Only Children: What are your thoughts or experiences?

[ottermum3]

Just that. If it was not a financial or age constraint, would you have an only? If you do, what are your thoughts about it?

Have this ongoing conversation with my sister and she believes only children are better off as the resources and time of parents is not diluted.

When she talks, I see her point but I am wondering if there are some sort of intrinsic benefits to having siblings

I am an only married to an only. We have two children. Definitely didn't want an only child. I know it works for some people but it didn't work for me- I hated it. Plus the childhood of an only child is only part of the picture. Being an adult only child has its own challenges. DH turned down a life-changing job opportunity abroad because of guilt around leaving family. I stayed in my home town because my father was ill at the point when it would have been logical to move, and then after he died I felt I couldn't leave my mum. When my mum dies there will be no one who understands what it was like to be in our family, there will be no one to reminisce with who gets it. Plus of course caring responsibilities. I know not all children do their share of this when the time comes, but "you've got to be in it to win it"- only children don't have a chance of sibling support.

As an only child myself, I can tell you that it massively sucks having to deal with elderly dementia ridden parents by yourself.

As an only child myself, I can tell you that it massively sucks having to deal with elderly dementia ridden parents by yourself.

My friend is currently having to do that despite having three siblings.

I don't think that the issue is primarily about being an only, but more about access to other children.

Some only kids ahve cousins, live on a street with lots of kids and generally have plenty of people around if they want them.
Other only kids are lonely.

But that can also be said of kids with siblings, some of them are lonely even with siblings.

One comment I would make is that I tutor kids, and through lockdown it has been much harder for only children, as they miss that contact with other kids, and however annoying siblings are, at least they are there when the rest of the world isn't.

I have a DB. He hasn’t spoken to the rest of the family for over 15 years. He wasn’t there for the years our DF suffered and eventually died from cancer. He isn’t here now while I support both emotionally and financially our elderly DM. I think that is actually harder to deal with, when there is a sibling who could help, than being an only dealing with it. Both my parents were onlies and so I have no uncles or aunts or cousins.

My DS is an only, couldn’t have another. I do worry that we have such a small family for him, as DH’s brother doesn’t have any DC. But currently DS doesn’t seem bothered, has never asked or talked about having a sibling. Has friends but is also very content with his own company.

I feel guilty that I only have one child. I don't blame myself though but still I feel bad. I know my DD gets lonely sometimes , even though I play and do things with her. She can be quite needy too so I'm conscious of that. I'm as fun as I can be but I'm not a kid and dont always get the latest dance craves on Tik Tom etc.

I definitely do not however feel guilty organising play dates for my child like some poster mentioned earlier. No kid is forced to come and do not have to agree. Both kids ultimately have a good time and that's all I care about.

I didn't choose to have one kid. I'm a single mother having been dumped when my daughter was months old. I didn't feel like having one night stands just to give her a sibling.

I’ve got 2 DC with a 6 year age gap, mainly due to secondary infertility.

I got to the stage where I would have been happy to stop at one. I’d had enough of the stress of ttc and trying to stay pregnant. There are definitely advantages to having an only in terms of resources - financial, emotional and physical. And I don’t believe the stereotype about onlies being inherently selfish, that’s down to parenting.

But I have seen a huge benefit to DC1 in having dc2. Despite some bickering they get on well and really love each other. I’m also happier to go on holiday just the 4 of us as they play with each other.

I think the key though is not to have more children than you feel you can manage.

I have 15 month old and he is a handful. I am physically and mentally drained and when I was pregnant with him, me and DH agreed we should have another one soon after DS turns 1 so they could be close in age and bond better. Now though, I just think it would be selfish of me to have another as I would be too busy attending DC1's needs (high needs, high maintenance) and not have time for DC2. I've decided and actually made peace with the fact that one would be more than enough for me to cope with and also be able to spend quality time with.

I have 2 other siblings and we were quite close in age and are very close now but when I was younger, I did wish I was an only child. I love my siblings however both of them had a lot of problems at school, growing up and even now in their adult lives which continues to impact our family dynamics. I just feel the more you have the more problems will occur.

Can't be bothered to RTFT as it's probably full of the usual stereotypes, so I'll just quote Tolstoy (as you do)
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

@Mistymonday I totally feel for you and agree with you but there are many families who have many children but still burden one of the siblings with the care of elderly parents while the rest enjoys holidays and just everyday living. This was the case with my dads mum where my dad was the only one looking after her while my uncles and aunts were living their life not giving a crap or a break for my dad. It's really sad.

Honestly I think it's swings and roundabouts.
I have one child
I probably would have had another but I'm now single and there was the money issue
However I'm not one who dwells on her being an only child at all
There is no guarantee that if I had another they'd get on. Loads don't
And if I did have another I would have to drastically cut down because of money and I'm one who needs to get out and about
So I do think that would make a significant difference to our life
Course there are advantages to having a sibling but there are advantages to being an only too.
And if anyone wishes they'd had a sibling fair enough but there's just no guarantee that life would have been better that way

Having an only wasn't my choice, but if I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I would go insane with siblings bickering all the time !

Now she’s older I’m looking forward to doing a bit of travelling with her , as it’s just us two that’s much more doable than if we were a large family.

I’d recommend it!

My husband is an only and hated it. When his parents died young he had to deal with it alone and it nearly broke him. He wishes he had a sibling, he feels he missed out terribly when he was young too.

My daughter is an only, but right from the beginning we were a three. She loved being an only and a few times even said please don’t have another baby mummy. She was not lonely as she has and always had plenty of friends, and although we worked and was at school or in child care during the day, we never left her with a baby sitter or anyone at evenings or weekends. She always came with us. And was always the centre of attention in our group.

She was privately educated throughout, had our devoted attention, some fab holidays etc. She’d not have got much of this if we had had another,

I never quite get the whole they will be lonely thing if you only have one. Many kids don’t like their siblings, and most don’t hang out together and have their own friendship groups, if your child is lonely you’re doing something very wrong, and you should never just have another to fix the issue, you should sort it yourself.

I have one child and financially I’ve been able to put her through the best schooling for her, wouldn’t have been able to with two or more, she is a older teen now.

We had a good mix of travelling the world with the two of us alongside holidays with friends, I always made sure she had friends, I guess she knows no different.

I do think days like Christmas Day have been a bit sad when you compare to big noisy family Christmases which seem much more fun! I always made sure she had big birthday celebrations.

No family set up will be perfect.

I am an only child and I've always been happy. Personally, I would only want to have one child myself. I liked my upbringing. I liked having my own space, not having to share, being able to do what I want. Partner is also an only child and he feels the same way. Of course, it's hard to imagine what life would have been like with siblings, but I never wanted that myself.

@GreenTulips

I organise lots of play dates for him and he wants for nothing really

Lovely, it’s always the only child parents constantly wanting play dates for their lonely child to play with others but not prepared to actually have another child to keep them company!

Don’t think we don’t notice!!

You either have mine to keep yours company OR you palm yours off for a child free day.

It grates after a while!

I also fine only children don’t play as nicely as others as they want their games their way.

What a load of shit So you didn't have a 2nd cos you wanted one, you bred them with a job from the womb, to be the entertainment for your first born Now that is sad In MY experience as an only parent, it's parents of 2 plus kids that want to use us so their kid gets a break from younger siblings in a quiet house. In my experience it's the kids with siblings who struggle to share cos they so used to having to protect their stuff from younger siblings, all while being told not to get angry cos little sibling don't know better. See, only parents can make loaded statements too....

We have an only by my choice, many reasons, some trivial, some serious.
I simply refuse to endure pregnancy, birth, newborn and toddler again. I didn't cope well with the whole deal. I'm not willing to risk MY body.
Now dd is 10, I'm finding me again finally.
We can give her more than we could with 2, from fun stuff, holidays, toys, tech to deciding we moving states simply based on what she wants to study in school.
We didn't have to try balance and split activities on holiday, nothing has to be under 10 approved
I'm a better parent to 1, I still get time to myself, can recharge. Dp has PTSD so there times when everything falls on me, I wouldn't cope with an extra kid in the mix as I also don't have the best mental health.
Dd values quiet and her own space, her personality isn't suited to siblings. She loves having cousins, she gets to go home when they too much. She thrives in her class of 15 but struggled in a class of 30 in the city.
I won't give up the spare room, it's my WWE and AFL merchandise room, not a nursery/kids room lol

Me and dp have interesting relationships with siblings, I'm estranged since 15, only in contact for a legal matter. Dp will only talk to 1 of his 2 brothers. So I don't believe they overly important as there no guarantee they will even get along, let alone be supportive and friendly.

My husband is an only and hated it. When his parents died young he had to deal with it alone
Siblings don't change that
I knew my father died when I was 20ish
Knew when funeral was
I didn't have ANYTHING to do with any of it
My brother did it all
There is nothing that would have made me help, I wouldn't have played carer for my father.

I think the grass is always greener. As an adult I don't like my sibling at all and it has made dealing with aging parents etc, incredibly difficult and awful. But I know only children who say it's hard dealing with aging parents on their own and wish they had a sibling.

I think it can be great to have siblings when you're a child (I loved mine), but not always, and it doesn't always mean a lifelong bond.

Some only children like it and some hate it. I honestlythink you cant generalise.

We have an only child. Not really out of choice, it was due to various medical problems. I have tortured myself for years about not being able to have a second child but recently found peace with it. Our DD is very happy and we have a lovely close relationship as a three. We have close extended family on both sides and often holiday with friends and always have other children around. It’s not necessarily what we would have chosen but we are very happy. Our DD does not conform to the only child stereotype and we have made huge efforts to ensure she is not selfish, spoiled etc. It helps that many in our friendship group have only children too. I worry about the pressure on her when we are older but we will do what we can to reduce that pressure. I hope you can make peace with your decision, whatever it is. The only thing to watch out for is people who just can’t accept that an only child can be happy and that you aren’t selfish for not having more children. Those comments hurt but you learn to ignore them.

I would have loved a sibling. Growing up as an only child made me into a bit of an antisocial weirdo, if I'm honest. It's a big effort for me to socialise and appear normal!

@GoshHashana tbh i am 1 of 2, my DH is 1 of 4. We are both quite shy. I think it is because both our sets of parents are shy.

I have a theory that people who are more inclined to want only children are possibly more introverted and hence do not want an atmosphere of 'happy chaos' that a larger family would entail. But that doesn't mean that if they have more children (for example for religious and cultural reasons), that would necessarily change their temperament. Their kids would hence be less exposed to socializing.

@GoshHashana I'm an only child and I'm very sociable and an extrovert. Being an only made me more confident as I was mostly surrounded by adults.

I was an only child and it was terrible. But it was due to my parents being crap, bullying at school from a young age. So it wasn’t because I was an only it was external factors.

They had me when my dad was 46 as well. My mum died when I was young so I’ve been the one stuck caring for my difficult father and it’s been hell.

Saying that my Ds was an only until he was 11 (I have another now and one on the way too) But we had a great life. I was a far better parent than my own and I made sure he had friends.

I’m an only as my mum was strongly advised to avoid having more. DS is an only as I felt the risk of severe PND reoccurring was too great to take. I’ve never had an issue and DS (15) doesn’t envy his mates who have younger siblings- he’s never mentioned any with older siblings one way or another.

I know DH would have loved another, but it’s worked out well for us. DS has SEN so needs additional support to fully achieve at school- this isn’t available through NHS or school do we pay privately, which obviously has an impact on finances. He also competes at national level at sport, so that is a huge time and money commitment. I’m sure that a sibling would find it very tedious!