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Only Children: What are your thoughts or experiences?

165 replies

ottermum3 · 21/07/2020 20:46

Just that. If it was not a financial or age constraint, would you have an only? If you do, what are your thoughts about it?

Have this ongoing conversation with my sister and she believes only children are better off as the resources and time of parents is not diluted.

When she talks, I see her point but I am wondering if there are some sort of intrinsic benefits to having siblings

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 21/07/2020 22:15

I have one child (dd 18 months) and she will remain an only. I only ever wanted one child, and I do not get broody (DH getting the snip soon).
I have 8 nieces and nephews that dote on her, and play with her so I am not concerned that she will be lonely, or lack anything by not having a sibling.
I'm one of four girls, and I love my sisters more than anything and we didn't lack anything by being a bigger family if that's your concerns on perhaps having more.

Paddingtonthebear · 21/07/2020 22:16

I grew up as one of three siblings and to be honest someone was always left out. It’s the same with other children I know now who are one of three.

One of my siblings died when we were all relatively young. I get on with my remaining sibling but I wouldn’t say we are close. We both relied heavily on our friends for support when our sibling died and our family dynamic as a whole never recovered. Husband has a sibling, they don’t really get on.

There’s no guarantee that what you want is what you will get , basically. It’s all a gamble. In 20 years time some of us on here may realise our kids hate being an only and some of them hate their siblings. It’s not really in our control.

BakedBlossoms · 21/07/2020 22:19

There’s no guarantee that what you want is what you will get , basically. It’s all a gamble. In 20 years time some of us on here may realise our kids hate being an only and some of them hate their siblings. It’s not really in our control.

yup, totally agree. That's why I think having a second just to give your first a sibling is a dreadful idea.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Blankiefan · 21/07/2020 22:19

Having more than one kid is no guarantee of the "benefits". I have a brother who inexplicably went NC with my parents and I (we have no idea why). So, they had two and I'm effectively now an only.

Wearywithteens · 21/07/2020 22:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:23

Parents of only children get defensive and give lots of examples of why their only children are far superior to children with siblings.

Oh yes, and absolutely no defensiveness or claims of superiority coming from parents who have multiples.

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:24

(Think of those Mediterranean families where all the generations sit and eat and celebrate together).

I come from one of those families and let me tell you, as much as I love my siblings, as much as I love my extended family, as an introvert it was hell to grow up in. You couldn't hear yourself think.

I don't know if anyone has seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but that is literally what my family is like.

Paddingtonthebear · 21/07/2020 22:32

“ Parents of only children get defensive and give lots of examples of why their only children are far superior to children with siblings. I know of two only children, the parents are very happy but the children are more quiet and less confident than other children.”

One could also say that parents of multiples get defensive of why their children are more confident and happy than only children.

“It boils down to what you want and want you envision as your future family life.“

Yes but what you envision may not be what t I actually get, or what your children envision.

Every family set up is different and every family has a different set of personalities within it. We all may feel what we have is perfect for us but only time will tell if our kids found it perfect for them.

Choice is everything. It’s sad that in 2020 people still think only children are disadvantaged in some perceived way.

MrsMcTats · 21/07/2020 22:33

@Wearywithteens I mentioned bickering because I was very aware I had painted a twee picture of family life and wanted to be clear it wasn't all sunshines and rainbows Grin I agree with you though, sibling rivalry is natural.

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/07/2020 22:33

Having one or more, is similar to when people on here ask about the "right", age gaps between children.
You have what you have, you do your best and hope it works out.
Having ine has worked for me, and my almost 19yr old Dd.
I have a sibling, can't stand him, so there you go.
I'm just one person though, for others things work differently, funny that...

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:34

It’s sad that in 2020 people still think only children are disadvantaged in some perceived way.

I know right? But people are odd and take things personally. If you only have one child by choice people with more than one often take it that you must be judging them negatively for having more than one.

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:35

I think relationships with siblings are inherently extremely complicated, no matter how loving they are.

Paddingtonthebear · 21/07/2020 22:36

It’s fine to question only having one child but it would be rude to ask people why one wasn’t enough for them. Or why they stopped and two and didn’t go for four.

It’s all ridiculous.

We should all mind our own.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/07/2020 22:37

@Wearywithteens the defensiveness comes from the constant criticism of only children. In your own post you've said mainly negative things about the only children you know. I posted that I organised play dates for DS and another poster accused me of using other children to combat the "loneliness" of my DS Hmm no bloody wonder we are defensive.

shash1982 · 21/07/2020 22:38

I think as an only it all depends on how the parents are.
I'm an only but was always surrounded by other children, some older and some younger.
Yes, I was indulged but my parents taught me how to treat others etc.
I wasn't lonely but did wish I had a sibling, when my parents past away it would've been a greater support to have a sibling.
Two of my friends have only children.
One of them is such a sweet child but the second when younger was sweet but as they've hit the teenager years pretty much rules the parents and is horribly manipulative.
But I don't think it's down to whether the child has siblings or doesn't, I think it's down to parenting styles.

RainbowMum11 · 21/07/2020 22:39

There are pros and cons each way.

I wanted 2 children. I had 2 but sadly one died so now I have just one and yes, she really does miss having her sister that she never knew, there is no guarantee that they would have got on at all.

RainbowMum11 · 21/07/2020 22:39

There are pros and cons each way.

I wanted 2 children. I had 2 but sadly one died so now I have just one and yes, she really does miss having her sister that she never knew, there is no guarantee that they would have got on at all.

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:42

It also really pisses me off when you get facebook groups (or MN posts!) where women are debating whether or not to go for a second and someone pops up and says "go for it hun you never regret the children you have only the ones you don't have"

It's such a stupid thing to say and it just isn't true. I expect that LOADS of people regret having children but could never say so because it is so horrendously taboo. One of DS's nursery friends had twin siblings born about a year ago. I had the most heartbreaking conversation with her mother while she was heavily pregnant and she said "I didn't even really want another one, we just wanted to give Jane (obvs not her real name) a brother or sister and now it's twins and I don't know if I can cope." A year down the line and she seriously struggles, hasn't really bonded with the twins. She has sought help but she does not have PND, she simply wishes she had made a different choice.

RainbowMum11 · 21/07/2020 22:43

I have also always encouraged a very close bond with her cousins both on my side, and on my XH side too , it's not the same as siblings that are always there to play with or go on holiday with (& lockdown has accentuated this).

MrsMcTats · 21/07/2020 22:45

It’s sad that in 2020 people still think only children are disadvantaged in some perceived way.

I agree in principal, but ultimately I do feel disadvantaged. There is no one else to care for my mum, help her with appointments, google random symptoms, discuss when things happened in the past. No one else to help her financially. Lockdown has highlighted that she is totally reliant on me. I have no one to share the load with, to say 'I'll visit today, you go tomorrow.' I will be the only one to deal with everything. It terrifies me and I feel anxious about it even though she's not too ill yet. My DM did it for her mother and it really impacted her. Of course a sibling could be completely useless, but they may have also been the rock I need.

FeeeelixTheChat · 21/07/2020 22:49

I agree in principal, but ultimately I do feel disadvantaged

You might, but it's anecdata.

I might feel disadvantaged by having siblings, but that's also anecdata.

Ultimately just because you felt one way doesn't mean your kids will feel the same. Just because you were a miserable only doesn't mean your kid would be one. Just because you would have killed for siblings doesn't mean your kid will like theirs.

And vice versa. It's a lottery.

Wearywithteens · 21/07/2020 22:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Merrz · 21/07/2020 22:50

I'm one of 3 (only girl, 2 younger brothers) we fought like cats and dogs as kids but also had great fun together, we are genuinely best friends now. They are a huge part of my life and have so many great memories as kids and adults, I feel like I would be a completely different person without them. My parents also live when we are all together it feels like such a warm, happy, busy atmosphere it just wouldn't be the same if there was only 1 child

Hopefulhen · 21/07/2020 22:56

Having more than one child is such a gamble. I wasn’t close to my two siblings as a child and wished I was an only because my mum’s attention was so stretched. They felt so much younger than me (I was 3.5 and 5 years older than them).
As an adult I’m actually Really close to the youngest one, my only sister. I have one DD and would love her to have a sister but I’m nervous about having a second child in case I’m recreating that big sister-little brother dynamic which I hated as a kid.

FunTimes2020 · 21/07/2020 23:19

@GreenTulips

I organise lots of play dates for him and he wants for nothing really

Lovely, it’s always the only child parents constantly wanting play dates for their lonely child to play with others but not prepared to actually have another child to keep them company!

Don’t think we don’t notice!!

You either have mine to keep yours company OR you palm yours off for a child free day.

It grates after a while!

I also fine only children don’t play as nicely as others as they want their games their way.

Miaow! Would you like a saucer of milk? Hmm
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