Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

I felt the same as you before my first was born. Tbh I don't care either way now. I just made it clear I wasn't keen on the slogans that "age" a tiny baby inappropriately and are stupidly gender rigid. But I don't really mind some frills or trucks or dinosaurs. And now I just shove any clothes on any kid that fits into them. So my baby girl has a lot of dinosaur crap.

I had a similar situation with MIL, despite us explaining she couldn't switch off from autopilot of buying all blue and navy for our first born DS. She even got him baby vests with polo shirt collars and little shirts. We thanked her politely but she did notice they were never ever worn. To be fair to her she soon also started to notice what we did like and buy, and getting him those styles and brands.

Like PPs say though, after the age of 2 kids have their own preferences (I still cringe at the Paw Patrol stage) and it becomes harder and harder to negotiate your beliefs and their desires, letting them express themselves the way they want while challenging the gender stereotypes.

Op you could just not tell them the baby's sex. I mean it'll be a while before they get to do nappy changes with lockdown, just go for unisex name or tel them you haven't decided

@luggageandbags

I had a similar situation with MIL, despite us explaining she couldn't switch off from autopilot of buying all blue and navy for our first born DS. She even got him baby vests with polo shirt collars and little shirts. We thanked her politely but she did notice they were never ever worn. To be fair to her she soon also started to notice what we did like and buy, and getting him those styles and brands.

Like PPs say though, after the age of 2 kids have their own preferences (I still cringe at the Paw Patrol stage) and it becomes harder and harder to negotiate your beliefs and their desires, letting them express themselves the way they want while challenging the gender stereotypes.

What on earth did she get wrong?

Only seen bits of that video and it is more about how adults react to what the child is wearing.

If you look at the children the adult is working hard at trying to engage the child in the toy on offer and not succeeding.

Oliver dressed as a girl was just not having any of it but was screeching with delight at the car

Actually your simplest way out of this is to ask for clothes from Polarn o Pyret. Great quality and pretty neutral. No princess shit.

What on earth did she get wrong? hmm

I was wondering the same
I love navy blue, both my boys and girls wore navy blue!

I’ll often put her in leggings or jeans because I think she’ll be warmer but she will choose a dress or skirt without fail.

Can she explain why? It would be interesting to know what the psychology is of that choice.

What on earth did she get wrong? hmm
How have you got this many pages in and not learnt no blue for boys, no "boy clothes" aka shirts and polo shirts for boys

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

I’ll often put her in leggings or jeans because I think she’ll be warmer but she will choose a dress or skirt without fail.

Can she explain why? It would be interesting to know what the psychology is of that choice.

I’ve never asked but I can imagine it’s because she likes them and they are comfy for her.

@SleepingStandingUp

What on earth did she get wrong? hmm How have you got this many pages in and not learnt no blue for boys, no "boy clothes" aka shirts and polo shirts for boys

I'd love to hear what she did dress him in

Clothes are just clothes.
Blue isn't for boys. Pink isn't for girls.
My son has clothes with dinosaurs on them because I enjoy dinosaurs. We mostly went for a nature theme with his clothes and room.

When I was putting away his old 0-3 month clothes my DP said "Save anything gender neutral in case we have another one!". And I said "Everything is gender neutral if you're not a coward". Now, that was a joke, but the point remains. Anyone can wear anything. Gender is made up.

I saw a lovely dusty pink T shirt with a yellow moon on it. It's on my list for when I've got spare money. A lot of his clothes are "boyish" because we had a lot of hand me downs.

My parents travel a lot and got us gender neutral clothing from their travels as we didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl. Then as she got older they’ve bought a variety of items. So, this week she’s worn a pink t-shirt from their travels. But she has grown up with a different colour as her favourite and has been subject to some cruel behaviour from a school friend when she has worn pink. Don’t overthink it. Just go with the flow. If you’re gifted pink items for a girl, or blue items for a boy just be thankful - they’re only colours after all.

@Billyjoearmstrong yes but this is a newborn we're talking about.

It sounds like you've already explained it quite well op. Could you show examples of things you like? And say you wont put them in what they buy f doesn't comply.

Clothes should be clothes and colours should be colours - especially for children. I can't get to bothered about colour so what if a girl is in pink? pink is a nice colour, is it a bit weird if they only ever wore pink - possibly but Id feel the same if they also never wore it or exclusively wore any colour for that matter.

I do get bothered about clothes that look uncomfortable eg. stiff and fiddly and in some cases down right dangerous - i don't like to see lots of frills or ribbons and bows on a girl or cute little suspenders /braces on a boy - choking and strangulation hazards in my opinion but the same would be true if it was the boy wearing bows. Frankly the stereotypical gendered aspect of it is more a side note.

There is a balance - buy a range of comfortable/suitable clothes in all the colours, if you know GP are going to keep to Girl=pink boy=blue then make the clothes you buy orange with purple spots and ring in the changes - there is plenty of choice on the market nowadays which caters to a more diverse colour palette beyond pink and blue. Maybe find some brands that suit your preferred aesthetic and suggest to GP's they buy from there.

I also personally don't like slogans on little children so get what you are saying about not wanting all the potential 'daddy's princess/lil solder' nonsense - but I feel the same about all slogans to - 'I'm a Girl I can be a Anything' or 'future Astrophysicist' Babies can't read so who's benefit is that for? - I actually did ask people not to buy anything with slogans with no backlash so you could ask them to follow that 'rule' too without it being to 'controversial' imo

The thing is this gender non-conforming 'movement' whilst well meaning has like most things started go too far the other way. Extremism is any form is not a good thing. By explicitly excluding something that is stereotypically generderd only paves the way for creating the same problem in reverse - soon children who naturally like things considered to be stereotypical for their gender suddenly have some sort of negative association.

I've had this personally:
'Why did you buy your DD a princess dress you should be encouraging her to break boundaries etc blah etc blah'
'Well because she is 4 and that's what she asked for - last time she got to choose she wanted a knight's wooden sword and shield who knows what it will be next time'

Sorry that ended up unexpectedly ranty!

@thisismytimetoshine a miscommunication there. I haven't told this to the GP's, (or hammered it home) at all, I meant I had already remarked about those on this thread

Of course you’ll have preferences but you’re coming over a little bit too serious about it which is probably why you’ve had a bit of a pasting. There was someone in my baby class who only ever dressed her baby in black or grey outfits that matched hers. I’m curious how long she managed to make it last.

Dresses aren’t the clothes of the devil. They are often very practical, no matching to worry about and easy for potty training.

Tell them to buy "Unisex" clothes. That's the vocabulary they will understand. Non-gendered is not language they will be familiar with.

I think your over thinking it.
My 8yr girl was very girly And loves dresses and pink and princess at around 4 and 5, I’m not very girly And never pushes it into her. Now at 8 she loves football, is never in a dress and couldn’t wear pink if I paid her. What you dress them in as a newborn won’t matter

They weren't actually around in the 1950's. MIL is 52! She definitely had a choice.

She is just a few years older than me but presumably had children a lot younger if she's going to be a grandparent herself soon (I had mine very late and still have 2 at primary)!

Anyway, I think GPs often want to spoil a grandchild in a way they might not have been able to do for their own children. I would go down the practical route of saying 'I want baby clothes that can be passed down easily to brothers or sisters so unisex would be best, white or yellow sleepsuits are best for not showing milk vomit stains. As they get older there will no doubt be less handmedowns as their own preferences become obvious and you can indulge them then'.

The other thing to do is remind them of their own choices, I was buying socks for DD1 in John Lewis and picked the primary colour set. 'Awh, why not buy the pink?' said my Mum. So I looked her in the eye and said 'Mum, which set would you have bought for me?' and she laughed as she realised I was just doing what she did (I had no pink clothes as a child, everything was passed down to my two DBros).

Finally if you get a monstrosity then just don't put your child in it, pass it on to the charity shop. They will either soon learn not to bother or will live so far away they shall never know.

Some of you have been really unpleasant or rude to the OP.

But I'm trying to get over my thinking dresses on young girls are odd full stop

I sometimes put DD in pink dresses when she was little simply because she looked lovely in them. Where's the harm in that? She's a teen now and we're both feminists and hate the demonisation of pink - it's a beautiful colour.

@Talcott2007

I agree. I don’t buy yellow or orange clothes for my DD because I don’t like those colours and they don’t look great on either of us. We’re both very pale with red hair and yellowy tones just don’t suit us.

MIL loves mustard yellow and will often buy clothes that colour for DD. We say thank you and she never wears it.

DD’s wardrobe is full of pink, blue, purple, red, green, grey, black... Just not yellow or orange.

I would just say thanks, take a photo of them in it to send to grandparent then send to charity shop.

Just tell them you might have more children and want to pass on clothes.

I sometimes put DD in pink dresses when she was little simply because she looked lovely in them. Where's the harm in that

No harm at all and I never suggested there was. I have been quite open about the fact it's a weird hang up on my part, not an ideology.