Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

My parents were also both very heavy smokers. My Mum still is, in her eighties.

I must have absolutely stunk of fags and pipe smoke as a child.

Neither my sister or I have ever smoked though. Some cycles can be broken.

When you say totally new eyes, I get you.

I don't think I realised my parents actually had personalities until I was 30. Quite a revelation.

One of my worst memories was one Christmas Eve. My parents thought I had gone to bed, but I was up and excited about impending Christmas. I was sitting on the stairs and there was a grille where you could look through to the living room. I saw my dad motion to hit my mum and my mum screeched. They were surrounded by Xmas presents. It had kind of ruined Christmases for me more than 30 years on. Another time we were at a pantomime which was paid for for all the families where my dad worked. After it ended my dad wanted to stay and socialize but my mum wanted to go home. In the car he lost his temper and went to pull her towards him. Since then I always feel stressed at pantomimes and remember that event.

My late father was a violent alcoholic who lost his job and never worked again. My mum had to be the breadwinner, which she was proud of, but also resented. She had a number of affairs which she told me about - in hindsight that was terrible. My brother sexually assaulted me. Only once, when very drunk, but still.

I was and am jealous of happy families but was too scared and fucked up to try to have kids myself, when I was young enough. I was terrified of letting them down the way I felt let down and also of being in any way dependant on a man. I am an alcoholic myself - though I haven’t had a drink for 15 years. I went through a promiscuous phase lasting for years. My solution throughout has been to throw myself first into achievement - I left as soon as I could for uni - then I threw myself into my career. I’ve been very successful in that respect, and I’ve been married, faithfully and largely happily (given my demons and his) to a good man for many years now. We’ve basically saved one another.
He provides a lot of the looking after I craved. My mum remarried and I have built a good relationship with her and the wider family, except my brother. I still feel jealous of those happy families though. I have the same attitude of critics on here of don’t let yourself be defined by your past, but I flay myself regularly for not doing a better job in that respect. Particularly, I’m ashamed of myself for not realising sooner that I could have had kids if only I’d managed to sort out my head. By the time I’d done it I was mid forties and it was too late. Now I’m trying to make the best of the many good things in my life, to be grateful for the gift I’ve given myself of sobriety and to forgive everyone, including me.

When my parents would have a huge argument, My Dad would sometimes force my mum and I into the car and would threaten to kill himself in front of her. I was just a witness to it. . He would drive at rivers, threaten to drink paraquat. On occasions he put me out of the car and sped off with my mother. I never knew if they would return. They always did. It happened three or four times, that I can remember. It stopped when I was about 12.

He never did it when my older brother was around.

I have never told a living soul about this.

I have complex PTSD due to a very violent and traumatic childhood.
My mum and dad are both alcoholics, my dad would regularly beat and rape my mum in front of my sister and I. My mum then began beating us when we got older (maybe 7 or 8) she regularly told me she tried to abort me and blamed me for the way my dad treated her.
Every memory I have from my childhood is horrendous. Emotional, psychology and physical abuse was a daily occurrence as well as neglect.
I've been NC with them since I was kicked out at 15 and been in therapy for over 3 years. I still get triggered by things like people touching my hair (my mum would grab me by the hair and drag me around) but slowly I'm healing.
I know my childhood is an extreme example of parents fucking us up but really do recommend seeing a good psychologist, EMDR and schema therapy really has changed my life.

I vividly remember the moment when I realised that absolutely everyone I knew well enough that I'd know had some sort of issues from their childhood/parents, including me, and it was therefore pretty inevitable that my tiny, perfect baby DS would one day have some issue that could be traced back to me. I think it's one of the most upsetting thoughts I've ever had. He's still only two but I can already see my mannerisms and he repeats my phrases, so I guess he will indeed probably either inherit some of my flaws or react so strongly against them that it's an issue in and of itself. I'm not going to make the world's first perfectly psychologically balanced person.

Yeah, I've got issues with food, and just general information. My mum, bless her accepted my interests and helped me but my dad and step mum used to find it odd a lot of the time. (I likened, and still do, learning about illnesses because it fascinates me).

I'm working through my food problems though. My DH has been so helpful and understanding, and wants me to feel like I'm the one in control because I never have been.

My parents effed up my life but it wasn't their fault. Mum had MH problems and Dad buried himself in work to ignore it. I became very resilient and resourceful as a result but I struggle to deal with people in effective ways. I am introverted and would live on a desert island given half a chance.

That’s me to a tee ... 😦

I remember my Mum saying to me that she used to leave me crying for hours on my own as a baby.

On my own. Like I feel in a crowded room, and like I know that’s how I’ll end up.

Thank you, OP - and also the rest of you who have been brave enough to bare your souls a little in front of the rest of us like this. This is one of the most powerful threads I've read on here - Lots of evidence of real pain which has been suffered in silence but lots of hope for the future as folk have come to terms with their less than perfect childhoods and still become relatively stable, good-humoured and optimistic adults, in spite of everything. Thank you all for your encouragement.

This is only a tiny thing but it has messed up my vision of myself for years.

When I was 13 the tight 3/4 sleeve length blouses were in fashion in Ireland. I was desperate to get one. My mam agreed to get it for me and when we got to the shop she insisted that I needed a size 14 as I had a "big bust." At the time I was skinny, all arms and legs and was wearing a 32a bra. It was massive on me but she insisted that it fitted perfectly and that I needed the space.

Since becoming an adult I have always felt that I'm quite a large person but the reality is that even after just giving birth I have never been bigger than a 12 and my usual size is between a 8-10. It took me years to wear clothes that actually fit me - I was in my late 20s before I picked up the right size for myself.

Even now she'll sometimes comment on how I'm wide like my auntie or not petite like my cousins. She then doesn't understand when I'm not particularly confident about my body. She then talks about how sporty she was amd how her mother always told her that she wears her clothes too big and is much smaller than she thinks. It's weird.

Like other PPs the biggest issue I inherited from my DM was around food. She clearly had binge eating issues herself because I remember when I was 8-12yo she would buy a multi packs of a certain flavour of crisps and they would remain untouched all week until the weekend and then they would be gone in one night. I would notice this and when asked she would say- yes I think I am addicted to them, it's terrible. I don't remember me or my DS every getting to eat those crisps ourselves- they were kept in a separate part of the house from the kitchen.
When I started secondary school I felt very anxious about being alone in the house and would binge eat the communal junk food as a form of distraction and comfort until other people got home (I've only recognised this in hindsight after therapy). I would feel incredibly ashamed and like I had done something wrong and deny eating any of the junk food even though it was very obvious that it must have been me. Thus started an ongoing issue with binge eating and secret eating- once the weight inevitably began to pile on I would often make myself sick after bingeing or make myself sick after a meal if I had binged that day. It was miserable and I just remember the fear and anxiety and shame tbh- and I still feel it to this day. I feel I have no control over my behaviour around certain foods and as a result I continue to be at minimum overweight and at worst obese (managed to kick the purging by 21 but sadly not the binge part).
My DM went on to lose a lot of weight- by time I was 18 she was very slim and has remained so- imo she looks underweight now, with no muscle tone, but again only by incredibly odd restrictive habits, having the same weird meal every single night and only eating 1 piece of toast for breakfast and a piece of fruit for lunch (she worked a busy and active job).
She has become evangelical and preachy about food- preaches endlessly to my DH and I ( who are both overweight) through endless comments: 'oh you don't eat that do you? Load of rubbish' or 'that's a lot of salt', emails us articles about healthy eating at least once a month and when she and I spend time together her anecdotes nearly always come back to either someone's weight or food and being healthy. When she asks after my friends, it's nearly always accompanied with some comment about their weight-only ever positive to be fair but still why does she feel the need to comment at all, my friends are more than just what they weigh! Even after I split from my first every first love boyfriend she said to me as I sobbed down phone from University 'well you have put on weight since you met.' I've never forgotten that comment or how worthless it made me feel. I feel that my weight is a constant source of disappointment to my mother and until I slim down considerably and maintain a slim weight she will never be able to feel pleased with me.
As a mum to my own DD I live in constant fear of passing on my horrible eating habits and body image issues to her- it terrifies me she will become like I am.

My grandparents (both sides) war-time adults were awful to my parents by today's standards.

My parents (mum died when I was young) did their best but did things like hit me (Mum ended up with a criminal record for this) and smoke (I always smelt awful)

My DH and I aren't prefect by any stretch of the imagination but we have always done our best. I suspect things we do now will be considered awful when our children have children.

I have been able to track that the love and the expression of love has increased over the decades. My maternal Grandad always told me that my Grandma taught him what love was.

My Dad always told me I was clever so I never felt pretty. He always told my sis she was pretty so she never felt clever.

I use all sorts of words to describe my DC! Sometimes though I hear my Dad coming out of my mouth.

Feelings never talked about. Never feeling listened to and no affection

I think if you feel this is a trait you've inherited and don't want to pass onto your daughter then take positive steps to break the chain. Awareness is a wonderful thing.

Constantly being told that sex is dirty and men only want that from you, along with never hearing I love you from them. I spent my teens sleeping with men who only wanted sex, feeling dirty and not getting loved, this ended in rape and drug abuse and overeating. Thankfully after years of counselling and the other things that they gave me-a resilient spirit and an attitude of not quitting-I’m a million times better, married with children, healthy and well, but it took a bloody long time. Oh and I have a much better relationship with my parents, some things were aired, some not and I also
Realised that they had demons that affected them too.

Physically abusive dad towards mum as a young child. If I close my eyes I can still hear screaming and smashing.
Mum eventually having an affair, that meant dad left (I later found out he had plenty himself)
Dad marrying almost immediately and not inviting us
Mum falling pregnant with affair man after a couple of months
Affair man being another shouty throwing type
My mum dying suddenly 8 months after the baby was born
Staying with stepdad just to stay with baby
Being sworn at, screaming into my face about what a waste of space I was. Cleaning up stepdad vomit from drink & drugs
Looking after a baby, even though I was still only 12
Being told I was a liar as I reported stepdad for abusing my little brother
Being pushed from pillar, post, relatives, homelessness until I was 19- with 3 years with my own much older shouting, physically abusive boyfriend
But still. I'm a kind person, I stand back looking at my parents faults, praying I don't recreate them.

My mother was an alcoholic, but she seemed to think it was perfectly fine as she only drunk wine.
She also knew better than everyone else, even the doctors who told her if she carried on drinking she would be dead within 6 months... 6 months later we held her funeral, she was only 57..
Her constant put downs definitely affected me and still do now. I question myself all the time and suffer quite badly with anxiety

op I feel you. I am a boarding school brat. My dad told me at the weekend that he thinks it's important for mothers to be at home with the children.
My mum spent her whole life chasing round after my dad (military) and then they are shocked that I went to university and have some actual opinions.
My mother didn't like anyone who "tried too hard" so I didnt even get the hard working ethic.

Yeah, they fucked up and I've tried to not fuck up in the same ways but I'm sure I've fucked up in others.

And the next generation will find my fuck ups seriously shit and vow not to do the same but fuck up in their own ways.

For some reason my whole family have always pandered to my sister’s moods. After my dad died when I was a teenager, it got even more pronounced, and my mum would never do or say anything at all that my sister might not like or agree with. As a result, my sister is now a woman in her 40s who still has strops like a teenager and that everyone around her is too scared to address head on. I had a go at pointing out that she’s been unreasonable recently, and am now beginning yet another period of silent treatment. It’s a shame: she’d be an awesome person to have in my life if she weren’t so bloody prickly!

This thread! What a can of worms. I was raised by my mum and ‘dad’ who ignored me in favour of my sister. I instinctively knew he wasn’t my dad but was jealous of their relationship. She was pretty and shy. I was a ‘provoker’ and a genius! My mum was physically abused by him. My mum died when I was 12 and I then went to live in residential care. Stories of people I met in care were even more horrendous than my early life. By 20 I had a baby and a relationship with a controlling man. Then another baby. Followed by a separation and ten years of me trying to grow up and find my own values. I was raised without support or attention to my interests. Feel like an outsider because I cant speak about parents. Living in care. Leaving school at 14. Not having friends over. Shame and stigma are like shadows that steal any joy or achievement. Have not had family life modelled and have relied on more normal friends to demonstrate it. Being a parent has been so challenging and I actively work everyday to try and remedy some of my earlier failures with my adult children while having as much fun as possible with the youngest. I’ve been an overachiever! Proving myself worthy and deserving of love and respect - not the orphan abandoned to the care system. This year I’ve discovered my self obsessed, irresponsible, violent biological father and quickly closed the door to that emotional abuse! And also realised I have had undiagnosed ADHD my entire life. I don’t get it right all the time but I’m told when I’ve gotten it wrong and always listen, apologies and remedy my parenting as it’s so important for my children to be seen, heard and respected.

Christ. So many small things. They are good parents and imagine that they put us first and made a lot of sacrifices for us.

In reality it is clear to me that my father dislikes me and always did. Even now, when I am in my 50s and he is in his 80s he is critical and dismissive of me. I obviously irritate him, and in many ways it is the characteristics I have inherited from him that irritate him the most I think. As a child I admired him tremendously and was desperate to impress him, but we are both quite outspoken and argued a lot. It now makes me sad, as I recognise that he loves me but actually dislikes me considerably. He did me quite a lot of damage in childhood as far as my relationship with men is concerned and I have been far too desperate in the past to cling on to blokes who treated me like shit.

My mother is an intellectual snob and a Head Girl type who labelled me as "difficult" from a very young age and who is utterly dismissive of anyone who doesn't feel the same as her. If you said you didn't want to do something, or didn't like something you were met with a brisk don't be silly. Of course you do and this made me mutinous and convinced that I must be the awkward one. I looked through a lot of old family photos with her a while ago and just felt awful and sick and when she made some innocuous comment about "happy times" I ended up blurting out I was thoroughly unhappy as a child

Sorry...posted too soon.

She was really taken aback and said what do you mean? We were a really happy family because this is the narrative she has in her head and she can't accept that maybe I wasn't, and that actually I was bloody miserable. Throughout my life when things have been really shitty...and I mean cheating DH, life threatening illness etc she has simply said You'll manage, chin up. People don't want to listen to complaints. Thanks to this I've found it difficult to ask for help, have struggled on and mostly pretend I'm fine when I'm not.