activities, like some of her friends (she does, but not 4-5 nights a week), then she can easily feel left out and left behind. I am hoping guinea pigs might help with this phase but if anyone can identify with this and has any tips, please advise.

I grew up with a brother who used to deny I was his sister at school. We rarely speak now, I’ve given up trying to have a relationship with him and his family, he just can’t be arsed.
I’d love to have had a sibling who I had a relationship with. Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you have a good relationship or it’s better than being an only child

IME they tend to have an excellent vocabulary.

A dog certainly helped with DS, but I know that is not always practicable.

Also @Ormally would having a sibling help your DD not feel left behind, surely that is down to the fact that she isn't going to activities every day (and that isn't a criticism). And if you have another child your DC will be at least 9/10 years apart so would be a very different sibling relationship than those with a closer age gap.

We have an only, we tried for a year to have a second but then stopped trying as my mental health wasn't great and we decided to just be grateful for what we had. He's a really happy, sunny kid. Luckily, me and DH are big kids ourselves and play games with him, I play Roblox with him and all sorts. I make sure he doesn't feel pressured to be perfect or get perfect scores at school and just to try his best.

When we have play dates I often take the siblings as well if they are close in age, gives the parents a break and my kid loves it. Win win!

We live in the same area as his cousins, they all go to school together. Christmas is always a big noisy family event, we always host.

I honestly don't think I'd have been a great mum to 2 kids. We have a dog and between her and our son, that's enough 😂

I do think some people idealise the sibling they never had. Often it is the crap parenting that made their lives difficult. Not every time, but it's usually what I seem to read.

I hope to never be a burden on my son, I don't want him feeling he has to live close to us or anything. I'll be encouraging him to spread his wings and enjoy life and live out his goals and dreams.

Being an only child with decent parenting and having nice siblings with decent parenting would both be great.

When my parents pass, I'll be leaning on my DH for support rather than my sibling.

Echoing others that the 'burden' is rarely shared equally and can actually destroy a relationship with siblings. My parents are each one of three and both have had the lion's share of caring for elderly relatives due to siblings living abroad/ill themselves/couldn't be arsed.

I can't have any more children due to ill health. It makes me sad but I can't do much about it. I'm sad because I wanted another child, not because DS wants a sibling.

DH is one of six and only speaks to two siblings. I'm reasonably close to my brother but not best friends.

SIL had three under 4, and in all honesty the eldest has suffered from having siblings. He's missing the attention he had, and is often given less help as he's older despite SEN. He probably would have been happier as an only child but that's easy to say in hindsight.

The whole "only children are selfish" is as logical as saying all left-handed/ginger haired/short people are XXXX". So many different circumstances.