Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

Unless they have been living in a cave, they must surely know about non gendered clothing. I'm a granny and I know about it - in fact when I had my kids in the 70's they both wore non gendered clothing, navy and yellow and every colour except pink / blue. And I'm sure that your MIL and DM are younger than me !

Your MIL and DM are just getting carried away with the idea of a cute little baby wearing some adorable clothes , donated by their grandparents. Ignore their comments, and put your baby in whatever suits you.

Don't make a big fuss about this - honestly at the end of the day your baby will have a family which loves them, and that's all that matters. You'll find that there will be many other things which will matter more than issues like the colour of their clothes.

OP one more thing.

When I was out with dd and she was dressed in the odd "girly" thing... I got loads of comments about how "pretty" she was.

Fine when she's a newborn because obviously my children are all beautiful but NOT what I wanted at 18 months or 2 years.

It was remarkable and even oblivious dh noticed the way she was spoken differently to when she was dressed in a green shirt and dungarees v a dress.

"You're really good at digging/ jumping/ so strong V what lovely pretty shoes etc.

I really hated it.

@senua

You have to remember, OP, that the GPs2be with their antiquated ways raised you and DH, and you turned out OK. If their influence didn't work at first hand (as parents) then it's even more unlikely at second hand (as grandparents).

Actually our upbringing was not good, but that's another story!

My baby wears pink merino singlets and socks, too expensive to buy in "boys" colours!. Things I get bought and don't like tend to get used for daycare.

I don't tend to buy overtly pink things for my toddler either but people buy her fairy dresses and she loves it, we went shopping the other day and she chose a mustard top with blue butterflies on it...something to remember as it does get to a point where they want to choose their own clothes.

Overthinking something is always better than underthinking.

Why are some posters “a breath of fresh air” for saying their children have clothes from both sides of the aisle and have dinosaurs and rainbow sequins for both yet you are critical of others who have said basically exactly the same thing!

Children will be children they’ll have their own thoughts ideas options let them have options and encourage them to explore whatever they enjoy. They’ll have their own choices opinions wishes. That’s what most probes in this thread seem to be saying.

My relax or chill out mantra is because your focused on a newborn baby’s clothing. It DOESN'T MATTER you and your DH are the one dressing them. This is perhaps the only time you’ll have complete control in this area. Why are you stressing so much? Lots of posters have said way to approach grandparents is to explain your tastes not your ideology. That isnt as easily I received. Lots of us have tired it’s so not worth it. Just explain that you personally don’t like baby blues baby pinks slogan tops full outfits for babies so please bare that in mind. Say thanks for a gift and don’t use it is you don’t like it. It IS that simple whe. You are talking about a newborn!

Or do we just give up trying to explain?

Let them do what they want and buy what they want really. It makes them happy. Let this be practice from day one in how you are going to come up against societal gendered roles! Because you will. Its bloody overwhelming.

@Smegmaballet

Overthinking something is always better than underthinking.

No.

Can you send them some example pictures? My cousin dresses her two children (one of each gender) in the most adorable outfits that are always bright colours, stripes etc. It might help them realise what kind of stuff they should be looking for and also that it can still be cute. Equally you might not be into that but more into the grey/beige/white minimalist organic style of children’s clothes. Either way will help them figure out what you mean.

With the “what if they’re into trucks/princesses?” questions I would just say you’re not trying to make them act like the opposite gender, just that you don’t want to conform to stereotypes when they’re still tiny.

You could also try “I hate that stuff, it’s so tacky/old fashioned” if they still don’t get it, and not make it about gender at all...

Smegmaballet
Overthinking something is always better than underthinking.

definitively not

From what you said your DM and MIL were wives and mothers of the 1990s/2000s. Unless they’ve been living under a rock I’m sure they understand gender neutral clothing.

I doubt it’s a question of finding a simple way to explain it, they just don’t agree you. You do what you want.

in fact when I had my kids in the 70's they both wore non gendered clothing, navy and yellow and every colour except pink / blue

Ah the 70s. I remember those. Things genuinely were less sex stereotyped then. Thanks to feminism. It's totally reverted to sex segregated clothes and toys now. I was really shocked when I had my kids by how bad it is.

They can buy you what they want, you can’t stop them. However, you choose what your baby wears so hopefully once they realise you never put them in the clothes they buy, they will stop buying them. Let them have their little bit of enjoyment in the buying and the gifting. It’s their money, let them waste it. Both of mine spent most of their first six months in sleepsuits and onesies.

I really dislike this concept of "grandparents will be grandparents, just let them buy it, take a photo and then donate it." It seems so unnecessary and just a waste of money...and you're the parents, surely you get to have a say instead of just having to go along with it!

We've had this conversation with my in-laws as well. While I don't mind some pink/flowers for our daughter, we're trying to keep it pretty neutral and they're very much white frills and head bonnets. Also agree with you about baby jeans and outfits, if I bloody hate wearing jeans, how does a baby feel?!

We sent them a few websites with examples of what we like and asked them to stick with that. When asked what we needed, I always said that we needed sleepsuits/baby grows etc. And would sometimes send a specific link and say "we saw this brand has some lovely stuff!" I think you have to refrain from making it about gender roles because it can be difficult to change their perspective on that, but instead reenforce your style preferences.

I think you have about a year or so to impose clothing of your choice onto your child.

Having had a boy and a girl they definitely knew their style by the time they went to nursery.

I was brought up in the 60s and was usually dressed in “practical” clothing and given a short back and sides because it was easier than having long hair and I hated it. Having to tell people I was a girl all the time.
After a screaming fit at the hairdressers to have my hair cut at 11 years old (I used to have to be held down when I was taken to the hairdressers or if my mother cut my hair) I have only once ventured back into a hairdressers and I am nearly 60.

How far are you willing to take the gender neutral upbringing.
What happens if your little girl decides she hates her gender neutral clothes and wants to dress as a pink clad Disney princess and to take up ballet
What if you have a boy who wants to play with trucks and trains and ignores all the barbie dolls or crafting sets

at the open supporters of underthinking.

I mean it's not surprising when you consider politics for the past 5 years, but still, to be so honest about it!

I love a bit of baby blue or baby pink on a newborn, I used to dress dd head to town in pink and people would still say ‘oh he isn’t a big boy’ or ‘ what is his name’ grrrrr!

After the newborn phase any colour went however dd is now 16 and loves her pink shoes and lilacs.

As far as I’m aware the general response to gifts of any sort, whether they hit the spot or not, is to enthuse politely, thank the giver then move on.
Why can’t you do that? What am I missing here?

I am so glad the OP has now been introduced to the word "unisex".
I think I saw about one reasonable use of the word gender in the whole original post.

I used a lot of my son’s hand me downs for dd, even though they were fairly neutral you have to be prepared for everyone assuming she is a boy, and getting a bit embarrassed/annoyed when you correct them! The blue/pink thing is quite a handy code really

I'm not sure unisex clothing of the 70s was just a reaction to feminism I think it was also about practicalities of passing clothing down. Trousers were designed to be taken up and taken down.

We live in a society that dumps everything or buys clothes that are basically disposable.

@NewbieMumma, I get it. I had the same ideas for my dcs when they were born. I didn't know the sex and have had horrified looks from strangers when I told them ds1 was a boy and he was dressed in a very very pale pink babygrow

Said dcs are now teenagers and what I have learnt is:

• it will be very difficult to find clothes that are gender neutral all the time. It will be easier to go for gender neutral when you can, accept some more 'typical' gendred clothes (eg some dinosaurs tshirt for a boy or skirt for a girl) and refuse the very sterotypical gendered ones (eg I refused to military style trousers or the bring pink tutu for a girl). I also purposefully looked for tshirt in both aisles (so choose a jumper from the girl section for ds. Eg a nice plain yellow jumper)
• be aware that you might well want to acheive gender neutral but your dcs might decide they don't want to. I have never convinced my ds to play with a doll/doll house. But they were very keen on trains and cars. Even at 2yo....
• you cant dictate every gift people will give you. It is easier to make a stand on the really 'bad' stuff and let the 'not so bad but not quite what I wanted' go
• Remember that you and your dh will have more influence that anyone else on your dcs. It doesnt matter than the grand parents will give them a bright pink tutu once in a while. What will make a difference are how you behave, what you wear, how you divide work at home, how you speak about your role/your work (is your dh role more important?), the stories you will read them etc....
• And remember that they will live in a cultural environment that will also have a HUGE impact on them. And I don't mean family or gifts from family and fiends. I mean nursery and school. TV and later on YouTube etc...

Haaaa! You are worrytig about something that really doesn’t matter. The baby will have no idea what it is wearing so long as it’s clean and comfortable. Get over yourselves! Your child will have their own ideas about what they want to wear - stop making it’s all about YOUR wishes. Honestly, be fateful you have two loving sets of grandparents who are excited about your baby. Be kind and gracious when / if people buy the baby gifts (they aren’t for you - they’re for the baby) this isn’t your birthday ffs!! Just stop it. People like this are so irritating.

@Raella50 exactly! They are just clothes, think the OP needs some real problems to worry about.

Oh you're so woke.

Maybe just accept peoples generosity and allow the GPs to buy things for their grandchild without any rules?