Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

The phrase about ‘loving but not liking’ is not for sharing with the person you feel that way about, it’s to help you understand how it’s possible to hold on to two feelings at once and look for ways to manage the relationship.

If someone said that to me I think I’d respond that was certainly feeling the dislike but none of the love. And was the dislike arising because I was no longer following their wishes?

My personality is a bit of a shell. It seems I wasn't encouraged to develop a strong personality or sense of self. I have trouble making decisions and feel like I live in a straight jacket. There was a lot of angst between my parents. A lot of angry outbursts from my dad where we were walking in eggshells. I worry constantly about how I'm passing this on to my kids!

Bored there’s lots you can do to work on that, it’s what a lot of people are doing in long term therapy. But you can certainly make progress on your own, start writing a diary about your thoughts and feelings, do some reading (Phillipa Perry is good) have a look at The School of Life website.

Did anyone else have scruffy parents and house?

I realise more and more how this has affected me. They were loving and generous with things like Xmas presents and holidays. But so many things that I consider normal were 'frivolous' to them. Addiction s come into play, always money for fags and booze, but I couldn't have a decent school bag, never spent anything on the house! I remember complaining about our scruffy and messy house. When I was Primary aged I either got 'It's not as bad as... insert random family' or 'It's not about the house its the people in it' by secondary I just got told to clean it myself. Fair enough! but it would be nice if we all pitched in.

I also realise how scathing they were, more my DM about others, they have started doing it to me now. 'Who wastes family money on garden furniture/new bathroom sink/new kettle etc etc'. I was so jealous of all my friends clean and modestly nice homes. It was scruffy, dusty and messy as a kid, now they live in such shabby, filthy conditions! never seen anything like it anywhere else

I have a modest house now, we do regularly decorate and keep nice, we make the most of what we have got. I can get obsessive about cleaning though. I've also ensured my DC have decent school bags, trainers, kit for trips etc.

My dad told me that asking for what you want is manipulative as the other person will feel obliged to say yes as it's rude to say no. Only accept help when it's offered. This taught me:

1. Don't ask for what you want
2. You can't say no when people ask for what they want
3. Being assertive is rude

Not very helpful life advice and has made my marriage and work life tough to negotiate sometimes. I'm slowly unlearning this within my marriage as my husband is wonderful but work is still tough and some friendships have been very unequal.

I understand that he was trying to teach me to be self sufficient but the manipulative stuff really messed with my head.

So many familiar things on here. My parents were terrible snobs too, about things perceived as common but are actually quite normal. I remember going to a posh shop for a coat when I was a kid and my Dad getting so cross cos the coats weren't exactly an inch longer than my dress. Felt like we were there for hours trying on different coats. I remember feeling quite sick throughout. Couldn't understand why it mattered and why other shops werent good enough.

My mom was and still is very concerned about appearance. She's also very judgemental and vindictive which has left me with a huge fear of being judged and low self esteem. I gave massively underachieved as I could never meet her standards

Oh God so much

I'm 44 and with every year I have another few "aha" moments where I realise just how messed up yet another aspect of it was.

Does anyone else find this?

With each realisation I realise it wasn't me! It was them. It's a relief each time and helps me be kinder to myself (thinking no wonder I have x, y or z issue)

Interesting thread.

Mine did lots of little things that combined have seriously affected me as an adult. Not so much my dad, but my mother. Some of the things they did were:

Calling me fat aged 7, proceeding to completely restrict my diet and not allowing any treats. But at the same time, scoffing at the idea of exercise. I longed to dance but my mother told me I was too fat and uncoordinated.

Aged 16, commenting that someone might find me attractive one day. While I was in the middle of teenage everyone hates me I’ll never have a boyfriend angst.

They both smoked heavily so I always stank.

They are very religious and restricted my leisure time to accommodate their religious observance. When younger, it was a case of not being allowed to do some activities. One I was particularly upset about and I’m still annoyed. They could have facilitated it but refused to. When older, it was going out on certain days and they forbade that. So people stopped asking.

The weirdest was my dad thinking that A-Levels where what you did if you did badly at GCSE (a back up? Who knows) and refused to speak to me the summer between y11 and lower sixth. I felt like my hard work was for nothing.

I can see now that he was struggling with his own mental health and just didn’t understand things. He’s now in his 90s and we’re very close.

My mother on the hand... still provides a good number of cutting comments and unhelpful statements. And gives my dad a hard time continually about things he can no longer do due to his advancing age. We are very much “in it together” when dealing with DM

I’m the opposite of some others on here in that we had unlimited access to food including unhealthy snacks. They were used to placate us and I have issues with comfort eating and worrying about being hungry.

Our house was pretty untidy. We always had clean clothes but things like making beds weren’t enforced, or learning how to organise and put things in specific places.

They didn’t tend to socialise much due to being so wrapped up in work, so I didn’t have much experience of speaking to other adults and so I was very shy and nervous about talking to grown ups. I still struggle with talking to older people at work, or more senior colleagues

Both DPs lacked social and life skills in many ways. Trying to do anything was ridiculed and seen as having ideas above your station. My privacy, views, ideas, wants and needs were inconvenient and as a slim teen my mum would berate me and insinuate competition between us as she was large. Once I hit puberty there was no love or concern from my parent, no interest in medical care aside from vaccines that would be picked up, and if I wanted to spend time with friends they were all "stupid" or "bad". I fell for any man who showed me affection and never felt that I could say no or had bodily autonomy. Some things came as a real shock to me as an adult like self care, grooming, washing clothes more regularly and even brushing your teeth twice a day as my parents had no interest in this. They still laugh at me doing yoga, getting my nails done or starting a business which all seem ridiculous to them.

My mum actually apologised a couple of years ago for fucking me up. She admitted it was her fault that I struggle with emotions and human interaction.
She used to treat us like dogs. She'd actually say 'sit,stay' as if commanding a dog when we were at road crossings. She clearly enjoyed the dirty looks people gave her. Then she'd say 'walk on' when the green man came on. As I got older I despised it.

She also told me repeatedly that she wished I'd never been born and that she'd never wanted me anyway (she'd tried for 2yrs). I don't think she ever told me she loved me.
Her own mother was horrendous so I assume she gets it from her.

So much love to everyone here

The hardest things I find are a - working out what's "normal" (still an ongoing process for me), b - realising that you're actually as valuable as everyone else (ditto), and c - putting it into action (I haven't yet managed this in a relationship though friendships are fine thank god)

Anyone else basically not allowed to just sit and chill as a youngster? I still struggle with this guilt now; always have to be doing something and it needs to be productive. If I wasn't like that from ~10 years old then I was a lazy little sod. It means I don't rest when I'm ill or hurt or exhausted.

Me! Once my dm shouted from the bottom of the stairs "are you up there doing nothing?!"

I was reading a good book

That attitude really stayed with me.

Have you heard the phrase in self-help "don't just do something, stand there"? That's what I really need to learn.

@DarkmilkAddict you saying about stairs has reminded me that mine used to throw me up and down the stairs when I was a baby. I'm not sure who caught me.

Oh sweet Jesus that’s absolutely demented behaviour. Thank goodness you survived

Non-negotiable and consistent bedtime. I struggle with adapting to this day.

I'm sure they probably just wanted a bit of peace and quiet in the evenings, no other reason.

Various things. Like PP never taught me about finace, they were wealthy and money was spent like water; now on a debt management plan though I accept my own responsibility in this.

Other thing that stands out is pre my sisters birth, they were calm and lovely. When she vame along they were beyond teŕse with me and didn't manage the normal jelousy yhrough like they should have. They also expected me to act much older than I was at the time (five years old). It led to years of resentment and bad relationship between me and my sister, resolved only after I gave birth to DS three years ago and we had something in common. My parents like to blame me for this.

They are good people but in a toxic marriage. I've learnt to stop caring about a lot of things they offer their opinions on now.

Not being able to talk properly after dad died when I was a child, for fear of upsetting mum. I wished someone had told us that it was OK to be collectively heartbroken but we would survive.

Mum getting involved with a pretty low level horrible man who has undermined her for that last 30 years.

Being told 'that didn't happen' when I disclosed abuse.

Where to fucking start really?

But a lot of posts resonate

When I did something well, my parents would say, 'well I never expected that from you' or 'what a surprise, why you'. The only time this didn't happen was when I got married at 32. That got a well done. We are proud of you. WTF. I spent my whole life thinking I was a failure and something was wrong with me. Anything good that happened, I thought was a fluke or a mistake was made as my parents couldn't believe that I could achieve anything.

The thing my parents did was, I think, the norm at the time (early 1970s) and probably is now too. But the more I think about it, the more cruel it seems: putting children to sleep and letting them cry it out. The trouble is that my sister would scream for hours every night, for over a year. She never got over it.

My mum says that she tried everything but the one thing she didn't do is to take the baby into her own bed/room.

My heart breaks for all the babies who were left helpless and screaming night after night. It's SO unnatural to think that all babies will be happy on their own, in the dark, away from their caregivers.

I'm sure that this set up my sister for big problems in life. It may have done for me too...who knows...but I don't think I cried very much, from what I've heard.

I'm happy to report that post if anyone would like me to?

Few of us had a perfect childhood though, did we? If it was, wouldn't that make you ill-prepared for dealing with the real world?

My parents were products of their time. They married at the age of 20 just months before WWII broke out. They were brought up by Victorian parents "Children should be seen and not heard" and although they largely rejected this it was not a happy home.

Dad was an overbearing, quarelsome bully and Mum was a doormat, her example of putting up with things most of the time was not a good example and she was unhappy. Grandma told her that she'd made her bed and had to lie in it. Staying together for the sake of the children and 'what would the neighbours think?' made we children perfect targets for bullies. We were all over-compliant as we didn't want to cause any trouble.

Dad's opinions and sneering at anyone who disagreed (much like Alf Garnett) were forced down our throats. It took me decades to learn that just because you have an opinion you don't have to share it. There are nice ways of disagreeing with someone without becoming disagreeable.

My advice - please don't marry a bully as the whole family will suffer.