Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

I could write an essay but I’ll try and condense.

It was a revelation when my father died, mother passed 9 years earlier, when a whole heap of resentment and anger surfaced. Enduring memories include when as a child of maybe between 8 and 13, I can’t remember, having a tantrum and telling him I’m not speaking to him, as a child might, and him carrying that on until I had to make the first move to set things right. Only after he was dead did I acknowledge was a bastard move that was.

I can’t claim to have had an abusive childhood, nowhere near some of the stories here, but the lack of support and encouragement had a significant effect on me in hindsight. Only when I left what I never realised was a cocooned existence, no outside socialising, very little family interaction beyond a couple of aunts, never anyone outside the family invited to the house, parents never socialising and a complete shutting out of the world beyond our little core. The lack of physical affection was something I never realised was a thing until I was older too.

That all turned me into a rather hard and, though I fight it well, judgemental person, me being the main victim.

There are other myriad things that add to this resentment too but it’s too much to recount.

The result? I think I’m probably emotionally stunted. I have a lovely wife and two beautiful and accomplished children. I really have done my best to not repeat the experiences I went through, made easier to some me extent by wealth but more so by making sure the emotional and physical as well as social elements were strong and positive. But, emotionally I feel like I’m a fish out of water and going through the motions. A bit of a fraud.

So, to round up, yes, they do fuck you up. But I totally go with the Larkin poem in terms of what my parents went through which resulted in how they treated me.

I still can’t forgive them but I’m also conflicted about that lack of forgiveness.

I really know my experience is not a patch on the crap that’s in a long t of the posts here but it still fucks with your mind. It’s a complete shit shower.

Oh god I can relate.

Being totally self-deprecating but arrogant at the same time? Go figure that one.

Having the smallest /crappest bit of a meal at someone's house. Bloody martyrdom.

So weird about sex/bodily functions. All just so embrassing for some stupid reason.

Never actually saying what you mean - it's all in code, to 'be polite' to suit the other person.

My parents had the superiority complex too - and seemed to have this idea that we were mega wealthy. But we weren't really.

The main thing that REALLY pisses me off is how overweight I was as a kid - it really effected me. I was bullied, had low self esteem, my mum always used to say 'oh, a size 14 is just nice' etc. Even when I was 14, 5'5 and basically would have looked a hell of a lot better 2 stone lighter. I remember being told about dietetics at school (which really interested me) but thought 'oh, if I mention that, people will take the piss and say she's so interested in food' etc. So I didn't pursue it at all.

I come from a theatrical family. Growing up, there were lots of very camp family friends and it was normal at the time for people like that to have a very cutting sense of humour.

Consequently, I can be very spiteful, in an attempt to be funny. My parents think I'm hilarious of course, but for people I've just met, it can be a bit much.

I don't blame my parents, though. I had a fantastic childhood, in spite of there not being much money and my parents drinking far more than is good for them.

My mother was very critical of others and us. Frequently absconded and we would have to look for her. Threatened to leave us as we were the bane of her life and useless. Never allowed friends over and the one time she did she humiliated me on front of them. Constantly criticising us. Would lock herself in her bedroom for days angry at us for some nonexistant thing that we did wrong. Never allowed us to just be and relax at home. Resented spending money on essentials for us. Dad was lovely but weak and did fuck all to protect us from her. It was just a miserable upbringing. Surprising thing is now that she is in her 80s she is largely lovely, though she does still have her moments. Does narcissism traits wane in elder years?? Ive often wondered that as she was textbook when we were growing up.

On paper I had a lovely childhood and she was a good Mum when we were young.

The one thing I did hate though was she would never come in with me at my clubs and drop me off to the teacher. She would just pull up outside and I had to go in alone. I wasn’t that but that bothered me, it was when the teacher gave information about tradings or equipment etc I never knew the full story or would get it wrong and then would miss out. One day we had a full days tradings and I was just there at the leisure centre all alone and every other child had their parents there, when she turned up to pick me up the tradings weren’t finished and I went off with another parent who had kind of adopted me and she had a go at me.

It’s when I was a teenager things changed. We didn’t have school uniform and they hardly bought me any new clothes or shoes and hardly gave me any money at all. I babysat and did odd jobs so I was ok, but then at 16 she tried to tell me I couldn’t go out once and then I started rebelling as I thought you mentally checked out a couple of years ago you’re not telling me what to do now!

She’s a typical 50’s housewife too and has always been subservient to a man. I’m the complete opposite.

@HermioneMakepeace Your family sound fabulous. Mine were very posh, religious (Roman Catholic) and entirely focused on academia, and tended to look down on other people, which means I became a bit snobby myself until fairly recently. I never had to clean or tidy or manage money which has been a bane all my life. Mealtimes were strict, I would get locked in the dining room until i finished my dinner, which led to me sneaking into the kitchen late at night to eat Ritz crackers and cheese, so now I have a really messed up relationship with food. I love my parents dearly, they are great in so many ways, but i wish they had lightened up a bit. I ended up leaving home at 16, had drug problems, terrible boyfriends and was pretty ill equipped for living. On the plus side I have learnt a lot and am quite independent and tough now.

oh dear god - yes! Completely. Not really my mum's fault she had an odd up bringing and after my dad died she was left to do everything single handed with zero support (she had no friends or family) but blaming me for every life choice is made ever was soul destroying. 'I would have moved ages ago if it wasnt for YOU!' i moved house years ago i still get this even though i havent lived there for 15 years! And i only stayed because all i got was 'you'll just bugger off and leave me all alone and not care'. My sibbling was far smarter and left in her teens, i stayed through guilt into my 20s. At 16 being told i didnt pay my way and i was rude and ungrateful for not providing money ( i was in full time education) i explained she never explained that i needed to or who much stuff cost so i had no idea, massive screaming match from her about me needing to cough up and me saying give me an ball park idea and i'll see what my saturday job can do... but nope, she flattly refused to let me know any figures or see any bills to understand what it cost. She decided £400 a month would cover it. I bought my own food but she didnt want me taking up space in the fridge... then claimed i was so unloving when i spent my whole childhood feeling like a stone around her neck. Getting yelled at all the time, smacked for being scared of the dark, being to scared to tell her i started my period at 9 years old that I hid it for a year!! (pinched supplies of my sister). We never had music on, never had photos up, she thought we were a cut above the rest too. It's left me shy, reclusive and unable to stand up for myself. Looking back on it she was severely depressed and not coping with life at all and us kids took the brunt of it. I've gone out of my way to make sure i dont treat my kids that way (i actually swore i would never have any because of how i was raised) but i'm sure im screwing them up in different ways! I've gone through heel for a good few years and ive been moody when i didnt want to be and gone out of my way to let them know it's not ok or at least give them a heads up that im grumpy as heck so lets all be extra kind. But yes - parents screw up and screw their kids up - there is no manual on how to do this and we are winging it day by day doing the best we can with what we have.

Number of issues with my parents. They were mentally ill and abusive for a start therefore fucking up a large section of my life which has had repercussions to this day.
One of my mother’s annoying traits was/is defensiveness as well as aggressiveness. She cannot take any criticism/feedback on clearly terrible behaviour. She spent most of my childhood self projecting her issues onto me e.g. convincing me that I was mentally ill, or a “schizo” as she liked to say. Or saying that i was aggressive and too sensitive. She managed to convince other people I was too which has consequently negatively impacted my relations with them. It was all bollocks.
She was also horribly racist (being a non-black from Africa) but has managed to see the light over the years and has learnt to keep any negative comments to herself. Rather than become a racist like her, I remember being appalled by it, even at the age of 5 or 6. I just knew at there was something wrong with my mother... Quite an unsettling feeling when you are so young.
I’m planning to break all ties with her soon. I just don’t want toxic people in my life - life is too short and you need to protect you/your family’s well-being.

I have found this thread really helpful, thank you for starting. I also come from a family like this. I am extremely anxious and never feel good enough, alongside being very prone to judgement and criticism. Trying to address this stuff is some of the hardest work I have ever done, oh the irony of that given that I was raised in a family that saw academic achievement as the pinnacle of success...I hope I am breaking this legacy for my kids, but sometimes it feels absolutely huge and overwhelming. I am learning to stop myself when I want to be sarcastic or bitch about people as I just don't want to be that person anymore. I am also beginning to reassess all relationships as I have allowed people in my life who do exactly the same and I don't want that shit anymore.

@SaladBap

I’ve spoken to a few of my friends and husband about this topic on family. What you have to remember is that family are just people with a genetic link to you. That’s it.

Once you understand that. It’s quite easy to deal with. If people treat or affect you badly, you remove them from your circle. It’s a lot easier then you think, once you get over the whole - but they’re my family.

Family are just people with a genetic link to you. Just people. Who have the ability to affect you positively or negatively. If you chose to let them carry on affecting you negatively (once you realise this is the case) then that is your choice and your decision. The blame is no longer on your family but you choosing to stay and not change.

Being a better version of yourself is never easy, but do it for YOU, your family and children.

My husband just often asks me - don’t you miss your family. I say - would you miss me if I impacted on your life negatively everyday.

Would you regularly see, have dinner or buy presents for a person/people who constantly impact on your life negatively? His answer is always - no!

So then I say, why would I miss my family? They are just people with a genetic link to me. Is my life better without them - yes. Would my life be better with them in my life (if they stay they same as they are) - no. Am I a better person with out them - yes.

So what’s the problem? Just because society teaches us from a young age that we need a family for a full and happy life, doesn’t mean this is true. Society also taught us to look pretty and find a Prince Charming for our happily ever after.......

Just do what is right for you and your family. Don’t worry about other people’s thoughts.

I loved my parents dearly but they were terrible snobs, with the result that I grew up with certain standards that I have now completely rejected. They were also very active in a certain political party which I now despise and am in fact a paid up member of the opposite party (I won't say which one). They also read newspapers which I totally disagree with, although my brother and sister still read them. I wish I had not grown up with such prejudiced views. But as I say I loved them dearly.

I was a very clumsy child and my Mum could not deal with this, exploded every time I dropped something or fell over. Lots of smacking/hair pulling. If I forgot something e.g. school hat she said 'sometimes I don't love you very much'.

I still (late 30's) flinch every time I drop something or there's a crash as if I am about to get walloped. DH doesn't understand this overreaction.

I tell my kids I love them a lot a million times a day!

Externally we were the perfect family. However we were terrified of my mum when Dad not around.

This thread has been very interesting for me to read. My DP and I are from abusive homes so do worry we may be 'damaging' our DD in other ways as we have no role models for normal parenting or understanding of common pitfalls we could fall in to without being abusive or violent.
I must admit I am a pushy, helicopter parent already but manage to catch myself most of the time.
I worry I may be putting pressure on her to be perfect. I dont want to impose my expectations on to my DD but I find myself thinking that because she is getting all the advantages DP and I did not she will be able to surpass all our accomplishments. I know its unhealthy and reading this thread has made me question my parenting alot!

Thanks for this thread OP. I'm still getting to grips with the ways my parents, mostly my DM, have affected me.

She is a textbook narc (as was her mum- she was the scapegoat) and I have gone from being the golden child to being the scapegoat.

My DD died last year and the way my DM acted was just awful (they had been separated for over nearly 15 years) and apparent to everyone except her and some family friends who don't know what she is really like.

She called me fat 3 months after I gave birth, told me I would never succeed in my chosen career (I have), told her daughters that she'd only ever wanted a son....

She has never said she is proud of us, yet brags to everyone she knows about our achievements. She also never keeps friends. As a child I found that odd, however I can now see that its because she can never be wrong.

I have virtually no memories of my parents as a child as we spent every school holiday with relatives and were closer to them than we were to our parents.

Like other PP, I feel sad when I hear about the lovely, supportive relationships people have with parents, especially their mothers. There was a thread the other day that said most people have bad relationships with their parents but I'm not sure how true that is. I miss my dad terribly but I'm not sure how I'll feel when my mum passes.

@DanniArthur My DP and I are from abusive homes so do worry we may be 'damaging' our DD in other ways as we have no role models for normal parenting or understanding of common pitfalls we could fall in to without being abusive or violent.

This is a huge problem for me, I have zero healthy parenting to follow that happened in my own childhood.

One of my friends is a parent and he just seems to know what to do and I used to think he was just naturally paternal and I wasn’t. It didn’t dawn on me for a long time that it wasn’t paternal instinct, he had good parents who used healthy discipline, language, behaviour etc in the home that he could essentially copy as an adult.

Some of these aren't so small. I'm generally very grateful to my parents for how they brought me up, even though some of the ingrained behaviours (e.g. don't relax until the work is done!) sometimes annoy DH!

I think the small way I feel my Mum's influence wasn't so positive was to do with clothes. She didn't encourage any interest in clothes or personal style and I went off to uni with a wardrobe of items she'd chosen for me from M&S. I didn't know any different and was envious of other girls who had a clear sense of personal style and had been shopping for their own clothes for years.

In one sense I appreciate that, as an adult, I like to look presentable and a bit stylish but am no slave to fashion or grooming (quite comfortable in my own skin I suppose); but it took me a long time, probably until my late 30s, until I developed a strong feeling for what suited me and could spend money on clothes without thinking 'would my Mum approve of this?'.

This is a very interesting thread and I've been giving this a lot of thought since I became a parent myself.

My parents were mostly very good but certain things have affected me deeply. When I moved to secondary school I basically didn't cope. In hindsight I was suffering with anxiety. I used to worry about walking down a certain path or corridor, where I was sat in class, who I was in a class with, who I went to lunch with, who I walked home with, basically everything I once told my mum about this and she just said I'd have to get used to it, she always thought I was a negative person. I used to cry about going to school. I'd pretend to have stomach ache to avoid it. My mum thought I had a stomach ulcer due to stress. At the end of year 7, the thought of four more years got too much and I took an overdose. It was NEVER talked about again, not even my sister knows. The school weren't told. I wasnt bullied, the thought of school just filled me with worry and terror.

I was thinking back to this as it's something I've had to declare as part of sorting life insurance. I didn't even tell DH about my overdose until I basically had to. I was ashamed and this shame has lifted because I WAS A CHILD. In hindsight now as an adult, I've always carried the thought that I was somehow negative and stupid and this was to be ashamed of. Now I see that I was an unwell child, clearly suffering mental health problems relating to school life and my parents did...nothing. Didnt inform the school, didn't seek help for anxiety or stress. Just left me to it with a stern warning not to be so silly again.

This feeds into a wider thing with my mum specifically where she has always said that I am a negative person, a pessimist and that although she loves me she doesn't always like me.

[quote eminthebigsmoke]@saladbap

Yes! My gosh I could have written your post. I loved my mum very much, but came to realise a few years ago that a key way that we bonded was bitching about other people, I just didn't recognise it as that at the time. Absolutely cringe thinking of some of the things I've done / said over the years that I thought were funny when they were actually just mean.

I am really really trying not to voice those first thoughts about stuff around my kids as I don't want them to have this too.

Good luck![/quote]
Yes - this is so true. And I really don't like it about myself.
My mum did say to me recently that I am a lot kinder than she is.
I think being a MNer (been here on and off for over a decade) has made me aware how much we need to bear in mind the battles we know nothing about, the insecurities we all hold and that as a rule people are well meaning. (obvs as well as the fact that anyone with a bog brush is the very devil and never mind anyone who puts a handbag on a kitchen worksurface )

Yes! And I didn’t realise for years. But I discovered my mum had been slagging off my DH to my Godmother (her oldest friend) and put two and two together - Mum’s always spent ages moaning about how other people behave and how they don’t do something exactly like her. I’ve realised she basically circulates moaning about others behind their backs. I realised I was sometimes doing this so am trying to nip it in the bud.
Also. Not putting her children first, but always putting random elderly relatives/friends first because she preferred their praise about how ‘good’ she is. Not listening to our needs. I remember how unhappy I was as a child, nothing dramatic, but it did pave the way for a breakdown in my 20s and a couple of bouts of depression since.

I think the key thing is recognising it, I’m taking action to limit her impact on my DD’s life. And not getting sucked into her spiral of negativity.

I’m reading all of these and there’s a lot of suffering and sadness. Just wanted to say you all deserved nurture and love when you were children.
There’s a common idea that children are resilient, it’s something adults say when they can’t deal with children’s pain and suffering. When children are treated badly by those that are supposed to love them they turn inward for explanations and take the responsibility themselves.
It wasn’t your fault.

Definitely the sneery side of things. Fat people, ‘uneducated’ people, grammar and spelling mistakes, package holidays, conservatories, bleached hair, McDonald’s, primark, ready made food like jars of pasta sauce. (But also supposedly ‘liberal’ so black people, immigrants, LGB as it was, was all fine) Took me ages to stop thinking like that. It’s so freeing to not feel hostile towards people who are different. And criticising anyone who did things differently. Eg. Me: ‘I’m going on holiday to ...’ repsonse: ‘why on earth would you want to do that?’ This could be about anything though. Career, baby names, choice of number of kids, whatever.

@Fanthorpe There’s a common idea that children are resilient, it’s something adults say when they can’t deal with children’s pain and suffering.

I agree with this. You hear it all the time. Kids are so resilient. Posts like this show that they’re really not. It’s just that you don’t always see the effects as it only comes out in therapy.

But also supposedly ‘liberal’ so black people, immigrants, LGB as it was, was all fine
Yes! Same here.
Really weird because: do the black people get a pass on the package holidays and the ready made pasta sauce?
Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
It's very confusing and inconsistent.

Mum came from a very dysfunctional aristocratic family. Her bothers were favoured over mum and her sisters. It was a very patriarchal environment. All the children were emotionally neglected.

Mum was taught that girls need not need education or a career. They needed to make a "good marriage". That meant landing a rich, preferably titled husband.

My dad's family were "posh but poor". He won a scholarship to a top public school and then went to Cambridge.

Both my parents were very keen on me getting an education and put a lot of pressure on me to do well at school and go to university.

However, this all changed when, aged 17, I got romantically involved with a much older, rich and titled man. Suddenly, all they could think of was me marrying this man. They even suggested I give up my hard won university place.

The man treated me badly for three years and yet my parents pressurised me to pursue him.

My mother, in particular, could barely talk about anything else and would not accept that this man treated me in a selfish, uncaring and cruel way.

It was only when they saw his cruelty towards me with their own eyes, that the penny dropped.

I really wish none of this had happened, because it brought out the worst in my parents and it was a strange and difficult episode that I took years to recover from...

@unlimiteddilutingjuice really confusing. I remember thinking I was so open minded when I was a kid. And then realising that I wasn’t at all and was actually really judgemental!