How do I stop unintentionally offending my friends?

[ninjaturtle000]

Thoughts please, be as blunt as you like.

I'll try to keep this short but I will give background for context.

I have a small group of close friends who have been in my life for 20+ years. We're the same age. Our lives have all been fairly similar but my financial situation has improved over the last few years, while theirs hasn't and I feel it's starting to cause issues even though I do not discuss money.

So my situation is that I am now a stay at home mother. Before that, I worked FT and in a fairly well paid job for my age and experience (higher rate taxpayer). Before we had the children we saved really hard, sold our starter home and bought a 4 bed family home for quite a good price. It's shot up
in value since (although I expect that will take a hit!). DH has a really good job and earns really well. He works his bum off, and is out of the house 7-7 in normal times (currently WFH). We decided to have two children because we knew we could afford that comfortably.

We don't struggle for money but we are very sensible. We drive old second hand cars, don't holiday abroad, shop at Aldi etc. On the other hand, if I want to buy the children some nice clothes (nothing excessive, places like Frugi etc) then I do and don't worry about it.

In my friendship group we have another sahm with a high earning partner but they have lots and lots of debt and are renting. They have five children and find it tough financially. Another is a nurse, homeowner with three children with an average earning partner, they do ok I think. One is a civil servant, homeowner with three children and another average earning partner, again I think they do ok and the other is a secretary with a low earning partner, own home and four children.

As I said, I don't talk about money. But recently I've had quite a few comments which have been really off, and it's starting to bother me. I don't know if it's something I'm doing, or not.

For example, our group chat the other week one was really suffering with her skin. Asked for skincare recommendations. I sent a photo of what I use, and immediately got comments of "huh well we can't all afford that!" (It's nothing excessive, again, mid range I think it was £18). Didn't think much of it.

I put a photo on FB of my children playing in the sand the other day and got comments about how I let them messy play in expensive clothes (they were from Next) and that I must be made of money.

I went for a socially distanced walk with two of them yesterday and I had a new handbag. I didn't mention it, they did and asked where it was from. Told them Boden and I said I'd got it in the sale reduced from £100 to £30 but they didn't really listen just said how nice it must be to be able to buy leather bags willy nilly especially when I don't work!

We were discussing ordering the children's school uniform the other day as one mum has a child just starting at school. I agreed that is bloody expensive etc. Asked where I got trousers from, I said Next as I find they wash and wear well. Cue shouts of "what a waste of money, nothing wrong with supermarket clothes, don't be such a snob!".

What I haven't told them is that we've recently come into a substantial early inheritance. It's enough that we will be able to buy a significantly bigger house in a nicer area and some land with no problems and that is what we plan to do. Another friend is also moving house (buying a bigger one) and I said that we're moving too (didn't say a word about upsizing etc) and again it started "you can't possibly need a bigger house, your house is huge" (it not, it's just a normal semi) "you've only got two children why do you need more space it's ridiculous think of us all crammed into a three bed" (we don't need extra space per se but it's an investment) .

My figure was also commented on yesterday. I've been carrying 4st of extra weight since I had my children. We've had a tough time of it with health problems with one child and I've been lacking the motivation to sort myself out. Since lockdown I've lost 3 of the 4 stone. Again I didn't mention it, but when I saw them there was a "wow, look at you that's great" followed by "you're going to get so scrawny, how have you managed that don't you eat any more? Are you taking diet pills?" I am still a stone overweight I'm nowhere near scrawny (or even slim!).

Aside from this I have no issue with these friends. We share a lot, we're close and we have been for a very long time. I just seem to offend or annoy them just by living my life quietly. I know there is a difference in our financial situations and I'm mindful of it. I don't show off, I wouldn't dream of suggesting we go to an more expensive place to eat/drink etc. It's always commented on when I buy a drink as I only really like a certain type of red wine (my days of drinking shots are done!) and apparently it's 'posh'. I don't like alcohol much, but I do like a glass of red. Who cares? I'm not bothered how much money my friends do or don't have.

One of the working friends said the other day in our group chat said that sahms need to be careful because we're going to be "screwed when we're old because we'll have no pensions". I agreed it was a risk but said we pay into a pension for me so I wasn't worried and I got back "of course you do, Mrs sensible, I bet you've got life insurance and a will too!" (I have, LI is a condition of the mortgage and surely a will is sensible?!).

Some of our being comfortable is down to pure luck (the early inheritance). Some of it is down to sensible financial decisions, saving hard, not getting into debt and keeping our family small. But I'm constantly being made to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Am I?

Oh OP, what a sad thread.
Your title implies that you think you need to change - but that's so wrong, you're not to blame here - they are.
Somehow, you've got into the role of the one who's being put down by the others. Probably jealousy, a bit of resentment because they have regrets about decisions. They're using you to take out their frustrations, it probably makes them feel better about themselves to put you down.

Well, you can't change them - but you can change you. I don't think they're worth too much effort. I'd certainly let them know you're hurt, and like the suggestion up thread about a message saying you're feeling a bit sore by the comments etc., so will be withdrawing. But, if you do this, do withdraw, don't 'play' with them again - because they'll draw you back in, then have another stick to beat you with. So if you do this, mean it. You could take the easier option (I've done this) and just do it very slowly and subtly, stop responding, start to be busy ... just give them a wide berth. And stop reading their social media.

It's horrible - it happens in groups sometimes, and it hurts. So protect yourself, and find yourself a new friendship group.

You're better than them!

But what can I say about jibes regarding money? "Because I can afford it?
Good enough answer as any!
Just because you've had a shared past doesnt mean you have to stay with them no matter what.

In your place I would maybe not drop them completely but distancing a bit and cultivating a new circle.
There doesnt need to be any fall out or drama, just dont be as close.

They don't sound like very nice friends op.

My bf has made some very good financial decisions and worked her arse off, as a result she's very wealthy. She moved to a lovely area in a nice big house and ended up joining the pta and has made a group of mummy friends in her new area. They are all lovely with the exception of one who is constantly sniping at her in a similar manner to your friends. My bf finds herself having to excuse her financial position and defend it. I was gobsmacked at how rude this lady was and had a good long chat with my friend about it. She now doesn't make excuses and owns the comments.

That sounds awful. I think they're jealous of you.

Ah it’s a shame really that they can’t see past your financial situation and be friends. This should be an exciting time where you can share the anticipation of a nice house etc and instead you’re hiding it. One of my friends earns substantially more than me but I am nothing but excited for her when she does things that are well outside our reach. I hope you can find a group that you can be yourself in

These don't sound like friends OP! One of my closest friends is a MUCH better financial position than I am (although I'm doing ok) and I would literally never dream of commenting on anything she'd bought with that kind of 'it's alright for some' undertone although of course she has nicer brands / nicer wines / nicer holidays than me, she bloody should do her Hubby and her have worked damn hard to afford it and I'm proud of them!

They sound incredibly jealous.

I’d love to have more friends like you. You sound so lovely and self aware but please don’t blame yourself for this, it’s them.

Reconnect with others/find new friends and slowly cut these awful people out of your life. How emotionally draining!

You sound lovely and i think they are being snide and envious of you. As pps said call them out and widen your social circle when possible.

It sounds as though you're on eggshells around them and that isn't a sign of a good friendship.

If you do want to continue to see them, then you can either call them out on it every single time, or you can just censor everything you say, so that you never mention the cost of anything or tell them you've bought anything new. You'd have to always wear your oldest things. Who wants that kind of life?

Is there anyone in the group who'd be understanding if you did call them out?

I could have described the same Siri as yours with a simple group of friends. Started off in the same place but ended up differently. Almost feel guilty mentioning if I've got something new. Find myself leaving nice handbags at home when visiting them. There's almost a reverse snobbery about it. As though they think I value expensive things - for me it's more that we buy what we can afford.

We don't let on how much personal wealth we have.

I have standard answers like 'we are lucky that we have a choice.' 'We all like different things.'
'It doesn't make a difference what bags or clothes we have does it?'

Remember that you don't need to justify how you spend your money to anybody, and more importantly neither do they.

@LolaSmiles it’s a good point about people’s choices. People make their choices and then refuse to to take responsibility for them. Instead blaming other people and / or moaning about others being “lucky”.

An ex friend of mine used to go on about how lucky it / how easy it is l don’t have all of the expenses of having children. It’s not my fault we can’t have children and in contrast she planned then had, 2 children in quick succession. The nursery fees will be expensive with 2 under 2

The bitchy comments others are making about OP not working at this time says it all really. She used to work and did contribute to buying their current house. She’s contributed and is still contributing to their lifestyle

They do sound a bit jealous. If you have known each other for a long time maybe you are all just naturally growing apart a bit?

Sadly your money hasn't bought the good health of your child and they could be sensitive and recognise that. I'm finding some people have become a bit strange over lockdown - the stress and unknown and it sounds like you are being scapegoated. Honestly, I'd withdraw from chats, post the odd inane comment or smiley face and hold back personal information for now.

I doubt they'll be able to cope with your move out of town.

But what can I say about jibes regarding money? "Because I can afford it

You AGREE with them! They want a reaction and to get a dig in so agree with them- what can they say to that? Eg “yes it’s awesome isn’t it? I love my new bag, it’s great!” “Yes I’m so pleased we got to get a big house, it’s brilliant and I’m very happy about it, in fact, I’d love to share my interior design plans with you too!” I GUARANTEE if you agree with them how great it is they’ll stop commenting because the entire point of the comments is to drag you down. Once they see their comments arent having the desired effect they’ll stop immediately.

I agree with everyone that they are jealous and also scapegoating you. I’ve had this from members of my own family, one time my sister mocked me for having branded ‘quilted’ toilet roll.. I really didn’t know what to say.
If you can salvage the friendships I would though. Lifelong friendships with a shared history are valuable and it’s not always easy to make new friends. How you do this would be up to you. If it really bothers you I would bring up with maybe one or two of your friends. Don’t be argumentative, but simply ask why they think this is happening and say that you’re upset by it. Hopefully you’ll get some support so you can raise it more confidently in future when all together.
If you’re not overly bothered, I would just rise above it and accept that it’s their issue.

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I have spoken to one of them today, we met on our own. She's not really been saying anything, she's pretty quiet. I asked her about it directly (it's not really my style to beat about the bush normally just this has made me feel super awkward).

She said she was sorry if she's upset me (she hasn't specifically) and that she doesn't care about money either. Apparently just before lockdown, I annoyed the others - it one of them - because we planned a night away. There are five of us, and I said I would prefer to have a room on my own, because I hate sharing I like my own space, but someone would have had to be in their own anyway because they were twin rooms. I asked if I could have it and said I was happy to pay extra rather than split the cost with another person. Apparently this is me showing off, and someone else wanted the room on their own but the difference is they didn't want to pay more, they wanted the whole rooms cost split between the five of us so we all paid the same.

Me piping up (before she did) saying I'd pay the extra to have my own room meant that's what the rest of them went for because obviously it made the stay cheaper for them as they had to pay for 1/2 a room each rather than 1/5 of 3 rooms. This has led to bad feeling and that I just chuck cash around to do what suits me.

I'm glad she was honest, I appreciate it and I told her so. She said she can't be sure that's what's at he bottom only all this but it does seem to have been a touch point. In any event it got cancelled, so we never went.

I will talk to them all I think, first the individual who was apparently upset by this. I can't understand why she wouldn't just say. But I am very disappointed that it's seemingly led to this.

I still haven't mentioned the inheritance or buying a bigger house. I'll let that one lie for a bit I think!!

Tbh if that was the issue then they're being really petty. Also the one who only wanted to pay 1/5 of the charge for a room for herself is being a CF. She was also being a passive aggressive by not saying that she wasn't happy with what you suggested at the time, and going around moaning about it afterward. If there's one conversation to be had, it's with her, to tell her that you don't appreciate how she has caused ill feelings over something that could have been worked out.

I'd try not to make a big deal about it with the whole group and risk the whole thing blowing out of all proportion. Unfortunately people's financial situation is only likely going to get worse so be the bigger person and suck this one up. In the future do what PP said about agreeing with them when they make those comments, or ignoring them. Don't avoid telling them about the inheritance. Just bring it into the open gently and tactfully. If they can't be happy for you that's their issue. Don't feel guilty.

That’s a petty reason for someone to think your splashing through cash

I too would always prefer my own room and would never expect to pay the same as people sharing

The friend in question is a true CF

Oh, it's a shame that such a silly thing has caused this upset. If it makes you feel any better, you definitely haven't done anything wrong and sound really lovely! Someone taking offence to something as innocuous as this reflects only who they are and their own insecurities, not any fault on your part.

You sound exactly like me! Same age, agree on next clothes washing well and love a good walk! Also afraid of the PTA...and I can’t sleep in proximity to anyone apart from my husband. I wouldn’t sleep if I had to share a room with someone and I would have done what you did.

How awful that they discussed this behind your back and then instead of either discussing it with you or letting it go - they chose to make snide comments and put you down.

You sound lovely and I hope you enjoy your detached house and land!!! (I am slightly jealous of your windfall...but happy to admit it).

The inheritance is really none of their business. If they're cheeky enough to speculate in front of you about how you can afford a bigger house, I'd slap them down sharpish. You're not obliged to run your choices past them for approval!

That's an absolutely ridiculous reason, OP, and it sounds like their treatment of you pre-dates that incident anyway. I'm sorry.

So, someone had their nose put out of joint because you did the right thing (offering to pay for the room yourself so you could be by yourself) and they wanted the rest of you to subsidise them getting the room to themselves - and then they badmouthed you to the rest, that you were "showing off" and buying your way into what you want?

They're honestly not good friends to you if they all fell for that load of shite. If that's even the whole of it - it sounds like there'd be more of that sort of thing, that you wouldn't even have considered to be a problem (no one would!) that's been quietly stacking up. Once one person gets a resentment about something like that, there is the possibility that they'll try and justify their resentment by getting others to agree with them - and then building on it with every new "instance" of you behaving in a way that they resent.

Please dump the group, at the very least - maybe stay friends with the ones who have half a brain and their own will!

Hmm sounds like she's gutted her attempt at being a CF was buggered by you tbh