Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

We did the same with clothes, toys, etc but you don't need to get so stressed about managing your DM and DMIL or DF and DFIL. You need to remember you've made your choices for you and your DC.
The fact is that if you ignore all blue and pink clothes then you're reinforcing stereotypes by omission. Our view was that we should be treating all colours the same so DS had a mix of colours and neutrals. We also found that older relatives did buy a mix so I wonder if you're anticipating and creating a problem that doesn't exist? People respond negatively to being told what 'not to do'. As PPs have said, relax the micro-managing, point out themes/shops/colours you do like.
And congratulations! It's such an exciting time. Enjoy it and try not to stress. What you're suggesting doing isn't that unique or unusual so it's not a big deal.

Send them links to the kinds of things you do want for your baby. Show them Frugi, for instance, and let them go wild.

.....and some scandi and other euro stuff is lovely. As for the unwanted gifts...just have her 'grow out' of them within a week....
Show them the kind of thing you like. They won't know unless you tell them.

If they buy some things you don't like, give them to charity, someone else will be grateful. Is it so hard really to say '0h yeah really cute' if your mum texts you a picture of a tutu?

My babies have only one grandparent left and I hoover up all the love I can from my mil!!

I’d just say “ very cute but not my taste”. Because my mum doesn't need me to lie to her.

We like love here too . But we know it’s not the same as plastic crap toys and junk clothing.

Accept graciously.
Return to shop/stuff in drawer
Rehearse ‘they grow so quickly don’t they?

I was in Tesco once and stood next to a couple who were buying babyhood for a baby girl who looked about 3 months old. The Mum picked up a pack and the Dad said “oh, that’s for boys, it’s got cars on it”. I found myself butting in and saying “ha ha, but girls can drive cars too!” . Tried to be jokey about it but he looked like he was going to punch me . I guess they were quite sleep deprived..

Babygros.

I wasn't suggesting you were into sparkly stuff op. I was just pointing out that you are sneering at the wrong generation.

The easiest way IME is to say "I love bright coloured stuff!!" People remember that and will look for it when buying. Or whatever your preference is. "I love white and grey! So cute!" keep emphasising that rather than trying to convince them of something they don't agree with.

Also, if you have lots of different coloured clothes for DC it actually doesn't matter as much to have the occasional pink or blue thing. It just ends up part of their wardrobe. Not defining the whole thing. I do put some things aside to pass on rather than wear, but generally my kids have worn non gendered stuff that I've bought them and the occasional gendered thing someone else has bought and that's that.

can you ask for either very dark/black or more likely white - for you its ungendered, but you can frame it as being more practical, you can shove it all in the washing machine without having to spend precious time separating out colours that might run

I don't disagree with her intentions but I think she is going about them the wrong way.

indeed

It's interesting to see how hard work people trying to push an agenda can be, whilst the rest is pretty chilled about it - ultimately it's the children who benefit.

I have boys and girls, the only people treating children differently based on what they are wearing are the ones who over-think everything. If you genuinely think wearing the odd pink tshirt or pjs is crushing your girl under stereotypes or turning your boy gay, you have some serious work to do on yourself.

Expressing preferences and gently asking for things that would be more convenient for you is one thing. Dictating what gifts people are allowed to give you is ridiculous.

If your heavy lectures about gender-neutrality are not working about an unborn baby, good luck when the baby becomes a toddler and is meeting his grand-parents

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

I was in Tesco once and stood next to a couple who were buying babyhood for a baby girl who looked about 3 months old. The Mum picked up a pack and the Dad said “oh, that’s for boys, it’s got cars on it”. I found myself butting in and saying “ha ha, but girls can drive cars too!” . Tried to be jokey about it but he looked like he was going to punch me . I guess they were quite sleep deprived..

You're braver than me. I bit my tongue yesterday when random daughter in shop showed her little brother the pens with unicorns to her 4 yo bro and the mom said "he doesn't want that, he's a boy. What about this shark one?".

Just accept the outfits. It's their way of being positively involved. They're happy and excited. And in all honesty, when you're covered in baby puke and poo at 3am you'll be glad of any extra clothing you have to change baby into...…….you won't notice or care what it looks like.

The word you want is unisex

Tell your family you want unisex toys / clothes that are suitable for a boy or a girl

They will understand that perfect well. It’s your gender shit that’s confusing them

This ^^

I have a boy and won’t have any more children but I think I would just dress a girl in all his old clothes until she was at least 4. It’s not like their bodies are a different shape at that age.

Accept graciously
Return to shop/stuff in drawer
Rehearse ‘they grow so quickly don’t they?

This. I have a son and a younger daughter and I have NEVER bought them gender-stereotype clothes. They both wear a mixture of random stuff. At the same time, I don't think it does my son any harm to sometimes wear a truck jumper or my daughter to wear a pink dress, if someone buys it as a gift. When they're little it's only a couple of wears and then it's too small anyway.

It's all in vain anyway since as soon as they start school and start socialising outside the family, the societal pressure destroys everything you've been trying to do at home anyway.

My daughter was dressed in gender neutral clothing and given neutral toys etc. She grew up choosing neutral stuff herself.

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

On a local selling page recently a young woman posted that she was pregnant, had just moved and had anyone got anything for the house or baby that they could give her for free and deliver to her, as she had no money at all.

Another woman commented and offered her a baby bath, top and tail bowl, changing matt and a couple of other items that had a bit of pink on them. They were refused because she needed things for a boy.

I am with the gps but there again I am probably nearer the GPs age. (Even though I dc are still teens and living at home)

Ds sat up unaided at 16 weeks and was making his choices known as soon as he could fling things that he didn’t like away from his play area.
All the grandparents are doing is thinking on practical terms.
You might think that children don’t make choices based on their sex but they do and very very quickly. This isn’t about them getting to 16years old then deciding.

When you say you are looking at gender neutral clothing does that mean boys in neutral/brown/black trousers and girls in the same because that just sounds like you want to dress your girl as a boy.

@Messageinateacup

OP is the definition of "hard work" I suspect. I don't disagree with her intentions but I think she is going about them the wrong way.

This completely

@JaniceWebster

I have already remarked on mine and DH's values and our thoughts on books, emphasis on critical thinking and how we manage our own roles in our home

Fair enough to have values, but you really need to chill!
Your baby is not even born yet, and you are VERY HEAVY in your convictions.

Just relax a bit...

Yes, I agree. Why do you have to hammer home your thoughts on books and your emphasis on critical thinking?
You sound like an evolved being educating the Neanderthals, who actually managed to bring you up, despite their shocking limitations. Christ, if my daughter spoke to me this way I'd think I'd failed completely. Or my sons, for that matter.

You need scandi and organic brands. Have a look at uni and jack, little footprint, natures kids to start. Brands such as maxomorra, villervalla, kite, frugi....

You can tell them bright colours, unisex and "no clothing with slogans on" please!.

I find it deeply odd that little girls now seem to wear skirts and dresses for active play

why? Little girls are allowed to have an opinion sometimes. One of my girl was mad about dresses, the more twirly the better. School uniform was always non negotiable, but on days off, up to her. It never stopped her climbing our trees faster than her brother did.

Unless there's a specific reason, "why can't I wear my xx dress today?".. well, why not indeed. In a wardrobe full of trousers, shorts, capris, leggings..., they can change when they want.

If other want to go onto a 30 minutes lecture about the crushing weight of the patriarchy so females should not be able to express their own personality and style preferences to explain why a little girl is not allowed to wear a dress... up to them. Not my parenting style.

I always liked my DC in while babygrows, when they were new born.

Could GPs be encouraged to buy stuff with animals / teddies that would be suitable for number two? That philosophy might work better with Grandparents.

Good luck with the birth and have fun with your little one.

@janicewebster

Dresses are dangerous for getting caught in bike chains, tree branches, they don’t protect the legs against accidents, they trail in mud, get ripped more easily, are not as warm...