Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

stop making it’s all about YOUR wishes.

Yeah Op make it about your parent's wishes!!!!!

When I got gifted nasty baby clothes not to my taste, I’d pop baby in whatever it was, take a quick photo, send to giver and never give the item another airing unless to go to charity shop.

Do that?

My family have asked what I want for baby and I've told them pink lots of pink. If they didn't ask I would just use whatever was given or if I really hated it exchange it or send it to a charity shop.

@raffat89 thank you so much!

@Smegmaballet ththey are gifts of baby clothes from grandmas to their new baby. What does it honestly matter if they’re pink, green or yellow? Unbelievable levels of self-indulgence with all this “woke” ideology of what a baby should be wearing. Get a grip!! It’s a baby. Shower it with love and keep it dressed comfortably. Then get over yourself.

*It was remarkable and even oblivious dh noticed the way she was spoken differently to when she was dressed in a green shirt and dungarees v a dress.

"You're really good at digging/ jumping/ so strong V what lovely pretty shoes etc*

This. My dd’s had this right up to teens. That and people “correcting” their sex, based on short hair, jeans and a hoodie.

@Smegmaballet

at the open supporters of underthinking.

I mean it's not surprising when you consider politics for the past 5 years, but still, to be so honest about it!

I'm enjoying this too. At least they're being consistent and not explaining why underthinking is best. It just is apparently.

It matter because people treat babies differently depending on perceived sex.

I don’t know why you need to make such a huge point about the baby gifts having to be gender neutral. I mean of course you can take whatever parenting approach you like...but when it gets to rejecting well intended gifts, it’s becoming rather self important don’t you think?

I think people used unisex clothes much more in the 70's as lots was hand-made or hand-knitted, it took ages, and with bigger families it did make sense to use it all again if possible. However, being that child with the short hair and the brown/green/dull clothing wasn't that fun, and when I went to school, the other children did take the piss out of some of my clothes, especially the Cloth Kits (anyone remember those?) and the hand-crafted shoes. It's also a class issue which no-one is really addressing (but is indirectly referenced- who gets Scandi type more expensive unisex clothing, and who gets their stuff cheaply from Asda which is far more heavily gendered). Unisex usually costs more now as it's a premium thing wealthier people want- although there's been some good tips on this thread about where to get cheap and cheerful unisex clothes (H & M?)

I think what you say to them and how you treat them (eg what are they encouraged to do, what are they praised for) will have a bigger long term impact. Once dc meet up with other ones their clothes wishes will be influenced by them and unless you refuse to let them have a pink dress etc "for their own good" you will have largely lost that battle.

I've got issues with DHs family having absolutely no taste and wanting to dress unborn DS in anything hideous.
I've told them the type of things I like and will be dressing DS in, I've also told them they can buy him what they want, but if I don't like it he won't be wearing it, I'll either return it and exchange it for something else, or donate it.
Start as you mean to go on, if they send you a picture of something say 'I don't like that because x, y, z and wouldn't dress the baby in it'

@otterbaby

I really dislike this concept of "grandparents will be grandparents, just let them buy it, take a photo and then donate it." It seems so unnecessary and just a waste of money...and you're the parents, surely you get to have a say instead of just having to go along with it!

We've had this conversation with my in-laws as well. While I don't mind some pink/flowers for our daughter, we're trying to keep it pretty neutral and they're very much white frills and head bonnets. Also agree with you about baby jeans and outfits, if I bloody hate wearing jeans, how does a baby feel?!

We sent them a few websites with examples of what we like and asked them to stick with that. When asked what we needed, I always said that we needed sleepsuits/baby grows etc. And would sometimes send a specific link and say "we saw this brand has some lovely stuff!" I think you have to refrain from making it about gender roles because it can be difficult to change their perspective on that, but instead reenforce your style preferences.

Thanks, yes I think this is sensible advice.

Yes I agree and one of the main reasons was not wanting them to waste their money!

OP you are the one who is making this an issue.

If you have a girl and they buy a blue sleepsuits with tractors on, will you refuse to put it on your daughter because it's "gendered"?

@Oliversmumsarmy

I think you have about a year or so to impose clothing of your choice onto your child.

Having had a boy and a girl they definitely knew their style by the time they went to nursery.

I was brought up in the 60s and was usually dressed in “practical” clothing and given a short back and sides because it was easier than having long hair and I hated it. Having to tell people I was a girl all the time.
After a screaming fit at the hairdressers to have my hair cut at 11 years old (I used to have to be held down when I was taken to the hairdressers or if my mother cut my hair) I have only once ventured back into a hairdressers and I am nearly 60.

How far are you willing to take the gender neutral upbringing.
What happens if your little girl decides she hates her gender neutral clothes and wants to dress as a pink clad Disney princess and to take up ballet
What if you have a boy who wants to play with trucks and trains and ignores all the barbie dolls or crafting sets

Thanks but I wasn't seeking advice about how to manage if my child grows up to have certain preferences. I'm not worried about this. This post was purely about managing the current situation with GP's.

OP is the definition of "hard work" I suspect.
I don't disagree with her intentions but I think she is going about them the wrong way.

You must don't put them on your child.

It's really that simple.

Good luck to being a parent if you overthink small things this much

@Raella50 Unbelievable levels of self-indulgence with all this “woke” ideology of what a baby should be wearing. Get a grip!! It’s a baby. Shower it with love and keep it dressed comfortably. Then get over yourself.

I'm sorry you feel so offended. I don't think we are on the same page though. Shower it with love and dress it comfortably - yes to that.

Love the way the younger generation thinks they are so 'woke' and sneers at older women '1950s style housewife'.
Well that is strange as I don't recall all this sparkly princess and unicorn shizz at all when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s.
It is the present generation of mothers who want their baby girls in sparkly head bows and tiny party frocks.

Pervious generations were much more sensible.

@pictish

I don’t know why you need to make such a huge point about the baby gifts having to be gender neutral. I mean of course you can take whatever parenting approach you like...but when it gets to rejecting well intended gifts, it’s becoming rather self important don’t you think?

What if the parents objected to certain clothes/designs/imagery on the basis of their religion. Would that be allowed in your book?

We have our values. They clearly don't chime with yours. But we are entitled to them.

Btw I am with you and so is my daughter Re dressing her baby girl. M and S have some nice inoffensive things...

@EverdeRose

I've got issues with DHs family having absolutely no taste and wanting to dress unborn DS in anything hideous. I've told them the type of things I like and will be dressing DS in, I've also told them they can buy him what they want, but if I don't like it he won't be wearing it, I'll either return it and exchange it for something else, or donate it. Start as you mean to go on, if they send you a picture of something say 'I don't like that because x, y, z and wouldn't dress the baby in it'

Haha thank you!

Just be grateful you having loving parents who want to buy clothes for your baby.

You'll find all the set ideas you have fizzle away when reality sets in and you actually gain some experience of looking after your baby.

If they buy some things you don't like, give them to charity, someone else will be grateful. Is it so hard really to say '0h yeah really cute' if your mum texts you a picture of a tutu?

My babies have only one grandparent left and I hoover up all the love I can from my mil!!

@Destroyedpeople

Love the way the younger generation thinks they are so 'woke' and sneers at older women '1950s style housewife'. Well that is strange as I don't recall all this sparkly princess and unicorn shizz at all when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s. It is the present generation of mothers who want their baby girls in sparkly head bows and tiny party frocks.

Pervious generations were much more sensible.

That might be so. I'm not in the sparkly unicorns camp though, and lots of other younger women aren't either.

I haven’t read the whole thread but one thing that occurs to me is this:

Blue clothes and clothes with trucks, dinosaurs, aeroplanes on them are not “gendered” because last time I looked millions of adult women wore blue and worked in the automotive/aviation/palaeontology fields.

Pink is not gendered- my husband wears a lot of pink work shirts.

Flowers are not gendered- men wear flowery shirts. And garden.

Trousers are not gendered.

So it’s only the dresses, skirts, Frills and slogans like “Princess” that need to be avoided. I grew up in the 70s and wore a selection of brown and green t shirts and trousers most of my childhood.

I find it deeply odd that little girls now seem to wear skirts and dresses for active play - saw a family of three of them aged maybe 5 to 10, cycle up my road the other day all wearing skirts. Mum was of course wearing trousers because skirts are of course stupidly impractical for cycling! In my childhood I’d have been told to stop being silly and put my jeans on!