Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

You could try "our colour scheme is white , lemon and black"

Its a fact of life that grandparents will choose clothes that you think are awful. But if you are kind and generous the child will sometimes be seen wearing them during family visits. After that you can roll them up dirty and hide them away at the back of a chest of drawers.

   Don't ask how I know that....

Another white babygro fan here. Both my children wore these apx 90% time for the first 3 months or so of life. I just like babies in soft, white cotton. Saying what you do like might make it easier for them to buy things you are happy with but ultimately you may just need to smile and then take the item back or pass it on if it bothers you so.

I find it deeply odd that little girls now seem to wear skirts and dresses for active play

Yes I find that odd. But I'm trying to get over my thinking dresses on young girls are odd full stop. DD is 2.5. She was bought a dress for Christmas that I really like but couldn't bring myself to put on her. I bought her a sundress a few weeks ago and haven't got round to putting that on either.

I know it's just my weird hang up but I just think she'll look a bit daft in a dress and definitely hampered from playing as she does.

The one she was bought at Christmas is a corduroy pinafore dress and I spent a bit of time working out if I had the skills to turn it into a set of dungarees instead.

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

Have you not heard of leggings or tights?

@Billyjoearmstrong

"What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"?

While I totally understand, they do have a point with this.

I’ve had a boy and a girl and wow, have they both been totally into the stereotypes regardless of how they have been brought up.

I’m not ‘girly’ at all yet I’ve had a six year old who ever since a small toddler loves to dress in pink, loves princesses etc. It makes me feel slightly sick inside but it’s what she likes.

My son was always into anything with wheels from a young age, always wanted bob the builder clothes from a toddler.

This despite me not being into gendered roles and play etc.

You’ll find your child just likes what they like.

I found this as well, the last time I wore a dress was for a wedding a decade ago and I was probably 18 when I last wore a skirt. I wear make up maybe twice a year and detest anything pink. So they don’t see me dressed in a supposedly typical female way. My daughter loves pink though and anything sparkly. She is just as obsessed with wearing her brothers old clothes though actually, especially if they’ve got vehicles on. My son very quickly decided he didn’t want to play with his doll and pram anymore, before he started nursery at 2, so hadn’t had people influence him outside the home. I still thinks it’s worth dressing them in unisex clothes though, at least most of the time. Although it’s not always easy to find them in my experience, certainly when they’re out of the babygrow phase. I think most of all I’d be firm on not putting them in outfits. They’re so much more comfortable in a babygrow and cardigan or whatever. Maybe be blunt and say that if they buy pink and blue stuff and dresses or jeans it’ll be going to the charity shop!

The sad thing is that you can put a girl into anything, at any age. No one bats an eyelid, or even notice frankly ^unless you start a lecture about gender-neutrality". Girls wear their brothers hand-me down all the time and it's never in issue for anyone. Put a teen into boys clothes, as long as the body shape fits, total non-issue. Wear your husband's clothes, people won't even know. (as long as you have similar sizes...). We can wear girly stuff, gender-neutral clothes, boys garments...

A baby might be confused for a boy because frankly, there's absolutely no difference between a baby boy and baby girl when they have clothes on. But that's it.

Now, look at the selection available for boys and the reaction if they wear non-traditional clothes.

@FreeKitties

The word you want is unisex

Tell your family you want unisex toys / clothes that are suitable for a boy or a girl

They will understand that perfect well. It’s your gender shit that’s confusing them

This ^^

Agree!

Point them towards scandi style clothing and mention that non gendered clothing can be put away and saved for any future grandchildren. A friend has used the same beautiful, brightly coloured baby outfits for two children, and they hold their value if you sell them on too.

[quote 2007Millie]@ArgumentativeAardvaark

Have you not heard of leggings or tights?[/quote]
Leggings are trousers. I don’t understand why relevant that I have heard of them or not? Tights don’t a stop a dress getting caught in a tree or bike.

Soft white cotton outfits for my baby too.
I think 90% of what I've bought were from the unisex newborn section.
We might get as jazzy as a brightly patterned bib.

I think the idea that if someone you know well buys your baby clothes you have to graciously accept is ridiculous. You'd never buy an outfit for an adult friend as a gift without checking it was their style and what they like and even providing a receipt. It's so wasteful as well, my DM has probably spent close to £150 on baby clothes for my child, if it was all stuff I didn't like it would be a huge waste.

Maybe be blunt and say that if they buy pink and blue stuff and dresses or jeans it’ll be going to the charity shop!

Of the 4 things you listed there, only one (dress) is not unisex.

ArgumentativeAardvaark

Dresses are dangerous for getting caught in bike chains, tree branches, they don’t protect the legs against accidents, they trail in mud, get ripped more easily, are not as warm...
I am talking about a little girl dress, not a ball gown!

I have never seen ONE dress being caught in bike chain, but I guess that could happen, otherwise there's 0 difference between a dress and a pair of shorts. Kids can wear what they want from their wardrobe as long as it's adapted to the current weather.

I agree with the suggestions above and have experience of attempting the same plan as you. (My children both made their own very gendered choices as soon as they could... but have recovered.)

Advice (something you will be getting lots of in the weeks to come - no doubt):

• don't tell the sex of your child until after the birth (so pre-birth presents are likely to be neutral anyway)
• do show/describe the kinds of clothes etc. that you like and would choose. (Give them a chance to get things right.)
• do be tactful... or at least remember that by taking a stand on this you are tacitly criticising the way others have brought up their children. (We are surprisingly vulnerable/sensitive to any hint of criticism on how we looked after our own children - no matter how many years have passed!)

When you recieve unsuitable gifts after the birth you can choose whether:
-to photo your baby with them and then quietly put the unwanted objects in a charity shop
Or
-to rip the offending articles into pieces while uttering terrible curses and boiling them in (sustainable oil) before throwing the pieces back. Don't forget to put up photos of the remains on social media.

Obviously option 2 will be much more satisfying :)

Good luck OP
(I noticed that the least stressed mothers in my circle tended to take advice gracefully but JUST FOR PASSING ON TO OTHERS and rarely even considered taking it for themselves.)

Ur making me dread the idea of being a grandparent, OP.

Reminds me of my step-sis making my step-mum dance around. Nothing step-mum did was right. Step-mum had to refer every decision about Nephew back to his mum. This was the only safe course of action. It was exhausting for me to merely observe.

I guess the nice side of that is zero responsibility. Zero expectations that as grandies we might actually be that involved.

Just tell them you're incredibly fussy & they must vet every purchase with you before they make it.

I am of the same opinion to you and i'll be honest when I was pregnant I felt pretty emotional about it. At the same time I didn't really like the gender neutral clothing in shops all grey and white. Now she's here I feel less emotional about it, challenge stereotypes when I see them. I've bought both boys and girls clothing for my daughter. I actually like dresses on a baby as they fit them for a while and less poppers for nappy changes. Now she's old enough to chose she likes clothes with flowers, dinosaurs and diggers so a range.

I would tell them nicely, not to buy any clothes for the new baby,and save them money of course. I am an oldie, and I can't be bothered about all this gender stuff regarding children's clothes, but do appreciate this is an issue these days.

My daughter is over 40 now, but when she was a baby,she had a few pink girly clothes, but she also wore some hand me downs of my older sons clothes. She played with her brothers boy toys as well,so at times,she was a girly girl, and then a tomboy in equal measures.

I feel the same OP. I don't want frilly pink shit for a girl. I'm actually having a boy, but I think most "boy" clothes are fairly gender neutral - as in I would dress a boy or girl in blues, yellows, greens and dinosaurs.

@DappledThings

I find it deeply odd that little girls now seem to wear skirts and dresses for active play

Yes I find that odd. But I'm trying to get over my thinking dresses on young girls are odd full stop. DD is 2.5. She was bought a dress for Christmas that I really like but couldn't bring myself to put on her. I bought her a sundress a few weeks ago and haven't got round to putting that on either.

I know it's just my weird hang up but I just think she'll look a bit daft in a dress and definitely hampered from playing as she does.

The one she was bought at Christmas is a corduroy pinafore dress and I spent a bit of time working out if I had the skills to turn it into a set of dungarees instead.

I don’t understand this at all. My 6yo chooses to put dresses and skirts on. Not once has this hindered her ability to play! She likes running around with a ball in the garden or going on her bike. She does this all in a dress.

I’ll often put her in leggings or jeans because I think she’ll be warmer but she will choose a dress or skirt without fail.

My son very quickly decided he didn’t want to play with his doll and pram anymore, before he started nursery at 2, so hadn’t had people influence him outside the home

Never watched tv? Never read books? Never met any other people, grandparents, playgroups, hv?

You’d be surprised how easily kids are influenced. Little things like referring to “big strong boys” and “pretty little girls”. Girls playing with dolls get different comments to boys, and are encouraged to play with different things.

Bbc video. Everyone subconsiously treat the kids according to percieved gender, even if they thought they were they type of parent who were gender neutral...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=nWu44AqF0iI

When my daughter was pregnant she told everyone she didn't want gifts of clothes as she wanted to choose them herself. I think that was fair enough and can't understand why your DM and MIL can't accept or respect your stance.

Well, it might be easier to just let them buy what they want (they will get so much enjoyment from finding pink frilly things!), and suggest they give you the receipt in case you need to exchange for another size. Smile and nod. Then dress your baby how you like! We had a few horrors but just put LO in them, took some thank you photos to send to relatives, and changed back into comfy neutral baby grows.

My DS is very 'boyish' and does a lot of stereotypical 'boy' things. This is despite us dressing him in neutral clothes and buying him neutral toys when he was younger.

My DM is not, nor has ever been, remotely 'girly' and yet I always have been.

Kids just end up liking what they like

[quote bluebluezoo]My son very quickly decided he didn’t want to play with his doll and pram anymore, before he started nursery at 2, so hadn’t had people influence him outside the home

Never watched tv? Never read books? Never met any other people, grandparents, playgroups, hv?

You’d be surprised how easily kids are influenced. Little things like referring to “big strong boys” and “pretty little girls”. Girls playing with dolls get different comments to boys, and are encouraged to play with different things.

Bbc video. Everyone subconsiously treat the kids according to percieved gender, even if they thought they were they type of parent who were gender neutral...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=nWu44AqF0iI[/quote]
My husband’s cousin’s child is in that video. It is fascinating to see how people change when they think they know the sex of a child.

@Prettybluepigeons

Is this your first then?

🤣🤣

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Oh I know it's not necessarily true she'll be actually hampered, but I have a real hang-up about becuase to me she definitely looks like she would be!

I make no claims of rationality about it. Of she starts asking for dresses when she's older I will buy her some and she can wear what she likes. But now when she has no opinions on it I haven't yet managed to get over myself and put a dress on her!