Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

MotherMorph are you my SIL? DH and the kids and I are planning a trip to stay with friends in the October break all being well. It's the place we all grew up and friend jas moved back to with her husband, they have a house with enough space for us all and it's an identical plan to the ome we had at Easter that was cancelled due to covid.

MIL immediately piped up with places we could stay and did I want her to try and book a place she knows and what about doing this and that and the other.

No. Fuck off.

She does it all the time with all sorts but that id the most recent thing she's decided she needs to control. She's backed off a lot over the last few years after both DH and I lost our shit with her over trying to tell us how to raise our children.

She's also another who worries constantly about what people think, DH has inherited that which does my fucking head in, don't tell people what that cost, don't tell people the kids are difficult sometimes, don't let on this, are you sure you want to dye your hair pink... Fortunately (?) for me I was raised by an alcoholic and it made me fiercely rebel against being controlled 😂 the issues I've worked through from my dad would fill their own thread though.

@crowcrow I'm so sorry you went through that. I felt the same about school and was also told I was too negative so have always thought it was just me. That I was the problem. I have thought that my whole life really. And am currently really struggling to break the cycle.

I've just posted about something similar on another thread, where a poster has said that she won't take cheek or talking back from her kids.

My mum would slap me round the head for expressing pretty much any opinion if we argued. I wasn't, basically allowed any say - it was her way, ie she was right and I was wrong and I just had to stand there and take it. Any attempt to defend myself was 'backchat' and not to be tolerated.

It's turned me into someone who hates any form of confrontation; who will back down if other are sufficiently forthright and will rarely argue my corner.

It's a small thing. Nobody wants cheek from their children. But there's a fine line between being cheeky and standing up for yourself and it's hard to see that when you are a child, and to have any ability to stand up for onesself beaten out of you.

Being constantly told that nobody wants to hear from me, nobody asked for my opinion etc. Realised through a career coaching programme that this has affected me professionally as I would rarely contribute to meetings, believing that I had nothing useful to say or that anything I did would be ridiculed. If I did have to present a topic in a work context, I'd always start off by saying "I'll just be really brief here so that we can crack on with more important things"

I've also recently realised that I can't deal with silence at home (unless I'm alone, in which case I crave the peacefulness) because, growing up, there was so much noise in our house that when either my mum or dad (or worse) fell silent, it meant they were brooding on something and would be about to explode in rage. I would tiptoe around them, trying not to set it off and I now realise that I do the same with DH. We've been together 20 years and he's never once lost his temper like that but, irrationally, if he comes from work in a bid of a grumpy mood and doesn't engage in any small talk I end up in a anxiety spiral waiting for the explosion.

My small thing is this - Hot Plates.

My Dad is OBSESSED with meals being served on plates that have been warmed up to a ridiculous temperature.

As a child it was a regular thing for us to be burning our arms on the plates of food in front of us and our dinner was scalding hot for ages!

Even now we've left home, if we go to my parents for a meal, the plate warming factor has taken priority over food.

If they've not remembered to put them in the oven to warm, he will not stop going on about it throughout the meal.

"Lovely food Mum and Dad, thanks"
"Hmmmm would have been better if the plates were hot. My lamb is stone cold." Even though it's not long out of the oven!

This might be bad but I honestly never warm plates up before any meal in the last 15 years of living in my own house!

I bet he hates coming for dinner!

I should add, he also does this with our DCs meal plates too, it frightens the life out of me! I remember DS at age 3 going to touch his plate and having to swoop in to move it.

Then cue much faffing and whafting of newspapers to cool down the food on the plate so a child can eat it without burning themselves.

Not fun meal times at all and very stressful x

Jacks that’s interesting, I’m guessing it was part of a wider feeling of doing the wrong thing or upsetting him? This also happened in my family to some extent, it would set off a row between my parents and we’d just sit there, miserably. I even thought of getting him one of those electric plate warmer things once, but then I just felt a bit awkward.

My parents have always been obsessed with meal times.

God help anyone who delays or interrupts their meal plans.

My parents were furious with me after I stayed with a friend and my lift home fell through. They had to collect me and were livid that I had made them late for their picnic lunch. I was about fifteen.

I lived in fear of making them late for meals.

One year, we went on holiday. I was in my teens and some kids at the hotel invited me to go on a motorboat trip with their family. It was a good hour or so before lunch, so I didn't tell my parents where I was going, I asked the concierge to tell them.

The boat ride went on for well over an hour and I was filled with panic. When I finally returned, they were so angry that I had made them late for their stupid, bloody tapas that they refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

Oh the food thing!

My mum always HAD to know what I'd planned for dinner whenever she came to stay. At their house, meals followed a regimented plan, lunch always on the table at twelve, dinner at five. And set days of the week brought set meals. My mother could NOT cope with me saying 'oh dinner will be whatever I can find in the freezer at whatever time we get back'.

She'd get twitchy if it wasn't served at five. You know, because we were out. Enjoying ourselves.

So many small and big things...

• My mum didn't hide her disappointment that I'm short, or that I'm an introvert. We'd watch films and she'd say 'why can't you be more like (insert brave amazing or extrovert character)?

• Step dad had a terrifying explosive temper and we had to tread on eggshells to not set it off

• Step dad could never be disagreed with so I learned to always mollify and pretend to agree with men (this hasn't helped me at work)

• Never taught about finances or mortgages

• Mum and step dad were snobby and judgemental about other people and placed way too much importance on 'being cool / sophisticated'

• My mum valued people for their looks or glamour and taught me to seek out actors, musicians or celebrities as partners, and to dismiss more sensible suitors as boring

@LimeLemonOrange

- My mum didn't hide her disappointment that I'm short, or that I'm an introvert. We'd watch films and she'd say 'why can't you be more like (insert brave amazing or extrovert character)?
Did you point out that genetically this was something you had less to do with than her and your father?

I must say that although I was a bit bitter about some things in my youth, on the whole they were alright parents. I miss them now! I do feel sorry for anyone whose parents fucked them up though.

@Happynow001 I wish I had!

My mum's an introvert (a taller one than me though) and she's never forgiven me for not being the type of person she wanted to be.

Thankfully I'm better at self acceptance.

My mum seems to have entirely different memories of my childhood. We were talking about starting school on the phone today (my DD will start in September) and I was talking about how we'd tried to build her confidence as I'd found starting school so traumatic. And my mum completely denied this. I howled my eyes out at the school gates for years, and it was still affecting me at secondary school but she doesn't seem to remember it or says I was a 'funny little thing'. I do remember being worried she wouldn't come back (she was always late because she was really disorganised and couldn't be 'rude' to whichever elderly relative she was visiting that day by saying she had to go). I was always looking out for any tiny signs she did love me - which makes me sad now as DD seems in no doubt we love her.

And I can't understand why I was so reluctant to be away from her and go to school. I'd never been a away from her before that so it was quite a change but I don't think she was a very responsive parent which seems to have fuelled anxiety in me?

@RidingMyBike from what I understand about attachment, you have to feel secure to be away from your primary care giver. Maybe you didn’t feel secure enough to feel safe.

Thanks @ThickFast yes, I'd wondered about that. As I understand it to feel secure you have to be confident your parent/significant adult will respond to you appropriately. My brother seems to have responded to our childhood by going into full on attachment parenting, which isn't for me, but I've made sure to be responsive, and if I say I'm going to do something, be back by a certain time then I am.
I wasn't put in childcare at all, so I'd only been with my mum (dad was a lot better with kids than mum but he had a full time job) and then found it overwhelming to suddenly be thrust into a world full of other children and strange adults. I'd always been determined that mine would go into childcare early (she started at 12 months) so she was used to it and it was consistent. It's effectively given her a whole host of other reliable adults in her life (we don't have any extended family around to be reliable adults). She is SO much more confident than I was at that age!

My mum was really negative about me going back to work after maternity leave and putting DD in nursery!

Yeah you have to be reliable as a parent. I also had parents who would forget to turn up or be really late in picking me up after after-school clubs. It was so stressful. I’d never do that now to my kids. Sounds like you’ve found a good way to be reliable for your child too

I had to have a second hand clapped out bike while my sibling had a brand new top of the range ultra cool chopper for Christmas.
I remember that horrible feeling dissolve away when I bought my first Harley

I'm thinking of my husband’s family here. When I first met them, I saw right away that this was a family that enjoyed picking on people, but it was “all in good fun,” of course. I learned early on to do or say nothing wrong in their presence and to be on my best behavior because otherwise you’d hear about it and be laughed at for the duration of the visit, and most likely thereafter.

The whole thing was generally orchestrated by my FIL. This was many, many years ago, and he has abolished the practice since the grandchildren were born. However, the effects have stuck, particularly with my BIL. I’m no mouse, and I call him out and stick up for the kids any time he or anyone else starts going down that road.

In my own family, my dad was and is racist. He hates everybody. As a teenager, I was constantly calling him out on his racism to no avail. Can’t change that tiger and his stripes. My one sibling and I aren’t like him, but Dad’s attitude rubbed off to some extent onto the others.

We don’t see the family much since we live hundreds of miles apart in different states, but when we do, he keeps very quiet about his views.

@Zenithbear

I had to have a second hand clapped out bike while my sibling had a brand new top of the range ultra cool chopper for Christmas. I remember that horrible feeling dissolve away when I bought my first Harley

It was a bit of the reverse of this for me.

My mum took my brother to stay with her mother, our grandmother. I stayed with an aunt (I was older). Whilst they were there, GM bought my brother a bike. It was ancient and beaten up, but a bike. My mum was extremely indignant that GM hadn't bought anything for me.

I pointed out, aged about ten, that I hadn't been there and I'd just ride the bike as well anyway. But my mum clearly thought DB had been favoured. (Which was a bit rich, since he was her Golden Child anyway...)

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum, his doormat. He was a brute to mum, my sisters and I when he'd had a drink, and more often than not, violent too. We were petrified of him! He was very, very strict. However, he was very loving and kind and taught us right from wrong. He always told us he loved us and was very affectionate towards us all. He died seven years ago and I'll always regret not telling him I loved him as he laid in the hospice on the day he passed away. I just couldn't say it. Yes, he walloped us and he scared the hell out of us but he was a good man, underneath the alcoholism.
My mum was soft as shit and worked hard at her job in the legal profession. She stuck by my dad and they remained married until he died - said she'd married him for better or worse and refused to leave him. My mum is a really lovely lady.

Growing up, although both mum and dad worked, the house and garden were a mess; stuff everywhere, old carpet, dusty and shabby. From the age of about eight or nine, my (14 months) older sister and I started doing pretty much all the housework, washing and ironing as mum and dad were out quite a lot with their friends or family. We didn't mind but it was expected of us, especially by my dad, who would say "Your mother has been working hard all week, come on, run the hoover round" or suchlike.

We didn't necessarily go without but we definitely didn't get everything on a plate. I think money went on dad's alcohol more than anything. Mum was terrible with money and I think most of her siblings are the same (there were 9 of them and money was very tight). She is now a bit of a hoarder, which is very sad. I love my mum to bits, as do my sisters and we are all very close. Mum adored my dad and vice versa.

Results:

1. I am a bit of a doormat to my husband, like my mum was to my dad.
2. I absolutely hate conflict of any kind and would run mile rather than have cross words with anyone.
3. I am obsessive about cleanliness and tidiness in the house and having beautiful things in it.
4. I am obsessive about my gardens looking perfect.
5. I don't touch alcohol.
6. I am really, really good with managing my money.

Sending love to everyone who has posted on this thread, especially those who have struggled or are still struggling with major issues. We are all different and have had different experiences but being able to "talk" it out on here hopefully helps. Hugs x

I’m reading this and trying to see if I’m fucking up my teen DD. I know I’ve done some things wrong but I hope over the next few years I can correct them. Mostly, fingers massively crossed, I think I’m doing ok.

This thread is good as whilst my own DF left me with body confidence issues due to snide comments, it’s good to see that if you’re aware of it you can break the cycle.

Despite my issues, I’ve gone out of my way to fake body confidence whenever DD is around and so far she seems to see herself as beautiful (which she is of course) and I’m proud she does.

It’s taken me a while but I wanted to read all the posts on this thread. Some of them make me want to weep.

I felt loved especially by my Dad but as an unplanned child to an older mother I can appreciate she did her best but I must’ve turned her world upside down. My two elder brothers were 11&13. She was a 50s housewife who never fulfilled her potential but instead of encouraging me she just wanted me to be like her. I think she may also have OCD. As I’ve gotten older it affects me more, not less.
There are so many moments of learned behaviour that impact on my life. She means well but can press all my buttons in one throw away comment. She never asks a meaningful question about my life ever but will tell me the minutiae of hers. All I ever got was subliminals to marry and have kids as that was what was expected of me. So my first husband was totally unsuitable and my second still isn’t my soul mate. I still don’t feel complete as a person and despite seeing a counsellor and trying to move forward I feel stuck.

I never really wanted kids but I have two wonderful ones that I strive to do my best for but equally I’m terrified I totally fuck them up.

I never got to do anything fun for myself, no after school clubs, no hobbies, no sports. There was always an underlying sense that my folks, especially my Mum, couldnt be arsed taking me anywhere. I never had pals round to play but was very much a child in an adult environment. I was very shy and no one ever bothered to find out what made me tick or encourage me. I instinctively knew not to coz any hassle. I once was about to start dance lessons as a friend of the family had noticed I could dance well. When it came to it although I was shy my Mum sighed and said ‘so are you wanting to go or not’ in a tone that suggested she didn’t want to take me. I never went much to my regret. Years later I took myself off to dance lessons myself and found my calling. I love it and have so many friends through dance and the freedom to express my inner self.
My Mum has never seen me dance though. I had a big birthday party (the only one I’ve ever had) and she never came, making excuses that she didn’t want to stay too late or bother anyone to take her home (she never goes to anything).I’d have paid for her taxi home but she couldn’t even make the effort to come to her only daughter’s 50th. I wonder how I will feel when she passes but it’ll probably be guilt for not feeling the grief I’m supposed to.

I’ve been reading the book ‘Running on empty’ where the name given to it is childhood emotional neglect. You can be fed, clothed, loved but something is missing but you don’t know what. Another brilliant book is Motherwell by Deborah Orr. A difficult read for me.
I felt I was getting to a good place but then Covid happened and I’ve lost my confidence in myself and of course my dancing has stopped until heaven knows when.

This is such a sad thread but one I can relate to. All our food was grown or raised by my dad so it couldn't go to waste when served. I had all brothers and we were given the same size servings and always had to finish everything and then have pudding! I still have to finish now and it's led to weight issues.

I can also see how DH'a parents have affected him. No real interest in him when he was growing up, it was always about what the neighbours might think and he had to play the role of the youngest child and not step out of line. He's now paranoid about so many things and thinks he's not worthy enough.

My DM used to compare me to my cousins (unfavourably). It was always a case of "I'll bet X never has this kind of trouble with Y." It always felt that, no matter what I did, it was never good enough. It didn't help that the cousin I was most often compared to was the one emotionally and mentally abusing me. Not that I would have been believed if I had spoken out about it until about a year before her death as that cousin could do no wrong.
Her view only changed during a hospital stay when said cousin and her DM visited. The cousin was engaged at the time and had just come from a wedding fayre. Her DM told her to tell my DM what her wedding was currently costing. On finding out, my DM strangely, never compared me to my cousins ever again. Unfortunately, it was too late and the damage was done. Even now, when I'm on my bad days, I find myself comparing myself unfavourably to that cousin.