Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

Oh do fuck off mrpickles.

I think you’ll find that most people here have grown up and moved on despite some of the things that happened to them. An anonymous forum is a useful place to see that you are not alone and other people understand. Lots of people who were terribly abused are still in relationships with their parents and just learn to live with it.

Learning from the past is really useful, it’s not bitterness, it can be growth.

But anyway, you do you.

Yeah I’ve realised since having a child that my parents don’t really like kids! They love my son but don’t like spending extended time with him, can’t think of things to do with him, want him to sit quietly and behave etc. I realise we were plonked in front of the tv a lot and dragged along to things they wanted/needed to do

My grandparents had their own business and definitely thought they were a cut above. Obsessed with what other people thought of them though. My grandfather would belittle me (as well as his wife and daughters) - taking the piss out of my clothes, calling me thick and fat. Going on and on if I ever lost at a game (I'm talking about when I was 7 and 8!). My mum would make comments such as 'do you think you should eat that?' 'little pickers wear big knickers' and the like. More shitty than witty. I like to think that I've learned a lot from their behaviour, you don't joke at your child's expense

I was brought up to feel that other people made the decisions and I was a follower rather than a leader.

As a teenager, they used to have a mardy at me if I wasn't ready when my friend and her dad came to pick me up to go to a committee meeting we were all involved with. But the reason I wasn't ready was that they would arrive 20 minutes early. But my parents ignored that fact - "you don't keep an adult waiting no matter how early they are" they would say.

I've gone through life struggling to overcome feelings of inferiority to others as I wasn't encouraged to be myself and be confident and outgoing. I still find it hard to come out of my shell with strangers or in a crowd because of this.

Yep! Raised in the era of leaving babies to cry. My mum (she has told me) used to leave me to cry for ages, sometimes in the garage ffs. She’s raised me to be independent and not get help from anyone due to this, anxiety at being left. I got counselling and stopped the cycle luckily. Her mum although lovely was a little cold with the hugs etc too - I don’t think my mum even realises. She’s not the warm and fuzzy type

Yes all parents are fallable.

We are all grown up here and allowed to discuss this - maybe even learning to avoid similar mistakes.

Hate the shut up and put up attitude.

No one teaches us how to parents. I have laid awake at night worrying about the days decisions.try if you can to take the best from your parents we are all fucked up.try to be fucked up in the best way possible.xxxx

Totally relate OP - it’s take me 40 odd years to realise my mother is a selfish, bitter, jealous gossip! if she thinkS it should happen or is possible then it happens regardless of anyone else, sees herself as more important. Stops talking to me for weeks on end if I don’t follow her narrative. Never smiles. Will go out of way to do something for random people but only so she can tell everyone how amazing she is. Is ungrateful and ungracious. I envy people with loving mothers who they call their rock, or their best friend - mine is draining to be around ☹️

My sister was an only child.

Absolutely, you're not alone.

I don't think mine meant to just as I've not meant to ruin my kids in any way but we're raised to think our parents are infallible and always right and both aren't true.

We all makes mistakes and so did they. Sometime (like mine) it's accidental but sometimes as with yours it's down to serious personality flaws.

The thing is, you have insight so you've time to rectify it for yourself and your DD.

I don’t know where to start!

My mum chose partners that were abusive and controlling and always chose them over us kids. Many nights of screaming/fighting/calling the police. Having drag my mum out of the bath and stopping her from trying to kill herself at 2am was a particularly stressful night.
As a result I absolutely hate any confrontation and do things for an easy life which often means people abuse my good nature and I do nothing to stand up for myself!

I feel like I could have written that post.
I think it's a middle class obsession - a fear of being cringed at or seen to be "ordinary". And not only that, but my husband is even worse than me.

I've tried to turn it around since my kids were small, and promote a tolerant "live and let live" approach, but now they all sneer at me instead.

I think it's a "Very British problem", but actually one of my Indian colleagues said something about her taste being "massy not classy" so that reassured me that maybe it's not just us.

My mum and dad used to fight like cat and dog , dad used to love a drink, many a time I would be in between them in one of there rages, once time dad had a poker in his hand threatening to hit mum, he didn't, but at the time I thought he would, I was around 9 years old, I have grown up hating any form of arguments or shouting .

I can relate to this, I only realised a few years ago that criticising the clothes of strangers in the street, sniggering about them, observing overweight people and calling them “porker” wasn’t funny, it was judgmental and cruel.
I like to think I overcame this and try really hard not to ever do this or allow my child to do this type of thing. I live and let live and if someone wants to wear bright, floral patterns that I might not choose for myself, I try instead to commend them on how bright and cheerful they look, if I have to comment at all. Each to their own, something my mother would have done well to remember!!

My mum lied about about being in a relationship with her partner for years, and my dad cheated on his girlfriend constantly making jokes about it. She knew and stayed with him. My relationships have been fucked up, I accepted shit, was ashamed of partners. This year I’ve sought help.

Always struggled with my weight, mum never took me to the usual teenager clothes shops when I was a teen because I was “too fat” for “normal teenager sizes.” In reality I was probably a size 12-14. Constantly compared to my sister who “got the looks but OnlyMeeee got the brains.” Have never felt confident in my own body and have always felt a pressure to over achieve to compensate. I now have bipolar disorder, suffer from anxiety and never feel good enough for anyone therefore I’ve got a strong of emotionally abusive partners behind me because I haven’t got the courage to stand up for myself and I allow myself to be treated appallingly.

Whilst I do agree things parents do have an effect on us (my mum smoked, heavily, in the house and the car. Basically everywhere - I must have smelled lie an ashtray as a kid nevermind the physical damage this has potentially done).
This thread has a feel of blaming parents for everything we fail at adults. I mean, 'I'm untidy because my parents didn't teach me how to clean...'. I mean c'mon!!

Sorry, replace OnlyMeeee with WTFKaren in that post so it makes sense!!

Our parents are either an example or a warning.

NigelsNipple it is literally their fault what they did.

We're now adults and are responsible for ourselves. But if we are fucked up, we won't be "over it" till we understand it.

I agree they can't be "blamed" forever, but I'll never begrudge the time people need to talk/think about and process what they've been through.

I had a happy home life as a child, but there were niggles of course.

The biggest of these was food. I think my parents were both products of post war austerity (rationing) and the attitude was that at every meal you must clear your plate, whether you liked what was on it or not.

Unfortunately, I (their eldest) was a very fussy eater as a baby and toddler. I didn't like eating and mealtimes became a battleground.

I still clearly remember that when I inevitably barely even touched a meal they would keep on and on and on at me. It was an ordeal. Eventually my food would be put in the fridge and produced again at the next mealtime for me to eat it cold. Invariably I never touched it then either so back it would go in the fridge for the next mealtime and so on. I despised mealtimes.

I've experienced some fussy eating with my own three DDs, particularly with DD2. Yes, it could be very frustrating, but I didn't replicate what had been done to me. I largely ignored her and when she got no rise out of it she did gradually start to eat better.

My parents know how they tackled it was wrong. They strongly advised me not to panic and not to do as they had done. My mum in particular would say that she wished she hadn't allowed mealtimes to be turned into such a stand-off. It was an unwinnable battle.

I don't hold it against them because I know first hand now how worrying and infuriating it can be.

My mum was the daughter of an alcoholic. She never met her biological father. Her mother had a string of abusive and volatile relationships along with 2 more children. She eventually went on to marry an enabler who pandered to her drinking and kept her supply up. My mum was thankfully intelligent and got herself through the education system with good grades whilst bringing up her 2 younger brothers along with dealing with her alcoholic mother! Whilst she was lucky intellectually she was stunted emotionally. She’s never had a decent loving relationship in her life. Married 3 times, always looking to
be rescued but ended up being the rescuer! It’s Sad really. She always puts herself down and I do the same. I think she tried her best with her own kids. I never once saw my mother drunk as she barely ever drinks alcohol. It’s something she has sole control over and prefers it that way.

Food here too. Memory of coming out of hospital aged 6 having lost weight after tonsillectomy and being told how much nicer I looked by my mum. I wasn’t an overweight child looking back at photos.
My mum often commented on what I was eating. Agreed for me to go on Cambridge diet when I was 13, luckily doctor said no.
Now obese and while I take responsibility for my own eating at 46 it all stems back to childhood experiences