One of my neighbours has reported us to social services

[LittleTopic]

And I’m absolutely fuming.

Quick background - DH is furloughed and at home with 14 month old DD. I’m working full time (key worker). A neighbour has called SS to say that DD is screaming all day and that she is dirty and never dressed. So I got a phone call yesterday to ask me about it.

DD has been unsettled for the last week as she has four teeth coming through. She spent most of last week in a nappy in her paddling pool because of the heat (it was 34c here) and DH also strips her off when she invariably gets lunch down her clothes. She likes to run away at that point! More often than not, she has crushed tomatoes or blueberries around her face which we can scrub off in the pool or when she’s distracted.

Anyway, I had a chat with SS and they said everything sounded normal and they’re closing the case down with no action or home visit. But I am so utterly furious. I think I know which neighbour it is and whilst we are not friends, as we are with our neighbours either side, we say hello when we see each other and take parcels in etc. DH is devastated as he adores DD and is now too upset to play with her in the garden in case he’s being watched. He’s been a stay at home dad for months now and has been fantastic, and one malicious act has knocked all his confidence.

Ugh, just needed to vent. Does a happy child in a nappy really sound so bad?! I’m also really concerned that these people will keep making complaints, if they’ve done so once before, and we’ll end up with a bigger issue on our hands

I feel like I’m being judged as a shitty parent

OP, this would have been the furthest thing from their minds.

IMO, they were probably finding the screaming hard to deal with (even if it's not much to you, they're likely to have a lower tolerance for the same noise because the context in which they're hearing it is different). They either called environmental health and were told if it's a baby, call SS, or they thought baby crying - who deals with distressed children, SS - oh, I'll call them then.

From what you've said, it sounds like it's more about the noise than concern that the baby is actually being neglected.

That said, if they did have genuine concerns, that's also not a judgement about your parenting - it would be driven by concern for the child. Some parents do get it wrong, and while some realise it, others don't (or need support, etc) which is why SS are there.

Also, everyone has different values and these feed into what each person deems acceptable parenting - lots of things are subjective and it's SS's job to sort these from actual welfare risks.

DH needs to nut up and carry on as normal. "his confidence has been knocked"? Poor delicate creature. Men don't usually suffer this kind of blow to their ego without the wife having to pick up the pieces.

@Dowermouse Sexism doesn't come into it. It's a horrible fucking feeling. I had similar and I cried for days, sadly my vagina didn't save me from feeling judged and found wanting. I still feel like I'm being overlooked as I don't know for sure who reported me. The result has been performance parenting or letting my children run riot as I am terrified to tell them off or the youngest crying because he hasn't got his way.

Well it's a good thing isn't it? They saw something that concerned them and reported their concerns. How you explain it sounds like nothing - hope your neighbour perceived it , maybe not

It's not a good thing, because he was reported for normal parenting. All that does is take away services from children who actually need help and give an outlet to busybodies and malicious reporting. Don't try and spin it the OP should feel great about it.

If you spent your whole day with your DC trying to stop them from making noise and keeping them spotlessly clean then both you and the child will have a pretty miserable time surely? Constantly shushing them and wiping them and making sure there's no food on them. Sounds far worse than letting them express themselves and get messy...although to the outside world, perhaps it would look more acceptable?

I hope your dh doesn't let this spoil his time with dd. Sometimes you just have to square your shoulders and keep telling yourself it's OK while you carry on as normal.

I wonder too whether they are of the older generation ,who would Tut Tut at shock horror a Dad looking after his own child! It was more normal then for Mums to be at home with DC ,and Dad at work .Also there was a thing about not "getting dirty" as possibly harder to wash clothes then? I dont know but I think they are incredibly nosy and unkind TBH!

Are you working full time at home or out of the house @LittleTopic. Social Services clearly have no concerns if they did not ask to speak to the main care giver but they have to respond to the call and it will be on record. I can understand your fury at your neighbour.

Baby P's mother covered his face with chocolate to hide his face, social workers cant afford to assume anything and are walking a line which is very difficult with lockdown and social distancing. Children not attending school, families not attending groups or nursery, not being seen out in public etc, neglect and abuse increases under these conditions yet it's harder to see.

If you are not at home you don't actually know how long or loud your child was screaming. Perhaps your neighbour thought she was doing right and reported the screaming and a few more questions would have been asked, eg is the child clean and dressed, no is the answer, and social services have now established that it is not due to neglect but a well loved child having fun in the sun.

@PumpkinsOnTheWindow gosh, that must be horrible for you. That’s what’s playing on my mind too; we do something innocuous that gets another report made

@dottiedodah they’re 50s with grandchildren, so I would have hoped not! But then they did also have BBQs every weekend throughout lockdown so perhaps they are just confused, priorities-wise.

YABU. They had concerns about the welfare of a child so they made a report which was looked into. Nothing wrong.

I find it so off that the neighbour didn't talk to you guys and check if you're okay. I think that would be the genuine thing to do in these circumstances before taking it further. I'd give them a wide berth in future.

Just to say, a few years ago I was accused of calling SS on a neighbour. We never spoke but always waved/smiled a high on passing.

She was utterly convinced it was me. It wasn't. I still have no idea who it was.

Tbf I'm still ashamed that I didn't have the guts to and still got the blame!

That must've been awful but try and think, well at least they have my child's best interests at heart. Easier said than done of course.

I would however take the the bull by the horns and go and see the neighbours I suspected of the report and chat to them. I'd reassure them whilst making them squirm.

Noises or lack of could surely always be a sign of abuse.

No noise could mean the child is cowering in terror from the parents or could equally mean child is perfectly happy.

A screaming child could be due to teething or could be due to abuse.

Surely the only way around that is to literally investigate everyone.

If you've got even the slightest scrap of concern, surely it's better to report and be wrong than ignore and be right?

@YoyoRiot

The only revenge is to carry on as you were happily.

Definitely this. And for the fool who called your DH a delicate little flower or whatever their mean comment was, my DH would have been equally upset over this even though it takes a lot to rattle his cage.

@Quietheart

I’m a key worker so out of the house mostly but do a day a week from home and have taken some accrued annual leave in that time, so have been home a bit more than pre-lockdown. I tend to phone or video call a couple of times a day too.

I wouldn't dwell on it OP. They aren't taking any action and actually have done their job - someone has made a report and they have followed up on it.

Just let it go now.

Somebody had concerns and reported it, that's a good thing. Concerns were unfounded, also good!

If somebody has concerns for a child, reporting it is the right thing to do, it is often the advice given out on here. Horrible to be on the receiving end I'm sure, but it's better than a genuine case being ignored.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about it being a neighbour. My friend reported her own sister who she lives 200 miles away from (she was concerned about something said in a phone call), her sister is also convinced it was the neighbour!

I'd beware of assuming too much. It could well be one of your other neighbours who's just more hypocritical and sneaky, putting a big smile on but dobbing your DH in all the same.

My own very limited experience, it's often the smiley friendly ones... So I certainly wouldn't retaliate in any way to the ones you suspect.

The only thing I would suggest to you is to be vigilant about wiping her mouth after eating. Fruit round a child's mouth when they are outside can attract insects, my db got stung on his mouth for this reason.

Otherwise, ignore the neighbours and I'd ignore their parcels as well, just tell the delivery person that you can't take stuff for that neighbour as they spy and report you to SS.

@LittleTopic

It must be awful for you both.

If you think you know who it is perhaps the conversation goes:

"I had a strange call from SS. It appears someone thought that because DD was playing in the garden in her nappy and had juice on her face that she wasn't being looked after". Obviously, they realised that there was nothing to worry about and DD is a happy, healthy well looked after child". Then leave the conversation a small gap of 'thinking time' and move on to something else. If it was the neighbour they will think on your comments, they may say something but unlikely. It might prevent further contact from them with SS for similar issues.

In fairness if you are at work all day you do not know what type of screaming your DD is doing. It's such a fine line, I've reported to social services after posting on here, I had a few concerns and everyone said it's important to say something, that it would be irresponsible to do nothing. Abuse us allowed to continue because lots of people do nothing. Look at poor Victoria Climbie loads of people saw little signs and yet no one did anything.
I'm not for one second saying your DD is at risk at all but I do think people should speak up if they are concerned about a child, I do not think that makes them vengeful or mean rather they are giving a voice to someone that has none. I'd rather loving families got a little upset after a quick phone call to check on a child than people turning a blind eye.

Why does it bother you so much? Time for a change of mindset: The experts have just given you a nice big thumbs up on your parenting. Let busybodies be busybodies - no skin off your nose, or your happy-nappy-sticky-girl's!

I find it so off that the neighbour didn't talk to you guys and check if you're okay.

Yes, good idea to tip off a potential abuser if something is going on...

I'd be upset too, but not furious. I'm furious when people have concerns and don't bother to report them, allowing children to be abused and murdered. You are not abusive parents engaged in the torture and starvation of your child; some people are, and as long as this idea that it is somehow offensive and wrong to raise concerns it remains very hard to safeguard the most vulnerable.

If your neighbours are malicious, which I know some people are, and were motivated less by concern than a desire to create trouble- well, for one thing, there is no trouble, you engaged with the professional who made contact and they are satisfied, for another, repeated baseless referrals are logged and it will become evident quickly what is going on.