Only Children: What are your thoughts or experiences?

[ottermum3]

Just that. If it was not a financial or age constraint, would you have an only? If you do, what are your thoughts about it?

Have this ongoing conversation with my sister and she believes only children are better off as the resources and time of parents is not diluted.

When she talks, I see her point but I am wondering if there are some sort of intrinsic benefits to having siblings

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

IME they tend to have an excellent vocabulary.

I hadn't thought of that but, yes, it is true, StrictlyAFemale. I'm sure it is true of many siblings though.

Ineedaholiday, pets are very important if at all possible.

Being relaxed and easy going, allowing friends round whenever they want and encouraging interests are all part and parcel of bringing up a child well. Good communication, reading, doing creative things, etc. That is also easier with one child I suppose.

DuvetDay, you sound just right!

I wonder if sometimes people have an idolised vision of what it would have been like not or not to have a siibling. If people were only they sometimes assume having a sibling would have meant having a friend to play with. People with siblings assume being an only would have meant no fights and more attention with parents. Of course this could be the case but not all siblings get along great and not all onlys get a lot of attention from their parents.

I have an only (not my choice but DH's) and am also from a big family.

Contrary to the mean comments above he was always in demand for play dates with bigger families - because he made their kids behave a bit better. They had fewer fights because he was a calming influence. I have always encouraged him to have pals over, let them create havoc and be noisy, which they can't always do in their own homes because of being considerate to their sibs. I also take them on nice outings (cinema, family parks etc) which their parents can't always afford. When they try to pay, I usually point out that I only have one to put through school and uni, so the least I can do is treat his pals.

DS would have liked a sibling but being an only has made him very gregarious and socially able, and I've decided just to enjoy being able to give him all the time and resources available, rather than mourn the other kids I might have had. People saying unpleasant things about only children still makes me feel terribly upset, though. And some parents of two or more seem to feel quite triumphant over me as though I were some kind of amateur

Most onlies who comment on these sort of threads and who hated to be an only more often than not seem to have parents who weren't great at parenting, so having a sibling might have given them an ally but still not a great family experience.

@ineedaholidaynow it's also selection bias. A lot of onlies come from unhappy marriages simply because someone in an unhappy marriage or circumstances logically wouldn't want a bigger family. But it doesn't mean that the family would have been happier with a 4th member. However, this unhappiness wouldn't apply to other one child families in different circumstances.

I am an only. Never bothered me as a child but now yearn for a sibling. I see how my DH interacts with his brother and wish I had someone as close.

I always wanted lots of children but have …. an only! Not what I planned but sometimes that's just how things turn out.

If I’m lucky enough to have a child he or she will most likely be an only. Too many reasons to list, most of which are highly personal to mine and DH’s circumstances. Nothing wrong with families with multiples. I love my sibling but we have a big age gap and so both got a bit of the only child experience, I recall it being absolutely fine.

Looking at the sibling relationships of my parents and in laws there is only one set where all the siblings seem to have good, functioning relationships. All of the others involve siblings not talking to each other for years, squabbles over care for elderly parents and inheritance and just so much upset and drama. Nothing wrong with multiples but it’s not guaranteed to turn out any rosier for them in middle age than it is for an only child.

@ineedaholidaynow

Most onlies who comment on these sort of threads and who hated to be an only more often than not seem to have parents who weren't great at parenting, so having a sibling might have given them an ally but still not a great family experience.

Yes, that's me unfortunately. I'm OK though, very independent and happy with my own company.

only child - it was okay, not terrible, but sometimes lonely. Although lots of positives as well.
husband: oldest of 6. He has not spoken to any of his siblings in more than 15 years.
go figure

As an only child, I would hate to inflict that on any child of mine.

Growing up I have to admit that I did like having all my mum’s attention on me, however this caused a lot of fights and friction as well. I hated having nobody else to play with or talk to on a kids level at home. Holidays where it was just me with my mum and stepdad were often boring and I dreaded them - sometimes we would bring my very close cousin to keep me happy. I always enjoyed those holidays so much as he felt like a brother to me and having a week with someone I could fully relate to felt like a dream. It made me feel ‘normal’ in a way.

I also feel that being an only child has had a bad effect on my social skills. I was very shy as a child, now I’m just a bit of a socially awkward introvert. I struggle to make friends and have some odd quirks that I think stem from being alone all the time when I was younger.

Now that I am older I worry that I will have to care for my mum alone, and I hate that my kids will have no cousins on my side. I will never be a true auntie :(

@clipclop5 both my parents are only children and I never actually realised that I don’t have ‘proper’ cousins until I was older. We have a lot of extended family and I have lots of cousins - but they’re my parents’ cousins’ children as they were both v close to their cousins. Still very close on both sides. They’re family. My daughter has a lot of extended family that we’re close to. What the actual formal relationship is doesn’t actually matter!

@clipclop5 there are a lot of people like you socially awkward introverts with quirks, I bet they aren’t all only children

My parents were both onlies so I had no aunts or uncles or cousins. DH had uncles and aunts and numerous cousins. I met some of them at a wedding (not ours) and that is the only time I and he have seen them in the 20 years we have been together. He had no inclination to invite them to our wedding, he preferred to have friends instead (we had a small wedding). They all lived near each other when growing up, but whereas the parents have all stayed in the same area the cousins are spread far and wide and don’t keep in contact.

I also feel that being an only child has had a bad effect on my social skills. I was very shy as a child, now I’m just a bit of a socially awkward introvert. I struggle to make friends and have some odd quirks that I think stem from being alone all the time when I was younger
Shy kid
Odd quirks, even now
Socially awkward introvert
I can't name 1 real life friend apart from dp
And I have a sibling

Surely it depends on the type of parents you are and the lifestyle you have? DS is an only child and I don't want anymore for a number of reasons. He's growing up into a well rounded, happy little boy.

The three of us are a team and we have a great life. We're very sociable so we spend time with others and holiday with another family regularly - all the kids refer to each other as siblings and they're very close. He's also got lots of friends and cousins locally.

DH has three sisters and they're all close.
I have two siblings and can go years without seeing them.

Threads like this always turn into a stand-off between people who grew up as onlies and hated it, and parents who can only have one and feel bad. I totally understand both sides actually.

@squeekums

*I also feel that being an only child has had a bad effect on my social skills. I was very shy as a child, now I’m just a bit of a socially awkward introvert. I struggle to make friends and have some odd quirks that I think stem from being alone all the time when I was younger* Shy kid Odd quirks, even now Socially awkward introvert I can't name 1 real life friend apart from dp And I have a sibling

I do have friends, but I was painfully shy as a child - and I have a sibling. My only is far more outgoing and confident than I ever was, but I put that down to the superior parenting she receives!!

I do have friends, but I was painfully shy as a child - and I have a sibling. My only is far more outgoing and confident than I ever was, but I put that down to the superior parenting she receives!!

Same for dd and thats what me and dp say lol

It depends on so much.

I am an only and I hated it but my parents had a dysfunctional relationship and my mother wasn’t interested in me. I lived far out in the country with no other children near by.
Neither of my parents really got on with their family so no cousins or big family gatherings.

If I had grown up in a loving household on a busy street with family and other children near by then it would have been a very different experience.

And the ‘only children can’t share’ shit can do one. I work in education and hear comments about only children all the time. I put people right.

Being an only In my experience means you can make your own entertainment and are happy alone. I know a lot of adults who can’t cope with that at all.

Also, being an only is far more common these days. It was looked on as an oddity in the 70s. Much more usual now.

Half of my friends who are parents have a single child. Due to fertility issues, divorce, choice or finances in the ones who share their reasons.

I have one child because pregnancy was terrible, DH doesn't deserve any more children because he can barely prioritise the one he has over work, DS has several genetic disabilities that are highly likely to occur in a sibling and honestly I'm afraid they might have the conditions to a worse degree. Those reasons in that order.

Before I got pregnant I wanted 4 children. Even though I grew up one of 5, ignored, smacked and slapped and now us adult siblings barely speak to each other unless one is desperate for help as there is no bond between any of us.

I feel massive guilt at my only child and feel pressured to play all the time because they haven't a sibling or cousins to occupy them.

We were only planning to have 1.....but DC2 changed our plans! 🙈

I can see the positive and negatives to having 1 or multiple children.

I wouldn't change it for the world now but I will admit I was very upset when I found out I was expecting a second time. It changed all of our future plans.

My MIL is an only child and she says she wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy, she says it was lonely and it's awful having to deal with everything on your own.

I recently had one of those work based psychological assessment and the woman who did it said I had the strongest preference for introversion she'd ever seen in 15 years of doing them.

I am one of four children.

DD is an only, I'm the oldest of 4, DW is the younger of 2. Due to fertility issues we couldn't have any more. DW regrets it, I'm thankful. DD turned out pretty well in spite of us. Our siblings? We scattered after we were 18, so it's the odd phone call. Tbh, we competed for resources and status as kids; that doesn't make you love people. Friends are god's apology for relatives.